I'm posting this here and on the Divorced but Not Done Page. I can't believe my H, who I was divorced from last Monday, is marrying the OW on Monday. (She divorced her H a few months ago.) Yesterday was a really good day. I felt good, had lots going on, and was of the mind that my H's and the OW's honeymoon can't come to an end until their "marriage" begins. Last night, I had another bad dream, however. (I am so sick of these darn things I can't hardly stand it.) I won't go into it but suffice it to say, it involved my Ex and the OW getting hitched. Anyway, I think those of you who know me from here know how hard I've worked on getting through this this past year. I am proud of myself and think I've done a darn good job swimming through the pain, growing taller and stronger instead of shrinking away, learning, reaching out, etc. For the next week or so, until the wedding is over at least, I have decided to give myself permission to indulge my biggest neuroses. Again, many of you already know what it is. I seem to become very calm and get great comfort when I am convinced they can't last, they won't be happy, regardless of where I end up, he'll regret what he's done (for those of you who don't know my old posts, the OW has serious spending problems, lies, and breastfeeds other people's children without their permission in group settings) As Penny and Robin have taught me - an addiction is an addiction, however, and let me tell you - my H is way addicted. So... Any new stories about other affair partners who didn't work out, regretted their actions, went back to their former spouses... or simply a pat on the back if you truly believe these things don't end up in fairly tale happily ever afters would be appreciated through next Tuesday the 17th. Only post if you believe it to be true! I'll check in whenever I'm feeling really down and will send my thanks your way. You're all so great and our WS's seem so foolish right now...

Getting_Stronger,

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Statistics indicate that few marriages that result from affairs can survive. And if she's breastfeeding other people's babies without their consent (I'd love to hear the story on THAT one!) she sounds like a woman with issues that will eventually come to the fore. At that point, your then XH will likely thunk himself upside the head and say, "What was I thinking?!!!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Hope this helps.

~ Snow

Thanks for the kind words, Snowbelle. If you want to email me separately, I'd be happy to fill you in on the breastfeeding thing. I couldn't believe my eyes. What's worse, is after she did it in front of about 12 people and the mortified mother walked in, she walked outside and announced to a larger group of people what she had done! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> This is something to be proud of???? Yikes. Anyway, she is "fun fun fun" and a long-term stable relationship can't compete with that kind of excitement. Only time will tell...

This marriage will become a

ship of fools

This hurts I am sure ... so sorry.

"marry in haste, regret at leasure"

also comes to mind ....

and I could just hear Dr. Phil's voice saying ... "WHAT were you thinking???????"

Pep

Get some popcorn and watch the show. Reality is about to hit, If they don't marry quickly they'll miss the whole thing. Remember, relationships born from an affair have less than 3% success rate.

I had to go to one of these weddings. Everyone was so uncomfortable. I'd hate to be them. It isn't going to be the good time you think it is.

GS, I'm going to post this against my better judgement... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

First W left me for OM (one of my best "friends"). A year later when she realized she had made a mistake I was engaged to my current W. She still pines away for me. She calls my Mom every once in a while to check on me even 8 years later. She even has the nerve to blame my current W for "stealing her life" The last time was just 2 days ago. My Mom is always sure to let her know how well I'm doing and how good my W is to me. I suspect your H will meet the same fate one day. Maybe next year, maybe in 5 years, but it's coming.

Here's one for you!
My wifes friend cheated on her husband with their best friend. Both got a divorce. They bought a house together. No marriage yet. 2 yrs have gone by. His daughter hates her and they all wonder why! He is a slug and wants nothing more than to play video games for hours on end. He job hops like I change underwear. Complains and bitches to my wife about him. Gave her a promise ring. Whatever the h!!! that means. Continues on as slug! Wifes friend does not know what to do. Met the guy. Shakes hands like and looks like a corpse. Friend is One of my wifes enablers! I laugh hysterically to myself until I have to pee when I think about their lives. OOPs! have to pee!

God forgive me for that transgretion. I don't wish this living hell on anyone!

