About two months ago my wife informed me she didnt love me anymore. Of course I was shocked and dismayed at this- (Looking back I can see how I have not filled some of her emotional needs). She informed me at that time she wanted me to move out. I did so- but begrudingly. After a few weeks of her "Plan B" I became very insecure and decided if she was the unhappy one-that she needed to be the one to move out. I moved back into our home without discussion. From there things got much worse I tried to control her and constantly needed to talk to her and wanted to fix and work on the relationship and not on myself. Last week things came to a head, after finding a letter that she wrote to some one and telling them that she really "didnt want me anymore". After finding the letter I became agitated and walked into the bathroom and climbed into the shower with her and started to intiate sex- but nothing happended. I did this out of frustratiion and feeling rejected the last couple of months. Because of doing this, it scared her and she turned around and took our 5 kids to a womens shelter and filed a protective order against me. She is definetly filing for a divorce, but yet wants me to do the paper work. She has been wanting out of and wanting a divorce for a couple of months. Two years ago she had an affair-. And now that she has been talking and seeking "friendships" with men. Until the bathroom incident she was unwilling to take the leap to file for a divorce- she was also unwilling to read, get counseling or do anything to help fix the marriage (I can see now that she was done a while ago, its taken me this long to see the light). I have never physically abused or assulted my wife. I would like to fix our marriage but feel like it is totlly lost. I feel like I should implement my own "plan B" and not have any further contact with her. That if she is so bent on a divorce then she is the one that should take responsibility for the filing. Any ideas. Is there any hope on restoring my marriage. I know I have caused problems and am willing and have been willing to fix and work on my issues. I just feel that I have lost my entire family.

I've only got a minute but wanted to respond. Do you get to see your children? Are there any charges pending on the shower incident? Are you in counceling?

These are just a few of the questions that I have. I do believe from this limited sharing about you that counceling could be really benificial. That shower incident wasn't about sex, it was about POWER and CONTROL. That is definately an unhealthy reaction and I'm quite sure she viewed it as attempted rape, which IMHO it probably was.

As far as what to do, if you wish to maintain contact with your children, your only option may be to go through legal channels to do so.

No matter what you do, take time to work on yourself and these control/anger issues. Whatever happens, life will be better if those are in your past.

Thanks, Bill.

I go to court this Thursay, May 12th on the protective order. My wife wife stated in the order that she would allow "supervised visits", but to this point has yet to allow me to see them. I did get to talk to my two youngest ones today(which was great). I agree with you Bill that my bathroom action was about Power/Control and not dealing with my anger. I am going to group meetings on a twelve step program and reading books. I am not currently in counseling, but know deep down inside that I must. Its a $$$ thing right now.

In regards to my kids I am hoping to get to see them after my court date. I know my two oldest, both girls age 14,12 are very upset and angry with me and what I did. The frustrating thing is that they were not home at the time of the incident. My wife has told them what I did. So, I feel right now that my relationship with them is lost- at least temporarily. And that I will only gain back their trust through time and proving myself to them.

As far as my marriage. I want it to work. But no now that I do not have control over this and maybe its for the better- for my wife and kids because of my actions.

Your whole marriage thing, is pretty much out of your control. I don't know how she's working the financial end of things, but I would presume she'd file in order to secure the financial position for her and the kids.

That you are taking steps, whether ordered or not ordered is great. The only thing right now that you have control over is you and you alone. That you've put yourself in this position is not the end of the world. You screwed up. Heck, we've all screwed up. As a result of that certain things are going to happen, now how you deal with those things is what is important. A 12-step program is a wonderful tool when implimented throughout your daily life activities.

So right now, it appears that you are going to have to play by someone else's rules for a while. Do that. REMAIN TEACHABLE. Whatever happens on the 12th is going to happen PERIOD. Continue to work on yourself. Do what is asked of you through the supervised visitation. For a while, just live life on life's terms focusing on what you truly have control over and that is simply you.....

I know I need to work on myself and let things just take their own time in working themselves out. I know shortly that she will still want to talk to me and see how things are going, because she already started doing that a week after the court order. I told her last week that is was not a good idea for us to talk, until the court date. She became upset and frustrated. I still love her and want our marriage to work. But feel that I must totally detach from her, let her go on and do the best I can of providing for my five kids. Is this the best route to take? Detaching, going with a "Plan B"?

Post deleted by FoundMan

Hello everyone

I am new at this so lets get started.

I have been married for 8 years and have tywo children 6 and 18mths. I thought things were good??? My wife has had some emotional issues stemming from her father and she would project them on to me. Will over the past 5 years I guess that I became numb to what was being said and would ask her to address it with him. To make a long story short we separated 2 months ago(this is soley what she wants) and she is living with her brother. We have joint custody of the children. My issue is this IT SOUNDS LIKE SHE HAS FOUND SOMEONE TO LISTEN TO HER -(AFFAIR). I know I cant personally stop the affair because she has been swept away. After reading a number of articals on this site I have distanced myself from her and am willing to ride out the storm. Sher has alot of outside support and it looks like it is getting ugly. we both have lawyers. any words of wisdom on calming the storm!!!!!!!!!!! HELP

Well yesterday I went to court and things went better then expected. My wife dismissed the protective order and we mutually entered into a "mutual restraing order" meaning that we can talk to each other all we want- but cant comitt any violence towards each other( which is what I do not want to do any way). Additionally, she was quite cordial and happy to see me. She mentioned that she liked my new goateee and wanted to know what I had been up too. She also agreed to let me see my 5 kids that night (which was great). When I went to drop them back to their mom. She intentionally got out of the car and wanted to talk to me. She stated that she liked my new goatee and wanted to know why I decided to grow it (its a man thing). Additionally, she wanted to know what I had been doing and where I was working. She stated that "we needed to be open and honest" with each other. I had a difficult time not wanting to talk to her. I really want to stick with my Plan B. For so long she has been complaining that I "control" her too much. and it has felt really good to not know what she has been doing or worrying about her. I do know that she is still adamant about filing divorce papers. But like Foundman said. I need to give her all the Power/Controll that she wants.

Like Foundman said[quote
As for a "PLAN" whether it be A, B, or the Big D I don't think that any of these truly apply right now. Right now the focus is on you getting healthy. Listen to your advisors, have they given you suggestions on this topic? Do what is asked through the courts. Work on your relationship with your kids, you've got some major clean-up to do. And as for the wife, I personally would play it off her. Give her the power and control. [/quote]

I do hope things work out for the best. But, also know that I cant doing anything about other peoples choices. I can only be responsible for me and my choices.