Just needed some place to vent tonight. I've been feeling really down the past few days. Haunted by old memories of my xWS's affair, OW, their OC. Finally figured out that this is around the time of the year I found out about xWS's affair 3 fricken years ago! I HATE these anniversary dates! I HATE that I'm still impacted by what happened. But I am... Thank goodness the very worst of those days are behind me, and the memories happen less and less. But for right now I just need to get some of these thoughts and feelings out of my head.
So here goes:
1. I hate that the OW was only 21 years old (my ex and I were 47 yrs old) had long blonde hair, and a decent figure. That was one of my worst nightmares as a BS.
-I hate that I could see why he might prefer her to me. She had no class and little intelligence, but she made a nice trophy on the arm of a middle-aged man.
2. I hate that he had unprotected sex, and initially lied about it. I got a call from my doctor following a routine pap. I had trich. My xWS also had to be told and treated. Thankfully an easily treatable STD. My xWS had the nerve to ask me if I had something to tell him about my fooling around!
3. This one's EXPLICIT...may want to IGNORE!
I hate that he obviously had intercourse with her...reportedly numerous times. I was lucky to get sex with him twice a month, and usually not intercourse. That was even before their affair.
4. I hate that he had a child with her.
-I became pregnant shortly after xWS got into Recovery from drug and alcohol addiction. (Failed birth control) He had relapsed multiple times before. I was on medication for depression at that time. WE made a decision to have an abortion because we didn't feel capable at that time, nor desired, to raise anymore children. Our children, from previous marriages (4 total), ranged from ages 10 to 15 years old. I don't regret the abortion, but I do resent that if he were to have anymore children that it wasn't ours.
-The OW lives off the Social Sec. that OC gets because he was born with Down Syndrome. The OC's impairment is minimal with no major health complications. The OW is healthy, 24 years old, and gets to stay home and raise her child, while the rest of us work. I hear that my xWS cares for the OC the majority of the time, while the OW is out doing who knows what.
5. I hate that they met through their NA/AA meetings.
-I had willingly sacrificed time with him knowing how important these meetings were to his recovery. (He was going to meetings at least 5 times a week from the very beginning of his Recovery)
-She and he used this situation to cover up their affair. Afterall, I wasn't in recovery. Couldn't go to their meetings. She would call our house (I learned to recognize her voice) and I'd hand the phone over to the xWS because it was AA/NA business. I wanted to respect that it was an anonymous program..although I did suggest a few times that AA recommends men counsel men and women counsel women.
-It bugs me that my xWS was highly respected in his Recovering community because he had 5 years clean and sober in at the time. He obviously wasn't working any 12 step program throughout this affair, but because he hadn't used he was still a hero of sorts!
6. I hate that the sexual part of their affair supposedly started when we had already been in marriage counseling for 4 months. He said it had only been an emotional supportive thing before then, and that he wasn't seeing her anymore. It was hard to come up with the money for the counseling. Nine months invested in what? (At least I knew I did all I could)
7. I hate that he says he still has no idea about why he had the affair. He said it wasn't anything lacking in me or our marriage. ????????
8. I hate that we talked about reconciliation several times. He said he still loved me...had made terrible choices, and wanted me to be his wife again. I was willing to accept the OC into my life. I trusted that it might be able to happen. Duh me!!
-Three years later, he and the OW and OC still live together, because "I'm not sure I can trust her to adequately parent our son. She gets irritated easily and often seems to put her needs before his." They've never married.
9. I hate that he took "family" from me. I was close to his 2 children and his brothers and sisters.
10. I hate that I can't stop hating and not forgiving myself for allowing myself to stay in this situation so long. I'm an adult. No one made me stay. I wasn't a "victim" once I became aware of the circumstances. I hate that I still have feelings for him after all he's done.
OK...enough of this!! Tomorrow's another day. Another start...again.
