No...I did NOT have one, but I felt the urge to do it in a BAD way!!

I must be honest with everyone here, that I was really tempted this last three days. I wanted to post my experience as a warning to ALL BS's out there. I PROMISE I'll be telling my WW about this once I have an appropriate moment with her.

I was away on business for the first time since D-Day (me BH, her WW). Anyway, something "clicked" in my head...I could have an A and no one would know!!! THat was the first day. It was a pre-possessing thought all day long. As a preventive measure, I visualized myself telling some young hottie that, although very tempted I could not have an A as I am still married.

The second day, I was approached by an attractive young lady at a "mandatory" symposium after the conference. It was like a drink of spring water for a thirsty man. I have had NO female attention paid to me since D-Day (11 March 2005)and I was really enjoying the back and forth interaction. We talked for a good while and I felt the beginnings of a connection between us...luckily, we were separated at the symposium for varying reasons afterwards. I REALLY fought the urge to find her and see if she'd like to go out for a drink, but I left instead and went back to my hotel ALONE...Thank God/Jesus/Buhhda/Allah/Krishna/Shiva/Vishnu!!

I saw her the last day and we chatted for a few minutes and that was that...she was probably just being friendly and I mis-read her intent (as men are wont to to! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />). I'll never really know and I don't care to...I am truly scared of what could have happened had she shown REAL interest in me AND I had not left when I did. I am now better prepared to deal with this trap that confronts ALL of us BS's

The reason I am writing is this...DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER AND ALLURE OF A REVENGE AFFAIR!!!!! I did, but I had the wherewithal to maintain my senses. I really thought I was "good to go", but found myself thinking "naughty" thoughts about another woman because I felt like I deserved some female attention. My EN's aren't being met and here was a chance!! I was in "rationalization" mode and did fight off the demons, but it was not easy.

Lesson for all of you BS's out there...temptation does not come with fanfare...it sneaks up in the night, giving you no hint it is there until it is on you...don't give in!!!!

ALWAYS keep your guard UP!!!!

Almost-painful lesson learned...

WNB

That's a powerful and needed reminder - to not make matters worse by doubling the complications.

But I'm intrigued by your use of the term "revenge affair."

It rather sounds like your temptation was a garden variety getting-some-needs-met-for-a-change dopamine high temptation.

Was part of your near "justification" that your wife did it, so tit for tat? "Revenge" has a certain premeditated connotation.

WAT

Aaah, but remember you may see it as getting even with WW, but consider this:

Take a look at the pain your going thru, would you wish that upon the spouse of the person who you would have an affair with?

Take a look at the pain your WW is going through as well, would you wish it upon yourself? And the potential OW?

So a revenge affair would not break you even, it would topple the playing field IMHO.

Revenge never solves problems anyway, be proud of yourself for avoiding temptation and choosing a higher moral ground..you can live with yourself in the morning, am I right?

beavis

PS: Leave revenge to the Klingons "Revenge is best served cold"

Revenge perhaps may have been a poor choice of word for the initial reason.

It really was a case of EN's (still) not being met. I'll freely admit it...I was playing with fire, but it felt SO good to TALK with a woman and NOT have the "A" be the "elephant in the living room"...to feel that POSSIBILITY of SF. THEN the "devil on my shoulder" started in with the "WW had one, that means you can have one too!! No one will ever know!! You'll be even!!"

Luckily the "angel on my shoulder" kept me straight and I bailed before I rationalized myself into something that I would truly regret.

It's a powerful temptation for us BS's...almost NOTHING is being done for us with regard to EN's and then there he/she is...ready to meet (some of) them.

I am proud of myself for making it thorugh with my integrity intact, but I can really see how people could fall into that quagmire.

WNB

She had no ring on, so my "foggy" self rationalized that she was single...if she had been wearing a ring I would have been outta there MUCH quicker! I GUARANTEE IT!!

I guess I didn't really think of the OBVIOUS fact that those rings do come off, don't they...

Nothing is quite as exhilirating as being shot at and missed!!!

It sounds like you just defined a major reason for an affair in the first place...

Dont get me wrong, I am a BS as well as you. But trying to see it from the WS perspective.

take care

beavis

Well, I have been married for 19 years and have worn a ring for less than one! Stolen 1st year, never got round to getting it replaced <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Though W and I are working on getting me a new one that I will be proud to wear.

Come to think of it, THAT explains why all those women keep hitting on me, no ring! (JUST KIDDING)

beavis

In my (BS) case, ALL of WW's needs were being met, we were separated because of the military and she let others (x3) meet her needs (lonely, etc). She still swears that I could have done NOTHING to prevent her A's, but I still have a feeling of responsibility. Even her ALMOST A (she was plotting up until D-Day...I found out later...she told me) was not because of something I was/was not doing. I specifically asked her what EN were you looking to have fulfilled by the ALMOST A that wasn't being met by me. WW couldn't think of any. She has issues, NO doubt, and I hope therapy can help her as IC is helping me.