"It is all fun and game til someone loses an eye "

Thanks, all! Keep 'em coming. I have a feeling this will do good for lots of folks at this site. I just finished a good cry before sitting down to check things out. I'm feeling better now. Hugs to all!

How are you today? I was just thinking, they are getting married on a weekday. She knows she'd better hurry up before the charm wears off. He'll be thinking of his marriage to you at the time, should shake him in his boots. It is obviously not a healthy relationship. Where's the fire? He's not giving himself a chance to grieve the loss of his marriage to you, so he will be doing it during his honeymoon and his first year of marriage.

Let me tell you about that wedding I went to. H had to go because it was a co worker. The chaplin didn't know what to say. His kids from his first marriage were lost and uncomfortable which made everyone shake their head. He got his new wife pregnant right away. I've heard her say, Oh my God, what have I gotten myself into. (She was so anxious and unsure of the relationship, she wanted to "seal the deal" so to speak with a baby-terrible) She wanted him to leave his wife so badly and marry her, now she has a H with a poor track record. She'll loose her figure like every other Mom (well things just don't go back to where they were), she has a H who has to pay CS and spend time with his other kids. Doesn't sound too fun to me. Reality is hitting them-he had to give up his sail boat and sports car. Not a very pretty picture. I believe in karma. She worked so hard to catch him, now she is stuck. You are free to go in new directions. He will envy you shortly. Wait until he starts calling you and complaining about her. Many a man has tried to make their X into the OW after they marry their OW.

What I would recommend to you is to schedule a day of beauty on Monday if you can. Hair, nails, new outfit-the works. If you have the cash, I'd take off for a weekend to Mexico or Florida or even a local resort. Just get away for you. If none of the above work, maybe find some new friends at Church. Try to keep a healthy outlook and not get sucked into thinking that he is having the time of his life while you are suffering. Honey-you don't really want him anymore. Really. Let the hurt go and remember that the best revenge is living well. Do a plan A on yourself. We love you. We are here for you.

NJ et al. - Thanks. I know that this wedding is a shotgun wedding- they're both pointing the guns at each other. It really does strike me as odd that they need to get married so darn quickly (unless she turns out to be pregnant). YIKES. Again, I do know I'm the one who's coming out of this stronger and better. Their nightmare has just begun. Monday will be a day with my therapist and good friends. I'm looking forward to being done with the agony of having the event looming out ahead. ONce he's married, he's married and I accept the reality of it and keep moving forward. It will be interesting to look back on all of this and see where we all end up. Love to all of you - and much appreciation, GS

Tomorrow. He's marrying that fool tomorrow. And she's marrying that fool tomorrow. I still can't believe it....

Try not to get too sucked in. (Easy to say, right?) Your heart is breaking. I'd be sad and mad at the same time. There's not much comfort in saying that it would happen sooner or later but it's true.

The best thing is that he is out-of-reach and out of your life. Now he can do a little comparison about what marriage to a different woman is like. Hope he enjoys his choice. Chances are they will be cheating on each other again very soon.

((((((((((GS))))))))))

While I'm not in favor of eating while hurting, dearie, you need some p-nut m&ms, and a mind candy movie. Lessee, also a group of friends (all very witty and not afriad to let it fly) and dinner. Yep.

Busy. I'm wishing busy-ness today....I'm telling you you've nothing lost today...nothing. They, however, are loosing it all (esp. wxh - what a dolt).

(my ex-mil took my 1 month old son to church with her once and let a lady there nurse him...I was beyond livid...for one, I didn't know that lady, didn't know what she'd been eating...didn't know her from Adam, and for two, when someone else nurses your baby, it throws your own booby balance off....OWIE ZOWIE!)

- Kimmy

I am sorry for this...really am...but maybe I can let you know what to expect.

my xwh, my very very very xwh married ow numero 2 (there were several...no. one was one he was truly addicted to...)whom he was seeing at same time as ow1...

and yes, ow2, whom I call "family values" due to her askewed view of decency and morality, was indeed preggers...she was in her last trimester.

may I describe the wedding? Not really a wedding persay. justice of peace thing. and yes, it was like yours...was 3 days post divorce. heck, the clock was ticking and she was getting more humongous by the day. no big church. no white dress...do they even make them for last trimester weddings? no flower girls...her dream of a white wedding was not to be...alas, da peach is one smart girl...I held off the final decree as long as I could as I had hunch she was preggers...I wanted maybe her to get married post baby...just what I tried to do.

