Hi. I'm in the middle of a struggling marriage, and I believe I am currently taking all of the right steps to make things better and prevent a divorce, but I need some support right now, as my wife and I only discuss the issues for about 15 minutes a day and ultimately it comes to her statement, which has been about the same for the past 4 days, which is, "I don't know."

It started 4 days ago when I did something very bad, and regret, but would've have never found out the truth if I didn't do it, and our marriage would have deterioted on its own anyway. I hacked into her email. I've been feeling suspicious and paranoid for the past couple of months, and started making attempts to find out. Once I got in, I found strings of letters to and from some guy she met once at a concert that she frequents with her girlfriends.

I confronted her on it, and she claims she never cheated on me, never had an affair, it was just somebody she started to talk to, because they 'connected'. Push came to shove and she claims that this would have never happened if I had given her more attention for the past 10 years of our marriage. She said I never talk to her, that I take all the joy out of life, that I'm not a happy person, and that I have grounded her into the ground.

We have argued in the past, and she has claimed these things before, but I never took her seriously. I guess I always figured she was blowing things out proportion or PMS'ing. But now that the ultimate sh*t has hit the fan, I have had to really examine this, and realize that she is right.

I have told her repeatedly that I can change, that I'm not truly unhappy, but that I've just developed poor habits and behaviors and as a result, often go into a shell.

She has agreed to go into counseling, which we start in 2 days, but she has repeated that she is not keeping high hopes. I fear that she is only doing this for our girls (8 and 2 years old), and not for ourselves as well.

I also fear that I have been withdrawn for so long that she has already felt a kindred connection with somebody else and she may never regain her feelings for me. We have called each other at work the past 2 days, and I say "I love you" before we hang up, but she does not reciprocate.

I want to save this marriage, I still love her very much, and I want to change, not just for her, but for myself to.
I just hope it isn't too late. I think she thinks it might be.

Thanks for any feedback or someone to talk to. I can't talk to my family about this, and only have a few friends I can call to talk about this.

Welcome to Marriage Builders. But I am so sorry that it's under these circumstances. As I read your post I was hurled back into the past...



All of those plus many more rang true as I heard the same words from my former wife.

For starters please read everything here about emotional needs, love busters, disrespectful judgements and many, many other issues tht need to be addressed but for whatever reason we failed to see those needs until we are in the spot that you are now in.

You might want to post in the In Recovery boards and quite possibly Just Found Out . Because of what you have posted and the news that you have discovered about this friend there will be many who will say "affair", at the very least an emotional affair. Both very devastating to a marraige.

But you must remember that regardless of what you wife may say "I don't know" remember that no matter how bad the marraige was it in no way gives one spouse or another to have their needs met outside of the marital relationship. Because of what you have discovered you can be assured that your wife will attempt to convience you that it's all your fault. Listen to what she says, cull out the real truth in her statements and begin changing you. Which of course is the only person you can change.

There are many others here who cah guide, give information and support for what may be a long journey but at this particular time the "Divorced/Divorcing" place is not for you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

My heart goes out to you in what may be a painful journey which leads to a very rich and blessed marraige. Email me at trustinghim@jehovah-rophe.com if ever in need of just an extra bit of encouragement.