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#1380107 05/13/05 08:48 AM
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Wow, Terri must have some pull around here. This is the fastest I ever saw a new board appear!

Looks like a great new place we can make our own and discuss the issues that come up after the divorce as we grow in differnt directions.

Here is one of my delemas. I have a great fear of having my relationship dynamic turn into one similar to my marriage. When is it appropriate to bring up MB principle in a new relationship? Edidted as I see this is already being discussed in another thread.

So how a bout a welcome and who we are thread?

I am divorced 2 years, dating a great guy I met on E harmony for 1 year.

Last edited by Lora; 05/13/05 09:17 AM.

Lora
Lora #1380108 05/13/05 10:16 AM
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Well, how do you do Lora!? Nice to meet you. I am divorced a little over a montha nd have absolutely NO interest in dating ever again! Actually, that may be a strech, but I am most certainly not ready at this time. However, the subject matter fascinates me. As a typical cave dwelling martian (for you Jon Gray fans out there) I can say with 100% certainty that I am completely oblivious to any form of subtlety or signs/signals from the opposite sex. On top of that, I'm only a very novice flirter and at times not a very quick thinker on my feet. As such... this forum ought to provide some very keen insights should it ever catch on!


BH (Me) 28, WW 28, 2 Boys (5 and 3)
Officially M: 4yrs, 4 mos, and 23 days
Actively M: 2 yrs, 9 mos, 18 days
DDay 8/30/03
WW Filed for D 12/15/03
D final 4/4/05

Wanted my wife back... not sure what I want anymore...

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. Romans 12:21

vini vidi vici
Lora #1380109 05/13/05 11:57 AM
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Lora, this was a shock to me, too, but I don't think it has that much to do with me. I e-mailed the idea to the admins and got a return e-mail right away. They said it's an idea that has been discussed previously, and they were quite happy to add it.

I'm thinking that with all of the problems that we've had with the forums, they might be trying to make it up to us where they can?

Anyhow, I'm GLAD that this went up so quickly, since I've obviously been discussing just these kinds of issues.

Introduction: After my ex moved to another state with a 6 month residency requirement and no-fault marriage laws, I was divorced by him in May 2002. After a couple of very hurtful forays into the relationship arena, I crawled away for a couple of years to lick my wounds. I think I might be ready for real this time, but I'm REAL gunshy and not particularly experienced in dating to begin with. I basically met my husband, started a relationship and then got married... before him there was only one guy that I "went steady" with for three or four years from my senior year in HS on... So, I don't even have my teen years to draw from on this topic. It's taken me until the last few years to acknowledge that men and women obviously have differences in communication styles - basically, the break up of my marriage is what triggered that major breakthrough.

My biggest problem here is that I am very emotionally sensitive (I don't know if that will ever change) - I try too hard to figure out what the result of an action may be before actually taking the action because I get hurt very easily... Resulting too many times in my not taking action at all. That is my curse. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

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terri Courage Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage. Ralph Waldo Emerson
terri #1380110 05/13/05 11:52 PM
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Hey I my daughter spent the night with a friend and I stayed home and thought how sad is this after being divorced almost three years. Sad!!!!

It's not that I don't want to date, it's that nobody has asked.

I think that I scared the one guy off and others just see me as a friend and nothing more.

I really don't meet that many single guys where I work and socially there just hasn't been. Have tried the singles group, but found most of those guys are connected to someone else in the group. I don't stay home every weekend, so I am out there meeting people just not many of right age or sex. I guess in some ways I am glad that I don't have in well meaning friends trying to hook me up.

I know that everything has within the Lords time, there is sometimes though that I want it to be in my time and try to help t hings along.

Anyways I was bored and thought that I would check out MB and see if there was anything going on or neat conversations to get in to.

Dawn

I like this new forum but I am not crazy about the new layout or whatever it would be called!!!


