Put your "ending the contact" on a work "post it". He'll get it for sure!

Well, I took everyones advice. I ended it today. I wasn't planning on it, but as we sat there holding each other, I opened my mouth and out came the words. It hurt so so much. But I must say that as I took off in my car, I felt a bit relaxed because I'm done with the sneaking around.
I told my husband about this site. I want him to look more around on this site tonight when he gets home. Because although I hopefully ended my affair, I believe his is just starting. I found out that he is seeing another woman. He only saw her twice, so I pray that this site will encourage him and give him the strength to end it now.
Tomorrow will be my first day of withdrawal. What should I expect? What can I do to make it not hurt so much? I need advice please.

Don't call him, don't answer his calls. Don't email him, don't accept his email (block it).

You will expect to feel like you are on a 1200 calorie or less per day diet and you are a person who loves pasta and homeade fresh baked bread with melted butter on it and rich milk chocolate and ice cream and licorice, but you can't have it if you want to loose those 165 lbs (or what ever his weight might be). You can't even have a taste of it, because it will make you feel guilty for eating it and you will feel toxic for ingesting it. I hope this is a good analogy for you.

Just don't reach for it. Take one day at a time. Good luck towards becoming a good spouse.

Take a walk if it becomes to hard. Go to your gym and workout, hard! Keep busy.

You will be in my prayers...

holiday

Carolyn - first things first....congratulations on "doing the right thing!" I know it was hard emotionally, but you KNOW deep down that it WAS the right thing, and the only thing to do.

Now, a brief comment on your question:



First, the "bad news." There is little that can be done initially to "make it not hurt so much." Think of it like you got a really bad sunburn because you "didn't listen" and got lost "sunbathing" because it felt so good at the time. Now, you have to endure the pain while the healing starts. The one ingredient that all of this will have in common is TIME. It is going to take time. The "average" time to go through recovery and emerge with a recovered marriage is 2 years. That's not said to "panic" you. Some take less time and some take more. I have been "at it" for 3 years now and am still "in the process of recovery. Your timeframe will likely be less, IF you both are serious about working on it and if NO Contact with OM is maintained for rest of your life. The "really hard parts" usually only take a few months, then the rest is getting through the remainder of the healing process.

Withdrawal varies from person to person. In general, withdrawal for women involved in Class II affairs, the withdrawal is harder and more intense for a little while because women tend to "invest" more of themselves emotionally and it really does mimic a "drug withdrawal." The "good news" is that the most "intense" part of it, should you have to deal with it, usually only lasts 3-4 weeks. To get totally out of it will require redirecting your actions and feelings toward your husband and learning how to love him despite your "feelings," until you both begin to make substantial deposits into your respective "Love Banks."

It has taken my wife some 3 years to pretty much get totally out of her emotional entanglement with her OM, but her affair was 6 years long and very involved. So you won't likely have to face anything like that, and neither will your husband.

Now, for a more practical suggestion. IF your husband is willing to "work on the marriage," there is much rebuilding that is going to be needed. You both need to commit to "sticking it out for the long haul." That is, no "half measures," no "escape hatch" to bail out when you hit the inevitable hard stuff that needs to be worked through. You cannot "go around this." You have to go through it and emerge on the other side with the work done and a newer, better, stronger, more loving marriage in place and the shambles of the current marriage left in the past as an "event" that you both learned some heartfelt and valuable lessons from.

Part of this process is that you both need to be in Joint Maritial Counseling with a trained counselor who is committed to saving marriages. "Amateur hour" is what you and your husband have been doing the past year. You've both seen the results and I'm betting neither of you likes what you see. So swallow whatever "pride" or "objections" there may be and GET HELP from a professional. You CAN use this system for "day to day" help, as we have been through this mess and learned the "hard way" ourselves.

God bless. And if you happen to be believers, let us know so that we can offer help in that area also.

Carolyn,

Good for you. Let me add my congratulations.

It would probably be helpful if both you and your H read & posted here. The support is very helpful.

WD varies in length, but usually lasts less than 6 weeks.

When you feel its pangs, call your H, exercise, pray.