WNB

WNB,

The parallels continue.

I just returned from a business trip to Phoenix, and the pain I’m going through right now led my mind down that road.

In my case it would have been strictly for revenge – and I would have brought my ww back pictures. At least that was the evil thought I had… go out and find a bar, pick up somebody, take her back to my hotel room and take home souvenirs.

I know – totally evil, and totally beyond what I am capable of doing. After I left the customer’s office I went out and found a Subway, picked up a Steak and Cheese took it back to my hotel room, and called my wife.

I still Love her. I don’t know why, but I do. I don’t want anybody else. All I want is to make her life complete, but apparently I can’t. I want to hold her in my arms and give her my heart and my dreams, but she doesn’t want them anymore. She needs thrills. I need a wife.
I need trust, Love and honesty. She needs some “strange” every once in a while to get her pulse going.

Anyway… I digress into bitterness and self pity, so I’ll go for now.

Cruz

OMG - WNB - read my reply to "our" other topic....I just finished typing it - closed out and then reopened MB only to see this new post of yours....

I was saying the EXACT thing...How scary is that - you, me and Cruz were all having the same thoughts.....

For me it wouldn't be "revenge sex". I don't feel a need to get even ( I felt that way early into discovery) but now it's more like "fair ball sex"...He's had many OW - I've had NOTHING - not even from my WH...for over a year...I'm starving here..I also worry that if I keep celibate - I'll forget how...Even when I wasn't aware of WH A's - sick was once a flippin year..Hotel/Vacation sex...

I surely wouldn't have SF w/a stranger/ONS nor a MM...I do have acquaintences that I've known for years and a couple new ones too...that are currently in the single status..They would be my first choice. NO STRINGS...NO CALL ME IN MORNING..NO FALLING IN LOVE CRAP... It would be filling a need for me and hopefully me filling one for them - making me feel whole again, making me feel like a woman...Why should these MOW my WH is with - be getting all the sex from their own husbands as well as mine and I sit with nothing...FAIR BALL......................

Oh, and if my WH found out - could he feel the level of pain he caused me??? I doubt it....I truly believe he thinks what he is does is OK - he's fully justified his actions and my feelings dont' count..

Too weird and timely of a topic.....Hmm, I better not go out for that drink tonight...alone.......

I want to comment on this as a WS -

If a WS is truely remorseful and knows what pain he/she caused you, then he/she is in alot of pain right now. And if you had an affair, he/she wouldn't rationalize or justify it because he had one.

At the same time, coming from a WS, this may sound very one sided, but we still hurt, maybe no where near as the BS does, as you guys had NO choice, but we did have the choice.

But now you guys are making the same poor choice, and the WS doesn't have a choice either - they have to let you - in their minds it seems fair, despite the pain they know it will cause.

I garuntee he/she would be so diappointed that you didn't see the pain you are both in, and know that it was caused by an Affair his/her affair. That you added one more thing to the list in a need to feel even.

Now both of you would feel both sides - yes you may not feel as remorseful as he/she feels, as you would feel justified - but hey - didn't he/she feel justified for his affair? Arent you doint the same thing now?

And yes, he/she may not feel the same pain you are feeling, but if he/she is remourseful and knows the poor choice he/she had made and how it hurt you, wouldnt he/she then feel the pain too as in their healing process, you are suppost to be the good one in the marriage, the better one - he/she is looking up to you in his/her shame and remorse, a goal to being a better person and a better spouse, and you just lowered yourself to his/her level

These are things all BS's should consider before having one.

But I am just the WS, and only saying how I , as a truely sorry WS would feel if m BS had a retaliation affair.

DS,

I was a WS, and now I am a BS.
My ww claims remorse, but I don’t see it when she is the one who can fall to sleep at night.
It does not help me when she angrily asks “can’t you just get over this and move on?”
I can’t move forward while she continues to lie to me.

It hurts. I hurt. She claims to hurt, but as cleaver and cunning as she is at deception she can’t fake that.

Like I said in my post – I’m no longer capable of doing that to a person. I did it once (to another person) and that was once too many.

I’m trying. I want to forgive, but that can’t start until her actions stop. When all you do is hurt with no end in sight you feel trapped, cornered like a wild animal… you feel a “need” to lash out; to say “SEE – this is PAIN! This is what I feel every second of every minute of every hour of every day. Some body like me who has caused that pain can only think I’m getting what I deserve.

I’m not going to have a revenge affair – or any other kind of affair. I’m just trying to hold together the sad remains of my life and let the years pass.

Sorry. I’m a bit depressed today.

Cruz

(((HUGS))) to you Cruz - I hope your day gets brighter

Cruz I feel the same way and more maybe. It is so hard when my WH says I thought you were over this. He had over 2 yrs with his OW. It has only been 5 months for me. I still do not feel emotions of happiness, love, I find I hold my emotions in check so tight I feel nothing. Part of that is because of the verbal abuse laid on me for 2 yrs. I am aware this came from his guilt, and justification of what he was doing. Plus add comparing me to OW. I too have really thought about having an affair but for a differen reason. I have thought about this daily for a month or so. I want to FEEL again. I want to laugh and joke with someone. I want to love again. I miss that light hearted feeling I had before this A of his. I will not have an affair but the temptation is so strong. Should we tell our spouse's how we are feeling ? Or just deal with this in silence.

