I was married in June 2004. I never had any regrets before the wedding. I was so sure that he was the one for me. Soon after the wedding, I became depressed. I was very sad that the whole 2 year planning for the wedding was over. Now what? My husband became very consumed with online poker. I lost his attention. The love making between us was terrible. I would ofter dread it and it felt more like a chore to me. I needed attention and love! I became very attracted to my boss. Him and I would often talk about my situation. Soon after, him and I started our 6 month affair. My boss says all the right things to me. He tells me that it I'm not happy then to leave. He says that I can't leave my husband for somebody else, but only for myself. He tells me that I have to learn to love myself first and then him and I can take it to the next level. We fell in love fast. My husband found out about my affair. He caught me three times. He made me quit my job and promised to never see him again. But I still see him everyday. I don't know why I keep going back into this; but I do. Oneday I'm so sure that I want to leave and move out, then next day I'm scared to death of being alone. I feel that I want to stay in the marriage, not for love, but because I have everything I want. I'm so scared to be alone because its the unknown. I'm tormenting my poor husband. I know I'm wrong. But Being with my boss takes away all the pain that I feel when I'm home. He always tells me to leave him for myself and not for him because relationships that start like that never last. I know he is right. Now when my husband is near I feel sick to my stomach. I feel like I don't even know him anymore and there is a stranger sleeping in my bed. We rarely make love and when we do I cry without him knowing. I feel like it's wrong. All I think about is my boss now. Last week, I found out tht my husband is seeing other woman as well. For some reason it doesn't bother me. I want to see him happy.
Is this really my true feelings? Is my heart really with my boss? Can I fall back in love with my husband? What about trust? Is all hope lost? Why do I pull away when my husband tries to kiss me? Why do I cry when we make love?
Where do I go from here?

Get thee to a marriage counselor.

Not married a year and already all these issues - time to get off the pot before you look back in 20 years and say "what was worth staying for". You get in a "rut" and it's hard to get out and the longer you stay unhappy, the harder it is. It's easier to just stay and "tolerate" the marriage cuz "it's not that bad". Your boss is a wise person - you really can't leave for someone else, but you can leave cuz it's the right thing for you (and your husband.) You will make both of your lives miserable if you stay for any reason other then you are in love. I stayed because of the same reasons. I use to sit and think about all the issues I'd have to deal with if I moved out - insurances, dividing things, etc. It all works out though, once you make the decision to just do it. You wouldn't be asking yourself all these questions if you were in love with you hubby - sorry for you pain and all the heart aches!

End you affair NOW. I know it is easier said than done but the affair is wreaking havoc with your emotions and clouding your judgment thus keeping you from making an informed decision regarding whether to save or end your marriage. Your hell will continue until you make the decision to end ALL contact with the OM [other man] forever and give yourself the time [a few months] needed to end your desire for him. You are not alone, we are here for you.

TMCM

Carolyn,

What a mess! Sorry you have to be here, but it is the best place under the circumstances.

TMCM has given you excellent advice; advice you probably do not want, but it is what you MUST do, for your own sake.

First, you are in no condition to do any of this on your own. You are in a really bad place right now. You are addicted to this A. Read the posts; post often yourself.

Start reading everything on this site. Buy the books, Surviving an Affair, His Needs/Her Needs, both by Harley. You can buy them thru this site, or from Amazon, or they may even be in your local library.

This is going to be so hard for you, but you must cut off all contact with the OM. You need to learn about and understand the concepts of Withdrawal/Fog. Again, read everything here.

Consider counseling with Steve Harley, also thru this site.

You don't want to dispose of your Mariage as though it was used Kleenex, then regret it in 10 years. And, your boss is right about relationships that start out as adultery. Statistically, they are doomed.

I wish you the best of luck.

Start doing one thing every day for your Hub. Then you willhave so much invested in marriage that you wont want to leave. And absolutely cut off the OM. Also, seek out other venerable marrieds to be friends with and their gold will rub off on you. And, pray A LOT for what you really want. Best Wishes.

Carolyn1080 - this is one of the more ridiculous statements I have read by a "supposed" Marriage Builder. It will likely fuel your desire to have your adultery "approved of," but that's not what you are likely to hear from the majority, especially from those who have gone through the tremendous pain of adultery.

Let me "give you the truth" about "Mr. Wonderful," aka your BOSS. He's a manipulator, a liar, a fraud, and an opportunist looking out for "number one" and noone else.

First, an affair with an employee is a very big "no no."

