I believe that my h is having a affair. I had a talk with him last night about my feelings. He can't talk to me.He just sat there and got mad and said we have talked about this for the last 2 years. When am i going to get over it. How can i get over it if i don't know if its still going on or not. I want to get off this ride so bad. I do know there was someone in his life. His actions and how he was last summer i know . I been married 35 years and I know my husband.

Thing have been okay.I don't think he is seeing her but i think he is talking to her everyday. your gut feeling is most of the time right on the money.

I can try to find out about the ow if I ask around to some people I really don't know very well? I have idea where she worked and I could ask about her but i don't even no her name. should i just STOP.????????
I just want to say this. My husband started this two years ago when I found the condoms and jell in his van. He deny and deny it all. He lies about all. He told me this story and sticks to it. I keep wanting to know and if he is having affair its because i keep trying to find the truth out. DO I end up the bad person in this mess. He has the affair ongoing i want to find out , i press him , he find no presser from ow so he keeps the affair going making me the bad guy and the reason for the affair. went will this end . help anyone. Give me some thing to read on this or some help. I am getting lost. pansy

No Pansy, you should not stop. You should stop talking to him about it though, for now.

You need to become a detective now, as unappealing as that may be. You must know for your own sanity what is/has been going on.

There is lots of info on this site about detective work, and the different devices available for you to use. Ask for help in that area if you need to.

Read up on Plan A and and start implementing it whilst you get your proof.

I know how you feel, you question your own sanity. He points the finger at you and then you feel even more confused.

Please stop taking to him about this for now, and find a way to get some proof. I don't know about asking about town, but I'm sure I would do it if it was a way for me to regain my sanity.

Hang on Pansy, you'll get through this with the help of MB.

You should also get His Needs/Her Needs, and Surviving an Affair by Harley, and also Private Lies by Pitman!

I agree with weaver.

The first thing you need to do is quit talking to your H about it. Then next thing you need to do is find PROOF of an A....either and EA or PA.

I know how hard it is to keep ones mouth shut when you have a gut feeling about something.....but without proof...you really have nothing. Besides....your H will probably still deny an A even with proof sitting in front of him. Most WS's do.

The WS tends to turn everything back around onto the BS....and the constant asking of questions is seen as nagging....and they use what they see as "the nagging wifey" as justification for their behaviour.

In truth...there is no justification and the WS knows this....but for some reason when one becomes a WS their brains seem to revert back to child like behaviour. It's all about them...they didn't and don't do anything wrong....things suddenly become unfair to them....blah, blah, blah.

Do you become the bad person in all this?

Well...that's a BIG YES...in your WS's mind that is.

If you weren't the bad person then there would be no justification in his mind for what he is doing.

Be prepared for it.....but ignore it. Your H's A is in NO WAY your fault. NOTHING you have done has made your H want to have an A. The only thing you should take credit for is YOUR OWN behaviour and your part in making the your marriage vulnerable enough for something like this to happen.

Do you ignore it and let it go?

Hell no.

For the purpose of easing tension on both sides you let your H assume you are ignoring it. While you are doing that....you get all the info you can get on whether or not he is contacting an OW or not.

This is not said for the purpose of not letting your H know what you are doing....it is for YOUR protection. YOU have a RIGHT to know what's going on.

Can you afford to hire a PI? Can you check his cell phone records, emails, etc. You could put a small voice activated tape recorder hidden in his car at times that you suspect things are not adding up, you can puch redial on the house phone, you can also do call backs to call back the last number called, you can surprise him during his lunch breaks to take him out for lunch, disrupt routines in what appears to be an innocent way and see if any evidence comes to light in the process. You deserve to know the truth and if somethting is going on it is obvious he is not going to tell you or share it with you on his own. So, be the detective and hunt for the truth.

Pansy, the others are right, you must find out who the OW is and find out what they are doing. If he is talking to her on your home phone, you can tap your phone. Can you hire a P.I. or do you have a family member/friend who can follow him?

You can't really do anything until you find out the truth. Once you find out then you can decide what to do and we can help you end his affair.

thank for all your help and i mean this from the bottom of my heart.thank you weaver and miss priss and melodylane and stormydakola. I have tried most of things , taping him he plays the radio and that doesn't help but i had a tape burn into a cd and had the music turn down on it . it did cost some ,had to find a man that records bands to do it. thats how i found out that he was having affair but nothing on the cd helped me . my husband still says that he was talking to himself. i have ask some of his freinds about if they new anything all said no he wouldn't do that. one guy i ask is divorce and he said my husband would never do that to me. later i found out that same guy ask my husband how is girl was and if she was working at mcdonalds . so to say the least i don't trust his friends to tell me the truth. my husband also has a cell phone which i got unlisted numbers off. i have paid 4 different com that are on the computer no one can give me any info.only it comes back to a general post and the city near us. she was c alling my home at one time got number by star 69 but my husband said that all these calls were driving me crazy so he changed our number lied to everyone said it was because of tella marketers. i did call her and she would hang up so on and so on. there more here but this is getting long. never heard her voice. what else can i do? like i said i can ask one more person about her. i guess i should. everyone thinks that i can't stop and they are right. i have a small cam recorder maybe that would work but lately he has it in the top dresser and he goes there every day. i guess he would know if i took it. i also posted on this site on 5/5/05 if anyone wants to read the story and mess i'm in thanks again all for your help always pansy also this really hurts sometimes i just don't know which way to turn always pansy

Pansy,

Your H must be related to mine. I taped him and he also said that he is talking to himself, LOL. If he was, he also answered himself twice, in a female voice nonetheless..

I also could find no further clues. I do know tho that something was going on.

I am sorry that you are going through this. You are at the right place tho, if you gotta deal with this nonsense! Read here alot, that has helped me. The people here are very insightful and you will see many points of view.

Good luck Pansy. And try to break up your post into paragraphs, it makes it easier to read.

jls

Jlseagull hi want to thank you . you tell me that you taped your husband also i was thinking that i was the only one doing these things. when you said he said he was talking to himself well that got me. Did you ever start thing you were going nuts, that maybe its all in your head? I know what you mean about the taping . I heard him say why aren't you answering the phone then when he got her he said where were you. Always the same talking to my self.
How long do we deal with this nonsense and mess they are causeing? I 'll look for your post. thanks again always pansy

Can you afford to hire a private PI?

stormydakota hi have some stocks that i could sell and do this. i just don't know how they would go about it because my husband is the fill in man on a mail run. he come home after work on time . he does have a lay over for 2 hours on mondays and tuesdays but i got to his work on them days. been doing this just so he can't see her.been doing this about a year or so. thanks maybe i will . pansy

So Pansy,

.. is he asking himself "Where are you?" and then "What took you so long?" Your H calls himself "you" sometimes too!!! Maybe they are related. It is scary, that they think that we are that dumb and that they lie that much. Or are we NUTS? I really wonder sometimes! About me, that is.


Please read my post. Would like to see a lot of opinions.

Thanks,
jls

jls I just read your letter. I am in tears, you sound so hurt i wish i could reach out and hug you and tell you thing will be okay. Hang on,there are people that care about you and what is happening in your life. Its a great letter. I could never write one like that. T.O.Y. PANSY