dani file the charges....he needs to experience the full repercussions for what he has done....he's acting like a drug addict stealing to score his next high.....this is wrong....he's not thinking about anyone but himself....protect the kids and file charges.....if he goes to jail it's his own fault....it will give him lots of time to sober up and realize what he's done.....and if he gets 8 years....I doubt OW will wait around....she doesn't seem to be the type....kill 2 birds with one stone.

Danielle,

You have so many Good Good GOOD people trying to help you. What PLAN are you in?

I have to agree with lemonman. He rocks. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> He is giving you some TOUGH LOVE right now. You are 100% responsible for what is happening right now.

We ALL know that you love your H. It has been almost a year this has been going on. WHEN are you going to realise that you are ENABLING him to continue?

Your H is NOT your H. He is a WS. You Keep treating him like the old H you knew whenever there might be a remote chance of him getting back with you.

Your H needs to hit rock bottom before he even gets it. STOP helping him to have this affair. Please stop the insanity of this situation.

The last time he got back with you, for a whole of 5 minutes, he stole from you, to the tune of $1300.00, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> and I know I don't have that kind of money just laying around. I don't know what your financial situation is, with being a SAHM and now a student, but it has to hurt.

Stop this. Go dark. You HAVE to protect yourself and kids. I don't know how your WS got your phone #, but it is an internet ? away to find where you live. Not good. I pray this is a cell phone #.

Anyhoo, prayers and more prayers for you.

Sorry to be so harsh, but I am. Cause I care. You have so many good and wise people, all saying the same thing Dani, wake up. WAKE UP.

Go dark, get the RO against WS. Press charges, don't let the inlaws know what is up. Let your WS have a consequenses <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> for his actions. Don't help anymore. PLEASE. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Do what is healthiest for your children, you and Marriage, It is not healthy for you to enable your WS to continue on this path.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

ps. stick a fork in me I am done. We are all so worried about you Danielle. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Dani,

He will say he will never come back. As a WS he should be allowed back. As your H, he would never want to come back as nothing less than a real H and father.

So if he says he isn't coming back, you have nothing to lose. That statement will id him as a WS one who you don't want anyway.

See how you can see through his babble and keep yourself from being hurt? It is hilarious that he can make those statements from the police station and maybe within ear shot of the officers. Wonder if they were busting up at the seams like I did when I read his responses to you. What a nut.

Sorry for calling you WS a filament (sp??) but he is a nutcase, hard shell an' all. LOL!!!

Don't get sucked into his drama. BTW, give me the # and I will call the OW. LOL!!! U have that option also. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

L.

Oh Dani...

This is so messed up. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I know I'm not one of your regular posters, but I want you to know that I've been reading consistently and you and your family are always in my prayers.

I think that because you contacted the bank and police that you do not have to worry about your H paying you back. Unless things are different over there, the BANK should be paying you back, and then pursuing your H for the stolen money.

By forging your sig, your H has stolen money from the bank, not from you.

Take care and God bless,

John

Dani-
I do want to point out that YOU are NOT responsible for his choosing to swipe your private checkbook. You are not responsible for him writing fraudulant checks.

HE is responsible for becoming a criminal. That's right- a CRIMINAL. He has so little respect for you and your children that he feels entitled to the money meant to house and feed your family.

YOU did NOT cause this to happen. I want that to be clear.

What you ARE responsible for is for allowing the continued drama in you and your children's lives. You ARE responsible for his disrespect- and I'm saying this with as much sisterly love as possible- because you've continued to teach him that your word means nothing. You've allowed yourself to be manipulated by 'love.'

His actions are criminal and HOSTILE to you and your kids. Right now, your H is but a memory-- this man is out to siphon off as much blood and tears as he can get out of you before tossing you away again. He has no love for you, Dani, mark my words. To him you are dispensible. He plays you like a fiddle. How much respect would you have for a dog that keeps coming back after you kick the sh*t out of it? That's how he sees you, Dani. He's spitting on your memories of him and laughing all the way-- until he gets caught. Then he gets both angry and pleading with you, because he knows it works. He knows you will get intimidated and scared that YOU will lose HIM. He doesn't care if he loses you at all, Dani, because you've NEVER REALLY left him.