Second, you have been married less that 1 year, the "hardest" year of any marriage in many ways of adjusting to being married. The honeymoon and the "planning" have all ended and now the reality of "sharing your life" with someone else, even if you are NOT getting your needs met, begins to settle in.

Third, this "boss" is sooooo wise that he knows how to say all the "Right Things" to get into your pants and up your skirt, despite the fact that you are married. Instead of helping you to resolve your marital angst, he uses it to rape your marriage and get HIS "needs" met. "Don't divorce for him, divorce for you." What a crock of garbage! NO commitment there on his part. He's quite comfortable having sex with you with NO "strings attached." He's NOT stupid. He knows that if you will have sex with him WHILE you are married, you will likely do the same to him IF you were married to him. HE is not likely to "do for you," because he is too busy "doing for himself" and would continue to do that if you were married.
Besides...YOU know in your heart that if "Mr. Wonderful" will commit adultery WITH you, he would likely find the rationale to commit adultery ON you if you were together. After all, "do for you" is his mantra.

How can you be so gullible?

Carolyn, you need to wake up. That's easy to say, but if what you said about your husband also having an affair is true, then you are both behaving as totally self-centered children..."I want, I want, I want....therefore I can do whatever I want and take whatever I want with no regard to "right and wrong" and the harm that it does to others."

But I'm going to "cut your husband some slack" right now because by your own admission he has CAUGHT you in the act at least 3 times. You continue to lie to him and sneak around behind his back committing adultery with that "winner" of a boss. IF your husband is having an affair, it's most likely caused by the tremendous pain your choice to commit adultery has had on him. It's wrong for him to react that way, but I understand it as only a man whose wife has cheated on him can understand. Do you really think that you, or women, are the only ones who really have "feelings?"

Carolyn, those "little things" called Marriage Vows....do they have ANY meaning for you? If they do, and if you are SERIOUS about wanting help FOR your MARRIAGE, then you will get lots of help from people here on MB. But if you are looking for "justifications" to have an affair and to divorce your husband....."doing it for you" is deceptive beyond measure and a gigantic lie. You won't get much help in that department.

Carolyn, both you and your husband need to be in joing Marital Counseling.

Just what IS it that has "changed" in less than 1 year to where you "don't love your husband" and you "cringe and cry" at the thought of making love with him? Just how old are the two of you anyway?

Lastly, Carolyn, I am curious as to what part, if any, faith in God plays in your life and in your marriage. Faith, or lack of faith, will direct some of the advice you are given or not given, hence the query.

Carolyn, perhaps your marriage will be one of those that does not survive. But do yourself a huge favor and end the affair immediately with the "wolf in sheeps clothing." You need, more than anything right now, to be free of your emotional involvement and the pull of those emotions. Those emotions will put your "Taker" in charge and cloud you mind. It will make sound, logical, and rational choices almost impossible to make.

Carolyn, you are "playing" with a huge part of your life. "For better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, until death do us part." Does that sound anything like part of YOUR vow to YOUR husband? Marriage is not all "sugar and spice and all things nice." Marriage takes WORK and commitment. Marriage is NOT easy all the time. Marriage means that each spouse becomes the "servant" of the other. YOU both need counseling to better understand these commitments and roles.

The CHOICE, as always, is YOURS. You will be responsible for the choices you make and the consequences that go with them. "Choose wisely, grasshopper," as the saying goes.

I have just found out that my wife had an affair. We have been together for 10 years and married for 5 with 2 young children. From what I can see for you, no children, sex is bad and you don't seem to mind another women with him.

Get divorced right away. Stop wasting his and your time. You want something else.

We on the other hand are going to try to work it out.. I hope.

"""But Being with my boss takes away all the pain that I feel when I'm home."""

Your boss is a drug and you are an addict..PERIOD... Addicts are people who can't properly deal with the true emotions of life therefore they use mind-altering substances to escape. Just like you are using your boss to not have to deal with reality. Most addicts try to quit and can't. They come to a place where they no longer use for the high, they use to maintain, which sounds exactly like what you are doing.

STOP.... Go through withdrawal.... Seek individual as well as marital counceling and then decide which direction to go once sanity has re-entered you life...

ForeverHers - where in my post did I suggest that I "approved of" the adultry? I was not suggesting that the A was the right place for carolyn, but I am going along w/ rbell and saying that she's not where she needs to be. I agree that the first year of marriage is hard and it is a time when your "settling in", but it should also be a time when you WANT to try your hardest to make it all work. Some marriages are just not ment to be - from what Carolyn wrote about her and her husband, I think a bad choice was made and should be corrected before children are brought into the situation.
I'm new here, and I'm not trying to be a smart-A, but why is it that when we are single and fall in love and are caught up in the feelings and emotions it's ok, but when one(or both) are married, it's addiction?

