I think that most active WS and even FWS do not understand this, or understand how deeply it affects the BS:

"Being Somewhere Else" is one thing. When your spouse is simply Somewhere Else, like at work or at the store or on a fishing trip with same-gender friends, you can still contact them. You still know where they are. You could show up and meet them there, and they'd be glad to see you.

"Disappearing" is an entirely different thing. When your spouse Disappears, you cannot contact them -- or even if you can, you get lied to over a cell phone. You don't know where they are. You might *think* you do, but if you went to that place they would not be there. And if you did manage to track them down, they would *not* be glad to see you.

It has always infuriated me that my WH insists he did nothing wrong by taking other women out for lunches, etc. because "we worked together, so it was all work." But he never had to Disappear when he really was working. I don't know of anyone who does, unless the work for the CIA or MI5 or something. But he DID Disappear whenever he took those girls out. I could not contact him, I did not know where he was, and if I had managed to find him he would NOT have been glad to see me.

That's why it is TOTALLY different and NOT a "work situation." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I do not know how to forge a strong and intimate bond with someone who is liable to Disappear at any time -- but I am told there's something wrong with *me* if I can't do that.

I'll bet a lot of other BS have been told that, too - especially the ones with PTSD from having a Disappearing spouse.
Mulan

Who told you this?

Susan

Susan,
My WH thinks there is something wrong with me if I cannot just "forget" and "accept" and "excuse" his Disappearing Act, and take his word for it that he doesn't go out with the girls anymore.

He honestly thinks his behavior was normal. He refuses to apologize for it. Telling him that it WAS different because he wasn't just Somewhere Else when he was with them, that he *Disappeared* whenever he was with them, did seem to turn on a light bulb. A very dim 10-watt bulb, but a bulb nonetheless.

I was just wondering if other BS here felt the same, or if maybe the idea would be of help to them.
Mulan

Just because your husband says there is something wrong with you does not make it truth.

Your husband hasn't changed much since you started posting. What is your plan?

Susan

The plan is to stay until my 17-yo son moves out, and then I will move out, too. I took a full-time job last fall and am saving money as I can.

My WH was always good to me when we *were* together, but saw nothing wrong with spending lots of time with other women, says that our spending time together is just not that important to him ("not like it is to you") and thinks that protecting the marriage is MY responsibility -- not his.

Sorry, but lots of money and occasional random good times do not a marriage make. A marriage IS doing things together. Otherwise, it's just a business arrangement.

I just posted on the "Disappearing" vs. "Being Somewhere Else" idea in case it was useful to someone else.
Mulan

Sheesh, your feelings don't seem to be very high on his personal priority list.

Have you ever tried the disappearing act on him? '

(Not for revenge sake, but just to make a point of how it feels--since he doesn't seem to know!)

Oh, wait, I guess you will be pulling that act next year in a big way. Too bad he doesn't realize what he is losing, you seem like a rather witty lady to me!

Hi Mulan,

I would ask how you are, but it sounds like you are doing okay, but not great. Believe me, there is NOTHING wrong with you.



Sounds like my H and his "exxagerations" and "omissions" = lies. He does apologize, when he gets caught, but does the same thing all over again(sometimes the next day).




Here too!! Everything is fine with my H, just don't rock the boat (or catch him in a lie and call him on it). And we spend hardly any time together.



We are roomies, with occasional SF. Partners for the kids, but not for us. H is "nice" to me too. Just no emotional integrity here in my M. I have tried to tell him that, but what does it matter to him. He is happy, even if i get my ENs filled elsewhere by others (including opp. sex), as long as he doesn't have to worry about it!

Mulan, hang in there. I hope you are enjoying time with your horse and riding frequently. The animals save my sanity (I love the kids more, but they are not as good for my sanity sometimes). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

jls

THE DISAPPEARING or MIA always meant that he was with the OW.

Now in RECOVERY, my FWH makes sure that I always know where he is and he is ALWAYS available to me. He wants me to do the same. He gets panicked if my cellphone is off.

Your H is not repentant or making the proper steps to prevent involvement in an A.. It is not OK like Susan says to accept that. That's not what we are saying here.

I expect my H to be accountable to me forever probably because I have been too wounded by his past behavior. He knows this, understands this and doesn't have a problem at all with it!!

***I expect my H to be accountable to me forever probably because I have been too wounded by his past behavior. He knows this, understands this and doesn't have a problem at all with it!!***

Mimi, I do not consider this to be any sort of extraordinary measure. I would think it is something that would go without saying -- that family members are *always* available to each other with NO exceptions.

It reminds of something that happened in the Soviet Union some years ago. Everybody woke up and Mikhail Gorbachev was nowhere to be found. Turned out he was being held incommunicado in a dacha (country house) somewhere. The Soviets tried to play it down, but the U.S. diplomats were appalled and insisted that, "In A Civilized Nation, World Leaders Don't Just Disappear."

Neither do husbands and wives.

Mulan
(thanks to y'all other posters too -- I thought a few of us might be able to relate to "Being Somewhere Else" versus "Disappearing.")