TNT-<P>What if you wrote him a letter about SD? I ask because that was often a successful way to deal with unpleasantness regarding my SS. H doesn't want to hear these things, but it is often easier to see it written. Then maybe he won't feel so threatened.<P>Just a thought. Glad last night didn't fall apart.<P>Sheba- H is doing better. He is currently in an alcohol rehab. Hope it is successful.<P>God bless

WS,<BR>Thanks for helping me staying focused on the goal, and staying calm. You are always a good "crisis manager" and I thank you. You must be reading a new book on paradigms? Looking out a different window? What is that all about?<P>CC - Did you go out and "cruise Wal-mart last night? Have you talked to Emma yet this morning? I said prayers for you last night. Even though we are going through these trials, it feels good to know that we can do something for someone else. I hope you realize that you are a QUALITY person, and that you are someone to be proud of. I think about you very often, you know. <P>What did you end up doing last night? Did you stay out of trouble? Hope not!<P>Sheryl - Are those all your bio kids? Wow. That can be a handful, especially one with special needs. I have raised 3 of our 4 teenagers, the fourth is my husband's. All 3 of mine are great kids. His girls are into dope, and don't make long term decisions. I guess because I was a single mom for so long, that my kids and I bonded pretty well and we had a lot of heart to heart talks. His kids haven't had that opportunity. If you ever want to email me about some pointers, greatly appreciated: mncon99@yahoo.com<P>Sheba - he really feels no one cares about his kids except him. He thinks he is the knight and shining armour - and doesn't want to have any help with his kids. He sees help as disrespectful judgements. And I think it hurts to see that my kids have turned out well, are responsible, don't call us for money and with their problems, and have a good relationship with the Lord. They are always there for me, and I think his kids just haven't been taught the things mine have, and that bothers him. <BR>My husband's family doesn't help much, either. There is some Gypsy in my husband's father's side, and I think that is good and bad. Because their thinking isn't long term, and pleasure for the moment. Maybe that is a racist statement, but it is also probably true. <P>I did try and remember those 3 questions all night, but decided that if we even thought about talking about this - then we were headed for more polarization. Frustrating. When OW walked in, it kind of stopped any hint of progress. Rome wasn't built in a day.<P>FHL - I know you are praying for that piece of work of mine!!! LOL you are funny. And thank you so much for your prayers. <P>Sweetpea, My husband listens to DR. Laura a lot. I can't stand her. I want to clobber her most of the time. But sometimes to me she can make sense. How can you stand listening to her? She thinks that kids are first, regardless of how they came into existance. Remember Abraham and Sarah? I want to ask Dr. Laura why God thought the marriage came before Ishmael. She drives me nuts.<P>I have been trying the distancing thing and leaving her parenting up to him. It helps him, but angers me. I need to let it go not just as an act, but as a heart felt feeling. I know your distancing helped you. Maybe tough love?<P>Wex - How are you my friend. Your new thread has me feeling inadequate. Explain the meaning of marinated!!! It is over my head. Thanks for your concerns. I'm glad your son turned out okay despite his teenage response to a family crisis. How is your son now, with the second marriage? I made a nice home cooked breakfast this morning just for my stepdaughter. (6 year old riding his bike and H working overtime.) She actually said "Thank you, Connie."<P>CL - yes your advice is exactly what I think. I've been trying the behavior modification therapy - with the rewards .<BR>Hasn't changed anything yet. And yes, when he is out of town she knows that she can get away with it all and do what ever she wants and she lets me know it too. She'll smoke anywhere she wants, and totally tries to be the most defiant child. She also uses the opportunity to be more hateful to our 6 year old. H is not consistent enough with anything he resolves to do to make anything stick. It is totally frustrating. I will at some time see if there is something we can do to try and get somewhere onto the same page, at lest a meeting time to talk about this. I'm afraid what the truth is, is that I need to find a way to cope with this and hope she moves out in 2 years when she is 18.<P>Lostva, your faith in God is really remarkable, and speaks thousands of words to me. Thank you for your prayers and your thoughts.<P>Used 2BCozy, and Dreamer0707, You two, thank you for your encouragement and emails for me. It is nice to have friends that understand.<P>

trustntruth; prayers and thoughts to you.

TNT<BR>A book I read a few months ago. I just forgot to practice a few things.<BR>I think it was "When Am I going to be Happy" by Penelope Russianoff.<BR>Okay I read too much!!!!<BR>Part of that "thinker" thing.<BR>It tells you how to change your perceptions of people and events in order to see things from all possibilities instead of a perception that might hurt you.<BR>I think I'll reread it!!!<BR>You sound good girl! Keep it up!

