I have some questions for the MB’rs that have been able to get their marriage back together or is in the progress of recovery.

How long did it take for your WS to come out of the fog? What kind of time frame did you go through?

When they did come out of the fog did they come to some realization on what they actually did? Was there a moment of “Enlightenment”?

Was it normal for the WS to try and place blame on you while still in the fog? Was it normal for them to focus only on your faults and not even talk about their affair?

Did the WS talk of their future without you in it when they were in the fog?

Where are you and your WS today?

The reason I am asking is because I just want to hear some success stories of BS’s that have gone through the same thing I am going through right now. I am desperately holding onto hope by practicing the MB principles. I know of no other way. I struggle everyday on whether I should continue to try or to give up. I’m afraid if I give up to early and my WW comes out of the fog I will regret it. We have a son together I do not want to let down. I believe he deserves a household with 2 loving parents. He is the only thing holding me together. I’m also afraid that I may be wasting my time for the next couple of years. Of course it has only been 4 months now since I found out about the A. I guess I’m just impatient. I just like to hear stories that can give me some hope and most importantly what to expect. This way I will have the strength to go on.

My WW does give me these little hints that tell me not to give up yet but she is sure making it difficult. She has told me she is not sure of what she is doing. I’ve asked her in the past if there is a chance for us and she can only say that she does not know. She also does not want a divorce. But on the other hand she went on a weekend trip to the ocean with the OM 3 weekends ago and continues to talk to him.

Since that weekend I’ve come to the conclusion it is probably time for Plan B. Would you agree?

She now has her own apartment and refuses NC. The OM is married himself with 3 children of his own. I made sure his whole family knows and my WW family knows as well.

Bobby,

I am pretty much in the same boat as you ... a betrayed spouse employing a seperated Plan A. I would like to know the same things as you, because I am experiencing the same ... refusal to NC with the OW, no acknowlegement for all the pain and suffering his affair has caused me and our children, instead only blame for his dissatisfaction that caused him to engage in a secret second life.

After my spouse finally admitted to the affair in November, I committed a lot of love busters, especially angry outburst and disrespectful judgements. Since he moved out at the end of April, I have been much more successful in being kind and showing him what a lovely life we could have together. He also says that he does not want to divorce. He claims that the affair is over, but he still works together with the other woman and they even drive to work together and go to lunch together. This is is entirely unacceptable to me and I will not accept him back until he is willing to write and follow through with a no contact letter.

It is difficult to remain patient and hopeful. I am trying to take it a day at a time and work a lot on myself and becoming a better person.

How long did it take for your WS to come out of the fog?
Almost two years now...sadly my WS is still in the fog

What kind of time frame did you go through?
I tried saving my marriage by inplementing MB methods the best i could for 19 months then i filed the papers

When they did come out of the fog did they come to some realization on what they actually did? Was there a moment of “Enlightenment”?
I have read MANY stories that MOST do...if they have strong values and good upbringing

Was it normal for the WS to try and place blame on you while still in the fog? Was it normal for them to focus only on your faults and not even talk about their affair?
YES...YES and YES

Did the WS talk of their future without you in it when they were in the fog?
YES

Where are you and your WS today?
We are divorcing because my WS has flaws in his character...he will never quit and i will be left outside waiting forever. That is not an option i like.

There are lots and lots of success stories...these stories were what kept me going too.

Now i am so happy...i dont care about WS nor am i obsessed about him or OW anymore.

There light at the end of the tunnel...keep to the higher road.

If i were you...i will plan B WS immediately...just my own opinion...

Take care and hang in there.

Thanks Lost and zizzy,

So it looks like this could take a long time. I'm hoping to hear from someone that is having some success with this. I'm at a point on whether I should make a decision to stop trying. I'm wondering if it's really worth it.

I don't believe in the fog.
BUT.....my H was involved with the OW for almost a year. Saying that....I mean that he was addicted to her for about a year.


There is no enlightenment for what they actually did. They are fully aware of what they are doing while it's happening.

ALOT of WS have this way of keeping the door open for the BS. Kinda like a safety net in case it doesn't work out with the OW/OM. They see the BS pulling away and they throw in their line and reel the BS back in where they want them. In that...they feel that the BS is always going to be there.
They get comfortable knowing that the BS is someone they can always go back to.

Sometimes....Plan B....which I never did enlightens the WS.
Sometimes it doesn't. You have to be prepared to go down either path.



Of course it's normal. If they didn't blame the BS then they would have to place the blame soley on themselves. The blame is justification for what they are doing. Of course it's not the WS's fault they had an A....that is impossible isn't it?

The WS does not see the A as having anything to do with their marriage. So it's not something that the WS is going to bring up. The A is none of the BS's business.

Again....focusing on the BS's faults is justification in the WS's mind for the A.



