Ok it is not likely that my WH will ever get to recover, but anyone out there that has and yet their WS has never admitted any wrong doing, or not taken any responsibility for their affair/s? How about the I Love You thing. Is it unusual for a WS to refuse to say it? Or on the other hand what about the WS who will not tell you how they feel about you at all unless of course it is negative. What are BS's counselors telling them about WS's who have no compassion. Should I be giving up the hope that my husband will ever feel love for me again.
He is so cold and embittered, yet he is the one involved with someone else. The latest blow out was that he found out that I had told some people that he was cheating on me.
Said I was starting a smear campaign. Is this still fog or is this just being psychologically messed up.

IMHO....I wouldn't want to even contemplate the possiblity of Recovery with someone that couldn't or wouldn't apologize for the treatment they dished out during the A...or the A itself....let alone not take responsibility for it.

It is usual for the WS not to be able to tell the BS they love them while the WS is in withdrawl.....and sometimes for a while after withdrawl is over.

Again...I would not comtemplate Recovery with someone that is nothing but negative.

You should not give up hope that your WH will love you again. He still loves you....deep down. Right now the feelings that he has for you have been pushed to the back of his brain....and only a good ( I mean really good) smack will bring them back.

Your H HAS to act cold and bitter towards you....it's classic. Otherwise the feelings that he has for you would bubble back up and he just can't have that happen right now in his mind.

As for the smear campaign....well....he started it.

You wouldn't have inform people that he is cheating or has cheated on you....if he hadn't. They tend to forget that part.

Is it fog? Well...I'm not really a BIG believer in fog....but he is definately still in LA LA LAND.

I wouldn't say my M is in recovery, and it's not in recovery because he has never apologized.

Oh, he's "sorry he hurt me," and "sorry he didn't take care of me," but he sure isn't sorry for disppearing with his favorite female co-worker off-site for hours at a time. He sure isn't sorry he shared all of his work events with one of them and not with me. He sure isn't sorry for the mushy e-mails and the shared birthday celebrations and the personal gifts I never knew about.

Those are the things I need apologies for -- and those are the things he clams up over.

It hurt bad enough that he did this crap in the first place, but *nothing* hurts like knowing he doesn't regret a minute of it.

Homer, it sounds like your WH is still involved in the A on some level. If that's the case, then I submit that you are not in recovery.

It isn't recovery just because you know about the A. I think many folks here make that mistake.
Mulan

Miss Priss:

I just wanted to shout out a "hello" to you. This weekend I was on call and spent alot of "down time" reading the boards and read alot about your story. All I can say is "OMG". I hope that you have found some way to heal after all of this.

I found myself intensely hating your WH reading your posts. I am kind of interested in your story becasue you said you are not really a "beliver in the fog". I find that interesting (I happen to wholly agree), but can I ask how you reconciled in your mind to take him back knowing that he was capable of doing the horrible things he did to you and your children.

If you don't "buy the fog", then do you just accept that your FWH is a man of extrememly questionable character, and you just have to thank God that he is being a decent man now. PLease help me understand this. I can't even imagine how you felt about it when you were going through this stuff with him. DO you still remember what he did to you and the children, or have you "blocked" that all out?

Congrats on your recovery. I hope and pray you and your three daughters live in peace and happiness forever, and that the scar from this time in your life remains just that..."a scar in your past".

LM

I don't want to TJ so I will start a new thread to you LM.

Yeah, that would be a good idea. I should have started one in asking you this. To the original poster, sorry about the TJ.

LM

Can anyone answer this for me: Is there a difference between "I'm sorry I hurt you" and "I am sorry for what I did?"

WH insists there is no difference.

I insist that there is a huge difference.

I cannot forgive someone who insists he did nothing wrong by ignoring me for other women. He is sorry that I was hurt by his ignoring me, but he is not sorry that he went out with them instead of with me.

He does not see why this should bother me, since he is "sorry he hurt me."

Homer, I think this is what you are asking about. I wrestle with this every day. Anyone?
Mulan

Edited to add: I believe it's in Shirley Glass's book where she says that if the WS cannot apologize for acutally having the affair -- that is, they cannot apologize because they enjoyed the hell out of it and aren't one bit sorry they got to have that experience -- they should at least apologize for the pain the affair caused the BS.

Well, my WH has done exactly that. He's apologized for "hurting me," but doesn't regret a minute of his fun. And you know what? Every time I think of it, all it does is infuriate me. It just twists that knife in my back that much more until sometimes I am literally screaming.

Is anyone else struggling with this? How on earth does anybody cope with this?
Mulan

Mulan:

IMO Yes, there is a difference.

The one implies that he has not learned anything from his "own" actions and IF he could find a way to NOT hurt you with it (Like you NOT finding out), there is (in HIS eyes) nothing wrong with doing it and he would most assuredly DO it again.

yea i know what yo mean i never really got the words I am sorry but then you would have to know my H... the is why his EA hurt me soooo much he is just not that kind of person to be "mushy" but after I told him to leave and after our last fight about OW and I said my "final words" cause he NEVER saw the wrong in it..."just talking" he's say.. but it was very wrong!!!!!
any way a week after he came back home on my terms... he walked in with one red rose, looked at me, kissed my cheek with watery eyes.. and to me it was "his sorry"
so like I said you would have to know my H...
but no rose will ever erase all the hurt... it hurt to more knowing he gave his heart to OW(EA) than his body.
just my 2-cent