I am new here and would like any help and advice anyone could give me.
I have been married for almost 19 years. Married to my high school sweetheart. We have been fine and had a very good marriage. Early on there was an issue with another man, but it was not an affair. My husband has been away because of his job for almost two years. Over the past year I had developed an emotional affair with a so called friend of ours. My husband saw what was going on and was trying to stop it. I wouldn't see things for the way they were and lied to cover up this "friendship" I had. From about this past Nov to Jan things got out of hand with this other guy. Two or three times we were together and fooled around (sex, but not all the way). I went to see my husband in Feb. but was still not seeing things like I should have been. In march he was not telling me he loved me, and by the first of april I knew I needed to tell him what happened. I had written an email to him giving our marriage to God. After writting that email I knew I needed to tell him. It was like a hit in the head from God. I didnt tell him for two weeks only because I could not see telling him this over the phone or through an email. I finally called him one day and told him. He is hurt and having so many problems because of what I have put him through this past year. I dont want him to hurt anymore. I have given him what he has asked for in details and all and he now feels like he wants a divorce. I have no contact with this other man and havent for months. He is married too and I had become close to his wife and kids also. He told his wife and they are working it out and she has forgiven me.
I am going to see my husband in June and he wants to discuss details of the divorce. I want to move with him in a few months like it was planned and go to marriage counciling. He doesnt seem to want that anymore.
We have three kids. 19, 18, and 6.
Any advice or thoughts would be nice. I do still love him and trying to be a better person than I have been without him. I know we need time. We need time together, but we dont have that because he is overseas. Makes it all the harder. Thanks for all your input.

My wife had what she claimed was an emotional affair for over a year. She has yet to tell me the details and I have quite a bit of evidence that the affair was much more. I've just decided that I can't live with not knowing the details. I just don't trust her to be honest with me ever again, if she can't tell me what went on between her and her co-worker. We have a lot of other problems too.

I think you did the right thing. Let him know you love him and that you are willing to do whatever he needs to make him feel secure again. It's going to take time, ask him to give it a few months before filing the papers. He might feel differently. Send the letter to the OM and let your husband see it. Make sure you have no more contact with this person, and again let your husband know what you've done to make sure you never see him again.

I wish you and your family the best. For your families sake, try and fix this. There's nothing worse than a spouse who does something like this and then doesn't help there spouse through the emotional rollercoaster and pain they are going through.

SoSorryGreen,

As I said to you on grovetuckyohio's thread, a vast number of BS [betrayed spouses] want to divorce their WS [wayward spouses] but it's more of a knee jerk reaction than an actual desire for divorce. But the worse things you can do are: pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead, implore, say 'I love you', argue about how he feels [it only makes his feelings stronger], be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy, and lastly Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your H will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared.

TMCM

Thanks for your comments. I'm having a really tough day today. My oldest moved away and I havent gotten anything from my husband in the way of support. Didnt even send a happy mothers day. I feel like such a fool to have hurt him like this. Just want him to love me and let me in again. Dont know what to do. I wrote a long letter explaining what had happened to make me have the A. Dont know if I should give it to him or not. Just want him to heal. Guess he thinks the only way he can is to move on without me. I'm really lost without him.

SoSorry,

You are in the right place to get this figured out...

Like another reply you got, a lot of BS's want a knee jerk Divorce.

I have a couple questions but I don't want you to take it the wrong way....OK?

You said there was an "Issue" with another man early on? What kind of "Issue" are we talking about here? No need to try and gloss it over, lay it out, the more info the better help and advice you'll get alright?

You had an emotional affair with a family friend, damaging enough, your husband suspected as much and you let it continue to the point of making it a physical affair?

Alright, here's where you are.....BH is angry and wants a divorce

Forgive me if this upsets you but I see some glaring things from your post I'd like to point out. Some things for you to look at and ponder for a moment.

