I never post here on JFO and rarely on RECOVERY, but I thought this might be useful.
I ran across this today in a sort of serendipitous fashion. It's useful in all areas of life, but particularly for betrayed spouses still close to d-day. It's a quote from Bob Parsons, founder of GoDaddy.com, about how to accomplish absolutely anything. It's better if you read the whole article, here:
How to Accomplish Anything by Bob Parsons But here is the salient point:
I learned many important lessons in Viet Nam. First and foremost, I learned that I have the ability to make it through anything - no matter how difficult. I learned that if I'm in a difficult situation, I need to do two things. The first and most important thing is to determine and accept the worst thing that can possibly happen. It's important to do this, because once you accept the worst thing that can happen, you can then stop worrying about it happening. There is nothing more debilitating than useless worry. The second important thing is to take things one day at a time. Humans, for whatever reason, are able to deal with any difficulty for short periods of time. Doing this makes any task or undertaking seem achievable. It's when we picture something as insurmountable, or look at the entire task, that we run into trouble. Tremendous achievements are done in small steps.
The first thing you need to do to "survive" infidelity is to accept the worst case scenario, not as a possibility but as most probable fact. What paralyzes you and keeps you jumping through the hoops they and the OP set up for you (primarily to keep you too busy to effectively act to protect yourself) is the fear and worry that you will lose your spouse.
My recovery began the day I accepted that my marriage as I knew it was over and that a speedy separation and divorce was the most practical and sensible option. I grieved my marriage for a few moments, and it hurt, but even that grieving wasn't as painful as dangling and waiting for their "decision" on
my marriage. And after a few moments of grieving, I started pursuing separation and divorce. Calmly, in an organized and dispassionate fashion (which for a type Four is practically a miracle if we can order dinner in a dispassionate fashion, so that's saying something.)
TogetherAlone hit on something profound in her post to me on RECOVERY. (And I hope she'll forgive me for making her a Case Study!) Detachment is key. And the key to detachment, to follow Parson's logic, is to accept and admit defeat. Then fall back, regroup, and set a new goal. For Parsons, it wasn't surviving Vietnam. It became surviving till the next day's mail call--just because mail call was a source of great pleasure. For Together Alone, it seems she gained detachment when she accepted her "failure" to "make" her husband feel less anxious. When her goal became "remaining in herself and true to herself" she found she was able to accomplish it. Sans the pointless worry and expended energy of trying to "fix" her husband's problems.
When I accepted that I couldn't stop H's affair, I stopped trying. I stopped worrying about it. I detached. I set new goals: getting myself healthy and learning how to have a healthy fidelity-prone relationship. I stopped pursuing and interfering with their affair. And a funny thing happened. But the funny thing that happened isn't the point. If it hadn't happened, I would still be okay. I'd be divorced and okay.
Today I'm post d-day 3 years. Still married. Goofily happy. To a FWH who adores me, pursues me, and bears only a passing resemblance to the man he was three years ago. Still good looking, yeah. Still funny. Still sweet. But now healthier. Now happier. Now sans the gaping hole in his self-esteem and crater in his relationship with God.
Just in case you wonder if it ever works out.
