My children always have a 4 day weekend for Pentecost, which is this coming weekend. It used to be my tradtion to take the kids to the beach that weekend, usually with a girlfriend and her kids. That was before this so-called girlfriend became the OW in my husband's life.

Now I am planning a different trip with just my daughters and my husband said that he would like to join us. We are currently seperated and in Plan A. (He says the A is over, but he is unwilling to go NC with the OW.) I was at first, quite happy that he wanted to join us. I am feeling strong enough now that I could enjoy the time together without bringing up relationship talk or committing any LBs. When I told the kids that their father would be joining us, the 10 year old was elated and the 17 year old balked. She doesn't want to spend the weekend playing perfect family and perfect world: she says I am living on false hopes. My children were aware of the affair long before I was.

What shall I do? Uninvite my husband? Leave the 17 year old behind?

Why not tell your WH about her reaction and let him try to talk to her about it. Let him get a taste of her anger towards him and try to talk it through with her. TT

Incidentally, this whole betrayal is bad enough with a complete stranger being the OW. It must be terrible having your girlfriend do this to you. I'm so sorry for the loss of your friendship here - double whammy. TT

IMHO, your WS needs to be the one who helps your D feel safe. She doesn't want to live a facade of a family when reality will hit hard after that weekend. It really isn't worth it.

Also it is high time the WS show his family how much he really appreciates them by going the extra mile to prove his love for his family. Not short term spurts but real long lasting love. He will have to work harder than ever to replace what the A lost.

This is one of those times where it becomes evident that the A damages more than the BS. Be real. Don't lie for the WS or with the WS to your children.

L.

Thanks T and Orchid!

I just called WH at work and calmly told him about our 17 year old daughters reaction upon hearing that he wants to join us on the trip. He immediately said that he would not go then. I said, well I have an event that I am managing tonight, why don't you come over after work and have dinner with the girls and then you can talk to your daughter about it. He has agreed.

This was the first conflict situation I have handled without a panic attack and not a hint of a LB! It is not just the anti-depressant medication, it is also all the information and support that I have found here.

Even if WH isn't out of the fog yet, I am making progress. Thank you!!!

lost,

It sounds like you handled that perfectly. I am no MB expert, but I think that you should let him know that you would like him to go but not beg. And yes, let him handle the prob with the 17yo. But I somtimes tell my D14 (nicely) that she has a lot left to experience in life and she might very well think differently if she had been M 9 yrs and had 2 kids....and remind her gently of how much SHE has changed in jsut a few years.

Just wanted to let you know that lots of us read and don't post, but our thoughts are with you. I posted to you once about your depression, glad that things are a little better!

jls

I didnt know there would be so many supportive people here.
I only found this site today after doing a google search on marriage advice.
I am glad there is a place like this where people can tell their problems & share advice.
I just wanted to wish you the best of luck.

SH
Perfect timing ... Perfect response
H

There are tons here who want to help

jls,

...and I am thankful for your post. You all have made me realize that I need to look after myself, get a grip on my life again, and start living again. My life is not just my husband and my marriage, its a big part of it and means a lot to me and I am going to do everything I can to save it, but I do have a life that is worth living without my husband.

I got home late last night and the kids were asleep. I went running early in the morning before making breakfast. I asked my 17 year old how her talk with her father went. She said that he will not be joining us this weekend.

WH came to pick up the older daughter to take her to the train to school and said he would call me from work this morning. Again, it is time to gather my strength, remain calm, and remember no love busters. I would love to just say, "Do you get it yet? Your affair IS your family's business and it has caused us enough pain and anguish already. We can heal the damage together, but you have to make the first step. Your family needs to feel safe again. I need to know that your loyalty is with me and not the OW. The first step is a letter of no contact ever again. The longer you delay, the more difficult and longer the healing process will be."

I know that won't work though. So what do I say?

B 4 u do anything, u need to define YOUR boundaries and implement them.

As a parent this includes taking your children's feelings into consideration. That is why it is MHO that no WS is a 'good' parent. They may want to look like one and the BS may want to think the WS is a good parent but in reality and to the children, a WS is never a good parent. In fact an Xws is barely reaching a level t/b acknowledged as a parent yet has a ways to go t/b a valuable one. When the trust is lost it is lost for the entire family.

