How long?

I made a thread here a while back in the "just found out" forum. How long does it take for a man who still loves his wife to truly forgive her for the affair she had?

It's been five months now since I found out and I still find myself yelling at her and then later regretting it terribly. Today I even yelled at her mother. I'm alcoholic, in last two weeks I have been in ICU because I stopped breathing on my own. Then just last week we went to florida and I ended up in jail for about 15 hrs. I mention this only because I want people to understand what my wife has to deal with, not because it's her fault I ended up in ICU and Jail.

I love this woman and I have put her through a lot and don't want to yell at her anymore. All my clothes are now in my car. I really don't want to leave her but I cannot keep up like this. RAGE sometimes takes over. I'm in out patient treatment and seeing doc for depression and therapy.

IF only I could stop the ANGER when it raises its ugly head all would be well. I believe in my wife, she is a good woman. Maybe I'm just a bad husband. Is there any hope that my ANGER and RAGE will eventually die. I want it to. But it's a lot like drinking, hard to control, once it starts. I'm working on my drinking, but now it seems I feel that anger creep up into my sober mind. I love my wife, I just don't know what to do.

You may love your wife, but you do not treat her well.

This is a factual statement, based on your description of yourself.

Heal/fix yourself first, and become a man who is a safety net for his wife, and then your anger will dissipate.

You are angry (I guess) because you don't like yourself much and you don't think you deserve your wife.... and a frightened alcoholic rages.

Your rage is the voice of your inferiority fears.

More meetings. Keep inventory of your own faults/successes ... and let her faults go for now. You've got a lot on your plate.

Best of luck. One day at a time.

Pep

It sure doesn't sound like you are "working on" your drinking at all to me. What exactly does that mean in RealSpeak?

Instead of going to therapy, why don't you go to AA and do something about your drinking before you lose everything? Or are you a low bottom alcoholic that has to lose everything before you get your head out of your [censored]?

I know I haven't treated her well all the time, but cannot go into details as to why. Let's just say I didn't meet her emotional needs. I was a dry drunk for several years and then finding out about affair along with therapy and self awareness of a traumatic event that happened to me as a youth, I realize why I wasn't there for her emotionally. Once I became "sober" I went into a shell. I was there, but I wasn't.

I wanted to drink today, but I didn't. That's a start.

I'm in an out patient rehab center four nights a week, 3 hour sessions. The day I drank two fifths of jim beam and stopped breathing I believed I intended to kill myself after revealing to my wife something I'd have never thought I would tell to anyone. I wanted to soothe her before I died.

Now I don't want to die.

I'm not drinking...today.

I just dont want to be angry anymore. I spent nearly a decade sober. Anyone can fall anytime.

More meetings... get a sponser...

Pep

Were you raped as a youth?

Pep

12 yrs old. Not raped, but molested. The good doc says I'm lucky to remember it, helps in recovery, specially since the booze gene runs on both sides of the family.

I tried to be a good husband, but I guess when I'm sober, I'm about 15 yrs old mentally.

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Hang in there kid ... you're worth it.

Pep

Yea I am worth it. Wanna know where the ANGER came from? It came from knowing my wife engaged in unprotected sex with a stranger she met online.

My RAGE is the voice of my inferiority fears awaiting the results of the HIV test since I had unprotected sex with her during same time period. I got a vasectomy for her, so she wouldn't have to deal with bc pills dontcha know.

But yea, I'm just a low bottom alcoholic that has to lose everything before I get my head out of my [censored].

ODAAT


HT, I still love you.

Do you have a sponser?

My H is 9 years in AA and he has become the man of my dreams ... after being my live-at-home nightmare ... and YOU can be that man too (well not of MY dreams , LOL , but your wife's man of her dreams)

GET a sponser !

Pep

Well, no, not anyone. Only those who CHOOSE to fall. Getting drunk doesn't just "happen" to us, bisquit, we make that choice.

Why not get into AA and do something about your drinking? Do you have a sponsor?

Well, I sure hate to hear that, but I suspected as much when you said you had been in jail and in ICU. I know that some choose to lose it all before they choose to do something about their drinking[if ever]. For me, I have a low threshhold for pain.

With all the problems you have in your marriage, I am just amazed that you are adding new problems by drinking. Have you found that drinking has helped your situation at all? Has being in jail and the ICU helped your marriage?