Hi all,

I am freaking because my niece has left her husband and kids, got on a plane to another state and is going to meet her online "friend."

Long story short, we are trying desperately to get a hold of this OM. All we have is his cell phone number. My niece's husband called and asked for OM and the person who answered lied through his teeth and said he didn't know any such person. He uses a couple of different names! I called and got an answering machine. The first name was different than what he told my niece, but the last name was the same. It must be him and I am so afraid he is playing her (now that would be a surprise, right? NOT!)


Does anybody have any ideas on what to do next? I've done Intelus and they gave me a LAST NAME ONLY on the account. And it isn't the name this guy has given my niece or the name he answers with on his voice mail. I thought it might be a business name but can't locate any businesses in that area with this name, and it is an unusual name.

What else can we do? Anything? My niece left a note telling her husband she would call him at midnight... God I hope she calls!

Please help -- and pray like crazy!

~ Snow

I don't know what to do, either. But I wanted you to know that I am going to be praying like crazy for you, and her, and her family. Keep posting, let us know how this terrible scenario unfolds.

Isn't it horrible and freaky how all this infidelity stuff is all the same???

So, are you worried that this person has lied and misrepresented himself to your niece? Have you any information about what they talked about in their online conversations? Perhaps that is where your answers lie.

Spidey

I never did understand this online thing. I have been tempted to have an affair and could never do that to my family. I told my H about it. One thing is, why fool yourself,anyone can PRESENT themselves as great. I know that real life will raise it's ugly head someday and then what. And that is in person. Online, one must assume that one is only getting halftruths at best.

I am sorry that your family is having to worry about this. Her poor H. My sympathies to you and esp. him.

jls

Thanks Spidey and jlseagull. Yes, I think he may have misrepresented himself to her... they do in most online affairs, don't they? It is just so incrediblely awful and devestating to her family.... please pray for her safety above all and that her little meeting hits head-on with reality and she wakes up before doing greater damage to her marriage.

~ Snow

Hi Snow. We have never posted to each other (I think) but I will be praying for her and her family. My goodness, what possesses people to just up and abandon their families to go meet some freak they have met on the internet? Who knows what kind of agenda these people have? When your neice gets back I hope you will guide her to this site. Its been a big help to me. Let us know what happens.

Call the police in his area and ask they be on the lookout for a mentally unstable mother. She abandoned her family for an internet meeting and may have put herself in jeporardy. Let the police know that your initial search revealed this person maybe using alias'.

While they can't do anything until a crime has been commited, the police s/b able t/d some survillence. If not ask for a p/i firm they could mention. Some of those servies are made up of off duty police officers.

JMHO,
L.

Hi Shelly... Yes, you just don't know what kind of agenda this OM has. She had almost left a week ago, but when she told her husband she was leaving, he and my sister and BIL and her siblings and members of her church talked her out of it. She and her husband did a no contact letter, but I could tell she was still struggling with the "what-ifs..."

Thing is, she even said she had come to realize how crazy it was to even think of going to meet this guy, how God was certainly not in it (that was her big pull.... that God was miraculously putting them together... yuck.)

Please continue prayers. I have not heard anything yet this morning. Just waiting to hear something.

Orchid, great idea on notifying the police. My niece might indeed be usntable. She has been under treatment for ADD, but might very well be bi-polar. My sister wrote OM on d-day last week and told him that he could very well drive her to suicide if he kept trying to hold onto her. What a nice guy. He paid no attention.

I just feel sick. Maybe a shower will help. Thanks everyone.

~ Snow

Well, don't waste any time with this guy. The OW was my former best friend (FBF), and I pleaded with her the same way, because my H actually had a breakdown and had to go to the ER and a halfway house. But she paid no heed. They just are NOT in reality.

And they are both just following their scripts, aren't they? I heard the "God" rationale from my FWH in the beginning, the OW/FBF really thought she was the one keeping my H from going crazy. She didn't realize her actions were part of the cause. And we had even had a friendship! I knew this woman, and tried to plead with her "humanity."