BS 49
Divorced 10 yrs/married 21 yrs
Life is good and I am happy!
Engaged to be married on the 4th of August 2012!
30yoS&DIL & 2 gson/27yoD-Divorced & 3 gson/21yoD
daybreak #1380111 05/14/05 12:31 AM
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My mom has been divorced for 10 years....10 years!

She is a beautiful woman, still very young ( she had me when she was 16) but I'll tell you what I told her,,,,,

Jesus isn't looking for your husband!

You have to!

My other has gotten to the point where she isn't even looking, which means she isn't picking up on other mens signals,

3 weeks ago we went to breakfast, a man there asked if he could buy her a cup of coffee...

What does my mom say?

Oh. thats OK we are on the same ticket (huh?)

I had to tell her this guy was hittin on her! Geeez!!!!

Anyway, Jesus isn't going to find your next relationship for you...you are!

Good stuff though

RebornMan


"Who are you" said the Caterpillar
This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation.

Alice replied, rather shyly, "I--I hardly know, sir, just at present...At least I know who I WAS when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then."
RebornMan #1380112 05/14/05 08:29 AM
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I'm glad this forum is here too.

My D is almost final. Just waiting to have the finality, sign on the dotted line, whatever.

My WH has been living with the OW for over 8 mos now. I filed for D - 2 wks after he moved in with her.

So it's been awhile. I had been asked out but declined due to technically still being married; (even though WH had been living with OW).

My fear is: I'm now a single parent and basically go from work to the grocery store & home during the week and a small church on sunday. Where am I going to actually meet nice, single, christian men who not only would be interested but ok with a woman recently divorced with an infant?

Not to mention I have a VERY SLIGHT case of cerebral palsy. It's not really noticable to most people but I know it's there and it does effect my self esteem at times.
I think that that is why I'm so concerned with my appearance and keeping myself in shape.

Basically I'm your average woman but I don't try to do things that require a lot of balance and coordination like ice skating, roller blading, etc.

That really bothers me. I don't want to meet a nice single christian man & blow it because he loves to ski or whatever and I don't have the balance or coordination to do it with him.

What's a girl like me to do?

Lora #1380113 05/14/05 10:12 AM
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I am so glad this board is here. Before the divorce there was so much help at this sight to get through dealing with my WW's affair and the divorce. But, not much to help with the hard issues faced by a newly divorced guy in his 50's. A guy who really, 100% believed that he would be married to the same woman until he died.

Anyway, I have had to face some issues about me and especially face up to the changes in my life and the roles I play. It has been hard and is still an ongoing process. But, I feel a lot better about myself and the rest of the world because I am dealing with the reality of it all.

And, I have come to find that there are a lot of very intelligent, personable and sexy women out there in my age range. Like the person said: WOW!


Just another guy exploring middle age.
JustinExplorer #1380114 05/14/05 10:36 AM
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Justin -

I'm glad things are moving forward for you.

It'll be an ongoing process for all of us.

( I too believed that I would be married to the same person for life. I had even "saved myself" for marriage and not for lack of opportunity to do otherwise mind you.)

I think that's maybe one of the reasons I'm having such a hard time moving forward.

He's the only man I've ever slept with.

But it is encouraging to see the positives in peoples lives after going through something so difficult as a divorce and being the BS.

TessW. #1380115 05/14/05 12:16 PM
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Hello, I've been on MB over 3 years, divorce over 1.5 years with over 3.5 years separated. I waited the requisite year before dating (of course no one really asked me out anyway).
I tried the computer dating, and it went nowhere.
I met someone by chance 5 months ago. A really nice guy, who treats me well. And as a bachelor, he needs his own time, as much as I need my time alone and with me kids.
I dread the day I introduce anyone to my kids. Dating seems so much easier than actually introducing anyone into my children's lives - even a really nice guy.

Take care.