Of course.....I was told:

Even if the OW wasn't in the picture we had no chance.
You should find a boyfriend.
I'm happy being alone....which he never was.

It's classic.



Well...my H is a FORMER WS (FWS).

Well...I don't look at life with rose colored glasses on anymore....so to be honest. We are in a normal marital relationship.

I know he wants to be with me and loves me because his actions follow and somtimes speak louder than his words.

We take life a day at a time now and make sure that we never assume the other knows what we are thinking. We make sure that we both work through our problems rather than leaving each other to deal with it.

If I'm not happy...he's not happy and if he's not happy...I'm not happy.

Thanks Priss,

I understand that I'm in the early stages now and that I am my WW's "back up plan". I don't like being the second choice but I guess in order to save my family I have to accept that.

Thanks

I don't know yet if I am truly a success story - but here is what happened to me.

H lost interest in me several years back.

About 2 1/2 yrs. ago He started to change - I knew something was wrong but didn't know what.

About 2 yrs ago I overheard phone conversation that sounded too "intimate." They were talking about me. That was in October.

January - party at my house. They danced together often (he never danced with me) and I noticed how they were looking at each other. I still didn't believe it.

March - Found text messages on phone - too intimate. Confronted. He denied.

March 2 weeks later - further evidence. I blew up, accused him of A. He denied, calmed me down, etc.

Mother's Day - found e mails showing proof positive of PA - had been going on for almost a year (PA) by that time. EA started a year or so before that. I consider Mother's Day Dday.

Hired P.I.

Enough evidence to protect me in court gathered by Sept. (including videotape) - I exposed to OWH and then to everyone else in the world. I went on ADs.
H very angry. They continued trying to meet and talk, and tm all day every day.

Nov. - Dec. I think she started trying to dump him. She was afraid of me and afraid of losing her kids. I didn't know that - I only sensed a change.

I still saw no progress. Buying secret cell phones, secret post office boxes, etc. Continued contact.

Feb. - found letter on computer begging her to dump her H and marry him. Also text messages referring to new secret phone. I reached the point I couldn't take any more and needed to protect myself.

March - Plan B letter served with divorce papers. (Not exactly MB, but it was what I felt I had to do to protect myself financially.) Plan B lasted 5 days.!!

We e mail- he says it's over. I am not sure. However, since then, we've been back together. I discovered further contact in late March - blew up, hit ceiling, etc. He finally says "I got it."

Finally got NC letter 1 week ago. I think/hope/pray I am finally in recovery/withdrawal.

It has been 1 year since Dday - 2 1/2 yrs. from onset of PA, 3 yrs (or more) since beginning of EA. I just got NC letter one week ago.

Now, why should you care about this?

1. The A went on a long, long time by most standards.

2. When I exposed, I did not see any immediate results except anger and hatred from WH.

3. After exposure, took 5 months before I reached Plan B readiness.

4. Even after end of Plan B, it took 6 weeks to get NC letter.

5. Still waiting for any sign of remorse. Oh, he says he's sorry I was hurt, but hasn't really come to the point where he REALLY understands my hurt, or cares to do anything about it, or try to make it up to me somehow. Refuses counseling.

You see, I could have given up at any point. I could have stopped trying anywhere along the way. But right now I have hope for the future. A year ago I had little hope. Even now, I am facing a long road of withdrawal and recovery that could last 6 months - two or 3 years, as I understand it. But it is worth it to me. Only you can decide what it is worth to you.

Hope this helps some.

starz,

That is what I needed to hear. I keep debating whether it is too early to throw in the towel. I think that I'm going to see this through. Well, it looks like it's going to be a long year or more.

This is the first time I have every considered myself a success story. My FWH and I love each other very much. Looking back over the past year I see that my husband is a different man. He is not the man I married or the man that had an affair. I am in love with the man I see and when I get home I am going to tell him.

My Success Story -

My FWH affair started in April 04. He slept with her for the first time on May 19, 2004 and left me the next week. I was blindsided. I had no idea.

July 6, 2004 FWH told me about the affair. I started Plan A and did not even know that was what I was doing. He moved home on August 9,2004.

We went to church with the OW. It was very public. My husband was the drummer for the church. There was about 1000 members. Not all of them knew but I felt they did. We continued to go to church and see the OW for about 6 months.
It was very hard on me and our son. The OW told our 11 year old son that she was sleeping with his father.

We left the church in Feb 2005. My FWH has been very remorseful. He asked for forgiveness and a second chance. We are doing great!!! We love each other. I do struggle. It has not quite been a year. We both want this to work and we recognize our mistakes. We have a better marriage and it continues to get stronger everyday. I do not want the marriage I had.

It takes alot of hard work. You need to pray and ask God to help you.

Good Luck