Honestly, my hope for you is that you will divorce him, even if it feels like it will kill you. Because right now, you are allowing him to slowly kill your spirit and your future. Your H is dead, Dani. Your old marriage is dead. Its gone. Put it to rest. In no way do I hope you can reconcile with him- sorry, just my opinion. What I do hope is that you can believe in yourself and YOUR future enough to move forward instead of spinning your wheels and constantly looking over your shoulder blaming yourself for everything.

You have so much going for you. Why don't you see it? Because one deranged man doesn't? Gather your support network and defend yourself from this point on. This has gone on long enough!

Thank you for all of the replies. I do understand that the harshness is not meant in a bad or demeaning way. It may be hard to read, and harder to accept, but I do appreciate your honesty. That metaphor was right on....exactly my situation. Thank you. I know what I need to do as far as legally, no matter how hard emotionally it is to do it.
The OW called one of our mutual friends last night asking where WH was. She then claimed that I was following her around, and got on her tail and when she pulled over to let me by, I stopped behind her and then speed by. Now, even my friend knew it was a lie, because I am HOME, which is over an hour from where she lives. He told the OW that my WH was in jail, and of course, she is mad at.............me. The women is nutz.... Orchid, you can call her if you would like, she might give you a good laugh. LOL!
WH supposedly has $400 in his wallet, which is in his bag of belongings at the jail. I spoke with the officers who suggested that when my WH calls today, to accept the call and ask if he would release his wallet to me. He already asked them to tell me that I can pick up the Blazer at the police station, that the keys were in it. WH told me that he will protect the kids and I no matter what happens (I have to laugh inside). He said that if he stays with the OW he and she will leave when the jail thing is over, and they will go far away. If he doesn't stay with her, she will leave anyway. Then he made the comment 'help me help myself' in a very quiet tearful kind of way. Said he was depressed and has made so many mistakes and he is sorry, he really 'f'ed up this time'.....that his life is over, his life is [censored] now, first his g/f put him in jail, now his wife. I said 'Adam, what did you really expect me to do? You ran up 1300 on my account fraudulently?' He said 'Well I knew you would be mad, and it would catch up with me....I just didn't know you would do this to me. I can't be in jail'
This man has learned how to push my sympathy buttons now hasn't he? He talked to the DA (district attorney) about his upcoming criminal case with the OW. He told me that the DA said that in order to be found not guilty he would have to fight hard against the OW, and she would ultimately become his enemy. WH said to me 'why didn't you tell me that. Now I hate her" WTF? I DID TELL YOU THAT!!!
Let me be very honest, even though I am sure no one understands my pov. It is heartbreaking, and very emotionally troubling to have my WH in jail...knowing that I initiated the police action. I know it was his choice to commit the crime. However, just the fact that I do love him, I did marry him, I do care about him, it is very very very hard to let him sit there....
I keep telling him that I am wanted to help him, but you can't help the unwilling...
I have a 30 minute consult with a lawyer tomorrow, and then he goes in front of the judge tomorrow to see about getting a bail set.

P.S. He has my home number from a while back. (You might remember that the phone company gave it out even after I requested it be private). He can not obtain my address from my number, even on goggle.

I feel that what you're not seeing, Dani, is that your brand of helping him is not helping him at all...and is hurting your and your kids tremendously.

Of course we all understand the dilemma and your feelings! Who wants to see the father of their children in jail? What little girl sat baking in her Easy Bake oven thinking that the ideal situation was to be rescuing her husband at every turn?