First and foremost, I see somebody that is trying to minimize the damage they have caused, and by trying to minimize the damage you are being incredibly disrespectful to your BH (and incredibly dishonest with yourself). The attitude sounds like "I'm done with it, he should be over it already".

Need an example? Here....

SoSorry says....
"Early on there was an issue with another man, but it was not an affair."

Reborn says...
By whose definition SoSorry? I wonder if your BH would say it wasn't an affair? If this wasn't an affair then what's the issue?

SoSorry says....
"Two or three times we were together and fooled around (sex, but not all the way)."

Reborn says...
How does a disclaimer like "but we didn't go all the way" make this better? You had sex with a man other than your husband right? So BH should feel better that you only gave the OM HJ's and Oral? Good God think about that for a moment.

SoSorry says...
"I have no contact with this other man and havent for months. He is married too and I had become close to his wife and kids also. He told his wife and they are working it out and she has forgiven me."

Reborn says...
Here is more disrespect and avoidance SS. Since the OM and his wife are OK why isn't hubby? How do you know he told his wife SS? How do you know she has forgiven you? Think she'll be inviting you all over for a cookout sometime soon? I highly doubt it because well, you know why.
______________

I'm no expert, far from it, but I can spot someone trying to sweep away and minimize the pain and suffering, not for their spouses benefit, but for their own benefit.

If I can spot it in a dinky little post, I can only imagine what your BH is feeling. I may be wrong but I can hear a conversation going something like this....

BH- "I can't believe you would do this to our family"
SoSorry- "But....I love you"

BAM!! Instantly you have told him what he feels doesn't matter because you love him so drop it already. See a problem with that?

How about if it goes something like this next time....

BH- "I can't believe you would do this to our family?"
SoSorry- "I can't believe I did it either BH and I hope you'll give me an opportunity to be the wife you deserve and the mother our kids deserve"

So first you acknowledge his feelings and then you helped pull some of the emotional load off his back. See the difference? You just opened a door for him to walk through....eventually....if he chooses too. He may not choose too but you can't concern yourself with that right now.

What needs done right now is for you to make yourself an attractive alternative to divorce. That means open your ears, make ZERO excuses for your behavior, and listen to him. I mean really listen to him, that means when he is talking you aren't thinking up your reply while he is speaking.It means when he is talking and looking for a reply from you....you ingest what he said, take a pregnant pause to think about exactly what he said, and then reply.

Try to fulfill his needs as he will allow. I know it is hard to do long distance, so you'll have to work on the communication/admiration type stuff.

Have your read "Surviving an Affair" by the Harley's yet? If not do so immediately! THen read "His needs, Her Needs" then "Fall in Love, Stay in Love" then if you have time...read "Torn Assunder"

Get yourself in IC right now, today, faster if possible. The Harleys have Phone Consults and come highly recommended and are highly regarded. If you can do it with them, then get your hubby involved when the time is right but that is something you'll go over with them.

There is hope for your Marriage SoSorry, but all hope is lost if you minimize and steamroll over your husbands justified feelings.

Just remember, he has theright to be angry, he has the right to be bitter, he has the right to want a divorce, he has the right to his feelings SoSorry

He has a right to his feelings, now you need to help him work through it. He may come around, he may not, but if you take the correct and proper approach you'll know you did everything you could to salvage your marriage.

One thing, while your hubby contributed to the state of your marriage prior to the affair SoSorry, you are completely responsible for the affair...OK? Not him. Be honest with yourself, look in the mirror and take the pain, you need to feel it. Look in the mirror and think about what you did to your H and children, the pain you caused them, the shame and how you dishonored them. It may seem brutal but you need to feel it to heal it. As long as YOU bury these feelings, you will keep on excuse making and minimizing, never truly heal yourself or your family, no matter what happens in the end.

Good Luck, I truly hope it works out for the best and I am not trying to be harsh at all, just trying to help.

In the meantime, be an attractive alternative alright?

