Dani,

Looking back through this long thread, taking in lemonman's words and watching AMM bang her head against the wall is causing me to take a step back. I feel, Dani, that by posting to you we are only giving you a place to come when you need propping up before you go and do the same thing over and over and over again.

I don't want to read a wire story someday about some crazed bipolar guy in Maine who shot his wife, his mistress, and his kids before taking his own life. Don't think I am being absurd here, Dani. You are in a very dangerous triangle. You say you want out but you take no action to get out or stay out. You participate in the chaos just enough to make yourself feel alive. You need help with that.

I don't want to read that news story and say to myself, "gee, if I had pulled the support from under Dani, maybe she would have done the right thing and protected herself and the kids... maybe they'd still be alive."

Nope. Don't want any part of that. You've been told. By many people. Take action and don't look back or, at least in my case, don't come around looking for more support if you just can't do the right thing. Too much is at stake.

I truly wish you well.

~ Snow

You read my mind, Snowbelle.

ditto Snowbelle and A.A.Martin,

I wanted to post just about the same thing, but lost my courage, I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who is thinking this very thing.

Thank you Snowbelle, for having the courage to post this.

Dani, protect yourself and kids, now. And don't be offended, and if you are scared, good, you should be. You are only getting the tough love because we are all so very concerned for you.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Hi Dani,

Not recovering your stolen money from the bank is like you paying your WH to continue on a path that is self-destructive and destructive to others too.

Is that what a wife who loves her husband does?

Is that what a mother does to her children's father?

Will you pay WH $1300 to continue his path of destruction, or will you say No, I love my husband and will help him by recovering my money.

Take care <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Dani,

Let me make one final plea, and then I think I better go the way of Snowbelle and Lemonman: This isn't about love and your broken heart, Dani. Please stop seeing this in sentimental and romantic terms -- he said, she said; the story of you and Adam and your love for each other. It stopped being about that a long, long time ago.

If you can't stop seeing it that way -- if you are going to continue to cave in and talk to him and be swayed by him and play out this terrible and potentially deadly triangle to the very end -- can we persuade you to get your kids (and dog) to a safe haven out of state? A haven that no one but you will have an address to?

OW beat WH to a pulp, and then charged him with attempted murder. Now she is mad at you and inventing stories about you. And OW and WH, with an established history of violence and a willingness to ignore ROs, have guns. Guns mean they don't need to premeditate anything. It can happen in a moment of spontaneous rage.

Please gets your kids and pets to safety. If you want to stay in this, go ahead -- but they didn't sign on. Even the dog didn't sign on. They are truly innocent, and deserve protection.

I hope I don't offend you, Dani, though given the gravity of your situation, it really doesn't much matter if I did. I have been trying to protect you -- or rather, get you to protect yourself.

I won't be reading this thread anymore. Take care.

Dani..if this were your daughter in this situation, what would you tell her to do? You need to keep that in mind because children tend to repeat what they saw in childhood when they become adults.

Would you want your children have a spouse that has even seen the inside of a jail much less spent time there? Would you want your children to have the need to speak to a police office for any other reason than directions? Would you want "restraining order" in their vocabulary?

Would you want a man treat her as your husband has treated you? Would you want her to "let him off the hook" after he took money to be used to feed your grandchildren?

No matter what he says or the tone in which he says these things, he is destroying the soul of his family...piece by piece..and you're participating.

Depressed?..he should be depressed. Blaming you?..it will never stop...unless you stop it. If you allow him to get off scot-free the whole mess will start all over again and you know it

He's right about this. Not to stereotype people with manic/depression, but those who are NOT on medication tend to very unpredictable. Any little thing can set them off. Unfortunately, the woman my husband had the affair with was this way. She was extremely manipulative and sought to destroy my life/career/reputation, etc in any way that she could. She did alot of damage to me emotionally. It took the help of a therapist to help me get over it. It's a year later, and even with a RO, she still makes idle threats. They're general in nature, so the police can't do anything. I will have the RO renewed for the rest of my life. I have no choice.

They do things upon impluse, with no thoughts whatsoever, to the consequences, or the affects on other people. Their version of reality is much different from ours. They're not behaving this way on purpose, it's just how their brain works. If they're wanting revenge for a "supposed wrong" you've done them...they're like the Energizer Bunny. They'll never quit.

They leave you dazed and confused in their wake of destruction and you stand there wondering what hit you and why.

