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For many of you that are familiar with my sitch I thought I would check in and provide an update. The sixty day waiting period after my WW filed for D expires on Monday. She had to move in with her brother and out of the home of her affair enabling girlfriend this past weekend due to the fact that gf's H came home from Qatar.
WW is still lying to brother about A, which I know she wont be able to keep under wraps.
Anyway, I receive an email from her yesterday that was forwarded to me at her request by a mutual friend I named as intermediary on d-day. She was asking for money to help her with a credit card bill. I know for a fact that her attorney told her two weeks ago that he needed $750 more to keep working on the case. She doesnt have it. Attorney told her way back in April that she should accept my offer for settlement, which she hasnt and continues to ignore her own attorney's advice. Well, I responded to her that this request needed to be handled by our attorneys, knowing full well what my attorney's response will be. I could have told her no, but my attorney can tell her no louder. She responded that her attorney told her to contact me directly in regards to the request (he isnt being paid, so he is going to do squat?). My guess is that it was a lame brained attempt to get me to finance her legal fees, which I have no intention of doing since I dont want a divorce but reconciliation.
So, today I email WW directly and tell her that the only things I am willing to discuss with her are : 1) the end of A with OM 2) Subsequent verifiable proof that all contact, both personal and professional have ended 3) the reconciliation of our M
Any discussions outside of those topics are to be handled by my attorney. Was I too hardcore on this? I just felt I needed to reitterate my boundaries.
Also, mutual friend told me that she has seen a counselor at work through the Employee Assistance Program. Supposedly confidential, but I have it from a former employee at this company that it isnt and the information revealed in these sessions are used to make a decision to terminate the employee. Additionally, she is to start seeing a psychologist next week. The kicker is that the psychologist is a nun. A faith based psychologist. WW was raised Catholic. I had told her parents two months ago that I was very concerned about WW's mental well being and that I thought she needed help. When this was expressed to WW she became very angry with me for saying that. Well, the in-law's are staunch Catholic and are extremely involved in their church, so I am thinking that this counseling was set up at their urging. It will be interesting to see how it works out.
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Was I too hardcore on this? I just felt I needed to reitterate my boundaries. Absolutely not!! The most loving gesture you can make could be to not deny her the consequences of her decisions. Do not deny her the growth opportunity that comes with a crash. WAT
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WAT is right, you handled that absolutely right! Good job! A splash of reality might be just what she needs and you did a good job reinforcing the terms of Plan B.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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[quote/]Employee Assistance Program. Supposedly confidential, but I have it from a former employee at this company that it isnt and the information revealed in these sessions are used to make a decision to terminate the employee. [/quote]
I know this isn't the point of your topic, but this sounds like lawsuit material to me. Man, I'm glad I don't work for that company. What a farse and a dirty rotten shame. Yuck!
No wonder there is so much distrust in this world!
BTW, I don't think you were being too hard core either. I think you did a fine job within your Plan B!
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Weaver,
maybe I am just cyncical by nature, but in light of the fact that the EAP is administered by the company, and the counselor is paid by the company, it is not surprising to me. After all, when an employee has violated the terms of their employment (in this case an extramarital affair with another employee)and it comes to light in these sessions, does the company employed counselor not have an obligation to report? Maybe not an obligation in the truest sense of the word, but I am sure the counselor is urged to protect the company at all times.
In this particular situation OM was paid a $1,500 bonus for his role in recruiting WW to the company. In light of that, and the destruction of a marital relationship, I would think the company would not want in any way to be put in a position of having to shoulder any degree of responsibility for what has occurred. This company is hypersensitive about issues which publicly cast them in a negative light, and are very proud of its image of having a conservative corporate culture due to their role in providing investment and insurance services to the military community.
WW has been with the company only 4 months and is fresh out of training. I know from others that she is constantly singing the praises of the company and how wonderful it is. I am guessing that she probably doesnt have the sense, as a result of the fog, to not spill her guts completely to the counselor. I never imagined that the workplace exposure might come in this form. I always thought it would come as a result of depositions being taken from co-workers, which is still on the agenda.
I am real curious to see what happens with WW as a result of her psychological counseling sessions with the nun. I cant imagine a less sympathetic ear to tell about infidelity and divorce to than a nun. Psych degree or not.
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WAT & Mel are so right, WCNTexas; you reminded her of your boundries, sure, but your boundries are only that you care for and want to be with her, and want your marriage to work, sans the other man. How is that too harsh? Any discussions outside of those topics are to be handled by my attorney. I love this one. She's in a *mammoth* catch-22 if she can't hire/pay her lawyer to call your lawyer to get you to pay her lawyer. Did I type that right? I could not have handled this last scenerio better myself. What clarity! Please keep us updated. ~ StillLovingHim (Also in Texas <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />)
[font:Arial Black]
JUMP!