Your Friend
RebornMan

Thank you for taking the time to respond to me. I hear what you are saying and more and more I understand. I have told my husband I take responsiblity for what I have done and want to be accountable for it. I know there is no excuse for my actions and I do feel the shame and I know I have dishonored my family by my actions. I told my h about the a and told him because he had the right to know and because it was disrespectful to him to not tell him. I also want him to heal and I have given him the details he needed and am giving him the space to try to heal.
The "issue" with another man happened about 18 years ago when we were teenagers, but married. There was kissing between us, but nothing else. Of course my husband was real hurt because of it. As well as he should have been.
Thank you for pointing out some of the things that I said that were examples of how I have been disrespectful to my husband. I in no way want to do that. Ever again! I know I have to take the responsiblity for the A and I do. I truly want him to be happy and not hurt anymore. I have been living in sin and lies and decite this past year or so and I see the hurt and pain on the faces of so many that have been hurt from this. This is not something I am taking lightly or something I think will go away, ever.
I know how I let this situation get to where it is, and I will not let it happen again. I have learned from this and I truly do not want to lie to anyone or hurt the people I love ever again. I know these seem like just words to you, but they are from my heart. I have given my marriage to God and through Him I want to live my life. My faith was not strong before, but now God is the only one that keeps me going from day to day.
Again I thank you for your responses. And I am more than willing to hear anyone tell me their opinions and give it to me straight. I need any support and guidence I can get. Thank you for taking the time.

SoSorryGreen,

This recent betrayal of your marital vows is very serious because this is the second time you've broken those vows. This affair probably reopened your H's wound from your first affair. I'm not telling you this for you to give up hope but to help you see what your H is going through. What can you do? DO NOT try to convince your H not to divorce you. Confused? You see the more you try to hold on to him with begging, pleading, promising, saying 'I love you', etc., the more he is going to feel pressured and have more of a desire to jetison from the marriage. Validate his feelings by listening and acknowledging them [doesn't mean that you agree or condone them] and maybe even empathize with him by saying that if you were in his shoes that you'd probably be doing the same things he is doing. In a way, you are throwing yourself at the mercy of the court, and many times it does work. My point in all of this is that the less pressure you put on him to remain married to you, the less overwhelming his desire for ending the marriage will be until one day he is not going to speak about divorcing you anymore and recommit to the marriage.

God bless.

TMCM

Well, cheer up...You just made a giant leap right there SoSorry.....<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

The kissing thing? Yep, that's cheating too and thats how your husband see's it as well. So while it may have meant nothing to you (just an "issue" with another guy) your H see's this as your second scrape with cheating. Now you need to recognize that "issue" for what it was...It isn't going to be easy, nothing worth it ever is, but you can fix this.

Now like TMCM and I said, no pressure, work on yourself, listen, and be patient.

If he brings up divorce just nod, "I hear you, I'd feel the same way" and lovingly remind him it isn't what you prefer.

No Pressure, just keep working on yourself. Don't point out what you are doing to improve yourself just do it. He'll notice eventually SoSorry.

SoSorry, look we are all just students here and I think it would be best if you talked to the teacher. See about an Appt. with the Harleys, they'll help you, not waste your time or money, and hopefully help your husband as well.

The Affairs were about you SoSorry, now it's time for recovery and right now it is about your hubby and what he needs. That is why I suggest calling the Harley's, you'll learn in short time what you need to do to help your H recover.

Good Luck and smile...you are farther down this path than a lot of WS's ever go. Admission and empathy for your Spouse is a great leap forward OK? You've made huge progress so far with yourself, the things you listed above in your post will serve you well in the coming months.

Remember this is a marathon and not a sprint, It's going to take a long time to get things right. If you need encouragement or advice keep posting...we can help, or at least be a place to vent alright? I want you and your husband to recover from this, all MBer's hate divorce so you'll get support here.

