I need to advice on coping with the aftermath of a 4 year disaster. My husband started his affair when our son was born. He felt left out and somehow abandoned by me and was not supportive or helpful but instead filled his void by befriending the OW. I have known him for 17 years and said I would never tolerate this kind of thing but when I found out, after the anger subsided, I was not ready to let go. He let on like the affair was over but throughout the four years, I repeatedly found evidence and he would manage to talk his way out of it and we would go on. This past year was the very worst. He moved out more times than I can even remember to count and each time I had no intentions of taking him back, but our love for each other was so strong that we would always end up back together but he seemed to have an obscession with the OW even though he knew he wanted to do what was right and be with his family. Once he could have her and was free, he always came back to me but seemed to never be able to permanently break off all communication with her. He managed to convince me over and over that it was real each time and I managed to believe and forgive until this past time that he moved out. I said it was over and he worked harder than ever to win me back. However, upon his arrival back home and our reconciation I found out that he had lied about what he was really doing the whole time he was out. He said I would not have taken him back if I knew the truth but it was what he needed to do to get over it. The bottom line is that due the depth of his lies and deception, although I love him more that words can say and need him and want him and our family, I will not ever again believe anything he tells me and I constantly obscess that the affair may still be going on or even phone calls. His car phone and pager worry me sick and he cannot reassure me as he has reassured me in the past only to cover up what he was really doing. I know how persistent this woman is and I know how addicted he was to the affair, and I do not know how to believe that this time is real. I am afraid that my obscessing is going to ruin everything. I constantly hurt over what he has already done and constantly worry that they are calling each other again or have all along or worse and I am mortified at the thought of what he might do in the future but at the same time love him so much and he loves me so much and I do not want our family to break up. He is ashamed of what he has done but there is nothing that makes me stop worrying every day. I fear the arrival of the car phone bill and fear every day that I will find out that my suspicions are correct. Everytime we have a disagreement, I think he is going to go out and call her. Everytime a strange number comes up on the caller I.D., I think it is her trying to call our home AGAIN. I need some peace of mind. He really is doing nothing to make me suspicious; however, I monitor and dissect his every action and word and find suspicious things every day because I look so closely. I need some advice on dealing with and accepting what has already been done, finding inner peace on a daily basis with accepting that what I see and that it is real, and with my fears about what he will do in the future. I constantly have a knot in my stomach. I need to feel some inner peace. I need some advice of how to live happily and peacefully in this life of mine. Can anybody out there relate to my story?

carly,<BR>Yes, you have found someone that can relate to your story, I'm sorry to say!<BR>MY H affair lasted 3 years. He tried to leave 3 times after he told me himself about it. He now admits that he wanted it to be over. I guess what I can tell you is: go with your intuition, his actions should speak louder than his words. It was my H's idea to go to counselling. His idea to document every step he took for me, proof of where he had been (even if it was his score card from the Golf course) phoning home if he was going to be late at all, writting me a note every morning on a little yellow note pad ( I have over 500 of them and still going) It has been 19mo. into recovery for us, he is still working on this, yesterday it even got better. I am trusting him now, I see that he is truly back. We have a different and stronger marriage, it has been alot of work, alot of pain. I still am hurting, I still am embarrased. BUT we love each other totally, he understands what love is now. He will have guilt forever. He gives me good feelings now as strong as I had those feelings of pain before, but the good feelings are out weighing the bad ones! Hope this helped. Hope I find you at this point someday. It takes TIME.<BR>Almost <P>------------<BR>TIME

Hi Carly,<BR> You have been through the wringer...is there any possible way in the world you could move? That was my condition for my H returning and we did ....it's been rough moving everyone and being away from family and friends but well worth it. In my case if we hadn't I'm afraid the marriage would've gone down the tubes because my H was as addicted as yours.....Lu

Trust is so hard to regain and so easily lost. I doubt any of us realizes it until something like an affair happens.<P>Moving is the best idea. If you can do it at all.<P>Talking to him and telling him that for some time you are going to need to know where he is. Are the pager and the car phone necessary for his job? If not getting rid of them would be a good idea.<P>PRAY. God bless you.

Carlysue29, perhaps there is no one who understands your problem more than me. I distrust my husband too. He and his current<BR>girlfriend both have Mondays off (and she is still working for him, with after hours sex).<BR>He denies it, but THERE IS NO ONE OUT THERE THAN CAN CONVINCE ME that there is nothing.<BR>I gotta be stupid. They go to lunch, have a grand time then he comes home and the grass is still not cut, why do you think that is, he was too busy with her. Another thing, once a cheater always a cheater, I will never trust him again, I will probably leave him as soon as the kids are a little older, meanwhile, i keep on trucking. Have you considered leaving him ? They really don't deserve nice, caring wifes like us. I love him too but lies may slowly kill the love I still have left. It's really difficult to be the the only partner who is serious about working it out. Good luck. <BR>