I'm new to this board. Came here to fix the mess that I made for myself. It's a simple story, really, I cheated with my husbands friend. I've been reading some of the posts and it seems that this has happened to quite a few here. And it seems that it's those people - the ones betrayed by friends- that are having the hardest time. I don't know if this will help or not. My husband was better friends with the OM than I was with the wife, but she and I did talk and do things together quite often. I DID consider her a friend. When the affair started, a very strange thing happend. It was as if, I seperated the two relationships. Someone wrote something about compartmentalizing things. That is the way it worked for me. I had a great deal of guilt over what I was doing, but I never associated her-my friend, as her-his wife. Sounds screwy doesn't it? I'm amazed at the way a persons mind will work when they are doing something they're not supposed to do. A lot of you have written about your situation and describe the OW as your "friend" ( you can just feel the hatred ooze off of those words) or "supposed friend", I just want to tell you that while it's a dirty thing to do to someone, especially a friend, that doesn't mean that your friend was playing you the whole time. It's a very mixed up thing. And it's vert likely that your friend sincerely didn't want to hurt you. That's the way it was for me, anyway. I'm sure that I'm going to take some hits for this one, I've seen how some of you react when you disagree with what's been written, or if you feel that a "betrayer" has gotten too bold, but I'm trying to make ammends for what I have done, somehow. And maybe if I can make something a little more clear for someone that's in pain, than that would be one small good thing to come out of this mess. I ended the affair with my friends husband, out of guilt, and out of fairness to her. I know that if I wouldn't have, we'd have both left our spouses by now. But we knew it was wrong and agreed to recommit to our own marriages. That has been the hardest thing to do. I still love him. I see him once in a while, (not SEE him, but catch sight of him across the street or something like that) We never speak, but it is so hard to walk away from each other. If I didn't think of her as friend, I'd have never let him go. It never should have started, but the fact is that it did. Yes it was a HUGE mistake. It is only because I considered her a friend that I backed away. She has told me that I was only using her to get to him, that I "pumped" her for information about him. It wasn't like that and that isn't true. I didn't need information from her, I got it from him. She would confide in me about thier problems. I felt very awkward when that happend, but what could I say? She isn't a very socailly skilled person and had no other friends, and I wasn't about to say, "I'm sorry, but I'm sleeping with your husband,so would you not talk to me about this?". Did I feel rotten, yes. I still do. I never wanted to hurt her, I never wanted the affair to happen. I have apologized to her, and understandably, she will not accept it. Sorry really doesn't quite seem appropriate in this situation anyway. I just want all of you that have been betrayed by friends to try to get some comfort out of this. I'm sure that you must feel that everyone has lied to you, and that they never really cared about you in the first place. That may not be true. It's a lot for me to ask you to see this from the betrayers side, but maybe if you are able to do that, then the hate and anger that you feel will subside just a bit, and you will feel peace. No one deserves a friend like me, a friend that will come between you and your husband, but it wasn't really like that in my mind. Wrong as I was, and I see it now, it just wasn't that way to me. I really cared about her as a friend. I wasn't using her, and I wasn't out to do her harm, even though I did. I will always regret what happend.

Hi Trimmi<P>You are on your way to a better life and I know it takes courage to post here. Actions do speak louder than words and I hope things work out for you. <P>Read as much as possible here and apply everything you learn. Being a betrayed person myself all I can say is that it is impossible to put into words the amount of pain I felt upon discovery of W affair.<P>Your H will feel like a loser for staying, he will question his "man hood" and self respect. Your H will constantly question his trust for you until he is healed. He may also consider a revenge affair so it is important to make him feel desired and loved. Do your H a favour and call him during the day with your where abouts before he feels the need to ask. Answer all his questions regarding the affair as his mind will make it out larger than what really happened. Your H will also need to understand your needs as well, so figure what you need and understand why you cheated. <P>Make hime feel that he did not make a mistake by marrying you.<P>Take Care

Hi Trimmi, I was one on the one's here that was betrayed by a friend. Sometimes I think there is something really wrong with me because I don't hate her. I actually miss her. I get very angry at my H at times for ruining our friendship!

