For those who don't know me, I'm a BS (male, 40-something).

I keep thinking of just getting in my car and driving - and never coming back. But that is impractical.

I do own another house (not the one we live in) - and I thought I could put it on the market (without telling W) at a very low price so it will sell quickly, then I could hit the road with some serious dollars. I could give up my W and, with incredible pain, my DD4 - and just go away. W could then do whatever she wants. I'd leave her enough money to make the mortgage payment for a few months - and a signed, notorized "quitclaim" on our joint home so she could sell it. Then she would be free to D me on the grounds of abandonment - and do whatever she wants with her life - as long as it does not involve me.

It is a fantasy, of course, but a little more practical tham just hitting the road on the spur of the moment. (Why a moment would be wearing spurs I don't know, but if a spur-wearing moment were on my back - and dug it's heels in, it would be hard to restrain myself from running.) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You other BS's think of doing something like that?

-AD (who is not here, because he gave up MB. Really.)

I think it about escape frequently. But somehow, my kids are always by my side or old enough to be doing their own thing. Ties don't cut that easily. Both you and your DD would miss the part you play in her life.

Why don't you expand the fantasy into something a little more practical? When I start thinking like that, I know I need a break. Maybe you could be involved with a mission someplace. Join the Peace Corp. A driving trip across the nation. Do you have some friends you can visit anywhere. The escape idea is good but try to get some structure to it.

AD:

Just aknowledging your "not-hereness"! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I've had that kind of fantasy. Heck, I almost did something like that just a month or so after D-day.

-ol' 2long

AD, I'm sure the fantasy is a lot of fun, except for the pain in that dd's eyes to know her daddy left HER with her sometimes abusive mother - now she would have no one to rescue her during those times her mother goes nuts.

My mom fantasized about leaving my dad (only she was the unfaithful one) because my dad was frequently drunk and abusive. I remember the hardest thing to get over was that she did leave, screaming divorce as she ran out of the house to get away from a beating... and she left five children - 3 under the age of 12 - I was the oldest of those three - with a drunken raging man... My most difficult act of forgiveness was for that abandonment.

Hi AD,

I have the opposite of escape fantasies,more like my reality.Instead of taking off,I have basically shoved STBXWH out of my life.I have not seen him now in maybe 3 months.I e-mail him only pertaining to children's issues and Mediation issues,etc.Otherwise I am as dark as I was in Plan B.My feelings for WH have died and I am glad.I used to wonder how I would ever move on with these feelings for him but they finally just evaporated.After almost 20 months of enduring this terrible Infidelity and everything associated with it,it's not difficult to lose any respect or love I had for my WH.

Your DD needs you in her life.I know what you said is just a fantasy but never under estimate how important the stable parent is in our children's lives.I see it more and more each day I am with my own.I love my home,my town,my new friends,my girls are stable here.I couldn't imagine escaping.If anyone was leaving,it was WH.And he did.

O

(Not really here much anymore either but....)

AD, I think I had that fantasy just today. We are in Recovery, but the infidelity memories just don't go away. I wrote in my journal today, "Pain if I go and pain if I stay." You can tell I'm so cheerful on this Mother's day. Anyway, there is a great book, I think it's called "Ladder of Years". This woman goes on the yearly big vacation with her family and extended family to the beach. She takes a walk on the beach and just keeps walking and walking. She basically starts a whole new life.

I agree with the others concerning your wonderful DD. I totally understand the fantasy of wanting to escape your WW, and your daughter interferes with really being free from WW. I had a situation like that once. I couldn't stand being around my in-laws because of infidelity actually. It was like the only way to not have to be around them was to get rid of H. A therapist told me during that time, "CV, you're inbetween a rock and a hard place." Peace did come to me in that situation and I hope it comes for you too. Your daughter and you need each other. CV

GOOD GOD yes !

In my fantasy I've accepted a job in a warm place with my company, loaded my little sports car and just gone. Left all that sheet behind.

Got offered the job too.

