This past Saturday my H informed me that about 3 months ago he got really drunk at a poker game and ended up sleeping with a girl he didn't know. He can not remember anything about the incident, because he said he drank too much. To top things off the one night stand girl has claimed to be pregnant with his child. I have also learned this he has talked to her on the phone and emailed her after the incident.
My husband and I would have been married for 4 year this August. We do not have children yet. (Lucky for us we decided to wait.)
Our marriage has had its ups and downs. We were married very young, I was 18 and he was 22. So we have gone through both of us going to school full-time and working full-time, until this past November when I graduated. He has also been there for me when my arthritis flared. I have a job that I love, my arthritis is mostly in remission, and I thought I had a husband that would never hurt me. (Guess I was wrong.)
I know that he is hurting also and he claims that he wishes he could change things. He would like too see our marriage last, but he is leaving that decision up to me.
I have kicked him out, telling him that I need time to think without him around. I do love my H still. I would give anything to make things go back to the way that they were. (Before his cheating, we were finally to the point in our marriage that I thought we had found true happiness.)
I have called and scheduled a marriage counseling session for us for this week. I believe that I could forgive him over time for the cheating, but I don't think that I could handle dealing with or thinking that there is a child out there that is not mine, but is his. (Unfortunately, he can not get a straight answer from the one night stand as to whether she truely is pregnant or if she just said she was to make him come clean with me.)
I really want to try and make this work, but I don't think that I can wait 6-7 more months to know if she really is pregnant and whether the child is truely his. What should I do, I feel completely lost?
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I'm sorry you have to go through this. I myself have been dealing with the same thing. At least your H was drunk, mine was fully aware of what he was doing and wanted the whole thing to happen. Now the OW is pregnant and I've reached my decision that it just isn't going to work. We have been seeing a MC for a few weeks now and for the first time, tomorrow actually, I'm going to sit in our session and tell both of them that I no longer want to be in this M. I think I could have gotten over the A in time too, but you're right, knowing that he has a child with another woman, while we are still together, I just can't handle that. However, your H might actully want to save your M. I know mine isn't really interested in keeping things together. If he was, he wouldn't keep doing the things he does to hurt me. We will have been married 11 years in October and we have a six year old son together. Even his family can't believe I've held out as long as I have. I do need to make a correction to my other postings: She's Expecting.....I had said that my mother in law was planning on going to the baby shower of the OW....well she told me today that she could never do that to me. Even though it is another grandchild for her, she would rather not be involved than hurt me any more than her son has already hurt me.

I do recommend that you at least try the counseling. Then you can say you did everything you could to save your M. Even though I've had six months of suffering, I can say that I tried to save us. It was him who didn't want to try.

No one can say what is right for you. Writing on these message boards has taught me that. You need to make the decisions that are best for you and don't let anyone influence you in any way. You know what is best for you, deep down in your heart and soul you do know what to do, it just takes lots of time. Believe me. Lots and Lots.

I wish you the best of luck. I wish you peace of mind.

Diane

[color:"purple"]The FIRST thing you should do is BREATH!

The marraige counseling is a great step.

May I suggest that you not even give this 'baby' another thought UNTIL it has been born, dna testing is done & postive paternity results have been reported to the courts.

THAT is the ONLY way to deal w/ these matters.

H should have absolutely NO contact w/ this 'girl' EVER again for any reason except for paternity testing.

Right now....think about YOU & what YOU want & focus on that.

If rebuilding your marriage is what YOU want---then go for it. I will be the first to tell you that it CAN be done.

THere are plenty around here who can tell you the same thing.

IF it turns out that 'baby' is your H THEN there will be choices & decisions to make...........right on the current state of your marriage & waht you want to do about it. kwim?

Stay strong.

YOu will be ok
YOu WILL survive

ALSO, it is good to get a good support network for yourself IRL. People who will support your marriage & your decisions about it.

Try to eat right & get some fresh air every day. Even if it is only a walk around the block. The excercise will help to keep your mind clear.

Take this time to go easy on yourself & pamper yourself.

Oh & 1 more thing...buckle up because it's gonna be quite a roller coaster RIDE!

xoxoxoxoxoxxoxo
kt [/color]

Shell,

Sorry you find yourself here, but there are many people that have dealt with or are dealing with similar situations that will be able to help you! I agree with KT in regards to your H having NO CONTACT with the OW until the baby is born. My H had contact with OW because he said he felt he needed to do the right thing for the OC, but I realize now that it didn't matter because the OC wasn't going to know the difference. My H never went to appts but told her she was able to call if she really needed something. Well, that opened the FLOOD gates and she felt she could call all the time, and especially our HOME phone. So tell him if he is contacting her because of the OC, it needs to stop. He does not know if the OC is his and hey, lets face it, she slept with a married man (lacks good judgement right there) so who is to say she is not trying to pull a nice game?
Lay down the law with your H. If he wants the marriage to work, then for the next 6-7 months it needs to be able YOU and HIM, not HIM, OW and OC. It will be a rollercoaster. You will have your good days where you look at him and think, man I love you. Then you will have those days where you wish you could just knock his block off. Its emotionally trying but you just need to be strong! Don't let him call the shots, you need to. What he did was break something very special and it takes quite awhile to earn that back, if it is ever earned back fully. Never hesitate to ask any questions here because we are all willing to help! Take care!

Megan

Shell,

I would suggest you forget about whether or not this child is his. Work on your marriage w/counseling and willingness and see where it takes you, THEN you can figure out whether you can do the rest, if it's his. It's much easier to deal with an OC if your relationship is solid. Don't guess about what you can or can't handle as that's not here yet, just work on what's in front of you right now.

Also, there is no need for him to have C with OW. In my situation there was no threat of the two of them rekindling their romance as it was very casual, ended before knowledge of pregnancy and neither of them "wanted" the other. So C was very limited and in front of me. The OW at one point said "I wasn't sure if you wanted anything to do with this child". I assumed that was because of his limited involvement, but I reminded her that he is married and that it's not possible for him to repair his marriage and continue any kind of relationship with her. I think she understood. That is the way it has to be. Good Luck and don't give up yet. You never know how strong you are until put to the test and your emotions are in charge right now, not your head. Give it time, don't give up yet.