Realtor,

That's a good question. I think part of my problem is that I have dealt with too much of this in silence.
Believe me... I know exactly what you mean by wanting to feel again. I'm tired of hurting. I don't think I've had a genuine smile on my face in three years.
I know of three different guys I couldn't prove. I know they were EA's, but I think PA's. I fought for her and plan A'd her and tried everything I knew to show her I was worth her love. The one I caught her with in November... well I've been numb since. No feelings about anything. I still Love her, but I don't like her.
It's sad. That's the problem - everything is sad.

Cruz

It will be my 3 yr anniversary this Sunday -yup Mother's Day that he told me he was not in-love with me anymore. It plays over in my mind that horrible day. I was sitting on the porch having coffe. We were waiting for friends to arrive so we could take a Mother's Day boat ride. He told me this 5 minutes before they arrived. I told him to tell them I was sick and could not go. They all left and I was left alone. I cried like I never knew I could cry. I drove my car so fast that I was hoping I would hit a tree and die. The pain was so unbearable. This came out of the blue. I had no clue. He ssays now fe never stopped loving me ever. I do not believe him it is another lie. He had 2 A's and was horrible to me -he treated me like I had a desease. He told me if I stopped having sex with him -he would go out on me. I contiued it was horrible. My needs were not met - I was just a quickie for over 2 yrs to meet his need. I was used in all ways with no love not touching - not kisses nothing but intercourse then a shower to clean up after - to get his smell off of me. I hated him so much. Now he is sliding back - stopping the touching and kisses again. He does hug me and say I love you. He treats me very well. But were is our time of sitting holding hands, talking as the friends we used to be. I am older 52 - but very attractive woman who I have been told and asked if I was 42. So I know it is not my looks. We used to dance together a slow dance - it has been over 3 yrs for that. I miss those times. I miss feeling special. I miss knowing I was the only one for him. Maybe I should move on so I can be special and fullfilled again. I am not getting any younger. How long do I wait???? That is my big question. If I could live with myself I would go away for a weekend and have an one night stand. But I am just not that type of woman. Two wrongs do not make a right. I just feel that my life is over. I would never trust another.

I am sorry for that last one - I guess this was more than I could handle -sorry did not mean to thread jack. This just popped out of me from deep inside. I guess it is the anniversary so close at hand. Did not mean to offend anyone.

Cruz, Realtor, ITHURTS,

Life is TOO short to be stuck in a dead relationship...it is certainly not my place to say whether or not each of you are in that boat, but I do know, that if/when my love for WW dies, I will be leaving. She will have started the "dying" process by her A's AND her refusal to make good choices and all I can do is be true to myself and leave if she refuses to change.

I told WW about the temptation and she thought I should have taken advantage of it because of what she did and that she couldn't have held it against me. I specifically told her my EN's weren't being met and that is why I felt tempted.

We are in a sort of limbo...Her IC starts a week from Monday. She just isn't in a mental "place" to firmly state that she can change her behavior (she doesn't like the behavior...good sign?), BUT she has repeatedly promised that NO A's will happen while we are working on our M...whatever that is worth ...I THINK I believe her.

We talked this a.m. and I told her we need to be radically honest with each other. She said she sometimes felt that she would not be honest in the past because it could have started a fight and her (having been in a physically abusive relationship early in her life) is a conflict avoider. I told her that I will never get angry about ANYTHING except another A...she just needs to be honest and she agreed that she would...

I TRULY hope, for each of your sake, that you can find a PATH that is happy for you...with or without your WS's.

No one deserves to be treated like [email]cr@p...we[/email] all just have to determine what being "treated like [email]cr@p"[/email] means to us.

Good luck to all of us...we need it.

Keep posting,

WNB

I have recognised my sisceptability to the attentions of other women since d-day too.

Having been rejected so brutally by the woman I want, it was nice to feel atttractive to other women.

But I soon realisd that to respond was playing with fire as a voice in me did say "you are entitled to an affair now Squid has had one !". It took aboiut 5 seconds to recognise THAT as the WS fog bullsh*t I've heard so much of these past 9 months. Theres no entitlement to an affair: not even as 'revenge'.

It DID give me confidence that should I findmyself divorced I would not be alone if I didn't want to be, but it also made me relise that I am not really 'affair' material.

Absolutely! Only replace 'woman/women' with 'man/men' for me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> It feels so good to receive attention from men who actually seem to want to be with me and who don't seem to think that I am responsible for all the evils in the world, men who might not use me, rip out my heart and spit on it. I have been approached a few times in the 3+ months since D-day, and I have to admit I was tempted.

My feelings exactly. I am not affair material, either, it seems.