Hello everyone. This is Michele's stomping grounds. I have to say after the show aired and all the negative comments on Dr. Phil's website I was extremely gun-shy about coming here. Michele assures me it's safe so here I am.

I only had time to look at a few posts (I'm still figuring my way around the board) but it seems there are a few questions/concerns so I will start with some of those.

Sex Addict. Actully the determination that I am most likely not a sex addict was something that not only I came up with by my counselor also agrees with it. It is in no way shape or form denial. There are a lot of issues that come into play here. Basically it comes down to lacking emotional maturity to make correct decisions involving my behavior when faced with difficulty.

There have been issues in the marriage. They were an ingredient to this explosive situation no doubt, as were many, many, many other things. Basically it was that emotional immaturity that was the match that lit the fuse.

The affairs aren't really the focal point of the root. There are other instances such as impulsive decisions regarding finances, a penchant for confrontation and occasionally fighting, daring (and potentially physically harming) behavior, etc. That's where the idea of adrenaline addiction plays a part.

Also the ADD comes in to play. Of course I realize this type of disorder in no way can be directly attributed to straying, it certainly doesn't help.

Lastly, there is a history of sexual abuse as well as emotional abuse all they way back as far as i can remember (about age 5). I'm sure it doesn't take a rocket scientist to draw the correlation there.

I thank God everyday that underneath all that, that I am a caring loving person with a conciensce or I would still be involved in a destructive cycle.

I also thank God everyday that I can go through all of this with someone like Michele. She was able to see through all that awful garbage and see who I really am. I am so fortunate to not only have her in my life but that I didn't completely drive her away, as I have so many other people in my life already.

Now, here, I must say that this isn't a co-dependent relationship that Michele is lost in, stuck trying to fix me. In a lot of ways this is all mine. Michele is concentrating on her issues. I'm concentrating on mine. The beauty is that we, with the help of counseling, now have a line of pure, honest, somtimes brutal, but always intimate communication between us. That makes all of the difference in the world.

It's going to be tough but finally the good moments are outweighing the bad. I believe that our marriage now is better than it ever has been. At this rate I can only imagine what we have to look forward to. I'm just glad I can do it with the most amazing woman I've ever met. I love you Michele.

oh and by the way, we have published much of our story online (it's free and we are in no way making any money off of it). We simplywanted to tell our story with the hope that we may be able to help someone else. You can see our website at www.bradandmichele.com

Where are you with the OC issue?

Welcome to MB by the way....

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

... well apparently ... you ARE writing a book and placing people on a waiting list to buy the book .... so there is some profit possibility.

Pep

Michelle has been very helpful to me in my current situation. It is nice to have you join us!

Pep and Wife 30,

thanks for the welcome.

As far as the OC the XOW is not cooperating. She's saying one thing (that she wants him to get to know me and my family) but doing another (her attorney advised her not to discuss it with until we are in court). She's playing games with me that, for some blind, idiotic reason, I never thought she would ever do. It's times like these that you get to see the person underneath the facade. So Michele and I are actually exploring the parameters of possibly not pursuing legal paternity and visitation. the reasoning is that a bitter custody battle in a situation like this does nothing but hurt EVERYONE! (especially OC) She's a piece of work!

In response to the book...sure there is hope that would bring a profit. However, I am a writer anyway. Ive been published in a local newspaper many times and published in a national basketball coahes magazine. I have been working on this book for well over a year (WAY before Dr. Phil). Only now my focus of what I want to accomplish has changed. Also, I am involved working with the youth and I have been milling over the thought of donating portions of the proceeds to charity. Thanks for asking.

I know what it takes to be the WS in a situation like this, and come to your BS's safe haven. Rest assured, you will be helped immensly here, just remember the pain that Michele is/was in, and that many times, it is worse for others on this board. Don't take too many things personally, but really consider what they are writing. My first post, 4 1/2 years ago, I attacked one of the greatly loved posters, who wasn't even a BS or WS. Since then, I learned to listen to what was being said, and apply it to our specific situation.

I watched most of the first Dr. Phil show with you guys on it. I have to admit that my feelings about your xow were of great disgust! With her claims of love, and that she wanted the two of you to end up together. She didn't see her part in the wrong to both your marriages! She was playing the victim, when she is a big girl and knew what she was doing! That's what I say about myself, before D-day! Although, with our xom, he turned quite violent, I had been trying to figure a way out of the A w/out the xom revealing everything, which happened anyway, and I ended up P with Abbi. Anyway, your xow is the typical xow, saying one thing, doing another. She, now, feels betrayed, and will attack in the quickest way possible. Be prepared, and this may sound harsh, but if it comes to it, give up any hope of having a relationship with the OC! It can and very well could just cause more and more grief in your M to fight for custody/visitation, etc. There are many here who had visitation with the OC who have recently gone to NC(no contact) due to the xow causing more and more problems. There are only a handful who have been successful with the visitation, and maybe a couple who have actually gained custody of the OC, but that doesn't mean it won't work.