It was a marriage that never really started.
H: Conflict Avoider, NPD No communication skills (Confirmed by MC) Me: Enabler
Sep'd 12/01, D'd 08/03.
My joys and the light of my life: DD 11, DD 9
*Approach life and situations from the point of love - not from fear.*
TessW. #1380116 05/14/05 02:00 PM
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Tess, I would not worry that you can't do a lot of balancing things. No need to mention the CP early on, just indicated that you are not a skier, roller blader, etc. Yes, some men may pass you up, but so what?? I am not a skier so I often get passed up by women who want a guy they can going skiing with on the weekends and take ski vacations with.

Emphasize what you like and can do. You like to walk and hike? Say so. You like music? Say so? You get the picture.
Not every guy is a super athlete, just as not every women is one. I am often amused by some of the online profiles I read. These women sound like Amazons who can out run me, out swim me, lift heavier weights than me, and generally beat me up at will, if they choose to do so. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


Just another guy exploring middle age.
JustinExplorer #1380117 05/14/05 07:07 PM
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I agree with you whole heartedly, Newly, on the whole bringnig people into your kids lives thing. That is actually one of the big things keeping me from dating. When this whole thing started to unravel (the M that is) I was so worried about the kids and what it would mean to them when/if I moved on that I pretty much decided not to date until my youngest was in college. That would be about another 15 years or so. I have softened on that position a little... but it will be a cold day in hell when my kids ever got to meet a date of mine! It would have to be a VERY serious relationship with the RIGHT gal for a LONG time before the kids ever even knew she existed. Where as my XWW, I'm sure, will see nothing wrong with having a revolving door of strange men comming into the kids lives when/if her and OM ever break up. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Another thing that bothers me, and I wonder if anyone else has these feelings as well, is the feeling that I am cheating on my family and my W by dating. Is that just stupid or what? I mean, she cheated, she left, she went nuts, she divorced me. Why on earth do I feel like I am the one in the wrong? I mean we ARE divorced and all.

Now let me clarify, I've only had one "date" since the demise of the family (don't even know if you'd call it a date per se, another story for another day). But even when I go out with my friends, or find myself engaged in flirting operations, or even just thinking about the prospect of dating... it just gives me this dark feeling like I'm doing something wrong... like I'm acting in an underhanded way.

Anyone else ever feel that way?


BH (Me) 28, WW 28, 2 Boys (5 and 3)
Officially M: 4yrs, 4 mos, and 23 days
Actively M: 2 yrs, 9 mos, 18 days
DDay 8/30/03
WW Filed for D 12/15/03
D final 4/4/05

Wanted my wife back... not sure what I want anymore...

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. Romans 12:21

vini vidi vici
Want My Wife Back #1380118 05/14/05 08:22 PM
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It's because you are used to being married WMWB...

It's going to take time for that thought process to work it's way out of your system.

I felt guilty for about 2 seconds or so...then realized my WWXW was "outta here!"

It takes longer for some

RebornMan


"Who are you" said the Caterpillar
This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation.

Alice replied, rather shyly, "I--I hardly know, sir, just at present...At least I know who I WAS when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then."
Want My Wife Back #1380119 05/14/05 09:05 PM
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Just a thought ... if you are feeling guilty about the idea of dating or flirting, I'd say that you might really not be ready yet. I won't repeat the entire thing, but I posted over on J's thread about the cycle of my recovery from divorce - let's just say that it took a long time. Read more here.

While I am certainly not in the position of actually HAVING dates, or even regularly actively seeking to date, I do know that I'm ready. I miss doing things with and just spending time with someone special - not to be confused with missing my ex - this is definitely different. More of a yearning for the companionship of someone who enjoys my company... I get some of that from friends, but it's just not the same.

Anyway... Someday it will feel like the most natural thing in the world to want to be with somone new. In the meantime, if it feels uncomfortable, by all means, DON'T do it.

T


terri Courage Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage. Ralph Waldo Emerson
terri #1380120 05/14/05 09:48 PM
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It was more than six months after my divorce was final before I was ready to take off my wedding ring. By then it was nearly three years since words had passed between my ex-wife and myself, and more than two years since she had looked me in the eye.