Trimmi-<P>I find your post very interesting. Yep-I was betrayed not only by my H but by my "best friend" too. It hurts like hell. I am having a worse time trying to get over her betrayal than my H's. Maybe that is because my H is here with me-he wants to make our lives whole again. But there is no way in hell I could or would ever forgive her for what she did to me. She did use me for information-she knew what shifts he was working from talking with me and she knew places where she could meet up with him because of her and my conversations. The thing that makes me the maddest is that she has lied-at least about two things that are fairly important matters. She also told her H lies when her guilt consumed her and therefore he told another person the lie when he had to in order to stop the other friend from contacting my H about something he was to help them with. It is a vicious circle-and yes I know it takes two. My biggest ***** is-why can't she admit it took two? She has gone only so far as saying yes she had an affair but..it was him who did this or him who did that. She was as much guily as my H was-and I truly believe she was more guily beings she initiated the whole damn affair by asking my H to kiss her right after she left my house on my 40th birthday. Go figure. I would love to believe that you don't think of it as hurting her or whatever but between the two families involved here there are 7 kids. Their affair lasted for 2 years off and on. Now please tell me what normal person can lead two different lives for that long-without a slip up or a guilt trip? I can't imagine. If the OW knew what she did to me I would hope it would blow her away. It isn't my self esteem-I will always be a better person than her. But did it crush me? Did it ruin what I thought was a great marriage? Have I wanted to die in order to get away from the daily pain of thinking of her with my H? Hell yes. I told my H yesterday that I know I am going to die from this. I have willed it on myself. I know-thats a whole nother problem-and one I brought upon myself. I admit to it-I don't care. I only wish that every betrayer could feel what the betrayed feels. I ahve been told I am dwelling-I won't let go. Do I just assume that becasue he tells me it won't ever happen again that it won't? I don't think so. I loved this man with all my heart-he was my heart. And because she wasn't happy and content with her H (I guess) she had to take mine. I see it as pure selfishness and greed. I think had it been someone who knew nothing about my H but had a liking for him I would accept it much better. But this gal and I babysat each others kids, we traveled on vacations together, we went to concerts together, we camped together..........The list goes on and on. I have to believe that what goes around comes around-and I sure hope I get to see it hit her full force in the backside.<P>I am sorry for my anger-I can't help it. I am going on 16 weeks of knowing now and it only gets worse for me.<P>Does friendship mean anything to anyone but me? I love my friends-I don't use them. And even if we weren't friends I am not so sure I could screw a married man without any guilt.<P>*heartache*

Heartache,<BR>It was good for me to read your reply. I can't speak for your friend, I can't possibly know what she was thinking, all I can tell you is from my point of view. It has been hard for me to admit that I was just as involved in this affair as he was. Probably because I broke off the relationship at least 10 times. Everytime, her H would show up at my house, at work, at school when I'd pick up my kids, he'd call me until he broke me down, and beg me to see him. He said all the right things. I really believe that if he'd have just let me alone the first time I asked him to, and if he'd have let me go through those "withdrawals" there wouldn't have been the affair. ( I really did try to end this before it got out of hand) But reading your post has gotten me to think about it, and made me realize that I could have said no. I just didn't really want to. <P>You say, "what normal person can live two lives for that long without a slip up or guilt trip". You can't know what kind of guilt there is. It eats at you day and night. I couldn't sleep, I was always nervous and had a knot in my stomach for over a year. It was the worst hell I've ever been through. To me, looking back , I really believe that I was insane. Certainly NOT a normal person. <BR>And I don't think that you need to apologize for your anger. In fact, I have no idea who you are, but I feel like I want to apologize to YOU... Like I'm a member of some hideous club that commits hate crimes or something, and now I just feel guilty for my actions. I know that we are all responsible for what we choose to do, but I think that anyone that participates in an affair is so deceived. I know that I was not seeing things in the scope of reality. I can't believe the things that I thought. They were all so unrealistic. <P>So to you Heartache, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you are going through this. It isn't fair. It isn't right. <P>And to Toronto, thank you for showing me a betrayed H's point of view. I plan on taking your advice. I can't believe how gracious my H has been through all of this. <P>

Hi Trimmi,<P>Here's my welcome to our group added on. I hope you find being here as helpful as many of us have.<P>You do pose some good questions. And, thanks for being brave enough to do so. Further, I think the second sentence of your post speaks volumes. You're here to do what you can to make things better. In my experience, that's a very essential first step: taking responsibility for actions and ownership of one's betrayal.<P>Your situation will be a very hard one to make right. Betrayal by a friend is sort of the ultimate disappointment. It's one of those cases where the impact is compounded. Somehow it seems like being betrayed by two people close to you is like losing everyone. It makes one question whether to trust anyone ever again. There's no safe haven. So, while I believe you're taking good first steps towards patching up, please be patient. You'll need lots of it.<P>Also, another question since I don't know your story: do you understand the reasons and circumstances behind why your affair took place? Does your husband? Does your friend? It's also been my experience that in order to move forward and forgive, each of us has to understand and accept why things happened. Then we can begin to work towards making the relationship better.<P>Good luck.

