I know I love my wife. But why do I want to stay and fix something like this. When the WS had no respect or consideration for you, and no cares what it did to you or your family. What did you do to get past this?

HNH
Wheil WS are active in an affair, very few of them have any respect or consideration for anyone including themselves, nor do they care what it does to anyone affected.

BUT if an affair ends and the BS is being a welcoming place to return to ( a 'plan A' type person) there is a good chance that they will begin to realise their behaviour was terribl and will start to make amends s they are able.

In many cases and affair is truly like an addiction and needs o bemanaged into recovery as such.

There is a time of withdrawal wherein the WS (FWS) can reach new depths of spite and selfishness, but this can pass.

HNH its your choice to stay or go. I stayed througha TRULY VICIOUS withdrawal, and I am glad I did.

My baby loves me and is reprentant. She is happy to be working hard on our marriage.

Study MB, friend, and see understand how to predict the dynamics of your WS behaviour.

You don't HAVE to do this, but you maybe glad you did if recovery progresses.

All blessings.

Why do we stay?

Because the marriage was at least fairly happy and rewarding before the A.
Because we have invested so much of ourselves in our marriages and all those years of shared joy and sorrow are not easy to toss away.
Because we take my marriage vows seriously.
Because we have a certain responsibilty for our spouse.
Because sometimes after going through something like this and recovering, people report having deeper more fulfilling marriages.
Because there are a lot of people depending on us and looking to us for an example; especially our children.

My baby loves me and is reprentant. She is happy to be working hard on our marriage.
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This is the part I don't feel with my W. more so the last couple of weeks. In MC this morning, She has excuses for not doing any reading, but because she isn't reading any books (execpt fiction) she told C that I say she is not working on M. Well, IMO, she is not working very hard, everything else is a priority to her. Not us. Again this is just my POV. maybe she is and I just don't see it. I read what is on these forums and see so much positive ways to deal with this A crap, but since It is not going how I feel it should be, She is not doing anything. Well, She does nothing that anyone else in her shoes is doing to show regret, guilt, remorse. Just life as usual.I actually have been thinking leaving for the first time. Just fleeting thoughts, but I have them and I don't like it.

I just don't understand why it seems so easy for her to act like nothing happened. Yea, I know, its fog, or justification in her head, and all that. But I just don't understand how I am suposed to live like it never happened.

How do you deal with the denial aspect of this? She leads us to beleive that they never talked about our marriages or anything like that, just work, yet she was still able to find time in her busy schedule for a one nighter w/ om.

i thought I was past all this crap, but evidently I am not.
sometimes I feel like she is only here so that nobody finds out what she did. to this day, only the counselor and 1 friend knows. Like I'm the better of two evils, stay with me or let family and friends know. hmmmmmmm.. I chose stay.

Any thoughts?

As long as the WS traits remain, recovery can not be gained. As a BS you need to identify your boundaries and enforce them. The WS may say 'but I am not having an A'. Agree but say the remanants of the A remain (her attitude for 1) and it is still affecting the M. If she can't improve her A and SHOW you in word and deed she is worthy t/b considered you W again, then because your boundaries require not just a body but the heart and mind t/b a W and not a WS at will, then here's the door. You WS are not fit to live with our family.

JMHO, this is what I did many a time.

L.

Orchid,
But what if it is just me not being able to see it? That my mind won't get past A and let me see it?
Am I subcontiously just looking for pity?(I hope not) but, sometimes I guess I just want to be a priority in her life. and I don't feel that I am right now.

She has NC, She has a new job, She is going to MC,

We don't have SF that much, we don't have alot of affection, We don't discuss the A at all, most talk is just small talk. Kids keep us hoppin, so not any alone time,

Is it wrong for me to think she is not as serious if she is not doing it how I feel we should be doing things? I know that sounds controlling, but I am not. I just want to feel like our marriage is the most important priority. Is that asking to much?

Her A is not like most on here, and was addressed the day after it happened. I am still confussed on my feelings, All but my love for her. That has never wavered.

your thoughts?

HNH, Not advertising here but have you read any of the 'toolkit' thread I put together ?

Me and every other recovering FBS has ben exactly where you are now.

The thing you don't want to hear is that Time is the main healer here.

We're recovering pretty well and are eight months into NC, and Squid is only JUST beginning to be open to study the dynamics of her affair.

Takes time love and tenderness from you.

Also I've come to think that recovery has at least three strands -

PRACTICAL - Day-to-day relationship and life support
PERSONAL - Individual recovery from overdependence and behaviours that contributed to the poor M that allowed an affair
TRAUMATIC - the recovery from the hurt, guilt and pain that D-day and withdrawal caused. Also learning to protect each other from hurt by selfishness.

Squid invested in PRACTICAL recovery long before she started on the others. Could this be true for your W too ?

All blessings.

Good stuff BP. That strand thing is really insightful.

NCW I have a longer ramble on my 'strands' thoughts using my 5 English words to one US word, I'll post it up sometime <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

For me a lot of why I stayed was because of what I realized I did in making our M open to an A. I was a [censored] husband who got fat, drank a lot and was verbally abusive and ignoring of my W. While I do not think there is any justification for an A, people are human and one would be an ignorant fool to believe that vows are a strong enough glue to prevent an A from happening.

After D-Day my W has been fantastic in helping me heal. She has been completely honest is telling me everything about her A. She has meet all my EN and then some. She lets me know where she is at all times and has opened her life up to me like an open book. I think once I was able to fully understand the dynamics of her A...what led up to it and my part in setting the stage, then I was able to forgive her.