Ditto on the Boss IMO. He's a wolf in sheep's clothing. You are probably not his first nor his last conquest. Geesh, how do people live with themselves?

Take heed to the posts. You might as well be addicted to heroin vs this "boss" guy. Same out come...slow death to your body and your mind.

If you can't accomplish the no contact, set your husband free to be with someone who respects him and loves him as a wife.

BARF!!

Spare us! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

With this attitude Please return to TOW (the "other" woman) the sooner the better...
I believe its >>>>>>>>>> that way.

So your the "other" ....question is other what??


Carolyn 1080:

NO, He is not Wise. (wise [censored] maybe)

In fact, your boss is a user, a manipulator and an opportunist.

He took your confidence and Turned it around to Pleasure himself Sexually.

A real Friend and hero would have helped you through this rough period (even if you did eventually get a D) ...without expecting to get in your panties.

Never mistake that this "somehow" just HAPPENED!

Doesn't work like that!

As too your H feeling like a stranger ......sadly its YOU that has changed (& NOT for the better).

Its your actions and "obsession" that is causing the Distance between you.

He's pretty much the same ....its your perceptions that are warped at the moment.

Begin to do your very best to Stop letting your "feelings" lead you around.
They are a poor compass for your life!

*********
Forever hers:
Posted this as soon as I read that junk from TO.

Sorry to have jumped on your band wagon (but we very much concur on this).
Guess I should make sure to read the whole thread first ....but sometimes reactions make it tough to do.

How right!! Why do BS's consistently seem to view OPs as 'friends' who were 'helping them thru a rough time', and 'things got out of control'?

IMO, really good friends do not USE their friends to satisfy their own selfish desires!

Sorry for the rant. I guess you now know how my FWH's A began...

Because unlike MOST committed relationships between two single people who are in love with each other, ALL affairs are very destructive relationships to all parties involved that are extremely hard for the WS to end. Any more questions.

TMCM

Carolyn

I see you have been vigerously advised from both sides here .. the newer people saying its too hard maybe not meant to be so let it go, the old brigade saying nono hang on.

Thats the result of course of passion that comes from their own experience to date.
Let me add one more from a woman who like you cheated on her husband.

I think the hardest thing here is for you to separate yourself from your X Boss and give yourself some space to make a sensible decision.
I can tell you from experience this separation is very hard, the friendship you percieve from the x boss is real to you, more real then your M.
WHy? because you have allowed it to. as did I.
However you will need to have him stay away to allow yourself the space you need to review and and reassess your M and relationship with your H. Its essential.

Your OM sounds SOOOOOO familiar in attitude, I could tell you some truths about such 'cool dudes' but right now you wont hear what I say..lets leave it for later ..

Regardless you must stay way from him AND if he is ANYTHING like you feel he is he will respect your request to stay away and not talk to you at all. You might want to think of it as a test of his nice guy image.

You cannot make a rational decision while in the A or even talking to or in contact with the OM ..it just cannot be done. Please understand this one important point, its critical.

Has your H attitude to you changed? darn well it has..he caught you 3 times, you openly threw the A in his face so of course he does not respect you or consider you. Has he given up on you and taken up with a GF or was he trying to make you jealous ? Who knows, I suspect you have no idea because you have no real communication with him. Oh been there and still am to some small extent.
That needs to be fixed quickly maybe right now with a pro mariage MC .... why pro M you ask, because its way to early to make a decison that may cause you pain the rest of your life ..remember your decision maybe to stay or go & either one made follishly is not good for either of you.

In turn does that response from you H trigger further resentment and separation from him in you??? oh yes. It allows you to say to yourself 'see, I was right, he doesn't really care or love me' and you will find yourself even denying that you think this way... but you do. If you didn't you would have to accept you were wrong to start the A.
Self justification is very important when you have an A Carolyn. It does not just need to have been your H, it could actually be outside issues work related, close relative dying things like that. But the bottom line is you need to justify. e.g "I was very sad that the whole 2 year planning for the wedding was over - My husband became very consumed with online poker - I lost his attention - The love making between us was terrible - blah blah blah
Carolyn they are excuses, maybe driving forces, but excuses no matter - you had the A because you CHOSE to have the A,,,as did I. Lets not fool ourselves here.

