Hi.
This is my first time on here and I dont quite know what I am doing, but I desperately need advice about a problem in my marriage. Anyone feel like listening??

I'd be glad to listen.

me too.

thanks frozen..
I am really worried because I love my husband more than anything but lately don't think he feels that way towards me anymore.He has become very withdrawn. I tohught men always wanted sex, but my husband couldnt care less.And that bothers me because I still want him.
Well- we just had our 12 yr anniversary.To try & get close again we went on a
cruise.. It was nice, but as soon as we got back home, we weren't close any more.
Most of the time our marriage is really good.... as long as there is nothing bad happening( ex: no illness, financial problems...etc)but Monday I lost my job and my husband hit the roof instead of reassuring me that it would be ok & I would find another job.
Now he is making my life miserable..

dont know how to fix it..

Have you read His Needs, Her Needs by Harley? You can buy it at the top of the page by clicking on "Bookstore". In addition to visiting General Questions (which focuses on infidelity -- do you think your husband is having an affair?) you might try reading in the Emotional Needs Forum also. Read the articles on the web site also.

First of all....in order to fix a problem. You must know what the problem is.

Second....it may not be a problem that YOU need or can fix.

Have you asked your H why he is so distant?

First Off, welcome to Marriage Builders. For the overall picture, I'd recommend reading all the information on this site and it would also be benificial to read his needs/her needs. I think if you did a poll you'd find that many marriages go through stail periods at the 5 yr and 12 yr mark. But by modifying your communication and meeting his emotional needs things can improve.

As to the matter at hand, it appears that y'all don't handle stress well together. May I ask what happened at your job? What are you prospects for future employment?

My husband isnt having an affair.
That would make more sense if he was, but I knowfor certainty that he isnt which confuses me even more.
I know - how can I be sure he isnt??
I know what hours he works& he works a 12 hour shift & he calls me from his work to say hi a lot & etc & i know he is there because I hear all the background noises there..
Anyway - he doesnt go anywhere afterwards - he comes right home to me.
The problem isnt infidelity with him - it is that we are drifting apart & he is kind of accepting it.It is like he has become used to the idea that we get along & live in the same house & we have a daughter together , but he doesnt need it to be any more romantic or deep than that.
I dont get it.
I am passionate about how I feel for him. I still love him as much now as when I married him... I can tell it isnt the same with him & I am afraid of losing him & us drifting even more..

I want to say thanks you guys for listening to me & helping because this is the most important thing in the world to me and I know you guys could be listening to other people on here.

As for trying to get to the root of the problem -
I wish it was that simple.
and yes - before I posted on here I read the Q&A and the answers he has given & a lot of it is good & sound advice. Now I need personalized help.
See - my husband just thinks I am worried over nothing.. but like I said we are rarely intimate anymore,, that was my first red flag.
I lost my job basically because I didnt kiss [censored]. wanta get technical? I lost my job due to what they called "personal use of the company email"
I emailed my sister to find out when we were meeting on mother's day.. everyone at the office uses the email for personal use.. No one else got fired! My boss has never liked me even though I always worked hard & even liked my job despite all that.
My husband yelled at me & called me stupid & said I shouldn't have given them a reason to fire me , but I honestly didnt see it coming.
Now he will hardly talk to me & everything he says is hurtful & sarcastic.. My sister has an interview set up for me for tomorrow at the place she works. It isnt enough to ease my husband's mind & make him calm down.
I am scared & worried too , but at the end of the day I needed to know that he was on my side & I dont feel that.
Just a lot of guilt!

“””See - my husband just thinks I am worried over nothing..”””

And his feelings are valid, he may truly believe that there is nothing wrong. This is an area where some improved communication skills will help you get your point across, while at the same time not invalidating his feelings. I’d further recommend that you navigate through the “Basic Concepts” area of the site and learn about the Love Bank. It also talks about communicating without Love Busters, Selfish Demands, and Disrespectful Judgments, which are key in improving your communication. It’s also imperative that you find out what your husbands emotional needs are. You may gauge your relationship by intimacy and that may be a high need for you, but not for him. Maybe his high needs are going unmet. Maybe one of his high needs is Financial Security, so this job thing was a huge blow to him.