If you really want to help your husband, you'd allow him to face the consequences of his actions. If you really want to help him help himself (*that*, by the way, was the perfect thing for your husband to say to you to play your heartstrings, wasn't it?)...you'll follow through with prosecution and let the chips fall where they may. He is being utterly manipulative towards you.

This is not just hurting you..it's hurting your kids and family too. Don't get sucked in, Dani--just don't.

aislin,
Yes, he said the 'perfect' thing in the 'perfect' tone....
See....I would do anything to help him...BUT right now helping him means putting my family and my best interest in jeopardy. That I can't do. I can help him if it is in MY best interest, but in order for that to happen, he would have to actually want help, in the long run. Right now he just wants help to get out of jail, so he can continue his destructive path...

Not interested in that type of help.

Dani,

Let OW take care of it all. He chose her, so he can lean on her. She can make bail, she can reimburse you for the checks written. Let her save him.

Dobie

The definition of help is not necessarily ---> do this thing FOR someone else ... It CAN be this IF the person is disabled, or something.

Sometimes "helping" is destructive because it BLOCKS the person about to fail from the experience that will teach them what NOT to do <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

When you choose to help a "bad guy" escape justice/consequences , you are teaching him that being a "bad guy" has no consequences.

Do you really want to "do anything to help him" ... even if he then does not learn from his mistakes. Doesn't he deserve to learn from his mistakes? Would you deny him that most basic life-lesson?

I think not <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Pep is right, it is not "helping" to "help" someone destroy themselves or help them evade the consequences of their actions. If you truly care about him, you will press charges, leave him in jail and force him to face the consequences like a man.

He has some serious criminal tendencies that are destined to only get worse if not nipped in the bud now. Nor do your kids need to be exposed to a criminal, they need to be protected from him.

Dani,

How much damage does he have to do to you and your children before you'll allow him to face the consquences of his actions?

Dobie

Ditto Pep.

Dear Dani ~ not interfering with the consequences of his actions is the most loving thing you can do for him right now.

To interfer with the life lessons he needs to experience, is to withold the possiblity of growth, maturity and recovery.

(((hugs)))

This may not be relevant... my experience is in with the Canadian legal system...

I had called the police to file an assault charge. My ex was arrested and processed. On the court date, in the chambers with my lawyer, I was given the opportunity to back away and let her off the hook.

For similar reasons to the ones you are facing now, it was a difficult decision. In the end, I stuck my ground, she agreed to plead guilty and I was given a say in the 'sentencing' aspect of the case. That is to say, she received a fine and was let free. I fought hard to have the fine reduced to a token amount so that the point could be made (Violence is bad and illegal. Yes, even against me.) but as far as the fine went, I'd rather that money go towards maintaining my son than into the court system.

That one tough decision...

made in about four minutes under tremedous emotional pressure...

...was the first, most important step towards putting an end to about 8 years of very serious abuse.

Obviously your sitch is different, and likely the legal system is very different...

But if you get any ideas, you can always talk to your lawyer.

dewt

Ok...I have called in the oldtimer MB troops for you...sent some tough love and wisdom your way...and I am going to say my peace now and then let you contact me if you want to...you have said over and again you'd email or contact me...Honestly, here comes some truth here DANI> YOU are afraid to contact me b/c the reality of what happened maybe to me or hearing it straight up will not be what you want to hear.

I could just read in your posts how you think ever so little teeny bit your WH is changing from the whining in the jail cell...honestly...the man is facing doing time. And it is HIS FAULT IT IS HIS FAULT IT IS HIS FAULT. How much clearer can this be?

Lemme tell you something girl. My xh broke into my home. He was at that time a Very Very WS. He got online on my computer. Listened to my voice mail...and stole my rolex. but that was never proven by detectives. He was arrested when my neighbor saw him break in...and YET TO THIS DAY, HE BLAMES ME FOR HIS GETTING ARRESTED...what is wrong with that picture dani? What is wrong with it? I did NOTHING> HE DID IT ALL. And he even blames me for the COUNTY putting the restraining order against him. What is wrong with this picture Dani? Do you get it now?

