I just sent this letter to the OM...<P>I know I should have just let it go, but I really needed to get the weight I was carrying around off my shoulders. I'm feeling a bit sad that I said some pretty terrible things to him...I'm sure he's hurting too.<P>*********************************************<BR>OM,<P>I have so much to say to you, but I figured that I have no right to judge you because after all I participated in the affair just as much as you did. But, there are few things I need to say to justify myself and why I got so caught up in your web.<P>I had a difficult time moving on and accepting the fact that you chose your wife over me. When you told me that you didn't even like each other I thought your decision would be easy…I just couldn't understand how you could give me up. I don't have a very positive image in my mind of your wife, but why would I, you never painted a very pretty picture. (actually, she never painted a very pretty picture of herself either) You may think that you never spoke of your wife in a negative way, but the things you did tell me didn't give me the impression that you had a very loving, caring, and respectful relationship. You never, with meaning, said anything nice about her…but, then again, why would you. If you did I never would have given you what you wanted, I never would have slept with you. I thought I was saving you from what I believed was a miserable existence with your wife. But, since I don't really know you and your personal, private life with your wife I have no right to jump to conclusions.<P>Next time you have an affair (unless you get divorced, or plan on being faithful to your wife for the next 30-50 years) please be careful about the things you say to the other woman. Let the woman know from the beginning that you have no intentions on ever leaving your wife…I guarantee you won't get what you want, unless you find someone as shallow as you that doesn't mind lying to their spouse to fulfill their own needs. Okay, I realize that I didn't think that you would leave your wife after our initial encounter…but, the things you said to me before, during and after just suckered me in. I fell in love with the way that you made me feel, not with who you were…I don't even know who you are. I also realize that it takes two to tango. I lied to my husband just as much as you lied to your wife…but the difference is that I wanted to end the affair and get on with my life with you, where as you would have been happy with just having an affair.<P>You said you wanted to work it out with your wife…but does working it out entail asking me to lunch, giving me a foot massage, kissing me, telling me I'm beautiful, and asking, "how are your boobs?" You say you can love two people at the same time, but you don't know what love is…love doesn't mean lying and hurting people to get what you want and to make yourself happy.<P>Next time you get involved with another woman don't lead her on by telling her you love her, she's your best friend, you want to be together and live happily ever after, or that you want to marry her in a little chapel in Reno. Don't plan white water rafting trips together and then tell her the only reason you planned it was to be closer to her. Don't give her false hopes by telling her to "give it time", or "things will work out", or "I'm afraid if I ever get divorced it will be too late for us". Don't tell her you miss her, you think about her every 10 minutes, or that you're treading water without her. Don't talk about what your kids would look like together, or where you would live, or how much your family would love her. <P>Maybe those words meant nothing to you, but they meant something to me. You never realized the weight of your words. You were obviously in fantasy mode, where as I was only searching to be authentic. I took in your fantastical imagining of what our kids would look like or what a spontaneously romantic wedding in Reno would be like and interpreted it as anyone would: True Love. I thought I found real love that I couldn't deny…now I know better. I believed my marriage was doomed because I felt that my husband didn't love me as much as you did (that's a laugh). I thought that in order for my husband to love me that he had to constantly shower me with nice words and basically kiss the ground I walked on. Now, after some major soul searching, I know what love is all about. I know my husband loves me…the real me, not the fantasy me. No one knows for sure if their marriage is going to last forever, but at least I know that you won't be the one to end mine with my husband.<P>I wish that you would have saved me some major heartache by being a man and telling me the bottom line from the beginning. I realize your way of dealing with it was by avoiding me and not calling me. But when I called you, you continued to lead me on…I needed to hear a definite answer that you didn't have the guts to give me. I needed to hear that you made the right decision and that you no longer wanted me in your life. I wish you had never been so selfish and self-serving.<P>Pam<BR>

Oh Holly...<P>I wish you would have been the OW in my H's life, as you have seen through the rose colored glasses, and I don't think my OW ever will.... I don't have any bad/hate feelings toward the OW in my life, I feel she is a victim as you have been, even more so, as she left her H and had a child by my H. <P>My H has a beautiful way with words, but like you discovered no reality to back it up...H could make me believe I was a princess and someday he would build me a castle in opal and onyx, yet to the OW I was a monster in the moot....Yes I talked to her....<P>How long did it take you to see clearly?<P>U2B

I wouldn't say I'm seeing completely clear...it's a daily process and I've been struggling with it for about 4 months.

Holly,<BR>You have just reached a major turning point. Congrats! I hope you hold yourself to it and use what you can here to work on your own marriage. It's never going to be easy, but it's soooooo worth it. Good for you!

Looked pretty clear to me! Maybe I'm the one with the rose colored glasses?<P>Good for you Holly, and don't feel bad about how he is gonna take it.... <P>He's not worth the worry!<BR>

Beautiful Holly! I wish I could hug you. Can you write one for my OM, it's unbelievable. <P>I can't wait until I get to your point.