Now on to the job thing for just a moment, I’m huge on personal responsibility and being accountable for ones own actions. You said you lost your job because you wouldn’t kiss [censored], your boss doesn’t like you, everyone was doing it, etc…. But bottom line is that YOU broke company policy and lost your job. Your co-workers did not send that e-mail to your sister neither did your boss. The only reason I bring that up is so you can explore other areas of your life and relationship with your husband and see where YOUR responsibility is.

That being said, I do not agree with the way your husband handled things. Name calling and yelling are not effective ways to communicate.

Bill,
Thanks for being brutally honest.
I take responsibility for the loss of my job.I am so sorry that it happened.
I was shocked that after being there 2 years that was how it ended.
And I know my husband is worried that things will be tight on him if I don't find something else soon.
Supposedly my sister can get me in where she works. (I meet her boss tomorrow. He has told me that if he likes me I can start monday.) pretty much a done deal.
I thought that would help ease my husband's worrying.
It didnt seem to matter one way or another. I know he takes pride in making sure we always have enough money.
That is VERY important to him & he is a good provider.
But right now - more than being scared of being out of work I am scared of what I just realized about my husband. how we relate to each other in a time of crisis! I worry now that any time anything goes wrong he will blow up.

Hi SH,

I just wanted you to know that there IS alot of insightful and wise support here! Just reading alot helps too. You might want to wander over to Emotional Needs forum also.

That said, I disagree with LostHusband. If you think that it is important or are worried about something, then H shouldn't invalidate YOUR feelings. Alot of people here on GQ have said,"IF I only had known.." . Well you should gently tell your H what is bothering you. He may not want to listen, ask him when would be a good time (sincerely, with no sarcasm). Keep trying to communicate, but as i have been told, Men think that you are nagging, so watch that line, it is fine. Perhaps you could suggest Marriage Counseling (MC).

I can relate to your problem, my H downplays our probs, but secretly he is very resentful. This is not healthy.

Good Luck,
jls

"""That said, I disagree with LostHusband. If you think that it is important or are worried about something, then H shouldn't invalidate YOUR feelings."""

I never said it was OK for him to invalidate her feelings, I did say that his feelings are VALID as well and she should seek to improve her communication with her husband.

JLS,
thank you.
I want so badly to fix everything, but I think my biggest question is - what about when this is all said & done and I have a job again? Do we just go back to normal?
Because "normal" hasnt really been all that great lately even before I lost my job.
I dont think that me being out of work is the core of the apple here.
I worry that my husband also has secret resentment.
I don't think he would have said all the mean things he said to me if he didnt.Me losing my job opened up the window of opportunity for him to get vocal.
And just when I think we can get past it - I try to tell him I want things to be good between us and I dont want to fight... he brings something else back up & throws it in my face so it is like we cant ever try to get back on common ground. I am walking on eggshells around him right now.
He stormed out of the house this morning & I dont even know where he is right now.
The only thing he told me when I just called him is that he will be back in time to pick up our daughter from school.
I wish my husband was on here talking to someone about what he is going through right now, because I would give anything to read it and know what to say to him that wouldnt make him get defensive or sarcastic towards me.I know what a lot of you out there are thinking right now - get him a journal - right?
make him write down his feelings...
He wont be truthful if he knows I am going to read it.
He will say something else to further his fuel.

“””I want so badly to fix everything”””

OK, but begin that process by realizing where your power and control is. The only thing or person that you can “fix” is yourself. As I’ve mentioned, the Basic Concepts, area of this site gives you a pretty good map to makes fixes in yourself that can have a positive influence on your marriage.

“””what about when this is all said & done and I have a job again? Do we just go back to normal?”””

Gosh, I hope not, I would hope that you’d explore this site, institute changes within yourself, and experience personal as well as marital growth.

I realize that I am not perfect and that I have to make sure I am doing all I can to make this mariage happy.I know it starts with me.
I know very well that Blame and Pride have no place in a marriage. It killed me yesterday to call my husband & tell him I love him after I was pretty convinced he should have been the one saying it to me.
I am sure that if I hadnt done that we would still not be talking right now.. because he wasnt going to be the one to give in first.. see -that kind of stuff bothers me because I want to look at the big picture - which is this -
am I happier with him in my life or without him?
I would never be happy again if I lost him. so I let him think he won.. that I gave in first!!
What if after everything I confirm what I am most afraid to face?
That as much as I am willing to fight for him & work for him - he wont do the same for me?
scares the hell out of me.