I wish you the best of luck. You are in my prayers.

Carolyn,

Recovery, personal and marital, is a one day at a time process that cannot and should not be rushed. Take each day as though THAT one day was the ONLY day that mattered, and repeat the process the following day, and so on and so on. The main point to remember is that you want to avoid ANY contact with the OM because it will set you back to day one on the withdrawl road. If you feel weak, then come here and get as much support as you need in order to stick to NC [no contact]. If you must seek the counsel of FWW [former wayward wives], then seek out women like gentlesoul, and Ahuman to name a few. As I said in my first post to you, you are NOT alone.

God Bless you and your H.

TMCM

Carolyn

congratulations for making that hard decision and carrying it through.
You will most likely feel soooo tempted to contact OM by phone or IM etc etc, but pls dont ....every time you contact him you go back to the start. So dont do it. If you feel tempted log on here or in General Questions 11 [GQ11] and ask for help.
If by chance no one around perhaps have a IC - Individual counsellor - for yourself to help you through this time.

About 3 to 4 weeks is usually the norm for the worst to be over, some women have less some like myself hardly any ... again its related I think to the amount of emotional energy has gone into the A ..what you invested of yourself.

Should you start feeling depressed go to your doctor and explain the situation and ask for AD's .. its not weakness to get help through this rough time. I've been using AD's for many months - I stopped but started to become very depressed for the hurt I caused had to go back on - frankly I didn't want to but commonsense prevailed.
The new AD's do not make you a zombie as the old wives tales say ... you operate quite normally but it stops the dark thoughts etc.
Of course you may not need them but dont try to tough it out if you atart to feel really bad.

Make sure you do read all you can here, the books reccomended etc and ask questions if you need to..great people here with lots of experience.

I do suggest you seriously consider with your H a pro marriage MC as I said before. They are so helpful... dont settle for just anyone YOU both have to be comfortable with the MC .... and remember a good one will challenge you and ask the hard questions ..I was so embarrassed when I first started ..but it has been a God send.

Your h I suspect will need to be persuaded to come back to the M. though if hes just turning away then you have a good opportunity to get his commitment back more quickly.

No guarantees here Carolyn but nothing worth fighting for is easy, especially marriages.
One day at a time thats all you can do.

So now its all a mess, including myself. I came clean with my husband. He wanted to know everything. I know I owe it to him to tell all but at the same time I know that some of the things he will hear will hurt him and make him more angry. Am I doing the right thing by telling him EVERYTHING?
I also found out that he saw the other woman last night. I heard a message from her on his cell this morning. I confronted him about it. Except this time I didn't yell and scream. I took a very clam approach. I keep pushing him to read this site. I want him to believe me when I say that I'm going to try. But I know that he is not believing much of anything I say right now. He just keeps asking so many questions, he's trying to catch me in another lie. My husband is tormenting me by telling me that he will not give 100% into this until I prove myself to him. He keeps degrading me with his words. I try to tell him that I understand that he is hurting right now but in my mind he is crossing the lines with what he is saying to me. He tells me that he will continue to see his other woman until he is ready. what does that mean, "until I'm ready"? He says that I had an affair and lied to him for 6 months, now he wants to do things HIS way. Does he really mean it?
Also, this afternoon he sent my boss a letter. I don't know how he got his email, but my boss read it and called me. My husband told me he wrote him, but I didn't believe it. Now things are getting ugly. This wasn't a nice letter. I don't want things to go this far. I'm a bit scared now. My husband knows his address, which is 10 min down the road. He's has his phone number and now his email. My husband says he will not fell better until he has his closure. I can't let this happen. What am I to do now?
I picked up the phone when my boss called. I knew he was calling me to tell me about the letter. Again, I just said, that him and I are done. Lose my number and forget about me. Good luck in your new job and I hung up. He didn't call back. Please help me! I can't let violence get involved. What can I say to stop these violent thoughts that are racing thru my husband's head?
Also, I have his other woman's phone number. She doesn't know about me or the fact that he is married. I asked him to end it with her. I said to him that he doesn't have to tell her that I exist but just to end it today with her. Is it right for me to call her if he contacts my boss again? My head is spinning right now and I can't stop this pain nor my crying. I'm so alone...