But they just can't see it. I will pray for your niece's safety, until she can come back to herself. This whole thing just makes me shake my head. What is the world coming to???

Spidey

Very sorry to hear about your niece, Snow.

I've been 'sorta' lurking here for a while, mostly posting on Cardsonly's thread as it pertains mostly to what I've been through. I'd heartily suggest that you read through her thread when you get the chance. It might shed a bit of light on what the whole 'online affair' thing can be like.

I was VERY nearly in your niece's husband's position last year, so I can absolutely feel for him and his family. I had many of the same concerns that you did when my wife's online EA came out and he purchased tickets for her to come to him.

You're entirely right, he may not be what he seemed to be to her while they were online. It's very easy to only show what you want to show in that kind of relationship. And no, she's by no means rational in what she's doing or thinking...but that's pretty much always the case when someone gets into the role of being a WS from what I've learned. And it is very scary that he's using more than one name...that absolutely does make this seem like he may be up to no good. I'd suggest that you have her husband scan through her computer looking for emails, ecards, websites she's gone to, anything to get more information about this guy. Try to find out what flight she got on, and see who purchased the tickets, and how. He might also look back through her phone records for alternate numbers where she might have called this guy at work or whatever.

Snowbelle,

I don't have any additional advice to give you since you've gotten some good ideas already.

I just wanted to say that I'm thinking about you and praying for your family today.

If you need anything, you can email me at faithinme_mb@yahoo.com

Good luck

FIM

Spidey,

You know how the script reads. It is so unreal. And Owl, thanks for your thoughts. My nephew has got all the information he can and we did as much online as we can to this point. She is so in the fog. She did call her husband at 2 a.m. this morning (it was midnight where she was). She told him she is very confused (duh) and mentioned that she might be home today and might bring OM. I told my sister to relay to nephew to go Plan B. Do the letter, make his love known and that he is protecting himself and the kids from further harm. Pick an intermediary they both trust to be the go-between.... all of it. And that by no means is she to return with OM!! OMG!! Setting herself up for fence-sitting I guess ;;;; "Oh, I'll just see my kids and life will go on while I make my choice between my faithful husband and this OM who I don't even really know!"

My huband talked to nephew last night to suggest cutting off any credit cards and bank accounts. Never know what she'll do. They really have no money, though, so even if she "cleans him out" of any cash, it won't go far.

FIM, thanks for the prayers! We all appreciate every single one of them. Keep up the spiritual fight. It's a battle.

~ Snow

P.S. Owl, I have been following the Cardsonly thread. I have mixed feelings about the conversation and I haven't had anything I could add that I would feel was useful. But it certainly does help one see how damaging an internet
"connection" can be. And how hard it is to break away. I hope and pray the best for all who are fighting their way back from any internet relationship. It is all so destructive, as you know. My husband had two affairs, the first one began as a long-distance email relationship with an old high school friend. So I, too, have felt the sting of the way these things go. It is all so false and deceitful. Uggh. Back to work. Thanks for standing with us.

~ Snow

So often on this board the next step has been that the WW shows up, talks nice for a couple of days and then leaves with the kids.

Her H needs to know that this might happen. He won't believe it. He'll believe her - until it actually happens to him.

-AD

I actually got very lucky in my case...because they both reacted in panic mode when I discovered the EA, it caused them both to irrevocably link in their minds the continued EA with my wife flying to be with him...so when she started to struggle with what to do, the OM actually told her to stay and think about things...and that pretty much ended the EA at that time too. It was the deathblow at least.

I think that you're doing the right thing by having your nephew be VERY cautious in how to deal with both the WW and the OM. I'd be VERY concerned that your nephew may react badly if the OM shows up as well...I know what would have happened in my case at least.

Do NOT let her have unrestricted access to the kids at this point...if they're young, she may well try to take them back to where the OM lives.

I'd also suggest that you continue to learn as much as you can about the OM...in case this DOESN'T end any time soon.

Notify all around her H and the children of what she might do. Include daycare and teachers. Since you don't really know the OM you don't know if he is safe or not. Work on that premise.

