Since my W left me in June, she has been visiting the house every 1 - 2 weeks to pick up her mail and pick up things that she "needs". Last week, her visit included cleaning out all her remaining clothes...the house looked like it had been burgalarized. When I came home that evening, I felt so violated - and so desparately alone.<P>Conveying these feelings to trusted co-workers and on this forum, I was given the suggestion to change the locks. The rationale being, "well, you don't have access to where she's living (hell, I don't even know WHERE she's living), why should she have access to where you're living"? Besides, she gave up the right to enter the house ince she started shacking up with OM.<P>Well, I didn't want to go through the hassle and expense of changing locks (it's really expensive). On the other hand, I do hate it when she feels like she can barge in any time she wants seriously disturbing what little is left of my peace of mind.<P>Last night, I thought of a solution that effectively keeps her out of the house, but doesn't add any expense...I installed the locking mechanism on the storm door (it's a strong one). Now she can't get in the house on her own. I decided that I will collect her mail and put it in a grocery sack and just leave the grocery sack out on the front porch. That way, she still can get her mail anytime she wants, but I won't have to feel so violated.<P>Is this a lovebuster? I just can't stand that she holds all the cards right now.

I think that is a good compromise. Go for it.

It might be considered a lovebuster to her...but what about your needs?

Hi,<P>Just a thought, but you might want to re-direct your wife's mail to her brother's address, or get a PO box for her and have the mail sent there (pay for the 1st month, mail the key to her brother with a note of explanation). Then she cannot accuse you of leaving her mail out where it could be stolen, and she may even appreciate your very considerate behaviour regarding your respect for her privacy and mail.<P>You may wish to send your wife a letter expressing your need for privacy as well. If you are not allowed to visit where she's staying and aren't even allowed to know where she's staying, she has no right to invade your privacy. It is very inconsiderate of her to do so and you should ask her to (a) phone before coming over (to inform you of her intended visit and to make sure you are there and not come over if you are not at home), and (b) not remove anything from the house that is not her own personal possession (like clothing & cosmetics). Otherwise you may come home one night to find everything gone, and she can honestly claim that you never said she could't do anything like that.<P>It is only fair that she respect your privacy and property as much as you have shown that you respect hers.<P>JM2CW

Hi Shattered<P>This is good. You need to start doing things that make you feel good. This is all part of treating yourself with respect. There is no "DOORMAT" label on your forehead.<P>Take Care<P>PS. Little things like this will help you feel productive. Your W may at first see this as a lovebuster but she will also see that that she has taken all she can from you and will no longer look to you as a resource. This will force your W to see you as a Man who will go on in life and enjoy life whether she is in it or not.<BR>

Elixer/Toronto/HBD/Holly - thanks for the responses.<P>Elixer - I had written my W a Plan B letter when she left firmly requesting that we not see each other until the affair is over (a la Harley in SAA). For all intents and purposes, she had largely ignored that. She comes over without calling and if I'm there doesn't give a sh*t about my feelings.<P>I thought about re-directing her mail to her brother's house. However, there is a purpose to why I don't. My W has been spending $$ like crazy since she left. Since I may be liable for her bills if we divorce (sucky MN no fault law), I want to know what she is doing. In addition, she has been getting letters from credit agencies for unpaid bills. She hasn't paid her new car payment in two months. Perhaps a repossessed car or some bill collectors showing up might be the thing to bring her back to earth. I just want to keep my eye on this aspect that's all, and collecting her mail allows me to do that. (I NEVER open her mail, I only look at it using a strong light from behind!)<P>Also, I figure if she doesn't want to change her address, why should I? Right now, I'm not thinking that I want to bend over backwards for her. She has sh*t on me enough.<P>Toronto - thanks for your uplifting message too. I really took what you said yesterday to heart. I WILL start to do things that make me feel better. I won't go so far as to lovebust, but I refuse to be a doormat.<p>[This message has been edited by Shattered1 (edited September 24, 1999).]

Shattered1, <BR>I too changed the agrage door open code, but didn't change the locks as I was too cheap.My w threw a fit. She too used to come and go as she wished to see the kids and basically would ignore me. Her arguement was that her name was on the house too and that it was illegal. It isn't illegal, but she could do what ever she wanted to get in as it is part hers. Is your w's name on the mortgage? I explained to her, I couldn't come and go at her place even since she had used our money to lease it. I also told her that since she had chosen to go it, while it maybe partially her house, it was me and the kids home and I chose to secure it.<BR>I don't know if that helped any but it made me feel better.

Shattered - It sounds to me like you're really past the stage of worrying about lovebusters. Doesn't Dr. H's scheme go something like this? If a spouse moves out to live with the OP, then it's time for Plan B? Sounds to me like you're at this stage. BTW, I think you did the right thing by shutting her out and that your reasons for doing so are good ones. Also, do you have a formal, legal separation agreement? In my state, this is required prior to divorce. You have to have a legal separation agreement first and then live by its terms for 6 mos. before you can be granted a divorce. It could be part of the separation agreement that she doesn't have free access to your house. Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex