At this point you are heading to D. After D, there will be no reason not to talk to her about the kids, etc.

Well, I count your feelings, but I mean, every once in a while.

You may as well see what's going on.

SS

Pandora's Box ring a bell Binder?

Anyway,if you need a reason to open it,just convince yourself that all the folks on MB need to know.Or,maybe give it to a trusted family member or friend(lawyer) and see if it's worth your time and heart? Maybe you are strong enough to go ahead too.

Personally,I would read it if you feel strong enough.Afterall,you have had more than your fair share of hurt from WW.It could be anything benign or maybe she wants to purge more feelings on you or reconcile.I don't think anything she could possibly say at this point would be a surprise.The only caution I would have is if the letter hurt you more(i.e. more fogbank stuff).I had to stop e-mailing my STBXWH long ago and only keep to specifics because he would go on and on about painful things and I would just cry.His e-mails(versus letters) just served to hurt me more and somehow benefited my WH.It didn't seem fair or right.We're still fragile and vulnerable,you know?

Good luck with your decision.

Night~

O

Binder, it will hurt you, guaranteed. I'm sure you're tough enough, but it will hurt you.

GC

hi, Binder.

Quote:
=================================
OK...advice needed....I just found a card in the mailbox. I know it's from WW. I don't think it's an attempt to reconcile, no actions consistant with that. Likely a bunch of "This is not about OM" schlock. It's presently unopened. If I give it back, do I send a note with it? What say ye?
=================================

You may have already done this, sorry if I am repeating others.

Read the card. If your wife is basically trying to get you to be 'okay' with the way 'things have turned out', then I think that you need to tell her the basic facts of life.

"Dear wife. You want me to accept your decision to destroy our family. I will never do so. Stop asking. I will not be your friend outside of our marriage, ever. I will talk to you and work with you on issues regarding our children only. That is all the conversation I will ever have with you outside of our marriage. Please adjust your communication with me accordingly."

God bless,
Gimble

Gimble, that was some dang good advice. More than likely, she is just trying to justify her actions, or situation, or even apologize for the way things turned out. :: retching as I am considering the insolence and selfishness, here ::

Binder, if you're up for it (and no one here would blame you if you weren't) you may want to go ahead and open the envelope. Gimble's reply really gives a person a lot to think about. Well, any terrestrial person, anyhow. She sounds like she's still getting around in her silver saucer.

{{{Binder}}}


slh

Open the dern card, Binder.

How do you know it doesn't have a "I'm coming clean" epiphany message?

Maybe not likely, but in Plan B how else does a BS know whether some comunication from the alien is one they've been waiting for?

WAT

OK, I took your advice to read it…..same old same old:

Binder,

It is with a great deal of sadness that I pen you this note. I was hoping to speak with you in person, but I cannot force you. I do hope you will take the time and read this, as it is written with no malice and from my heart.

I need to start by telling you how very sorry I am for all the mistakes I have made in our marriage. I apologize for all the times I have been a proud and arrogant woman. Please forgive me the mistakes I’ve made and the hurt I’ve caused.

I received your card a few weeks ago, I must say – it was a painful read. I grieve for what was – and I grieve for what will never be. From my heart I miss “pet name & pet name”. They were good, and they were happy. Somewhere along the way, priorities changed – life changed us – and we chose to accept those changes.

I know you are a good man Binder. I hope you find true contentment and peace in your world. I’m sorry that I wasn’t the one person that could light up your world and your heart – I felt I always fell short.

As we sadly end our marriage – I pray we can put aside our differences and turn the focus to our beautiful children. They love us so much, for them to sense all this tension and anger between us is not good for their little hearts. They need us both.

God bless you Binder & may God bless us all.

Love, WW

How lovely. Obviously her first priority is for our children, hasn’t she demonstrated that?

Thank you all for your responses. Gimble, I’ll be penning something along those lines and return this card with it.

She doesn’t get it, no surprise there.

Binder,

At least you got an apology. I think she gets it more than you give her credit for.

I read that she doesn't feel she can meet your standards. This she does get. Your standard is she leaves the OM and she cannot or will not do that, so she can't meet that standard.

There are probably other things too.

I think what she did and is doing is wrong, and she knows it. She doesn't feel confident enough or brave enough to try again with you.

Instead of saying she doesn't get it, acknowledge that she does get it, that recovery is hard work, leaving her OM is tough and that you have some understanding of how much pain she must have, choosing to stay with OM instead of returning to work on the marriage.

I don't think I would get into the your are ending it, we are ending it semantic debate.

Just let her know you got the card, you accept the apology and wish she would have chosen differently.

If you think you might want to reconcile, let her know there is a path to stop the divorce if that is what she wants to do.

T

She hasn't hit bottom yet, but she will, maybe sooner than you think.

I vote for no response - save it for after the bottom at which time your response might be different.

WAT

Well,it's no surprise to me.Sounds familiar and the stuff of which I was long ago very tired of hearing.That last paragraph is especially telling.

Changing priorities? Life changed us? Turn the focus to the children NOW? Puke.It's why,even though WH wants it differently still, I have chosen not to talk with my STBX anymore except only specific issues about kids and only now,Mediation,but when that is done,the e-mails will be even less.I can't stand to hear that kind of drivel.

She sounds gone to me Binder.Just gone,like my WH.I just don't know if a WS can come back from that newfound "ideology".

Sorry Binder.I hope you are ok after reading that.

O

Binder, see how she attaches "we" to things that she's responsible for?

This note left me sad. It's a table scrap. I'm sorry, man. I agree w/10girl. Mine is the same also. Bye bye, Mrs. Binder.

GC

Hi, Binder.

Here is a translation for you to work with:

It is with a great deal of sadness that I pen you this note. I was hoping to speak with you in person, but I cannot force you. I do hope you will take the time and read this, as it is written with no malice and from my heart.

I don't respect your wish not to be contacted, and I have some guilt that I need to pour out on you, but I intend no harm, I just need to feel better about me.

I need to start by telling you how very sorry I am for all the mistakes I have made in our marriage. I apologize for all the times I have been a proud and arrogant woman. Please forgive me the mistakes I’ve made and the hurt I’ve caused.

I am including this because I know that I did some things wrong, cause I feel guilty about it. There are no specifics, because I have not examined myself closely enough to provide any.

I received your card a few weeks ago, I must say – it was a painful read. I grieve for what was – and I grieve for what will never be. From my heart I miss “pet name & pet name”. They were good, and they were happy. Somewhere along the way, priorities changed – life changed us – and we chose to accept those changes.

What you wrote to me convicted me of my wrongdoing, but I am not that person anymore, so I will speak of us in the third person in order to remove myself from my guilt, and to be able to place the blame where it really belongs; that is on priorities, life, and you. All this happened because of you.

I know you are a good man Binder. I hope you find true contentment and peace in your world. I’m sorry that I wasn’t the one person that could light up your world and your heart – I felt I always fell short.

I can't live beside a bright light. The dim world I have created for myself can not stand the illumination. I hope you live well in your world of light and goodness, but that is not my place anymore, and that is your fault.

As we sadly end our marriage – I pray we can put aside our differences and turn the focus to our beautiful children. They love us so much, for them to sense all this tension and anger between us is not good for their little hearts. They need us both.

Please be nice to me and accept what I have done. Please do this for the pawns. After all, they don't know they are pawns, and won't mind me using them to try and push my finger in your soft spot for them. So accept my crime against you and our family because I have my finger in your sore spot.

God bless you Binder & may God bless us all.

God please accept what I have done and make it okay.

Love, WW

This is not an apology, Binder. If anyone needs to see what a real apology looks like, just image true contriteness of heart.

Real apologies are easy to see, we make them ourselves most days. "Yikes, I am sorry that I bumped you, are you okay?". Or how about hot coffee in a strangers lap because you were clumsy. Would you just say "sorry" and walk on, or would you quickly try to help resolve the mess, apologizing all the while?

We all know what real contrition looks like. The problem is that you get feed entitlement in the place of a real change in heart so often, that you forget what the real thing looks like.

God bless,
Gimble

I rescind my earlier recommendation to offer no response in favor of sending back Gimble's translation - "this is what your letter really means to me."

Very good, Gimble. Very insightful.

WAT

STBXH,

I don’t see this as an apology….I think Gimble hit the proverbial “nail” on the head. I’d go even further with the coffee analogy. It’s like trying to apologize while continuing to pour the hot coffee onto the person’s lap. “Oh I’m sorry this is happening…circumstances dictate though…….what will be will be…..Jeez….that’s starting to blister……..man this is a large carafe.”

I agree that she is merely waving goodbye while driving away….more like giving me the finger. I’m OK with this, in the sense that I’m not sent into a tailspin. I expected little from her and she never disappoints.

WAT, I didn’t see what you saw in regards your first post, but I see you have amended your position. I think I may send back Gimble’s translation along with the “don’t bother anymore” suffix so she realizes I don’t buy her crap. I will forgive her…..for my sake, not hers and she doesn’t need to know when that day is.

A few more weeks I figure….it’ll be done.

What Gimble said is exactly what I was talking to my youngest about the other day.When WH still tried his best to confront my DD with the homewreckers name and she was sobbing,again,at having this brought to her attention after I had already said to my WH STOP,it is hurting her and she does not want to talk about his person,he KEPT doing it! Total disregard for my DD's feelings but HE wanted to relieve himself and maybe even "show" the homewrecker that "See,the girls will talk about you".

It is true Binder.This letter was all about her.Like when my WH STILL keeps telling me he is respecting my wish not to have contact but keeps doing it anyway,ALL ALONG.He knows nothing of respect and selflessness.

I told my DD a story like the coffee one: what if she had knocked over her good friend Ben's trophy and broke it,would she just say "sorry" and that be it? Or would she offer to help fix it or help pay for it,etc.Anyone can say "sorry" but the ACTIONS have to back it up.In my case,WH has said sorry before but he never stopped his hurtful behavior and you can't be truly sorry if you keep doing the hurt.

Good post Gimble.I would also return the favor oby an "enlightening" letter Binder.If only to purge your soul.I doubt WW will "get it" though.

O

I stapled what was essentially Gimble's letter to the card and stuffed it in her mailbox. I couldn't even be bothered to hand write it; cut/past tweak this and that...print. I think that alone speaks volumes as to "where I'm at".

So things are crystal clear now, I will be single. I've not given this letter anymore thought. My future...is undetermined. I used to have an idea where I'd be in 5, 10, or 20 years. Now I have no clue. It's kind of exciting. I will always regret this for my children's sake, but I get to go exploring now.

Binder,

I read through all the posts, and I believe they are probably true, but so what.

She didn't get it.
She doesn't get it.
She may not ever get it.

You don't need to be friends with her after the D.

What do you want right now? If you are finished, then ignore her. If you want to reconcile, if you still WOULD reconcile, then take this attitude -

From Matt 23:37
O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, thou that killest the prophets, and stonest them which are sent unto thee, how often would I have gathered thy children together, even as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, and ye would not!

I could say many good things about you. I hold you in high esteem. You WILL have more struggles, we both know that. I expect you to do well. Not that you won't make some mistakes, but that you will repent, and go on.

Your choice here - as with the poem when you told her you were seeking D.

" Dear W,
Thanks for the note. I suppose I still have hope down in side me somewhere that you will give up OM, love me again, and that our family could be intact. That would be my wish, even now, after all that has happened.

Please give up OM,
Please come home.
All these months, I couldn't stand to see you, or talk to you. I couldn't take the pain.
I could still make it work if you could.

Binder."

I'm not saying you should, that depends on what you want.

SS

Later edit - I posted about the same time as you. It looks like you have chosen.

So be it.

SS,

I just.......can't.

I don't think I could either, and you don't need to, but once you said you didn't think like that usually, so I put out an idea.

Please dont' take it as a judgement. Just support.

SS

For the children...if I thought there was a chance, I'd do it. She is lost.