Time is not always a healer, but healing takes time. It also takes time to adjust one's mindset.

For me the biggest guilt factor in the whole dating thing - not that I'm sure I've actually been on a "real" date yet - involves the question of whether I am being fair to the woman I've asked out when I'm "in love" with someone else. I don't see that it much matters whether that "someone else" is an ex-spouse or just someone who doesn't reciprocate my interest. Either way, the heart isn't really free.


Profile: male in mid forties
History: deserted after 10+ years of marriage, and divorced; no communication since the summer of 2000
Status: new marriage October 2008
GnomeDePlume #1380121 05/15/05 07:38 AM
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THat is what I was trying to point out above,

Everybody is different, the timeline for healing is different.

Being lonely or alone isn't an excuse, it's when your heart is healed.

And your mind no longer wanders around in search of answers to the questions of your marriages demise.

It just didn't take me long to figure out what went wrong and start working on my own personal growth.

Gnome, I don't know that we ever stop loving our former spouses, I still love what my WWXW was many years ago, I love her for giving me my beautiful children. I have a little piece of love left from all my past long term relationships. They are part of what makes me...well me. I have all the memories filed away safely.

Maybe that just makes me odd, I don't know?


"Who are you" said the Caterpillar
This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation.

Alice replied, rather shyly, "I--I hardly know, sir, just at present...At least I know who I WAS when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then."
Lora #1380122 05/15/05 12:42 PM
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Here goes:

Not yet officially divorced, but have "divorced" all property, money, stuff, and dogs. He kept his dogs, I took mine. Dogs are happier here too. In fact, when H and I ran into each other recently, one of my dogs shrank away from him and another ignored him. Wonder what that means?

Anyway I moved out and bought my own house back in December 2004. He refinanced our joint house into his name only, so our living arrangements are pretty much finalized now. The only financial txns still remaining are for me to decide if I still want $$ out of his house, or am willing to take my name off the property deed.

My life is totally different now - I've moved on in many ways and feel like I've always lived here. Can't remember the old house very well, though I lived there for 14 years. I realize the last few years I didn't feel welcome in my own house, and didn't think of it as my home. So it was not hard leaving it.

The D is definitely going to happen. We are doing our own D - started the paperwork process this month.

This is my second D. The first one was harder than this one, though I didn't care as much for my first H as I did the second one.

Now I'm seeing things in my H that I refused to see before, things that were always there and that even the MC and my IC had seen but I denied.

I'm spending time sorting these things out - what were his boundaries, what were mine? What were his dysfunctions, what were mine? Trying to heal. Sorting out anger that surfaces for no reason. Exhaustion that surfaces for no reason. Sleeplessness that surfaces for no reason. Things I know are coming from unresolved feelings inside - yet also knowing I have to make new friends in order to practice being in healthy relationships, so that is what I'm now working on.

My greatest fear now is in not wanting to recreate the past. Learning why I pick certain kinds of men, what I'm compensating for, and how to NOT do this again. As of now, I'm not confident I can do this, and not sure that I want to. I have much to do, many things to live for now that have been on the back burner. I could spend the rest of my years doing the things I want to do, and not ever have time for another relationship.

But who knows? I personally think the MB principles will help me find myself in all this mess, and help me identify people who are not good fits for me, whether as friends, or future partners.

BTW, I am 52, and have spent more than 1/2 of my life being married - and putting my own dreams and hopes on hold in the process.

Reborn Man - I share with you the thoughts about being 50+ and wondering how I stack up. And if there are men out there who "stack up" - and not sure anymore what "stack up" means - either for me or them! Don't wanna be "over the hill." Won't let myself be "over the hill", thank you very much!


Waiting for dawn...
...but not afraid of the dark.