RebornMan

Thank you for your response. I am seeing how my H feels more about the whole situation. I really want to handle all this the best way possible. Hearing how BH's feel helps me know how he is feeling. I've hurt him too much as it is and I don't want to do that anymore. As of now he does not speak to me unless he has to. I try to send an email to him almost every night telling him how the kids are doing. I try not to talk about me. Does it make things worse if I tell him I miss him? I want him to know that I still think about him and miss him. Should I?
I am going to visit him in a few weeks. It will be the first time we will have seen each other for 4 months and first time since the A came out. I want to handle that situation the best I can. I know it will be tough.
I really want advice on how to handle the situations. I havent handled things like I should have and I know it has hurt more. Thanks for taking the time to talk with me.

SoSorry,

You have feelings to work through too SS....and it's good you have a couple weeks to get things in order in your head.

You need a plan, I know it sounds funny but a plan will help you deal with this in a logical manner rather than emotionally. A plan will keep you from being surprised or reacting badly to something, a plan keeps you prepared for whatever and helps smooth out this roller coaster ride you two are on.

That was why I suggested the books and the Harleys for counseling. I would try to read "Survivng an Affair" before you make an appt. with them. It'll save a lot of time for them and a lot of money for you if you have the basics down pat before you speak....OK?

About the e-mailing, everyday and stating how much you miss and think of him is too much. It's pressure, pressure he doesn't need right now. If you want to send something every other day or every 3 days talking about the kids (meaning quick and to the point, a few sentences) that might be fine but the miss you and love you stuff will just make him feel pressure.

He needs to cool off a bit, he is sorting through a million emotions every 5 minutes right now. Only you know whether or not the lovey dovey stuff will work on your spouse but if it hasn't worked yet you need to stop it.

Personally, I know what I was thinking but we are all different. If my WWXW had said I love you and miss you stuff I'd have been "Yeah? Sure you do, thats why you did what you did!"

See?

The anger fades, and he is angry now. Just remember he is mad over what you did and the betrayal but there still is that spark of love in him that you can bring out.

It's a process and it begins with the books, get yourself prepared, use these 2 weeks to get yourself ready. Use every waking moment to get yourself together and figure out the strategy.

The books will provide you with a basic blueprint, The Harleys will refine it to fit your recovery.

You can do this!

RebornMan

I have ordered the book "Surviving an Affair" Will have it read before I go see my H. Trying to give him the space he needs and only will send him an email about the kids every few days or so. He hasnt talked to me in days and I am really trying to let him be. I know I need to do that. Let him come to me when he is ready and able. Trying so hard to do the right things now. Thanks for all your suggestions. Glad to hear things from a mans perspective how to handle things with my H.

I just wanted to let you know I'm rooting for you and your husband....

REborn

I'm new to this too and am on the oposite end from you, I'm a BW. My advice would be to suggest to him that when he's ready he check out this site. I would also suggest a copy of "Surviving an Affair" for both of you to read. Good Luck and Best Wishes.

Thanks lost in ny. My husband actually pointed this site to me and encouraged me to get on here. That was a while ago. I dont know if he gets on here or not. I have ordered the book and plan on reading it as soon as I get it. I wish you the best. God bless.

SSG I am also rooting for you and wanted to recommend another good book you might want to get your hands on, it's Dave Carder's 'Torn Asunder'. It complements nicely Dr Willard Harley Jr's book 'Surviving An Affair'.

TMCM

Having a really tough day today. Sent H a card. Big mistake! He said sending cards was pointless and he says he sees no hope for us and he does not love me. That really hurt. I know he feels that way, still hurts. I feel like such a fool to have done this to him and I am more sorry that I could ever say. I am giving him space and only emailing him every few days or so about the kids. I know he is still so angry. It doesn't help that he is away from us and has no one to talk with. I really do hope he lets go of this anger so he can begin to heal for himself. He is such a mess and I worry about him. He has to get better for himself and the kids. Not for me to get him back. That is up to God if that happens or not. I am just at a loss on what to do now.

