My H has been going to a certain mens club for months now, lets not start judging.. I don't really have a problem with this, but my "rule" if you want to call it that is, don't get personal with anyone that works there. Well, stupid me, I found you that he has been communicating via email and text mail with one of the dancers at this club. I confronted him with this and he said that it is only talking and that she has a live-in boyfriend, children etc. Let me say also, that this is my second marriage and my first broke up in a very ugly way, child custody battle for 3.5 years, bitter ex-H, etc. He said that she is going through something very similar and he was trying to help her out. Let me also say that I found out about this quite accidentally, I have a spy program on my PC, but it was put in place to keep tabs on my teenage son, I have NEVER had a reason to distrust my H up to this point. Well, I saw the emails she had sent to him, not at home, but at his work account. I have been keeping tabs on his email, text messaging, and credit card statement to see what he's been up to... I haven't found anything of a sexual nature, but I know that he had lunch with her one day when I was out of town. So, lastly, I found his last text messages to her, that said he missed seeing her and that it sucked that he couldn't but he hoped that she was doing okay, well of course I confronted him and he said that he was sending it to see if I was still spying on him! Sounds like a win-win for him, he can still "communicate" with her, and still see if I'm checking up on him. I haven't gone as far as demanding that he stop, but it looks like its down to that. Not sure what to do. Sorry for rambling!

Sharon,

He HAS to stop. This is only going to escalate. It may not be sexual now, although, let's see..."gentlemen's club", dancers, hmmm...What do they (the dancers) wear? Anything?
C'mon now, let's get real. Your H is going to a sexually oriented atmosphere, hanging out with OW, communicating with her behind your back, eating lunch with her, and this is what you actually know about. There could be more that you do not know about.

There is no 'spying' in a M, b/c there are supposed to ne NO secrets. None. Your H is supposed to be transparent to you, and you to him.

Here's what will happen if you do not nip this in the bud right now: This OW is going to rely more and more on your H. The 'friendship' is going to become closer. They are going to step over the boundary of appropriate behavior. And then, they will be in an EA, then a PA. I guarantee it.

If your H really wants to help this W, suggest he have her talk to you. Then, refer her to a counselor.

Please protect your M at all costs.

My H's A started after he befriended a co-worker who was having marital problems. She cried on his shoulder until they became 'more than just good friends'. It turned into a nightmarish mess.

Good luck!

Rose,

The old "email to see if you are checking up on me" excuse. Don't believe it for a second! I got the same excuse.

Keith

Rose
Haven't you heard stories of girls working in these establishments taking customers for all the money they could get? I saw a documentary recently about these businesses. They pay the girls very little which motivates them to get as much as they can from the customers. Do you think someone who works in a strip club having the morals to not have sex with a married man if she could get something out of it? Men love to come to the rescue of a damsel in distress and she's playing it to the max. My h's xow did the same thing. Told him how horrible her husband was to her and that she had to buy her clothes at Goodwill. He was so stupid..she drove a Jaquar. Duh... I can't for the life of me imagine how you think going to these establishments is no big deal. Now do you see what a big deal it is. How disrespectful to you! Not having a problem with this has gotten your marriage in trouble. Unless this relationship stops now, it will only get worse. I shudder to think of the diseases she may be spreading...get to the doctor.

All,
Thanks for your replies. Been really busy and haven't had a chance to update.

I have confronted my H about the OW and he says he hasn't had ANY contact with her whatsoever in a few weeks. He stopped going to the club, as far as I can tell although in his line of work, he drives all over, and is not stuck in an office. Unfortunately, he knows now that I can track his text messaging, and can see his activity on the computer. He has known about the computer tracker all along, so it would seem stupid on his part to do anything on it that he didn't want me to know about. I don't have full access to his phone, it is through his company and I can't even look at the bill. I have also been keeping tabs on his main credit card, he could be using others or cash.

So, I'm stuck in a dilemma, I want to believe him, he has never given me cause for concern up until now. I told him that it hurt me that he was out having "fun" with OW when he doesn't even take me out. He said that going to the club was part of his relaxation. I also said, well it's her job to get everything she can out of the customers and playing the little damsel in distress sure works. He made some sort of reply, like "of course I know this". I also said that at the very least he had an emotional attachment to her. Kind of got an evasive answer, so that leads me to believe that he may have. I'm doing everything at this point to keep my cool and dig for more information and a resolution to this problem.

Thanks again for any replies

Sharon

Sharon,

Good for you. It sounds like you are doing an incredible job.

Now, while you're at it, do s great Plan A.

Can you look through his car/truck for disposable cell phones, credit cards, receipts?

Good luck.

Girl nip it in the bud. MY husband just had an affair with a woman he worked for and the whole time they called each other IT WAS ABOUT WORK HAHAHAH they will say anything if he is sneaking then you can bet their is a reason. Don't believe the crap and put a stop to it or else it will end up in an affair if it isn't already. SPY all you need to girl I DID

Well here I am again. More discussions with my H over the past few days. Well here it is in a nutshell... Quote from him to me "It's your world, I just live in it" This is referring to several issues in our life right now. First, my son (from previous marriage) is turning 18 in a few days, and it doesn't look like he is going to graduate! He lives with his Father about an hour away from me. Well, my x-H, wants to kick our son out as of graduation day, and my son wants to come live with me and my H. Well, my H is upset because my son hasn't talked to him about it, my H is really adamant about people standing on their own two feet. Anyway, several issues in our life have come down to what happens with my children, and obviously I want to do whatever I can for my kids (my daughter is 21 and living in FL now) The other main issue is my smoking, my H HATES it. Which I can't blame him, I am in the process of quitting and doing okay with it. But these things have driven a wedge between us. My H hasn't shown me any affection in so long, I can't remember... I have been in counseling and am trying everything I can to make this work...