But I hope to build a great life WITH Squid in it some time soon.

And I wouldn't want to go do that fantasy thing.

But yeah, I've thought of that. A lot in the early days.

Wow!

I must have struck a resonant note here!

A "harvest" of 6 replies in 12 hours on a Sunday - Mother's day at that!

I'll have a few personal words to each of you... later.

-AD

Escape! It sounds so wonderful. Escape from the pain and the humiliation. I have thought of it many times since D-day. Just take the kids, throw some stuff in the car and get away, leaving all this *&%$ behind and start a new life. Very tempting.

AD - just want to add that fantasy is just fine, as long as that little girl is with you, NOT her abusive mother!!!

Then, no matter what reflexive action you have to take in the future, you will have built in an automatic process to protect that little girl - and even if you're not able to do it completely, she will know as an adult that you did what you could.

The only thing my mother can say for herself is that she didn't think Dad would get violent with his children so she figured we were safe. Well I sure as h*** didn't know that. Didn't feel safe. He'd beaten up my brothers before; he'd tried to kick me and I ran just a bit too fast... So to this day her logic is lame and weak. I know this in my heart - when she ran, she just wasn't thinking about anyone but herself - her own hurt and anger. Not a thing about her children.

GrapeGirl,


Ah, reality. <fantasy disappears in a puff of mist.>
I’m a dad. I cannot abandon my child. It’s not her fault.

KaylaAndy,

I can only imagine how difficult your life has been. I’m sorry to stir up painful memories for you. My wife is a good mom most of the time – and sometimes a great mom – and only rarely a not-so-good mom. DD would be OK, but thanks for reminding me that this idea must remain only a fantasy.

OctoberGirl,


OG, I hear you. That’s 3 votes against – all from Moms. Do you think your girls need to see their dad? Do they miss him? What is your plan re visitation? Has he shown any interest?

CV55,


Thanks CV55 for the insight from your experience. That’s 4 votes against from the ladies. (It was only a fantasy anyway.)

2Long,


Glad to know that I’m not alone in having these thoughts. In your case – with grown children, it would make more sense than in my case.

Good to “see” ‘ya, but I’m still not here.

bOb (Mr. Incredible) pure*


I’m in the SE USA – and our company has an operation in Colorado – and in the UK. I’ve thought about it for sure! Unfortunately, my job performance negatively aspirates (s**ks) lately (mostly because I’ve been spending all day on MB), so that might not be possible for me. If it were possible, it would be very tempting. A very very high priority (#1) right now is to improve my job performance so that I will have options.

Pebbles,


I wish that were an option for me – but despite the impression I’ve given on this forum (or the impression that some people have gotten), my W is a more-or-less good Mom and I would never try to take DD away from her.

-AD

AD - My dad was a good father much of the time too. But he was NEVER safe because I couldn't predict what would set him off - very much like you describe your wife to be.

Trouble was, Mom wasn't any better - like living in a combat zone that had sporatic periods of conflict to reinforce the idea that no matter what good was happening, the bombs could start dropping at any time...

Protect that little girl. The image of her curled up on the stairs is burned into my psychie - be careful of the excuses you allow your wife for harming this sweet innocent! A good mother is a safe mother ALL the time - safe, especially from herself.

I waited 8 years to be a mother after Kasey and I married, so that I could protect my children from myself - I knew there was a bit of an Irish temper in me, regardless of my blond hair - the eyes are still green! My child should never have to fear me.

Oh AD..... so many of us here have been hurt either by our own volition or as victims of someone else's choices.

The reality of the PAST gets too painful in our minds when it's allowed to dwell it can almost feel unsurvivable.

Hence the fantasy - make this pain go away or take me away from it.

The reality of the PRESENT can be awesomely grounding too, if you allow the current good aspects dwell longer in your mind.

Even better I found creating attainable goals & making them happen that benefit my entire family as a unit.

In the turmoil of emotional torture I searched & searched damn hard for some inkling of hope, for single signs of goodness.

