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Here's my advice.

The problems in your marriage go way beyond infidelity.

Therefore, the best help is going to come from a different source. Not this forum.

Here's what I think you should try.

Look in your local phonebook at the pages listing community services. Look under family services or women's services. Find a number that connects you with social services serving low-income women/children/families which specifically deal with ending abuse. Get an appointment with a social worker. Your children and you need outside support in order to empower you, the adult they need to protect them, to end this sort of abusive environment you are living in.

Explaining over and over, fighting endlessly, nagging constantly, begging, argueing, and threatening behaviors BY YOU toward your husband are totally ineffective and will not change your husbands behavior patterns .... so stop doing this. It has not worked so far. It will not work, ever.

Call social services today. If you live in a very small community, call the law enforcement community and ask to speak with a female officer, or a community liaison person. If there is no one like this in your community, go to a church with a very large membership, and ask them who they can refer you to for help with verbal abuse in your home.

Only these sorts of actions on your part will make a difference in the lives of your children who are being handed the message that they deserve mistreatment, and that mistreatment is 'norm' in a family .... and this message is very hard to get out of your children's psyche if you allow this to go much longer.

Your husband's infidility issues are only one part of a long string of ways he dominates the family with his abusive behaviors.

This is not the time to lay blame. It does not matter who apologises first, who started which fight .... these are non-issues when compared to stopping abusive ugly treatment of small defenseless children ...

Call social services, which can be obtained free of charge in most cases. Right now, forget about marriage counseling. Get help stopping the abusive treatment first.

Prayers~~~~~

Pep

I say if your husband is willing to go to counselling, then seize the opportunity. It is a step in the right direction. You might learn to communicate or not .... but at least you'll have tried. TT

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I'm sorry if this will offend you, but that's easy for you to say. Verbal abuse?

Yes, in my opinion, calling you names in front of your kids is verbal abuse. Teasing and shaming a 3 year old about potty training is verbal abuse.

Is that really what this is?

What would you like to call it?

And if so, I'm supposed to drop everything and head straight for the nearest police officer or church?

Yes, because they know where you can get help that is free, or close enough.

I know that my H has some issues, but I'm not sure that type of drastic behavior is going to be good for me or my children.

Calling to inquire where free help is available is "drastic" ??? I don't understand your reference here....

Rip my kids out of their home and tell them, what? That daddy is evil and we have to find somewhere else to go?

Did I say that? Go re-read my words ... I said ask for help because your family needs help ... and these are often the best sources of where help is available ...

Are you kidding me?

No ... I am not kidding you.

I'm sorry, I know that he may sound very cruel (and sometimes he is) but I don't think I can do what you're saying I should.

Well then, by all means ... re-explain to him how you feel ... and see what a huge difference this makes in the life of your 3-year-old as he feels shame from his Daddy.

Pep

The 3 year old has battled liver cancer ... I just read on another thread ... this means you have access to some big-time medical center ... the children's hospitals always have social services available ... go THERE and ask for a referal.

Pep

On threads in Recovery Forum you said these things about your husband, and more ....

"he's controlling and demanding"

"He's agressive and loud"

"he's a tornado"

~~~~ I am only going by what you have described as your husband's consistent behavior. This is a huge problem, please ask for the proper help.

Pep

Well, you asked for suggestions and you got them. I think you are probably minimizing the abuse that your WH gives you and the kids. It is ok, you can take any and all advice and throw it out the window if you don't like it or agree with it. That is the great thing about this forum.

Please remember, that you are actively choosing to stay and accept this abuse from your WH. You no longer know what is "normal" and what is not, so it is no suprise that you are flabbergasted at the advice that Pep gave you.

While we always talk about a WS/abuser script, there is also an abusee script, and you my friend are reading right from it.

All of the abuse that you and your children recieve at your WH hands is a direct result of YOUR choosing to accept it. That may seem harsh, but it is the truth. You can't change him, he can only change himself. You will not find the answers that you are looking for here in chaging him. They do not exist. It sure is frustrating isn't it?

It is ok if you want to stay in this kind of life, and not do anything "drastic" but just realize what you are getting.

Goodluck,

LM

AVNL

Lemon and myself both work in the medical field , different levels ... we see bad things resulting from situations like yours ... and it really hurts my guts to read what your husband said to your little guy ... especially after reading that he's struggled with cancer ... no excuses for this .... none at all

Pep

Pep's advice for support and counseling is right on...

Since you are the one posting here
AND
you know you can't change him....or anyone else...
AND
you acknowledge that all you two do is argue
AND
you know that the way to change things is to stop YOUR participation in the chaos inspite of anything he does...
AND
you know you are equally responsible for the argueing in your home...it takes two...always has always will

Time to take a serious look at your reactions/interactions/responses and expectations..

How often do you approach an alligator for warm fuzzies and hugs and then get surprised and or hurt that he reacts like an alligator....

Here's some hard questions..

Do you nag him ?
Do you b**tch at him ?

what really happens when you quit these behaviors
how true does his theory of blame and how you make him do or say the things he does hold up...

time to put his theory to the test...

time to revisit the theory of you totally diffusing his weak excuses and hold him accountable...by removing yourself from the chaos...

time to wipe the slate clean
start over
and apply new principles for a set amount of time in your head and see where this gets you...

time to act in the way that YOU envision a loving wife acting while maintaining your boundaries....

time for you to remove ALL disrepectful judgements
time you YOU to stop power struggling all that has gone on before...

time for you to change your role in the equasion

1. Never ever bring up the nap issue again...next time you want a nap YOU take responsibility for setting the alarm to wake yourself up...remove depending on him for help....
(also know that taking a nap and sleeping straight thru to the next morning...is not the same thing...though not a criminal crime by any means...I would be upset if my spouse on a saturday night went to bed a 4:00 pm....and put yourself in his shoes and see just see if you wouldn't be a little upset about that also...

2. instead of nagging try saying something nice....
remove all criticisms from him and make sure you are saying kind and empowering things to him...

get it out of your head that divorce will save you..divorce will damage more the relationship with him and the children and will just escalate the underlying poor communication ten fold....moving to a divorce with such present damaging communication occuring would be tragic as you would have no intervention for the way he talks to the childre because you would no longer be present...you children will be forced to visit the one person who is working against them..not for them...and I don't advise that at all

you'd be better off committing to a plan to really work on things before moving to a divorce...

remove you and the children from the seriousness...engage them in activities...
playing outside...games etc..
invite him in on the fringe...but don't place the kids in his direct line of fire....you be the protector.

what are the exact things he yells at the children about constantly....

see the chaos and see what role you take in it's creation and or what you can do to remove it....

envision the type of marriage and communication style you want...
envision the type of wife you want to be
envision the type of relationship in which you nurture him and he nurtures you

don't open your mouth if you can't make progress in these areas...

take a serious look at what battles you can and should let go of....

move slowly
gracefully

heed peps advice...
seek counsel as well

ARK^^

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You don't have money for counseling, but you have money to buy a house and go on a vacation?

Susan

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Take it easy. You wouldn't be the first person who had money for a vacation, car, or whatever -- but couldn't "find" the money for counseling.

Susan was just pointing out a commonplace contradiction. If it applies, it does; if it doesn't, it doesn't.

But Pepper did make a good point: infidelity doesn't seem a big part of this picture at this point, and this is an infidelity board. While we take on all kinds of problems, your sitch is a little outside the expertise here. It is an abuse problem. Don't know about Colorado law, but even hotlines are anonymous.

You can delete your all your posts .... but please get professional help.

Being a victim can cause one to lose perspective of what is 'normal' ...

Please call for help.

Pep