SSG,

No Lovey-Dovey Stuff!!!!

He doesn't want it right now.

It only makes him angrier, I know you love him, you say you are sorry and on and on. You are willing to do whatever it takes to fix this right?

As I said above it isn't about you right now, it's about him and your family.

Take care of your children and do not hang on your H!!!

The more you put yourself in his way the more he is going to push you out of the way. The more desperate you appear, the more needy you appear, the more he is going to be disrespectful and angry.

Lovey-Dovey is NOT what HE needs to recover. It is about what HE NEEDS to recover. You are going to have to put your needs on the back burner for awhile.

SSG, in the ned he may or may not come around, you have to prepare yourself for that. In the meantime if you continue this way you will be very regretful of your actions. You want to handle this so YOU have no regrets other than your affair. You don't want to think about this in 5 years saying to yourself "Had I only done this or that, things would be different, we'd be together?"

Think of it this way...BH KNOWS you don't want a divorce, he KNOWS you are sorry so stop forcing him to see things your way. He'll figure out what he wants to do and you need to do things that will make YOU the attractive alternative to divorce!

Work on you, stop clinging (he hates it), stop telling him what you want, he feels like crap already(trust me) because divorcing his wife was the last thing he wanted to consider. He is wrestling with a million thoughts right now.....

Like,
Can I get over this (he may not be able too)
Can I forgive her?
Do I want to take her back?
What will my friends and family say?
How will I trust her ever again?

And of course the really hurtful thing for you and him....Why did she destroy our home like this? That right there brings out tons of anger...think about it.

I know you don't have the book yet so you are kinda flying blind right now but just cease and desist the lovey-dovey stuff for now and once you read you'll have a better idea of how to get a handle on this.

So here's your checklist for today.

Pick out one thing about yourself you would like to change and start that today!
Decide to put your needs on the back-burner for awhile
If you must communicate with BH at all, make it about the weather or the price of gas in China. Light conversation, cheerful, something stupid (in a funny way) the kids did.

Thats enough for now.

You'll get through this, you are strong enough and smart enough OK?

RebornMan

SSG,

Ditto to what RebornMan said. Just like your emotions betrayed you when you had your two affairs, they will also betray you in trying to woo your H back. Right now your attempts to reach out to him are only feeding his anger and pain, so do the opposite [180 degrees]. Remember one definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over and expecting different results every time. Give him his space via NC [no contact] and there might be a chance that his anger will subside just enough to open his eyes to all the good things in your marriage.

TMCM

I am a betrayed husband. see post "wife loves coworker". Now please don't take this the wrong way cause I wish my wife was doing a a portion of what you are to get you H back. Could you please tell me how you came to realize the affair was wrong and that you really wanted to get back to your H? I feel it may be helpful as far as talking to my wife to help her and me understand what she is going through. Good luck with everything. I hope things do work out with you and your Husband.

SDmisery,
It took alot for me to see the wrong I was doing. I had such blinders on I couldn't see things for the way they were. I think for me It took different things for me to come around. My husband stopped telling me he loves me a month before I told him about the A. He tried to make me see that I was having an emotional affair with this other guy. I knew my marriage was in trouble. I wrote him an email that was telling him that I have given our marriage to God to heal. In doing that I knew I had to come clean with everything even if it meant losing him. He needed to know. It was disrespectful to not tell him and it was just more lying and decieving. I can't and won't do that anymore to him or any one else I love again. I knew it was going to mean that I could loose him. And as of now he wants a D and is very angry at me.
I dont know about your situation, but I do wish you the best. I know with my H he has no one to talk with about all this and his anger and pain is just too much right now. I think this web site has been really good for me in learning what I should do and not do in regards to my H. Keep on here and you will get some good and honest advice from people on here. Again I wish you the best. Keep us informed.