I realized that for my survival, I needed to partner with my son and move forward as a family. So I learned to present any issue to the WS as coming from both my son and I. It made it very difficult for the WS to hurl those painful arrows of deceit and lies when we stook as a united family (son and I). The OW even tried by she could even come close to us. My son even at the tender age of 6 learned to be strong and that encouraged me. To this day we are very close. My H is learning how to bond with his son but many years were wasted with his A and he regrets it deeply. Can't wallow in sorrow, just need to move forward and make the future better.

Sometimes I get angry when I think of all our son's formative years when his dad was really never around. Not in spirit and often not in reality. The WS' mind is wrapped around themselves and some even sacrifice their own flesh and blood in pursuit of an A. How distgusting.

With those thoughts in my mind, it was easier to go to plan B and now that the survival of my family was at stake. I no longer worried about the survival of the WS. In fact I wanted the WS to fail (as a WS). The one I wanted back was H and NOT the WS. So to see the WS homeless, poor and sick was not something that made me sad. It made me angry that he would allow himself to sink to that level and it drove me to make sure I was not going to allow him to pull us to that level of despair.

Just my thoughts.

L.

Thanks,Orchid L.

I just talked to WH on the phone about his conversation with D17 and his decision not to accompany us. He said that her feelings about not wanting to go on a trip together had nothing to do with the affair or her no longer wanting to play "perfect world, perfect family" for his benefit, but rather that she was a teenager and didn't really enjoy sharing hotel room with her 10 year old sister --- she prefers a 3 bed room. He also said that D17 would feel fine abouthim joining us if we were going to our cabin in the mountains this weekend.

Ja, whatever.

So, I will talk to the girls when they get home from school today and see what they want to do and where they want to go. Like you said, we are a team and since this weekend is about the kids and rewarding them for all their hard work at school, I will let them decide this one.

As to boundaries, I have set one very clip and very clear. He can not move back home until he has agreed to NC and no longer works together with OW. No, he can not be "just friends" or "just colleagues" with her; that is a fact that he himself has already proven. No, I am not being unreasonable or demanding and no I will not comprimise on this point and no, I will not even discuss a comprimise on this point. Period.

As to the other stuff, I've established that he can only enter the house upon my invitation. I invite him to come over and "do" stuff ---maintenance, repairs, etc. Things he stopped doing about the same time I believe the A started. After he has done his chores he gets rewarded by a really nice meal at a nicely set table (I am one hell of a good cook btw <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />) and then he gets to see his nice clean house and his lovely, well-behaved and cheerful daughters and converse with his intelligent, sexy wife (<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> at least I do my best on this part --- the OW is no competition with all those flies between her knees)and then I shoo him off to his lonely appartment just as I turn on some nice music and light a fire in the fireplace...

IF the kids decide for the weekend at the cabin, of course my main focus will remain their enjoyment, but I will also spend time asking hubby questions (non-relationship ones) and show my interest and fascination. There are slowly signs that H is returning, perhaps I can coax him back, but I've learned not to believe he is back until he has agree to NC...

It's hard to protect my heart and still show him that it is worth coming back.

I invite him to come over and "do" stuff ---maintenance, repairs, etc. Things he stopped doing about the same time I believe the A started.

Hire out one or two of these chores...

batt your eyes and say ..
"Oh I didn't think you were interested in messing with that...."

more reality for him..but do it nicely...

ARK^^

So, how handsome can this hired help be? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Flat tight abs and butt you could crack an MnM on never hurt anyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Ain't that the truth. Not only their absence, but all the pain and destruction left in their wake has to be dealt with by the BS. WS just doesn't see it and pobably never will.

Anyway, I just thought that I would let you all know that D17 and D10 decided on going to the cabin instead of the beach. They love to go there; it it alsways an adventure. We need to hike in carrying a heavy load of provients and there is always repair work to do after the winter, but they love it. No electricity, no running water, but a spring and a wood-burning oven/stove. WH will be joining us for the entire 3 days and nights. D17's boyfriend will join us for one.

Wish me luck and no LBs!