So around that 1 solitude possibly unintentionial humane act of goodness towards me from my spouse I built a fantasy. The happily ever after, that my husband would do more good, more better in time, with time, & with my continuing to love him while being stone walled.

It worked to an extent. 2 years post horror. Our children believe they are princes & princesses. That Daddy & Mammy have true love, because we laugh a lot with them, & heaps of kisses & cuddles, footballs, cooking & the stuff families do when parents finally get their acts together.

FYI my fantasies were handed to me on a plate. I've lived outta suitcases for nearly 2decades, drop of a hat I'd be on a plane somewhere different. When the sh1t hit home. Friends worldwide offered that option including our children, no strings, just compassion & safe haven to clear my own head & a removal from stress for the prodigies.

I really thought about it right to the point of accepting tickets. It seemed such a simplistic out. To start a new life, new country.

After only one visit with my then seperated spouse, I knew I couldn't go, I couldn't leave him. He was hurting himself, he needed my help, he needed my love. I needed him, I needed his love. Our children need both of us.

To leave then would not only have devastated our children. It would have crushed me further & literally killed my husband.

Far away hills aren't greener. Your thoughts & feelings travel with you, even when experience new surroundings you are still & always will be you.

Geeze I rambled. Bottom line I guess we've all thought how it would be different if we did ABC solo, reality makes you question why can't you do ABC differently in the here & now to improve the quality of your own, your spouse's & daughter's life as you're living.

Enjoy the fantasy in your head. Grab that feeling you'd hope to achieve there and ask yourself what can you do to achieve it here?

Hugs to you
Ktulu

Hi again AD,

To answer your Q's: of course I think the girls need to see their Dad.I am still...disturbed? shall we say,that my WH found it OK to leave us and start a new life thinking we will all be "just fine".Well,we were not fine and now we are just coping.As it stands,my WH has decided to make a life(live permanently) in the other country where the homewrecker resides,naturally,and it's no surprise to see where his priorities still are.So,he sees the girls EOW and that's it.He will have one week with them during Summer as his vacation.He lives 7.5 hours away and to quote him: " I am OK being a part time Dad.It's what I want". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

So,aside from wanting to put a certain someone in the hospital( still having those residual revenge fantasies about homewrecker) that is our life now.I am sad for my girls who deserved a loving father figure in their lives,an UNselfish one.Now they have no strong male figure in their lives as they should.Phone calls help but it's just not the same,you know? My oldest is a bit tired of WH's newfound way of dealing with her and will do things like put him on hold while she fixes her hair.LOL.But it remains to be seen just what kind of relationship they will have with him as they get older and understand things more clearly.I didn't talk to my Dad for 2 years after all his bad behavior and we don't have the Father/Daughter relationship we should have because of him.He has many regrets now.And I have a tad bit of sadness and anger(still working on that): at being part of Divorce as a child and now as an adult.

But hey,I get my beautiful home,lots of money each month and full Primary custody of my girls.And we are all healthy.I feel blessed despite it all.

O

bOb (Mr. Incredible) pure*
??? I have the waistline but not much else of Mr Incredible......

AD work performance is a 'hidden danger' of recovery IME. I've been [email]cr@p[/email] for months only very recently getting my backside in gear again. I have an understanding boss so I hope to be given a little more leeway until I am leaned on very hard once more.

Did you also notice how fixing around teh house, an dstuff like bill payments have turned to [email]cr@p[/email] ?

Our house is screaming for maintenance and theres a RAFT of financial things I need to do that I have just let slip since d-day. It just didn;t seem important enough to prioritise until now.

Affairs are rubbish.

bOb pure*,


Is that the waistline of the fit Mr. Incredible or the insurance agent?

Whichever it is, bOb, you have a pretty good reputation around here - as someone who ran the plan and made it work. From my POV as somebody who stumbled around for years trying to run the plan and never gettin' anywhere much, your success is pretty incredible.