I suggest that you FIRST and FOREMOST fix your M FIRST!!!! If you can handle it, and the xow doesn't want this going to court, leave things completely alone in regard to the OC. Quick question, does the xow's H know about ANY of this? It didn't seem so on the show. It's not your place to do anyting about that, but it's better for you if he DOESN'T know about it to NOT say anything, as if YOU are the one to "break it to him", YOU will be the one attacked. Let the xow handle her M, and you work on your M with Michele! Get your foundation of your M fixed, and restructured before you go fighting for anything with the xow. Work together with Michele as a united front, and in everything, think of Michele FIRST! If the xow files in court, before you have been able to have that solid foundation back under your M, then I say to NOT fight for anything in court UNTIL that foundation is solid! Your vows were made to Michele, in front of God and family and friends. Any "vows" made to the xow were made in SECRET, AWAY from GOD, FAMILY, and FRIENDS!

You've probably already heard all this before, I just want to let you know that coming close to our 5th anniversary of D-day, we have survived. We went immediately to NC, and I can promise you that it made it SO much better!

I wish you and Michele all the best of luck! I look forward to seeing another M saved, and see the growth of a couple working together!

I am glad the 2 of you are working on your marraige together.

I also just wanted to add that I posted on the dr. phil sight defending Michele and her decision.

So it wasnt all harsh. Mine just got lost in the crowd. LOL

Yes child hood trauma can effect us in many different ways.
I too was molested as a child. I have very deep scars from that. It effects each of us in different ways.

This is a long road. Please dont think because things are going great now that there wont be bumps ahead, because there will be. It takes a long time to heal.


Lori

Hi BradH,

I didn't see the show,but saw the details on Dr.Phil's website. I'm glad you seem to be owning up to your actions. I am a BS who is attempting C, in our situation H and I were separated at the time and their was no love involved between the two of them and she is not married, so that helps. In my opinion, when their are two marriages involved C should not be considered, at least for now. I believe the 2 couples should go their separate ways and work on your marriages.

Like Tylorstepmom said, this is the honeymoon period and the two of you have a lot to work through. There are many triggers, that will occur for your W for years to come, so you will have to gain much patience and figure out how to deal with problems w/o running away. Stsy in counseling and the best to both of you. Welcome!!

Hi Brad,

Good to see you posting -- there aren't many of us WHs around here. When I was finally coming out of the fog a few months ago and was posting here, Michele helped me a lot with her insights and questions. She had noted a lot of similarities between my story and yours, and as I've seen the show and read your posts, with the exception of ADD we have a lot of the same baggage and resulting immaturity and propensity for horrible decision making.

The emotional maturity issue is just huge. It's hard for a lot of people to understand, but I thought Phil described it welll much like my therapist has -- while the rest of your "self" matures intellectually and of course physically, things can happen during the key emotional development ages between four and nine that have an enormous impact. I can see now how this was the "common thread" between so many bad decisions, like you've described. Though of course my intelligence is mature and even above average (straight As), when it comes to dealing with anything that feeds us emotionally, the mind is highly susceptible to the same kind of delusional thinking (calling a spade a spade!) that leads to blowing money and sexual promiscuity. And it's interesting to see how totally ineffective the delusions are when you present them to clear-thinking people justifying what you've been doing. I'm telling you, the things Phil said to you were the next best thing to me sitting in your chair hearing it. I've kept a copy of that show and have rewatched it a few times already.

As for the XOW and OC, I pray for strength and perseverance for you and Michele to stand up to all the challenges this will present. I'm sure you are doing so, but be over-the-top about NC with XOW. Don't let yourself fool yourself about your ability to "be over" the A. It will be a danger for you forever. Guard your Love Bank jealously.

For Michele and you, the honeymoon will pass, and the best thing you can do with your time is continue your therapy to buttress your mind -- and your whole lifestyle -- against the inevitable events that will appeal to those old emotional tendencies. As deeply rooted as they are, I don't think they'll ever go away; I think the best you and I can do is label them, know them for what they are, and when all else fails use our Ws and friends to help us protect ourselves from ourselves. We can be human fog machines, if you know what I mean. Having been through a relapse which led to the coming OC, I've learned a few things like the paramount importance of POJA and RADICAL HONESTY. Secrets are lies.

Great to see you here, and I hope you can find time over the coming weeks and months to keep us up-to-date and of course to help any other fence-sitters who wander in.

Tony