TNT - Don't feel bad. I often lose people with my ramblings! Consider the fact that some fancy cooks marinate (soak) things in wine before cooking, and you'll get the idea! What I was doing was marinating my BRAIN in much stronger stuff than wine (bad habit of mine!) Hence the totally crazy output.<P>My friend, I have been so touched by your story. I wanted you to know there IS hope, especially for the kids. Kids go through a lot when parents are at odds, but with the right guidance, they can work through it. (I think my son likes his stepmother. We don't see him very much, as he works out of state.)<P>Does the fact that your SD is your stepdaughter make it much harder for you to deal with her? I would think it would. She is your H's daughter, yet he seems to be expecting YOU to handle the problems she gets into. It sounds like you are being as good a stepmom as you can be. But if your SD picks on your son, that really is out-of-bounds. Would some kind of family counseling where all of you go to the sessions make sense? In any case, your H has somehow got to take more responsibility for this situation, since she is, after all, HIS daughter. I would keep doing what you've been doing and simply report her behavior to him every chance you get. (In fact, maybe that's what you should mainly talk about to him. Eventually, he'll get the idea.)<P>Regards and many, many blessings,<P>--Wex

TnT,<BR> I talked to Auntie Pooh yesterday, Have you emailed her about this recent stuff ? <BR>Sorry I am just now reading this thread, I feel down went boom Friday, and I can only sit for so long at once with the knees bent, Then it starts hurting, but I can pray in any posistion, and will do so. <P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

Hi TNT -<P>How are you doing? Glad to see that you took some baby steps and that you both want your marriage. YAY!!!!<P>How's it been since the talk? Any other developments or realizations?<P>Thinking of you and still saying those prayers!!<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

Wex - Ahhhh thanks for marinated explanation. Duh, why didn't I figure that out. Yeah, I think because it is someone else's daughter, it makes it harder. Maybe that isn't right - but it implies responsibility without authority and that is never a balanced equation! Wex, I'm glad your son survived. Also - heard you aren't as motivated to snoop now that your wife knows that you know, even though she is in denial. Still doing a great plan A? I admire your commitment to your marriage. I'm a good seamstress - I could probably get that Voice activated recorder stitched in that heavy winter coat without any problem. You need help? You let me know. <P>Deb - I haven't written Auntie Pooh about this. I will. Her prayers and spiritual support are very important to me. She still is the most popular MB Non-poster there is! How are your "fall down go boom" injuries doing? I'm going to have to check out that thread!!!! I fell down yesterday - tripped over the grandson's toys.... I told my daughter maybe I have a touch of MS - and of course I was just kidding - and she got mad at me. "Mom, don't EVEN kid about that!!!" The tongue lashing and disapproving looks worked. I won't....<P>WS- I knew there was a book in there somewhere about "perspectives"... Gary Smalley is very good also, about talking about this in his book "Making Love last Forever". How goes the battle for you?<P>JB - You have become a special friend, thanks for your understanding and prayers.<P>Sheba - I will update you about the weekend. PS- think you should get those wedding rings back on - read my reply to Chris's thread. And, you need to let us know what is going on more! Thanks for the hugs and prayers.<P>UPDATE:<BR>We had some friends show up at our house unexpectantly on Saturday. I was out washing windows, so I went out to their car to say hi. Pretty soon H came out to say hi. Pretty soon they got out of their vehicle and we still were outside. Then they came in and had a coke, and I showed the wife some of the sites on the internet - including MB. Then it was dinnertime, and we all went to dinner. Then we came back to play cards, but couldn't because my 6 year old lost them. Then we started talking about the MB site. Then I got out all the stuff I printed out - my folder. We went over lots of the principles! <P>My husband couldn't shove them where the sun don't shine - because that wouldn't be polite. So we all sat there and went over all the principles and talked and talked wee hours in the morning. We didn't get to bed until 4 am.<P>My personality type is INFP (Kiersy temperment sorter), and that is only 1% of the population. Turns out the H of the other couple is also an INFP. Our need to fix was being interpreted as "disrespectful judgements". <P>It was really powerful. All 4 of us thought we were giving 75 out of 100% of the effort in the relationships with our spouse. Well, we decided - that it wasn't the other spouse who was only giving 25%, but that we were all giving 75% in areas that don't count (Emotional needs.)<P>It was really a great night, and I really feel like we got many miles out of this discussion. I am so much encouraged. <P>I realize that God does work behind the scenes, when it seems the darkest - he already has a plan in place. <P>My husband and I got along so well on Sunday, it was unbelievable. <P>Well - thought you guys might like that update.<P>Thank you for your prayers and advice.<P>

Ow Wow TNT!!!!!!!<P>That is so fantastic!!!<P>God really works in strange ways, doesn't he?<P>I'm so happy for you and H - and for that other couple too!!!<P>Hope things continue this way for you and I'm sure they will!!!<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba<P>PS - can't put the rings on - they are broken!!!!! I wore them 3 years longer then he did.....they are better off intertwined with Jesus on the crucifix.