I guess the only way that he's going to get out of the fog is to hit rock bottom. With all the stuff he's been through because of the OW, it seems as if he's hit bottom already. I wonder how much lower he can go?

You NEED to get away from this situation to protect your sanity and your personal safety. Those two are a ticking bomb, waiting to go off, and you are the target.

Since he helped himself to your bank account, he probably has your social security #. Please call the Federal Trade Commission and file a report on identity theft. Ask them what other steps you need to take.

danielle,

Are you OK?

Hope you are doing what is healthy for you and kids.

You are worthy danielle, don't forget it, you are WORTHY of more than what you have been putting up with.

Please try to understand that your H is not your H anymore, he is a WS, and a pretty crazy one right now.

Just want you to know I am praying for you Danielle, and I believe God has a plan for you, but it is NOT what is happening now.

Praying for your safety.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

ps, listen to Arabesque, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> she has some experience with what you are going thru. Take care Danielle.

Dani,

Just wanted to let you know that I'm rooting for you in court today.

Dobie

Hey Dani,

Just wanted to say I admire you for the firm stand you are taking.

I wanted to commend you on the firm stand you have taken. You have NOT backed down when you went to court against OW (even though you were getting calls to do so), you did NOT bail WH out. You have kept your home secret, kept your children safe and have made some REALLY tough choices.

You have been VERY strong thoughout this mess. You have kept in touch with the IL's but given them limited info about your whereabouts.

When a recovery appeared to be happening, you tread carefully, had a good time, filled his lovebank, but protected yourself and your family...who knew he would STEAL from you?

You have been following the right path.

You are loyal, and I admire you still have love for him after all this...keep it safe and secure. You may have to REALLY limit your contact with him (or have none at all) to keep that love.

Hope things went well with the police yesterday. Getting in trouble with the law can be a real wake up call for some people...gives them time to think...

Hmmmm. very odd.... I could've sworn I posted to this thread today...

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I'm in your corner. Praying for you today and hoping you are doing ok.

That's all,

dewt

Thank you ALL for writing! I completely understand those of you who don't feel comfortable posting to me anymore (A.M., Snowbell, etc). I appreciate the posts and points of view, but I 100% understand your intentions and reasons.
I really appreciate what this board has helped me through, and helped me realize over the past 9 months. I have grown a lot, and changed tremendously.
SMIH, Thank you for that post. It has summed up our time in Maine, and the actual actions I have taken to protect myself.

Today in court went well (or as well as can be expected).
I got there only 5 minutes before the case. I was running behind because I had to stop at the police station on the way to pick up some proof that I had totally forgotten about. When I got to the area before the court room the OW was sitting there crying (in jeans). I sat down on the bench across the room and looked at my paperwork one last time. The corrections officer came out of the court room and said 'Are you here for *****?" I said "Yes" He said "Mr. ****** is in the court room if you would like to enter" So I went in, and sat on the Plaintiff side with him, but kept my distance. All I can say is wow.. I didn't expect it to be that hard emotionally to sit there. He had obviously been crying, in handcuffs and shackles, orange, and looked incredibly ashamed and upset. He looked at me, with tears in his eyes and just said 'I am sorry that i put you in the situation to be sitting here right now' and then nothing else. I just nodded. I didn't know what to say. Then the OW came in and sat on the defendant side moments later. After some talking between the officials they called me out of the court room. They asked me WHO I was. I said I was Mrs. ******. Apparently there was some confusion, and they thought I was my WHs attorney. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
When I got back to the court room, the judge had decided to hear both the RO case, and his arraignment for the theft and violation of bail at the same time. They first did the arraignment and violation of bail. The motion to revoke bail was denied, and they set a date for the class C felony case for August.
Then on to the RO. Of course, OW started in how WH loved her, and I was causing all of this trouble...etc. The judge looked at WH and asked him to share his side of the case. WH said that he had made wrong choices, hurt the people he loved most in his life, his wife and children, and needed the RO to help him right his wrongs and make his family one again. Well to be honest that statement had me silent. Words...all words. I need ACTION! Anyhow, OW started balling her eyes out. She went on about how my WH has her cell phone and she needs it back, and she has his fishing pole, and how my WH ruined her life, and she wants to be paid restitution.
The RO was granted, WH and I ordered court mandated marriage counseling, and my WH ordered court mandated IC for alcohol. When the OW left the court room she said 'I hope you sit in jail till your 80' to my WH.
WH is out of jail on PR bail, until his court date on June 30 and then in August for the theft.
He is at his parents house, and has called all night....leaving messages, saying he is 'checking in', wants to make it right, wants to earn my trust...etc.