First, slow down, breathe, relax….

“””So now its all a mess, including myself.”””

Actually, it’s probably always been a mess, it’s just that now the mess is out in the open instead of hidden. Now we can start cleaning up the mess.

“””I came clean with my husband. He wanted to know everything. I know I owe it to him to tell all but at the same time I know that some of the things he will hear will hurt him and make him more angry. Am I doing the right thing by telling him EVERYTHING?”””

IMO Yes and no. Yes you should tell him everything, be honest, totally honest. That being said, you can control the venue in which this happens. Set out the guidelines before you discuss it. If he gets to yelling, end the discussion for a while. That much control you do have.

“””But I know that he is not believing much of anything I say right now.”””

And that’s his right, somethings are going to take action for him to have security in the fact that you’ve changed.

“””he's trying to catch me in another lie.”””

That’s easy, don’t lie.

“””My husband is tormenting me by telling me that he will not give 100% into this until I prove myself to him.”””

This is all pretty fresh, give it some time. Take his emotional words with a grain of salt.

“””I try to tell him that I understand that he is hurting right now but in my mind he is crossing the lines with what he is saying to me.”””

You can choose not to participate when things reach that level. If at any time you are in danger you can leave.

“”” He says that I had an affair and lied to him for 6 months, now he wants to do things HIS way. Does he really mean it?”””

Again, this is all pretty fresh, give it some time. Take his emotional words with a grain of salt.

“””I don't want things to go this far. I'm a bit scared now.”””

Endure that you are safe.

“””My husband says he will not fell better until he has his closure. I can't let this happen. What am I to do now?”””

What your husband does is beyond your control. Just like what you were doing was beyond his control. Know now where your control is and yield it.

”””I picked up the phone when my boss called. I knew he was calling me to tell me about the letter.”””

Doesn’t matter, you shouldn’t have answered. Your boss is a big boy and crying to you about it is only to try to suck you back into the drama. NO CONTACT!

“””What can I say to stop these violent thoughts that are racing thru my husband's head?”””

Nothing. You can only control yourself and keep yourself safe.

”””Is it right for me to call her if he contacts my boss again?”””

In all honesty, I don’t know. At some point exposure is necessary but with all the other drama, I don’t think now is a good time. Plus, you don’t want to do it as retaliation for his actions.

I just got off the phone with my husband and now he is talking about pressing charges against my boss. I can't have that. I'm begging my husband not to talk like that to me right now cause I'm at a fragile time where things that he says to me are starting to get into my head and instead of me being strong, I feel the need to call my boss for support. Where is the support from my husband. I beg him to leave me alone for a little while. Why does he have to talk like this to me? Doesn't he understand that his words can do nothing but harm me and push me into the wrong direction. I am a very strong woman when it comes to fighting the urge to call my boss based of my self inflicted pain alone. But when my husband adds insult to injury and keeps thowing me back down when I'm really trying this time to get up and stay up; how much can one take? I need to get through to him that I need him to stop filling my head with threats. If only my husband were to just stop vocalizing what he wants to do towards my boss, then I can handle this withdrawal a lot better. Out of sight-out of mind. I'm not protecting my boss. I just can't handle my husbands' words when it comes to threats.
I woke up this morning with an attitude that I'm going to get thru this. "We" are going to get thru this. Everytime my husband said something negative, this morning, I just kept saying to myself, "this is a normal reaction on his half, look what I did to him, I deserve this". And I was fine. I really felt nothing when he bad-mouth my boss. But in the afternoon, he called me to ramble on about how he wants to contact him, and press charges. Then my heart was pounding. I don't want this to happen. And I begged him to stop talking like that. And the more he went on, the more I wanted to hang up but that would have started WWIII. But when he goes on these fits, he pushes me closer to relapsing. Except this time its different. I can recognize it before it happens. So I plead with him to stop for my sake. Am I going about this all wrong?

Carolyn,

Now that you're here, you will become familiar with the concept of 2 x 4s, whereby your fellow MBers will (hopefully) knock you gently on the head when you are 'out of line'.