CArolyn I do think you two need urgent professional help here from a good MC ...maybe you should talk to one of the Harleys from this MB site - see the couselling shortcut at the top of the page - I know they are not cheap but they are very very experienced.
That you are asking questions here indicates to me you are not sure what you want except you know you cannot continue as it is right now.... I agree you cant. But I also believe you cant run away and all will just be 'perfect' it wont be by a long shot.

whatever allowed you to cheat in your M is still there and will simply allow you to cheat in your next R should you leave your M as it is now.

If you want to have any hope of making an informed, sane and sensible - but very very hard decision - and staying in the M right now might be the hardest for you - you MUST have no contact with OM...no MC will work with you if that is not the case. You may need a counsellor to help you separate from the OM first but see how you go on that.

Carolyn I urge you to make no decision until you have no contact for 3 or4 months, please it is just too hard to do otherwise.


Now I also understand very well that any decision you make on the M - especially if its to stay - is also dependent on your H as well. He may say no you cheated I'm out of here.
well I guess its his right, just as its my H right to say the same...its one of the consequences of having an A.

But remember this .... experience here shows many BS are willing to work on their M and forgiveness as do WS FORGIVE AND WORk on the M as well.

Lets leave it at that for now you have a bit to ponder and think about ... but hey I'm in & fighting for my M after stuffing it up so dont lose hope ok? Look at it this way... you can always divorce but rarely will you get remarried if you find you made a mistake ...so take the time to make sure!!!

((((((((((aussieswife))))))))))

God bless you and your marriage! The "voice of experience" is often the best teacher, even if it's not the "easiest way to learn."

I pray that Carolyn hears you.

So many of you have given me mixed reviews. I appreciate the honesty more than anyone knows. I am so willing to try to make this marriage work. Most are telling me to cut all ties with my boss. My heart is telling me to do the same as well. One thing I have on my side is that he is leaving for a new job out in California and we are here in New Jersey. I take this as an omen. This Sunday both him and I agreed to take this time and stop all contact. Althought he'll be back on weekends for the first few months, soon after, I'm sure he'll have to relocate. Again, I take this as a sign and a push for me to move in the "right" direction.
I failed to mention in my first post that my boss and myself have tried to end it before, about 3 times, to be exact. And I cried when I told him, and he told me that he was hurting and empty without me. This made it so much harder for me when I knew he was in pain too. I told him that even after one day of no contact I felt like my head was clearing up. But then we speak and I go right back to my black hole. He told me that he understands but who knows if thats the truth. This Sunday will be our last day together. I know many of you will not agree with my actions and tell me to end it today. But I want to do things right and not hurt anyone. I would rather have the respect for him and end it in person. I want him to see it in my eyes that I'm very serious about saying goodbye.
It's so hard for me right now. But reading all this support really helps. Thank you to everyone! I know that next week will be my hardest as I enter my withdrawal. I hope that everyone means it when they say that people are here for me. I know I will need it.

Do you mean last day Working as regular coworkers ----- or last day of fantasy Bliss "being" Together?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

"""But I want to do things right and not hurt anyone."""

TOO LATE... You've already hurt people, including yourself. If you truly want to do things right then you will end it today, right now. Sit in front of your computer and write a good-bye/no contact letter and begin healing.

"""I would rather have the respect for him and end it in person."""

Had he any respect for you, you wouldn't be in this position to begin with. There is no respect tied to an affair, absolutely none.

"""I want him to see it in my eyes that I'm very serious about saying goodbye."""

Show him you're done through your actions.

Carolyn,

"""This Sunday will be our last day together. I know many of you will not agree with my actions and tell me to end it today. But I want to do things right and not hurt anyone. I would rather have the respect for him and end it in person. I want him to see it in my eyes that I'm very serious about saying goodbye."""

You sound like you seriously want to do the right thing. So do it. Stop now. Write a NC letter on your computer - you can find a template right here on the MB website - and send it. Today.

This is not a soap opera, not a romance novel. This is real life. And you are romanticizing something that is NOT beautiful, or wonderful at all. It was/still is a cheap, tawdry affair. You have a real husband at home. Honor the vows you made before him, before your family & friends, and before God.

Give you marriage everything you've got. If, at the end of it all, you end up divorcing, you can at least say you gave it your all.

You are cake-eating. You are hedging. Stop it now.

I know this is hard, but there is no such thing as one last meeting. My H went to a "one, last meeting" 1 month after Dday, to say "good-bye forever". He ended up sleeping with the OW! And, so, that was the last time they saw each other, but do you think it helped anything? NO!!! What really madethe difference wasanactual NC letter. And, please do not usethe term 'respect' in the same sentence with the OM. He hit on, and used a Married Woman for his own selfish, sexual needs. He is not deserving of anything. And, a NC letter is NOT disrespectful.

Good luck.