I have a busy week ahead of me with school and such, and he knows it. My FIL has surgery tomorrow so I had planned to go to my inlaws tomorrow night to see him. I may change my mind...

Danielle

*glomps Dani* oh sweetie....you did so good...i am proud of you.....soooo WH has had some major time to think....must have taken some real large round things in a sack....to be able to say that in front of OW. just be cautious still...he's an addict....and only he can decided if he's gonna change.....but I am very proud of you for holding up under so much pressure....*hugs*

YOu did fantastic, Danielle. And hearing what your WH had to say must have been deliciously wonderful-- to have it said in front of psycho OW. Im really happy that the words did not move you- you've learned!

Stay real dark. When does the madatory marriage counseling start? Does this effect your ability to file for divorce?

You know I pretty much want you to stay dark so he can't manipulate you. I'll be honest that I don't think he deserves you EVER. And Im letting you know that so you don;t think Im manuevering you towards a recovery with him. I just want a recovery for YOU, you know?

I hope you still have my email address. I can't remember if I gave you my phone number or not. Feel free to use it any time.

Dani... soooo glad to hear from you!

Pretty impressed with your H too. Seems to me that saying what he said in a court room was action. Hope he keeps it up!

John

Hmmm, sounds eerily familiar. Once a "victim", always a "victim". I wonder if she'll win an Oscar for this performance?



Sounds like true love (on her part) to me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Be very vigilant, especially if the RO just protects him. You never know what she may do. Revenge makes people do the strangest things. Document everything.

I wish I would have been there in court with you. In fact, with all the people on MB's who have follwed your story, you probably would have had your own cheering section in the court room.

I hope this will finally bring some peace to you..., you definitely need it.

*hugs*

So the OW can't make up her mind if she loves him or hates him? Talk about fog. What a winner this OW was. Remember when she could do no wrong? Now she can't even figure out which side of the fence to sit on. LOL!!!

Ok Dani, this is your time to shine. Let the OW wear orange and let his mother put some sense into him. You keep your distance and see how long he lives up to his words. He has been through a lot but may have a ways to go before he really turns around. He needs to be good when there is are threats to his existance.

Stay away and take care,
L.

I have to disagree with that. I think he was just sucking up to whichever woman was in the position to save him from the worst consequences.

Dani,

If they thought you were an attorney, you were dressed appropriately for court. Excellent job!!!

Dobie

Wow Dani...you got mistaken for a lawyer...foreshadowing????

What guts it took for him to say those words in front of the judge to the OW!!! And just a few days after feeling SOoo justified in taking money from you. I agree with Dobie, tough to say if he was real in saying it or not, or saying it to impress the judge...but it seems in the past he was willing to back up the OW in spewing her fog.

Sounds like the Judge really handed down some sane judgements. Court-ordered MC AND IC!!! Awesome!
Will they accept Steve or Jennifer as MC?

So, then next step. What were your rules of recovery from your Plan B letter. And what is his plan to fulfill those rules/needs? How will he prove NC, prove IC, talk with you about needs fulfillment, etc.?

And how do you love an addict that is beginning recovery? How do you show him love, yet still keep your distance?

This is a tough one!

I am Sooooo proud of you for standing up to the A beast, for holding on to your love, for protecting yourself, for allowing the OW and WH to feel the consequences of their actions. How are the IL's these days?

To your WH's credit, it seems he was trying to get his ducks in a row by getting his car...but oh, how he did it...

Feel free to email me at stillheremakingit@yahoo.com

Well, as a recovering addict... this is my take on it.

1st and foremost, always be clear. Let him/her know unequivocably where he/she stands and what's expected (in terms of YOUR boundries; the recovery part is his deal)

Encouragement when it's deserved.

Show that you have faith in the person, treat them as if deep down, you know that they can heal themselves.

Be supportive of the good steps forward, but don't LB when they slip.

Understand that this can be an incredibly tough thing to beat (I don't know what his addiction is) but as long as there are consistent steps towards recovery, this is a good thing.

Patience.

Let the addict prove himself, and slowly earn back the trust that has been lost.

Those are just some tips. Things that worked (are working) for me.

dewt