hi tnt, I am so happy to read about your weekend!! Wonderful news. See ya in a few weeks, cl

Wow...that was great fellow INFP person. That's interesting that the other two had that perspective on our personality.<P>God does work in mysterious ways!<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

TNT, IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU HAD A GREAT EVENING OF COMMUNICATION WITH H, AND FRIENDS... I AM JEALOUS BUT ALSO VERY ENCOURAGED THAT IT WAS A MEANINGFUL TIME FOR YOU ALL. I AM PRAYING THAT H AND I WILL START A COUPLES SUPPORT GROUP IN OUR CHURCH, OR WITH FRIENDS. I FEEL THAT COMMUNICATING WITH OTHER COUPLES WILL GIVE SO MUCH BETTER PERSPECTIVE, AND ACCOUNTABILITY.. I KNOW THAT I HAVE A LOT OF RESENTMENT RIGHT NOW AND AM NOT OPEN TO A LOT OF THINGS MY H SAYS TO ME AND WELCOME THE CHANCE FOR OTHERS TO CONFRONT ME WITH CHANGES I DO NEED TO MAKE IN MY LIFE, AND I AM SURE MY H IS AT LEAST TO RESENTFUL TO LISTEN TO MY OPINION EITHER. H DOES NOT WANT TO ADMITT FAULT, THEREFORE NO CHANGE IS NECESSARY ON HIS PART..PLEASE PRAY THAT GOD WILL MKE THIS GROUP A REALLITY EVEN IF H AND I DO NOT PARTICIPAATE.. OUR CHURCH IS FULL OF HURTING COUPLES, AND OUR COMMUNITY IS TOO I'M SURE.....MAYBE YOU CAN DRIVE UP AND JOIN US. IT MUST ONLY BE 5 HOURS OR SO........HOW FAR ARE YOU FROM GRAND FORKS? GOD BLESS YOUR HEALING AND MAY IT BLESS THOSE AROUND YOU!

Lizam - I'm down by Fergus Falls. I think the support group idea through a church sponsored organization is a wonderful idea. I will pray for that, okay? I feel like you are my neighbor out here in Rural Minnesota!<P>Faith - Do you feel like you can't stand people to "munipulate" the rules or agreements? I HATE that when people do that. Just wondering. I thought about bringing that up the other night, but thought I better not, because then we would've stayed up to 6 am instead 4 am. God does work in mysterious ways. I have so much to share with you - I will write you on the email.<P>cl- When you took a week off the forum I thought I was missing you bad. Now 2 weeks? Yuck. Hope your time away is wonderful, and I will miss you - a lot. We have a lot of catching up to do, don't we!<P>Sheba - I guess if you won't wear your rings, then hanging them by your crucifix is just as good. Is it saying your husband and marriage is in God's hands?<P>I've been so exhausted. But I still have some more positives to report on the stepdaughter issue, sorry to leave you all hanging. But God doesn't plan things half way, ya know?<P>God Bless.<BR>TNT

I look forward to hearing from you. Would you have picked than other guy out for a INFP person. I know everyone is unique...but I really have not met too many (ok, not any) like me. I know people like me or not, appreciate me or not, seek me out or don't care to hear what I have to say, but understand me? No, not understand.<P>Just wondered if you felt that yourself.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

TNT- Sounds like things are moving in a positive direction. <P>I am an INFP too. I wonder how many more of us there are here. We could have a introverted party.<P>God bless

Welcome to our 1% club. I believe Chris is a INFP...there are a few others or a few others' spouses. I think Chris may be the only one that is currently posting.<P>What is your H's? My H's is reverse except we share introversion. Yes, it is an interesting relationship.<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

OK - I feel totally excluded !!!<P>What the heck is an INFP?????<P>TNT - Yes, it's in God's hands!!

It is a profile in the Meyers-Briggs personality profile or the Kiersey personality sorter. You can take the test for free...I believe it is www.keirsey.com, but I will check and edit if nec. for sure.

FHL -<P>I had a lightbulb go on and dug through some papers and found mine.<P>I had done this a couple months ago.<P>I am an INFJ - You guys are probers and I am a scheduler - whatever that means!<P>Is that good or bad?<BR>

INFP<P>We are not good schedulers!!! In fact that came up in the conversation. We are always late! Maintenance? Boring boring boring. Using our talents on such boring things!!!!<P>I forget exactly what my husband is, ENTJ or ESTJ anyway a Guardian/Supervisor. <P>Opposite side of the spectrum?<P>Dreamer0707 - This is scarey. You and I have parralel lives sometimes.... :0<P><BR>