If the OM does show up, your nephew will have a plan. He may even want to notify the police in your nephew's area.

Bi=polar or being unstable is not safe for a spouse or children. Don't assume it w/b ok. Assume it will not and he will be better prepared.

Tell your nephew to take care. U 2 <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

AD,

My niece showing up to take the kids is a real possibility and one my nephew will be on guard against. She won't be left alone with the kids at all.

Owl, I am hoping this will resolve much like your situation. I am praying that this will wake up my niece and the OM... before this goes much further. But I am discouraged that she actually wanted to return home and BRING OM WITH HER!!! My nephew is doing well under the circumstances. He is not the type to react violently even face to face with this guy, but as you and I both know there is always the chance to be overcome with emotion and all hell could break loose (wait a second, all hell has already broken loose!).

Orchid, sound advice again. I will pass it on.

Thanks you all for your support. It means a lot to me right now.

~ Snow

Well, I've got to say that I'm of the opinion that the meeting in person could have a serious negative impact on the outcome here. One of the 'good' things in my case was that they never did get the chance to meet in person...luckily things ended without getting to that point.

If she's met him, and neither of them were totally repulsed by the other, then that just added some serious fuel to the fire...because it makes the 'fantasy' a little more concrete, but it's not had the chance to be ruined by reality yet.

Keep us posted on what's going on, Snow. I've been praying for your nephew and his family.

Had an update on my niece yesterday. Not real encouraging. Owl you are absolutely right that the actual meeting is a huge drawback. It is making the fantasy seem like real life (which we all know it is NOT).

My nephew-in-law (NIL? LOL) talked to my niece yesterday and outlined his requirements. Told her he loved her and would welcome her back home with open arms but she had to a) make a choice by Friday and be prepared to live with it (I am assuming that living with it means no contact with OM) and b) continue counseling. There were other ground rules, but these were the ones my sister passed on to me.

Another nephew, my niece's brother, text messaged his sister to please return to the family where she is loved. She texted him back "don't worry. I'll be home on Sunday."

If she's to make a decision by Friday, why would she be planning on staying until Sunday if she was going to choose her husband and kids? I know. Don't even bother to try reason with the foggy mind. And hers is definitely down to zero visibility right now.

Another bad omen. When her husband sent a couple of pix of the kids from his camera phone to her camera phone she texted to him, "will you just let me breathe?" If that ain't guilt screaming, I don't know what is. My sister told him to let her be. I think that is solid advice.

My sister has asked my NIL to come here but I don't think he has yet. I sure hope he does. The poor guy has his hands full. He works every evening and with three kids, the other members of the family (my sister, BIL, niece and nephew and his wife) are taking turns caring for the three little ones left behind in all of this. Breaks my heart for all the pain everyone is going through because two people are so wrapped up in what they feel, and what they want that they are so callous to everyone else's feelings and needs.

I guess I am just frustrated today. I've texted my niece a couple of times and sent her an email but she doesn't answer me. So I'll just wait along the sidelines with everyone else who loves her and cares about her and pray like crazy she makes the right decision to return to her family.

~ Snow

Snow-

Sorry to have been proven right in this. In my case, I made it completely clear to my wife that if she got on the plane, she would have lost me completely out of her life forever. She was very much in the fog, imagining that we would somehow all end up happy with her living with him, and all three of us somehow 'sharing' our kids. But a big part of what actually made her stop and think was when she realized that I was serious...that she would not only have destroyed our marriage, but our friendship as well. I think that it was THAT realization, along with what it would do to our kids, that made her START thinking for the first time in quite a while. In her case as well, the choice to go was a 'spur of the moment' reaction to getting caught. They hadn't had the chance to really plan things out. I'm not sure if this is true in your niece's case or not.

Now that she's met with (and probably been physically intimate with) the OM, that changes the dynamics of this situation quite a bit. It's only going to strengthen her belief that this was all 'meant to be'. It may end up in this case that the only chance her husband will have will be when the reality starts to set in later on down the road...and that will depend on whether or not HE still feels like trying to work things out.

Keep praying.