DDay: Sept 26, 2004
Moved out: Dec 16, 2004
D Final: Oct 10, 2006
terri #1380123 05/15/05 09:57 PM
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Just a thought ... if you are feeling guilty about the idea of dating or flirting, I'd say that you might really not be ready yet.


Hey.... there's an understatement!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

It's the idea of dating... of opening up to someone like that again. 1)It scares the crap out of me, and 2)It just feels wrong. I feel like I am no better than XWW. I feel like I am doing wrong by my kids. I can't explain it. Well, maybe I can.

When my Dad started dating the woman he would eventually be remarried to, it really felt, to us kids, that he was choosing her over us. He took her side of any conflict, no matter what the evidence showed. He spent all his free time with her and less and less with us... unless she tagged along. There is a host of things that I really won't go into here... but to say basically I would NEVER, EVER want my kids to feel the way my brothers and I did when my dad started dating again. I would never want to put my kids in a situation where they felt anyone else on earth was more important to me than them. Hence my gut reaction to not date until my yongest was in college. Did I mention that he's 3?

Flirting, though, I like! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> It's a win-win situation. It makes both the recipient and the initiater feel good... provided you get a approving reaction. I just feel a little guilty when I catch myself doing it when my kids are around. Now, before anyone jumps down my throat... let me explain. I don't lay it on thick. I'm not some slick and polished smooth operator... ever really... but especially with the kids around. But there are times when I catch myself exchanging glances with some woman at Barnes & Noble... or conversing with a waitress in a flirtacious manner when I'm out with my kids. It's just a sort of primal response... but it still makes me feel guilty because I feel it is something I ought to be doing on my own time and that I ought to be focusing on my boys when I have them... not on some hot 22 year old at the pizza joint after church! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Actually Terri, my feelings tend to echo yours on the subject of companionship. I don't even really WANT to date... but I miss doing things with the company of a good woman. I hate eating dinner alone. I hate going to movies alone. I hate being left to my own devices when clothes shopping or furniture shopping. Home Deopt... yeah, I can handle that all on my own thank you. But there is something inately depressing when eating by ones self. And all my guy friends seem to be in relationships... so, that leaves a great deal of the time when I'm on my own. I don't usually mind my own company... but some female companionship would sure be nice once and a while!


BH (Me) 28, WW 28, 2 Boys (5 and 3)
Officially M: 4yrs, 4 mos, and 23 days
Actively M: 2 yrs, 9 mos, 18 days
DDay 8/30/03
WW Filed for D 12/15/03
D final 4/4/05

Wanted my wife back... not sure what I want anymore...

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. Romans 12:21

vini vidi vici
Lora #1380124 05/15/05 10:10 PM
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I'm not very observent. I just now noticed the new forum.

I do think it's a great idea, though. I may not have much to post on here besides questions, but I'll definitely lurk and see what helpful tidbits I can pick up.

Many of you know a little about me. If you don't, this Monday the 16th marks the 6-month "officially DV" mark for me, though my XH moved out over a year ago and his affair will reach it's 2-year mark in a few more months. (I will assume it will make it that far, because they are now buying a house.)

I think about dating sometimes. It's not that I'm dying without, but evenings are lonely, I miss having a companion, and I purposely avoid a lot of places with couples or movies about romance because it causes little twinges of pain sometimes. My XH and I were together for 23 years--from the time I was 15. He was my first love. Though we did date others a few times during some breakups, I've had no other serious relationships, and I am just now learning what it's like to live on my own.

Peope have suggested to me, "Think back to what you used to enjoy doing before you were with your XH and enjoy those things again." Well, in my case, I was probably just past playing with Barbies! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> (Although there are some really cool Barbies out there nowadays!).

I have no idea when or if I'll date again. It was my XH's current affair that ended our marriage, but the entire 19 years were shaky, and I have some skeletons in my closet that I'm not sure how to deal with either, if I ever find someone new.