-- and you will find out how to
unfold your wings
as you fall.
- ray bradbury
[color:red]
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Good job Texan ! Ain't you glad you have a PLAN ... coz not having a PLAN sucks! Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
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Pepper,
I cant imagine where I would be without a plan. Of course I am not totally sure where I am with a plan. All I know is that I will not be trifled with anymore. I have taken ownership of my life and will not be at the mercy of WW any longer. MBers have given me a navigational map through these troubled seas and my hands are firmly on the wheel. This site has given me such a sense of empowerment it is unbelievable. I am so thankful.
I dont know how this is going to turn out yet, but I know that if it doesnt turn out in reconciliation I will survive. I totally believe that because of the MB concepts and the advice of others on this site that if this continues to D, I will be able to recover and adjust and be a relatively happy person fairly quickly. I also know that my next partner will benefit from the wonderful lessons I have learned here. While I prefer it to be my wife that benefits, I dont know that is what is going to happen. We shall see.
It is still hard of course. Tomorrow is Mother's Day. Thankfully,WW and I didnt have children, but I will send an email to MIL with best wishes. MIL is one of the finest people to walk this earth and the poor thing definitely doesnt deserve the pain that WW's actions are causing her. Anyway, tomorrow will be another day that WW and I normally would have spent with both of our families out in the country at IL's ranch. If you cant tell, this makes me sad.
"An old bull's work is never done."
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Awesome job setting your boundaries and staying strong. I also think it is good that she is receiving counseling. Maybe it will help her get out of the fog and see what she is losing.
Stormy
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How're you doin' today, WCNT? Make it thru Mother's Day okay?
Warmest wishes,
~ StillLovingHim
[font:Arial Black]
JUMP!
-- and you will find out how to
unfold your wings
as you fall.
- ray bradbury
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How 'bout oopsing the name of this virtuous company? I might be a stock holder apt to ask questions about their use of resources and sexual harassment policies. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> What branch did you say it was in Texas? WAT
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LOL, WAT, I was thinking that same thing! Our Evil Genius Minds think alike!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Now, now, we know better. . . I know, I know. . . ~ StillLovingHim
[font:Arial Black]
JUMP!
-- and you will find out how to
unfold your wings
as you fall.
- ray bradbury
[color:red]
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USAA! Oooops! did I say that? I sure didnt mean to.
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And can you imagine this company hiring people with such poor moral character and judgement, yet they are trusting them and expecting their clients to trust them to give out sound investment advice while selling their mutual funds? mmmmm........I sure wouldnt want my money being handled by such individuals.
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<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> Oh My... I AM a stockholder in that company! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> committed
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Oh yes, lovely little mess they have had a role in creating here. They actually financially rewarded OM for his role in recruiting my wife to the company. I wonder why I still have my auto insurance with them.
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Best I can tell, that company is not a public company - no investors' resources link on their web site - but if they are, I'm not a stockholder. Further, I don't qualify for their services (non-military) so I have no "honest" reason to contact them and inquire about their policies regarding workplace infidelity and/or sexual harassment. If I was a prospective customer I'd write something like this to them: I am considering purchasing one or more of your services, but I first need to confirm that your business possesses a particular attribute regarding honesty and integrity, to wit: Do you condone infidelity in the workplace between married employees, i.e., married to somebody else? The conduct of infidelity requires dishonesty, poor judgement, and poor choices - not character traits I typically wish for those with whom I trust my business. If you do not condone such behavior, please describe what you would do if you were informed of such behavior, say, in your San Antonio office located at XXX Main Street, involving Mr. Recruiting Award winner? Again, I am not a prospective customer so I cannot write such an (uncopyrighted) inquiry that could be written by ANY OTHER potential customer without even asking permission of me, the author, because ANYBODY could have written that simple question and simply copy and paste it into an e-mail without even asking permission using the "contact us" information available on a web site run by such a company using their name in the URL as NAME.com in which NAME could be just their initials. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> WAT
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WAT .... you character ! ~LOL~ Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
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I forgot to include, ".......hypothetically speaking, of course."
WAT
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I too am a customer/shareholder in USAA. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> Crusht, I might have missed it but have you told them about the A in their company? I would if I were you. I know plenty of folks who might want to query them a la "wat" style as above. BTW....how many companies could we deal with if we only dealt with the "zero tolerance" ones? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> God Bless Doug
in His grip and holding on.
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I was intended to be.
-- (the late)Douglas Adams
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