Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 167
D
Member
Member
D Offline
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 167
I'm not sure what's right or not right now. Yes it's true, I'm the one that had the A. That is not the entire reason our M didn't survive.

However, it's been 2 1/2 weeks since I got the OP and we both filed for D. I got a phone call last wednesday from a woman that my H had given his (our home) number to and she wanted to ask him out to dinner. Now I really don't care if he's dating, but I know for a fact if I had a date (which I don't) he'd be angry and tell me that legally I'm still M to him and so on. Is it ok to start to date before the D is final? I'm not looking right now, I've got enough to worry about without getting into another relationship right away.

What are the rules of engagement here?


Dana Replogle Yrs Wed - 10 1/2 D-Day 4/11/04 WS (me) 43 BS (H) 37 date of affair 4/03 No contact w/OM since 4/03 filed for D 4/20/05
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 531
S
Member
Member
S Offline
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 531
dana,

The standard advice is that you should wait, even for several months after your D is final before you start dating.

From an emotional standpoint most people are too vulnerable and hurting to be able to establish a healthy relationship with someone else during this time. Also, unless YOU can be 100% sure that a D is in your future starting a relationship with someone else is asking for a LOT of extra trouble.

I speak from experience. I started seeing someone about six months after my stbx moved out. I was SURE we were getting a D. Then about four months later we decided to try and reconcile. I had to break it off with this woman and I hurt her badly because of my selfishness. I realized then just how confused I was and how much I was looking for nothing but an ego boost from someone. The main point is you don't know what the future holds until your D papers are signed and final, so be careful.

There is another moral component to this. When is a M really over? Most people here (myself included) feel that the M is not over until the D is legally done. Seeing anyone before that time is adultery, pure and simple. As a Christian I know that the RIGHT thing for me is to wait. But even taking that out of the mix I would still wait. I am a pretty black and white kind of person. It's either okay to see someone else while your M or it isn't. I personally can't see how a person can compromise on that position without being hypocritical. Just some things to think about.

starman


BS(ME)-46
WW-39
Married thirteen years
D-day Dec. 24,02
discovered multiple A's
Divorced 5/04
S20,S18,S16,D15,D10
Life is awesome again!
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 841
R
Member
Member
R Offline
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 841
Dana,

Without knowing all the ins and outs of your relationship, other than you are the WS, your H is probably doing the same thing I did (right or wrong).

He is hurting, he was rejected by you, he is feeling like his manhood was taken away from him. I mean manhood as in you chopped his privates off and hid them in a jar somewhere. He is going through a million different emotions every 5 minutes right now.

Right or wrong, he is looking for them and his pain is blinding him to the fact that what he is doing isn't right either. I don't feel very good about that month or so late last summer where I did the same thing.

After 6,7,8 months of busting my a$$ to make things work with zero results. By the 8th month I just went nuts and didn't care anymore and had the mindset of "That Bi***! I friggin' hate her" and decided to bed everything within a 20 mile radius, "I'll show her who is unwanted" or some such nonsense. A very, very dark period in my life that I wish never happened. The only thing I got out of it was incredible guilt because #1 I was still married and #2, I feel bad for all the women I used as "therapy"(yeah I've been tested a couple times for everything since then, thank god nothing came of it) 20,30,40 ONS's in 2 months? I don't even know the number...friggin' sick. When I came to my senses I called all the ones I still had numbers for and apologized for treating them like meat. They didn't deserve my BullShed.

I didn't get my manhood back that way and he won't either. I think you will have a hard time convincing him of that though. Does he have a good friend that you can speak too? Someone you can trust that might talk to him?

Dana, and of course he would be angry if you had a date or were dating, see, you already did your "dating" and he feels like it's payback time. Of course it is wrong, of course it is wrong to date while still married and nobody is ready for a healthy relationship at this point in the process. It's been over a year since my WXW left and I am just now feeling like I could have something more than a date.

Does your hubby read here? Is he interested at all in reconciling? Are you?

I'd be happy to let him know whaere this path he is on leads too. Delayed recovery whether you stay together or not, dating just delays dealing with yourself and your emotions first. You can hide your faults and emotions by falling head first into someone else but it doesn't mean healed.

Sorry for rambling

RebornMan


"Who are you" said the Caterpillar
This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation.

Alice replied, rather shyly, "I--I hardly know, sir, just at present...At least I know who I WAS when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then."
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 8,016
C
Member
Member
C Offline
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 8,016
Quote
However, it's been 2 1/2 weeks since I got the OP and we both filed for D.
Huh?
What does this mean?


Prayers & God Bless!
Chris
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 167
D
Member
Member
D Offline
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 167
in response to you - what does it mean that it's been 2 1/2 weeks since I got the OP - the OP is an Order of Protection. There is a history of physical and verbal abuse in our M.

Am I sure that we can't work this out. Yes, I'm sure. I do still love him, however, some relationships are not healthy and ours wasn't healthy. We BOTH made mistakes, we BOTH hurt each other, however, no matter how much one is hurt there is absolutely no reason to put your hands on anyone. Physical violence has no place in any relationship.

The question was raised does my H read here, he lurkes to see what I'm doing.

Again, I do love him still. We just can't be together.


Dana Replogle Yrs Wed - 10 1/2 D-Day 4/11/04 WS (me) 43 BS (H) 37 date of affair 4/03 No contact w/OM since 4/03 filed for D 4/20/05

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,138 guests, and 56 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
apefruityouth, litchming, scrushe, Carolina Wilson, Lokire
72,032 Registered Users
Latest Posts
Three Times A Charm
by Vallation - 07/24/25 11:54 PM
How important is it to get the whole story?
by still seeking - 07/24/25 01:29 AM
Annulment reconsideration help
by abrrba - 07/21/25 03:05 PM
Help: I Don't Like Being Around My Wife
by abrrba - 07/21/25 03:01 PM
Following Ex-Wifes Nursing Schedule?
by Roger Beach - 07/16/25 04:21 AM
My wife wants a separation
by Roger Beach - 07/16/25 04:20 AM
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,625
Posts2,323,524
Members72,032
Most Online6,102
Jul 3rd, 2025
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 2025, Marriage Builders, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 8.0.0