I am dating a wonderful man named Donnie. He and I have known each other for nearly 5 years. We worked together and were (and are) very good friends. We both had been in love with each other for a long time, but neither said anything until last November. I am 46 and he is 51. We’ve both been married before and have had no children. He owns his own home and I have my own home as well. We share a business together that is doing very good. We can’t get enough of each other’s company…we have always been that way. We are not sleeping together and will not live together outside of marriage. We have talked about getting married in the near future…maybe in March.

I couldn’t be happier with this man, but...(and isn’t there always a but?)…there is one area that I have been having difficulty with. In the evenings (and not every evening), Donnie likes to have a drink, or two, or three, or four, etc. He never gets obnoxious or tries to drive, etc. He won’t do this in a public place. But sometimes when we’re together at his (or my) home he likes to have these drinks. He will get somewhat drunk, but not to the point of staggering, etc. I don’t drink at all so it is hard for me to understand the need for this. He never drinks during the day at all. I have asked him why he does this, and the only reason he gives me is that he enjoys this.

My question is this…is it selfish for me to pressure him to stop this so he could sit there and do what I want him to do? He does everything in the world for me. There isn’t anything that I have asked him for that he won’t do. Having his “evening cocktails” is something he enjoys, but I don’t. When I have asked him if he wanted me to drink like he does, he tells me no…So I wonder what that tells me? He is extremely kind hearted and a gentle man, but I really dislike the alcohol abuse. After about 3 or 4 drinks I’ll notice the change. I have talked to him about it on two occasions and he has apologized very sincerely each time. I have not told him I wanted him to stop or give ultimatums. The good things in our relationship far outweigh this and I have a very hard time imaging my life without him. Perhaps I am overreacting. This is something he enjoys and maybe I’m being too possessive of him. In other words, maybe I want him to fit my mold and do what I expect all the time. Our relationship is so great...I love him dearly...this is the only thing that I wish was different.

Any suggestions on how I can talk to him or how I should look at this? Thanks. Doris

Hi Doris. Your concerns are very legitimate. I, too, have a very wonderful man in my life, my husband. We have been married for 10 years. He, too, drank way too much for my liking, but I married him regardless. Unfortunately, it gets worse, not better. Alcoholism is a disease. You didn't cause it, you can not "fix" it. Whether you want him to stop drinking or give ultimatums will not do anything to help this situation. It is not in your control and not in his. Please don't misunderstand, he is accountable for how he behaves when he is drinking or drunk. Trust me, I KNOW what your feeling...been there..done that! It's like being with two different people.

The very best thing that you can do is take care of YOU. Because of the alcoholism, I found my way into the loving rooms of Alanon (a 12-step recovery program for friends and family of Alcoholics/Problem drinkers). It has been my saving grace. I have found so much comfort, insight, strength and hope. If you want guidance, I encourage you to just give it a try. The people in this fellowship are not professionals...and will not advise you as to what you need to do, except to take care of you. It will give you a more indepth understanding of this disease. Try going to a meeting. You don't have to speak, just listen. How wonderful to have so much compassion and concern for your boyfriend. Here's a link to alanon, if you're interested:

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/english.html

Alanon is not affiliated with any religious organization, but is a spiritual fellowship. I have learned through my 12-step program that I can NOT control what others do or don't do. All I can do is focus on ME. If I don't take care of myself, who will?

It's worked for me....maybe for you?

Just know that you are NOT alone. Hang in there. Take care!

I COMPLETELY KNOW ABOUT THE 99% GREAT! I have been married for nearly 20 years to a man that I adore. For this entire time I have known that alcohol was a problem, and I have tried countless methods to deal with it, including drinking with him. I tried Alanon, and I have great respect for the education and support that you receive there. I learned thru Alanon how to "emotionally detach" from my spouse while he is drinking. This has only provided him with a safe environment in which to drink, and is RUINING our marriage. My advice is to make him aware of how much this bothers you, and ask him if he would consider temporary abstinence to see what kind of relationship you could have without alcohol. Make it clear that you do not want to be around him when he's drinking, so he needs to do it away from you if he wishes to continue. You cannot control him, just try to make the best choices for yourself. Do go to Alanon, and also, I recommend an awesome book: The Thinking Person's Guide to Sobriety by Burt Pluyen -- Im not sure about the exact title or spelling of the author's name, but I found that to be the most helpful book on the topic. Best wishes!

This man is an alcoholic. This only gets worse. This is a seed of unhappiness and discontent. You're concerned now, you may or may not marry him. Know that if you do - this seed will grow and flourish into full blown tree of misery.

Solution:
"Do you love me? Yes? Stop drinking for me, becuase you love me."