Between those, and my lack of organization (I'm convinced I share many of my daughter's ADHD tendencies), the anxiety issues I have sometimes, my desire to only date Christians, and my decision to wait to be "intimate" until I'm married to someone (unheard of today in women my age!) I think I will send 99% of available men running screaming into the night!

But I'm hoping that I can learn some things from all of you.

And finally, I can relate to those of you who mentioned the sort of "guilty" feeling you get when you think about dating, like you're being unfaithful. I feel that, too. I don't necessarily think it's because I'm still pining for my XH (though I do care about him and it's painful watching him destroy himself), but that I took my marriage commitment very seriously and it seems wrong in a way that a piece of paper signed by a judge can just end that commitment.

LL

Lora #1380125 05/15/05 10:50 PM
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Hello everyone.

My story, like many people here, is a sad one. I was married very young didn't have much experience dating. My marriage began to fall apart a couple of years ago, culminating with my wife having an affair with a married man and myself getting custody of our three young children.

Fast forward to now... I'm a single parent of three wonderful children who has all the legal stuff taken care of but is waiting for the year separation period in order to become "legally divorced".

Believe it or not, despite the terrible stuff I've been through, I'm not gunshy about women at all. I am very naive still (I think) but I'm definitely not bitter or scared of being hurt again.

I am trying my best to figure out how to flirt again... I think its going well but I am having a hard time figuring out whether I seem just friendly or flirty... I also have an impossible time figuring out if someone is flirting with me. Oh well! I'm sure I'll pick up on it eventually.

I've been on one date (a couple of weeks ago) and I have to say although it went well it was nothing special. We won't be going on a 2nd one. I'm pretty happy with where my life is going right now, and I'm extremely busy (as you can imagine) so it definitely is going to take a really special woman to win my heart! I'm open to the possibility but not going to push it too hard. I certainly hope I'll know it when I do find the right person.

I also think there is a BIG difference between "dating" and a relationship. I think I'm ready to venture into "dating" but a honest to goodness relationship... don't think I'm quite up for that yet. But who knows?

I look forward to hearing all your dating trials and tribulations in this forum as this is definitely an area where I have some concerns about in my own life.

Cheers,

Miker


I was the BS - 36
She was the WS - 36, PA with MM
DS8, DD13, DD15 - All living with Dad
DDay 05/04, Divorced 08/05
RebornMan #1380126 05/18/05 01:35 PM
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Gnome, I don't know that we ever stop loving our former spouses, I still love what my WWXW was many years ago, I love her for giving me my beautiful children. I have a little piece of love left from all my past long term relationships. They are part of what makes me...well me. I have all the memories filed away safely.

Maybe that just makes me odd, I don't know?

I do not ever expect to stop loving my ex-wife. Furthermore, I have some great memories which I have no intention of discarding. Heck, the way I see it, my ex-wife may have gotten the bulk of the money in the property settlement, but I'm the one who got to keep the good memories, while she had to jettison them. On the whole, I'd say I got the better end of the deal.

But that said, I'm not hung up on my ex-wife any more. My problems with feeling guilty about dating don't have anything to do with a sense of being unfaithful. Rather, I am badly hung up on someone else who does not reciprocate my feelings. (Yes, she is unmarried and unattached.) And while I do not feel any "loyalty" to this woman - who could care less whether I were dating someone else or not - I am uncomfortably aware that my feelings constitute "baggage." For me to "date" someone who might be going into the experience with the idea of evaluating me as a marriage prospect...well, it just seems like it would be unfair to her.

I have "gone out" with a few women, but in all cases I am almost certain that they viewed it purely as a friendship thing. I'm OK with that.

I don't know about flirting. I'm not comfortable with the idea that I might "lead someone on" when I have no such intention. And when I have had such an intention, it has been unwelcome. So, I stay away from flirting.

On the other hand, the fact that no female has ever demonstrated any romantic interest in me that I could recognize (with the exception of my ex-wife, and then only after a long friendship) could indicate that my caution is serving as some sort of signal to stay away.

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