Holly: <BR>I know how you feel. However, I don't think the OM did what he did on his own. You see I've been one of those OM. Not once, not twice, not even three times. I got caught up in being "in love" and I always wanted to do the "right" thing for the OW. It seems the OW always has no many unfulfilled needs or she wouldn't put up with being the OW. Yes I may have been selfishly looking for my own satisfaction, but most of it wasn't about sex, it was just about having someone to care for, to do for, to be there for. I wanted to be all things to all those OWs. They helped me do that a lot. They nurtured me, and cared for me. They told me they knew we couldn't have it all, but that was alright they understood. They said that a little love was better than no love at all and that the price to pay wasn't that high when you consider the "feelings" we shared. <P>Then, in time, things would change. They knew I wasn't going to leave my wife, they knew that no matter how much I complained about her and her lack of desire for me, I would still keep going back home. They knew that my kid's school activities would interfere with our rendezvous', they knew that our family vacations would leave them lonely for weeks at a time. They were lucky if I was able to drop by for an early morning quickie, or a nooner, or a stand-up just inside the front door. But do you know that they never told me to get lost, or to go home to my wife, or to decide between them and her. They just took it because they were right, a little love is better than no love at all, even when the ending is hard and miserable. All I ever wanted to do was make them happy, even for a little while.<P>I'm sorry for me and for them, as I am for you because it seems that none of us understands enough about human relationships to be able to find happiness with our own spouses. What do we have to do to make our spouses understand what our needs are? Why do we have to set aside what we want in order to give them what they want? We don't communicate. A friend of mine once said that his spouse's famous line was "If I have to ask.." like she expected him to be a mind reader or clairevoyent. <P>Bottom line, I'm sorry for you and what you have been through. I'm sorry for what I have done and what has been done to me. Is there an answer? Is there a remedy that will take away the pain and still satisfy the need?<P>If you come up with something, let me know.<P>Thanks,<P>Flip<P>

Flip--<P>You said your OWs never told you to choose between them or your wife...so how and why did these affairs end?<P>I, like you, am in love with being in love...but I'd never want to go through the torture of having an affair again, I'd rather choose not to fall in love again for the rest of my life.

I hope your husband doesn't have the misfortune of having to read that letter. My wife wrote one very similiar to yours. There is no remorse for the pain you caused your husband, only remorse for not ending up with the OM. I hope that's not what you are sorry about. Your husband will probably feel the same way I do, as a consolation prize....

HadBetterDays--<P>You're right, my letter did not explain the remorse I felt for hurting my husband...maybe I should have stated that in the letter to the OM. However, I have written letters to my husband about how sorry I was for hurting him.<P>I don't know your story but don't consider yourself a consolation prize.

My wife refused to let on to the OM that she really loved me and that I wasn’t the terrible person she made me out to be. All she could do was ask him why he didn’t want her. She refused to say anything positive about me to him. I ended up confronting him to make sure he knew the truth about our relationship and family. You would have to follow my story to know that my W had told him we were divorced, really not married, her children weren’t mine, a lot of things to try and persuade the OM to be with her. So now she’s back with me and I can’t help but wonder what would have happened if he would have responded the way she wanted. Just tell your husband that you are sorry again, hopefully you’ll never have to know how much those 2 little words can mean to a person.

Holly:<P>"Being in love with love is living in make believe" That's how the song begins and that's what we all eventually see. It is just make believe. <P>I happen to love my wife (28 years) and I am very much "in love" with her. But after a while I start feeling sorry for myself, that I'm not getting all of my needs met, etc. and before you know it, someone is right there to help me through the night.<P>Loving "love" is great but it's not nearly as lasting as loving a person. I love the feeling of getting those pats on the head from the OW. Who can resist it when you are told you are smart, handsome, generous, and have a great sense of humor. Not to mention you're one great **** in bed. Then you realize there has to be more to it than that and soon even the best of the best loses its glow and glitter. <P>My misfortune is that I have been too easy. I have found that I not only can be manipulated by women, I "want" to be manipulated by women. I have found that women "are" in control. They deny it all the time, but the undeniable truth is that they are. They tell you when you can get on and when you should get off and when you can go and when you can come back. They tell you "Oh! Honey, not tonight I have a headache" but don't you dare say "Oh honey no paycheck this week, I had a headache".<P>I can find all sorts of nasty terrible things to say about women. I can also find all sorts of glorious and wonderful things to say about them too. That's because they, like men, are a little of each. <P>You seem to be a little of each. You want something but you don't want it. You want your husband but you miss the other guy. You're husband sounds like a real jerk, but the other guy is no great jewel that is only your perception at this time. I'm sure he wasn't always that way. <P>Anyway, I finally realized that I can't keep falling in love with love, I just don't know how to keep myself from doing it again. After all, it is difficult to give up on something that feels good most of the time. If anyone has suggestions, I sure could use them.<P>I've been reading a lot of Marriage Builder material and I only need to get my wife to understand that "our" needs have to be addressed in a positive manner. She, like some others here have alluded too, is not interested in meeting "my" needs. She is only interested in meeting the needs that "she" thinks I should have. So we know where that leads us don't we?<P>I will appreciate any and all insight.<P>Thanks<P>Flip<P>

I agree totally with HadBetterDays. The letter does sound like you don't want him and you both screwed things up, but I think you should write one more letter.<P>Should not be very long (maybe 1/2 page) and include the following.<P>1 What you both did was wrong and it should never have happened.<P>2 It was not fair to your Husband and now you have to help him deal with his pain and you are going to repair the damage & the relationship.<P>3 You realize you do love your husband & understand it is where you want to be & where you should be.<P>4 Tell him there will be NO CONTACT between either of you.<P>Don't tell him your sorry. Don't tell him, "if only". You want to leave NO DOUOBT in his mind that it is over. He doesn't deserve anything from you. You don't need to care for his feelings. Your care should be for your Husband.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A> <BR>

SEEK AND YOU SHALL FIND<P>AUTHENTIC LOVE<P>I am so PROUD of YOU HOLLY <P><BR>Peace and Awareness

Flipper--<BR>Maybe you should post a thread about falling in love with love...I'd like some insight myself.