Do I understand the reasons and circumstances as to why the affair took place? Hmm. Good question. I'm a little afraid to go there, since I don't want to justify my behaviour in any way, but yes, I've thought about it, and my H and I have spoken of it at times. It's intersting because my H is one of those guys that treats me like gold. He's beautiful inside and out, just never available to me. Works constantly. But there are many lonely people out there that don't cheat. And the funny thing is, I was not attracted to OM at first. I think that's why, when he started to flirt with me, I really thought it was all under control. A little extra attention was very nice. And maybe there was a little competition going on between the W and myself. When we first became friends, she flirted with my H terribly. He had no interest in her,would ignore her and she finaly quit. So when her H showed interst in me, (I'm embarrassed to admit this,) it was like "payback". She was always so ugly to him. She would belittle him in front of everyone. Tell people - while he sat there- how stupid he was (which he isn't) called him degrading names. One time at a party that we hosted, she got mad at him and yelled at him to "be a man for once". He was humiliated and we were all embarrassed. He never ever said anything negative about her to me, but it was so hard for me to listen to her talk bad about him, and I think that contributed to his and my friendship. We each needed something from the other. He needed admiration and I needed attention. (not reasons to cheat, I know. Bear with me- that's not what I'm saying) My H says that I have a soft spot for the underdog. And he feels that was some of the reason that I fell for OM. It was just a very bad time, and I was vulnerable and really stupid. And it was selfish. I know that. OM is trying to make a go of it with the W. I think that she has learned to appreciate what she has. My H and I are doing very well. He still works too much, I'm trying to accept that, and find ways to keep busy. I know that we will work through this. I know that he loves me and I'm grateful for that. I hope that this post isn't misunderstood, I'm not saying that the affair was his W's fault or my H's fault, The blame is all our's, I know that. But I suppose there were circustances that brought each of us to the point that we did cheat. Hopefully we have all learned from those.

Hi again,<P>I read your post this morning and just got done reading it again. I need to apologize again-this time for not welcoming you to MB. I was upset when I read your post-it could have been my H's OW talking-well almost. I also want to say that I am glad people like you come here and post. I have a need to read everything, to learn what I can, to try and understand how affairs happen. I thought I had the world by the tail. I always told myself that as long as I had my H everything in this world would work out for us-one way or another. I didn't ever think he would have an affair and I never thought my friend would cheat with my H. She too has an excellent H-who works his hind end off for her and loves her with all his heart. Neither of them seemed the type to cheat with anybody-and never did her H or myself think they would cheat with each other. I hurt so much. I miss her friendship. As I am sure you know there is soemthing gals can do for eachother that no matter how much in love we might be with our H or SO they just can't fill the gap like a true friend can. But after what my friend did to me I don't ever want any more friends. I can live without trying to trust not only my H but a friend as well. I guess what I am saying is it takes too much effort to have to work at trust. It ought to be a natural thing. As much as I want to understand how betrayers do what they do I know for a fact that I DO NOT want to find out first hand. I can't imagine the feelings after the affair is exposed. But anyhow-let me welcome you to MB. It is a geat place where we not only get help from perfect strangers but we can heal by helping others heal. If it weren't for MB I don't know how I would be even trying to make it. WE haven't told but a ew people what happened so it is like I am living a double life too. I ahve to pretend everything is ok-I ahve to make up excuses for why I don't speak with the OW any more. My kids ask me why we don't visit them..........the list goes on. I hate lies, I hate pain and most of all I hate that my friend chose to sleep with my H instead of keeping her butt in her bed with her H where it belonged. I am so angry that my H didn't have the nerve or desire to tell her NO when she asked him to kiss her the first time. Maybe nothing would have happened ever if he had been the man I thought he was. I guess it goes to show we don't ever really know anyone :-(<P>Please continue to help others here by posting your feelings and thoughts. I for one will be reading them!!<P>*heartache*