Hello. Trying to find some free advice before turing to a professional. Here is the story. We have been married almost 1 year. I have seen a gradual decline in my wife's drive for both sex and for affection. I almost have to beg for an affectionate kiss and for her to show me some affection in general. We haven't had sex for at least one month. We had a discussion tonight and she said that the thought of sex makes her stomach hurt. I know her ideas of how often and my ideas are far apart, but we are only 23 and I think that we should be able to meet in the middle. I am not expecting it everyday, but when the mood is right, like for instance, we recently had a very romantic dinner, followed by me giving her a candlelit full body massage, when done i layed next to her to give her a kiss, and she gave me a peck, said thanks, and proceeded to get ready for bed. I think that it should be normal for her to experience some sort of desire every once in a while but it seems as though she doesn't want to be affectionate/passionate with me at all. I feel really unwanted and uninteresting. I have tried being super romantic, and I always make sure her needs are met, but I am running out of ideas and have no idea of how to light her fire. Please help us find that passion we once had!

I don't know if I can help since I just found out my wife had an affair, but to be honest. Having an enjoyable sex life has not been the problem.

I would only suggest that there is something else wrong. My wife went through a similar spell, but it was due to my lack of me meeting her emotional needs. I would recommend doing anything you can to make her feel good about herself. Saying how nice she looks, how great the house looks after the chores are done, etc. I am still struggling with meeting the emotional side especially after the affair. But her emotional well being will help her want to be with you.

On the other hand, perhaps she does have a physical problem or an emotional trauma with a past sexual experience. Have you outright asked her about the past? Or question her if she would like to do something to improve her drive.

If you have not done it, you need to make some time with you wife where the both of you are refreshed and can have an open discussion. Tell her before hand there are some things you would like to discuss and they are important to you. MAKE SURE you are non-threatening, gentle, kind, loving, considerate and discuss how you feel. It is open communication that will make your marriage stronger and long lasting. Reassure her you love her no matter what, but you want to understand if there is something going on. Explain how it makes you feel. I know us guys have a hard time with feelings, so use a format like I feel __a feeling__, about ___ the situation___, ____ because ____.

I hope that helps.

Art

First I would like to say Hi. Bud i'm in the same exact boat except my wife and I have been married for 9 months and she hasn't made love to me since our wedding night. It was the most awsome sex we ever had and then bamn. nothing. After reading around on these boards I'm still alittle stumped but coming to better conclusions. I also pretty much have to beg for affection. I came from a very affectionate family. To this day I still kiss my mom and dad on the lips and give them a great big hug when I say Hi and buy. Some of my friends think its wierd that I also kiss my dad but thats all I know I guess. I also feel hurt and unwanted. Never time for sex and I also get the my stomach hurts. Its o.k. sometimes when I would start slow and not go to deep. I'm not trying to be a bone head or and macho dude but I am bigger then average so sometimes I can see her point when I get excited and dig deep. Sorry ladies.
I have tried the romatic thing and I get the same out come. Thanks for dinner and the foot rub (as she rolls over and gets ready for bed. I get no goodnight, no kiss just rolls over watches tv and falls asleep as I lay there everynight hurt and very insecure. I have never felt insecure and now I'm doubting myself. I don't know just thought I would let you know your not alone.

I would like to aim this reply at both of you in this situation. I don't know how long you have been together overall, or if you lived together before you got married. But, I experienced this with my husband, in reverse, when we first moved in together. I'm not sure why, but it did go away after we talked about it alot and I learned that I needed to just back off a little. I agree with the other advice being given. You need to focus on other aspects of the relationship, even though it's difficult. By constantly reminding someone of what they are doing wrong though, is not a solution, they need positive reinforcement and patience.

I am in the opposite situation. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I do all of those things for my husband, and I get nothing in return <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I will always get the, I need to shower, or I am too tired, or something. We have discussed this, and he says that he has no intimate feelings. He doesn't have the sparkle for me like he used to have when he looked at me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Talk about making your stomach hurt! Felt like someone knocked the wind out of me. Says he still likes it when we do, but sometimes kissing me is like kissing his sister... Talk about another blow to the stomach.

Can you re-cover from this? I want to see what others say about YOU and Your situation, as I am also interested in finding out. It isn't a good feeling, I can relate!