Your seriously enabling nature makes him worse. And he's feeding off of you.

If you want to be his dog to kick around, then so be it. I have not given up on you b/c I am seriously afraid he will do something dangerous to you.

Now UNLESS YOU WISH TO BECOME SOME SORT OF A MB MARTYR, THEN DO SOME INWARD WORK ON YOU...SEE WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR PICTURE...

He's dangerous. He's outta control.

His please for "Help me Help Myself" is the CLASSIC BS$IT USED BY A SERIOUSLY ILL PERSON TRYING TO BLAME THEIR CRIMES ON AN INNOCENT PERSON. You can't help him...but he can help himself get help by checking into a mental ward...and getting on psychoreactive meds...and learning about anger management...and maybe getting sexually help.

Do you want to eat leftovers and slop? That's all he's offering...and very little of that.

I am going to post your earlier quote here: "Let me be very honest, even though I am sure no one understands my pov. It is heartbreaking, and very emotionally troubling to have my WH in jail...knowing that I initiated the police action. I know it was his choice to commit the crime. However, just the fact that I do love him, I did marry him, I do care about him, it is very very very hard to let him sit there....
I keep telling him that I am wanted to help him, but you can't help the unwilling..."

How can you love this man? He is a WS...he's a criminal ok? If your child did these things, wouldn't you want to see them get their karma equivalent? some kinda of punishment? If people are helped and loved thru their destructive actions, they NEVER GET IT. He even said that "my gf had me arrested. now my wife has". What kind of bull is this? He had himself arrested twice for poor conduct and for criminal actions Dani. He is again, NOT owning his actions.

I am getting ready to now say something that I emailed to lemonman about earlier today...it is about WHEN TO SAY WHEN IN A MARRIAGE.

There are alot of people here who need to learn this principle. It is personal, nobody can tell you when it is time to completely move on, it's up to you...but so much enabling is going on around here these days...the WS has to stand accountable for their actions. If a WS could ever be turned around, it would be because they now see their improved BS as a stronger, more independent, no s#it taking individual who is more attractive emotionally b/c they've learned about themselves, their shortcomings, and made positive change in their lives. Nothing imho is more unattractive than somebody taking back a serial cheater time and again. It's like in the movie animal house...when the pledges get the paddle treatment "THANK YOU SIR...MAY I HAVE ANOTHER?" Who wants to repeatedly get whacked in their bum again and again by the same person? It is a series of adultery, appeasement, forgiveness all back to adultery , appeasement, and forgiveness. And somewhere along the way the BS forgets to hold the WS to complete NC and the half-heartedly commits to recovery. If somebody, your partner, isn't willing to walk the walk, just talk the talk then what is there left for you?

I know it's tough. I had to file myself first. But there comes a point of futility. When you need to wake up and see that there could be an easier life for you out there. A life without this stress. A life without having to deal with the threat of a std knocking on your door, having somebody lie to you day in and day out...and somebody actively trying to give you a negative self image.

It is a sad fact of life that people change...see my "star wars" analogy. They do. It is sad. And we are to stand by them and help them as much as we can. Nobody says here to divorce casually after their first strike against them. Nobody does. But there is a point when to say when. When to stay one day longer makes the BS fall over the line into SERIAL ENABLER.

And then there are some who do not know what to do. In a very wierd way I am glad I guess my xh got so bad at the end. It finally got clear to me what was actually written on the wall. For months it seemed, I was frozen in the "Omigod...what do i do now" way of thinking rather than taking actions early...many BS here fall into this trap of thinking.

Basically there needs to be some MB tweaking here...Plan A needs to be a time-specific length. It is NOT for the enabling of the affair of the WS at all. It serves a distinct purpose and that is all. When time is up, you proceed to plan B...a time when you separate yourself from the destructive WS and leave them with a good memory of you...and your family. You as a BS should at this time move ahead, and maybe separate. And again, a plan B should have a definite time frame to it.