You are being a drama queen.

Stop thinking about yourself. The A was all about you. Your M/R is about the TWO of you - you and your H. The OM does not matter anynore.

What did you expect your H to want to do when he heard the whole sordid tale of your A? Shake hands w/the OM?

Your H is coping with hearing what is probably the worst news of his entire life thus far. Period.

You cannot control him. You can only control yourself.

You could ask him for a cooling off period where neither of you does anything (except starting your MB pronciples, and starting MC) for 6 weeks. You could tell him you respect his anger, his sense of betrayal, but please wait until cooler heads prevail.

I wish you luck. You are both in my prayers.

“””I just got off the phone with my husband and now he is talking about pressing charges against my boss. I can't have that.”””

From a different perspective, YOU can’t control that. I have no idea what charges he is thinking of pressing but if you boss did something against the law and charges are filed against him, that is called justice. But again, that is no longer a part of you, it is now apart from you.

“””I'm begging my husband not to talk like that to me right now cause I'm at a fragile time where things that he says to me are starting to get into my head and instead of me being strong”””

Remove yourself from the situation when things get that way. Don’t beg, plead, fantasize, or whatever. The situation created by your actions is what it is and there is nothing you can do to change that. And no one is pushing you inside your head, you are allowing yourself to go there. The best way to stay away from there is to talk to someone OUTSIDE of this situation. Talking to husband or boss only enables you to remain there.

“””I feel the need to call my boss for support. Where is the support from my husband.”””

Bad idea to call the boss, but I’m sure you already know that. Your husband is crushed, of course this is all going to take time for him to take in. Right now he’s probably reacting purely out of hurt emotion.

“””Doesn't he understand that his words can do nothing but harm me and push me into the wrong direction.”””

Just as a side point, his words push you in no direction, YOU choose your path.

“””If only my husband were to just stop vocalizing what he wants to do towards my boss, then I can handle this withdrawal a lot better.”””

Your recovery is based on YOUR actions, not your husbands or your bosses. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE, no one else.

“””But when he goes on these fits, he pushes me closer to relapsing.”””

No one pushes you to RELAPSE; you do that all on your own. YOU are responsible for your actions.

My husband had an affair too and he isn't seeing the other woman she and her husband even took out a protection order to keep him away. So don't ruin you and your husband's life anymore than it already is. Seperate and stay away from both of them and get your mind clear. My husband don't want to leave either and lose the security he has with me. But that is wrong and I know it. I am truly sorry for your pain I have a lot of my own right now and it will only get worse if you let it. You have both ended your marriage by seeing other people it doesn't seem right to go on with it anyway. Best of luck and hope you do the right thing for every one involved.

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Carolyn

your H is indeed hurt and I submit you only confirmed what he knew already - so yes he is havng a revenge affair no doubt about it.

Yes he does not trust you, he will not for a long long long time - maybe years - face that right now. There are no magical answers just months of hard work ahead.

No he is NOT committed to the M and you right now but probably cares for you still else why the anger??? He just feels if you did it for 12 months so can he ..wrong headed thinking but hes angry and hurt and will say a lot of things to make you hurt as much as he does and has been for some months. His actions are the same.

Does he hate OM ..YES would ne hurt him if he found him - harder question to ans ..perhaps in anger ..I locked my H guns away for this reason and,, well for other reasons too.
Bottom line is that there is little you can do.

Going through your withdrawal of the OM you will not feel like having to discuss much with your H. However try to and it will get through you are making the effort ,, maybe not right away though.

DO YOU TELL HIM EVERYTHING???? Tell him you will and be prepared to tell him whatever he wants to know. DO MOT volunteer blow by blow details UNLESS he wants that .. bottom line is tell him want he wants to know.
Yes it will hurt him but it also acts as a means to quantify and qualify WHAT went on for him.

Right now the anger and pain is too raw for your H to fully process. He will likely keep seeing OW ... do you expose?? wait a week see how the issue evolves.

HOWEVER what ever you do DO NOT give in and contact the OM


Best of luck and hugs to you Carolyn