About the home stuff etc. yeah, I've let things slip, but I don't blame that on the A. Probably it's a character flaw. I'm OK on the finance side - could be better, but I have been paying attention at least. No late payments or anything like that.

-AD

KaylaAndy,


I'm concerned that several people here seem to take my W for some kind of dangerous mother. That is not the case. I fear that I have given the wrong impression by not describing events as carefully as I should have.

That situation that you mentioned was NOT as bad as I originally thought. A better description of my DD's position is that she seemed to be pretending to be turtle. She had recently been watching a movie in which there is a turtle. If she were afraid of her Mom she would have gone to her room instead of staying at the top of the stairs. I think she wanted to be seen and she was not afraid - just staying quiet and out of the way.

Of course, W could be a better Mom, but she is not dangerous to our child. They have a good, close relationship. DD is not in any way afraid of her Mom - and that is a good indication that her Mom has never significantly hurt her - emotionally or otherwise.

-AD
<edited to add a critical NOT>

O-girl,

It sounds like things are going well for you. Ah, the other fantasy - the dark one involving torture for the OM etc. I try to stay away from thoughts like that. I don't want to lay awake at night dreaming of ways to do harm to OM. He's not worth it.

Ktuli,

Thanks for posting. Please forgive me for not responding to your long post in equally long detail. What you suggest is really excellent - just catch all the drops of goodness and keep them in a bottle - and ignore the ocean of bad stuff. When the waves recede, I'll still have the bottle. (My W hates my metaphors.)

It's midnight here and I'm going to bed. I was resolved to say goodby to the MB forum and I'm slipping. But, I'll probably be back.

-AD

I think of it daily. I just want to escape all of this crap. Unfortunately, I can't. . .

I've got a three year old little girl that I couldn't imagine living without. But sometimes I think leaving would be such a simple way to get out of this mess. I've looked at some jobs in Florida and Atlanta, and I could probably get one, but I just can't leave my kid.

The wife is just a pain in the behind to live with. She says she's trying, but I just don't see it! And i didn't cause this mess, I just want out of it. I want my life back, or at least start over again.

I wish it were that easy.

AD

My "success" has been a combination of sand and circumstance. No more than that.

Yep, I accidentally adopted the right approach ( entirely because I had no other plan, so I used MB out of desperation) and I stuck to it but I know lots of others who did the same and whose WS didn't come home.

If I hadn't researched all that leverage info on OM, who knows what would have happened ? OMs estranged son died in an accident - OK so his GF says OM and Squid were going to run away tpgther after the funeral, but I CAN'T BELIEVE OM was such a monster he would abandon his surviving son for an affair the week of his estranged son's funeral ???

What if OM hadn't been such a wastrel and had money to buy a seond home to set up with Squid ?

I'm proud of my contribution to my situation but with a different OM and a different sit it may not have been enough.
I say this because I sometimes feel that when myself and others are held up as some kind of 'uber FBS' it makes other BS/FBS feel inadequate: that THEY'RE doing something wrong and thats prolonging the affair or inhibiting recovery.

Now its true, I see MANY scared, desperate BS/FBS on here who do not adhere to plan A or plan B, and who are so desperate for scraps of affection from their WS/FWS that they endure all kinds of belittlement and abuse in hope of a cuddle.

But there are also earnest folks with serious sand who persevere in Plan A through plan B in the face of a fixated WS who is away playing delusional housey-housey who seems adamant they will not return to the marriage. These folks should not feel at fault at all.

And the infidelity diet really helped my waistline, but I'm closer to the Insurance clerk Mr. Icredible than the superhero one !:)

Rght now in life there are many problems : Like I said our home is creaking and begging for attention, our finances the same, my MIL is dying of cancer, I am hurting myself in working out now I'm not running on pure adrenaline anymore and its this combination of problems I dream about leaving behind in an escape fantasy.

Its a sign of recovery I guess that Squids affair isn't the only, or even the biggest trouble I have these days.

All blessings AD