How about bs who bounce back and forth time and again between the cycles of a flawed plan A and a not complete plan B? It falls then into imho...more enabling of a WS.

And what about the WS who do NOT respond to any plan A or B? What then? My xh was one of these kinda men. I call these the "HIGHWAY TO HELL" WS types...they are on a direct collision course with life...speeding like a bullet...they will only stop when they violate a serious life situation which has serious consequences such as jail...

Dani, your WH is in that "highway to hell" category my friend.

You may contact me at any time. I have spent many hours of MY time, MY life trying to just be a light to you to show you that you can do it! Being a single mom is hard, but it has its rewards and I am finally whole again after so long. It is a struggle...but the feeling you get when you know you alone accomplished certain goals is unbelievable! I have accomplished MORE now single than I ever did married.

And it's sad. If he had just owned his actions. But we could sit here and play what if for the next fifty years. As for me, life goes on. It's a decent world out there. I choose to make it mine. What do you want to do Dani?

You may contact me anytime. But unless you choose to do that, I am not going to be able to continue to do this...it's hurting me now trying to help this much and seeing that little is being done proactively. Disagree with me if you will...but you know what has really been done. You're still not divorcing him. He still does not own his actions. You are still in danger along with the kids. He is still living with a toxic and equally dangerous ow.

Dani,

Remember who is asking for help. Not your H (your H knows he has to serve out the sentence caused by the WS). It is the WS under the disguise of your H who is sweetly calling to you.

Wolf in sheep's clothing. Shudder..... don't fall for it. When my WS went to jail for 2 1/2 days he went in with anger and came out with a bit less anger but went to live with the OW for about 7 days. I had to restrain all contact because my help was NOT to help him at all. He slept in his truck when he couldn't take the OW's babble and nagging. Her sex was not enough to keep him tied to her but she certainly did try. I read their e-mails at that time and you know as addictive as it was, the path of destruction was already well set.

So just leave him be, go get what $ you can recover and let the OW and WS drive each other and those around them crazy. Time is your best ally right now.

Stay far away, quiet, dark and safe.

All the best,
L.

Dani,

You CAN help your husband and at the same time protect yourself and the children.

You do that by pressing charges against him on Monday for stealing from you and let the chips fall where they may.

Love is NOT enough, Dani. Especially when it is only flowing one way.

~ Snow

Dani,

Make sure you write down what has happened with the OW this past week. Inform the court that she is currently making false charges (bring that mutual friend if you can). Let them know how her continued interference in your life is why the RO is still a great need. Also the financial loss as a result is greating a growing liabiltiy with your finances. Let the court know that your H is unstable and his continued contact with the OW has also affected even your bank account which even landed your H in jail. This stuff is all tied together. Hold back nothing. The court should not flinch an eye, they have seen these type of cases before.

L.

I wish people would stop saying that. He HAS hit bottom. It hasn't made a difference. He's wallowing in it.

Dani, I see an unproductive pattern here. You decide on a sound course of action. Then you get a phone call from him. Then the self-doubt, second-guessing, the "he's my H and I still love him" begins again. Then you get a thousand posts about the sitch, and what you should say to him, what you shouldn't do, etc. Then you cave in and get hurt all over again -- and experience serious harm. Then the cycle begins again.

Can you see the pattern? DON'T TALK TO HIM. It confuses what you know you must do. It sets you back in your own recovery.

I know the words "Plan B" sound ridiculous in this situation, but they have a certain practical value. Go dark. Go silent. Don't talk to him. It only gums you up -- like putting dried paste in your blender.

And please make sure you are safe. Need I say it again? They have guns.

From a legal perspective, if you don't press charges, does that mean he didn't steal the money, so he doesn't have to pay you back? Do you really want to reward him for his actions by "giving" him all that money?

Some day you'll look back at this and wonder what the heck you were thinking to even consider letting him off the hook.

Dobie