In the end, my xh ended up having contact w/me the day before their unholy event. he usually has jet black hair, but it had gone grey untimely...yea, grey...even his goatee was grey. I had to do the holiday drop off with my son (we exchanged at a nearby gas station b/c I didn't want him even near my home at that time) ...I saw my new xh, and lo and behold he was grey. I almost gasped when I saw him. He said "what...what are you looking at?" I asked him if he was a bit concerned or stressed out from her and if he could actually finally admit she was pregnant...he asked me why I thought he was stressed. I said that grey is distinguished on men, but I had just assumed he was under some incredible stress (ow) b/c he'd gone grey...he sped off angrily...next day when we did the exchange again, on the day of the unholy union, he arrived at the gas station with a perfectly BLACK goatee and hair to match...can we say just for men?

instant add water marriage is not good to do. not at all. there's no mourning time. even a very ws needs to mourn. they may profess to hate us, to dispise us, but they have to let go also if they are going down the very selfish road of home wrecking. they jump right into the fire.

and yes, they try to make over the new spouse into the former one...my xh even went so far as to name their baby the SAME name I had picked out for my son had he been a girl...a name I picked out. that really hurt, but I realize that I have the proof (my son's baby book when I was expecting) and all the relatives know anyway...he bought her the EXACT SAME SUV AND COLOR I USED TO OWN (black navigator). He didn't get the other parts right as of yet...unfortunately she can never look like me unless she tries to die that straggly black hair of hers blonde...and shrinks about five inches and develops a brain...she's uneducated completely after high school. has a previous child outta wedlock (guy wasn't stupid enough to marry her though).

at my son's last soccer game, she refused to let my xh be assistant coach of the team that day...my lord! it is a team of six and seven year olds. she demanded he stand by her side. why? my xh has a "habit" of enrolling my son in soccer now almosdt year round. and no, my son is not quite pele as of yet...he has a dad who only has contact with his mom (me) at soccer games. for last 8 mos., we've been in soccer almost nonstop except for dead of winter. and now the ow/w or as I put it, the wistress (wife plus mistress) doesn't not like the continued contact b/w my xh and I. she's very possessive and incredibly insecure.

she freaked out at my son's birthday party last year, proclaiming in front of lots of people that my friend (a guy and just a friend) who came along with 2 girlfriends of mine (as support system) to my son's party that he looked like scott peterson. my friend was embarassed and shocked. my girlfriends were mortified as were other attendees at the birthday party. (she has no tact). she then proceeded to phone me about 2 hours post party to swear at me for "trying to get my xh back" which is so far from the truth I cannot say...can admit I did nothing at party except come properly dressed, bring the cake and presents, set up decorations. I did not even speak to him much, except for small talk. but the mere presence of me flies her into a frenzy. she even went on in that conversation on phone to say that "I should just be glad I got what I got from the divorce because I have a good college degree and that is what I am supposed to do now instead of have my xh pay support and alimony." now that's outrageous...the ow/w didn't even like my xh supporting the family he wrecked. Imagine that!

so I calmly decided I'd end that conversation by telling her that I am glad she married my xh. that he's hers now b/c I wanted to grow personally and was hindered by him in the end...I also added that she'd best come up with something else in her life, to work on herself, improve herself as when the initial attractiveness/sex like rabid rabbits phase ends, he's stuck with a stupid, immoral golddigger...I told her that men sleep with women like her, but they stay in the end with women who they can think with...besides being attracted to.

and it freaks her out to this day. I can go to a soccer game and she will usually not come. or else she'll show up at end of the game, and walk onto the field inappropriately (none of the other moms do this...not even the other asst. coach or coach's wife) and hands my xh for all spectators to see their one year old baby. I love kids and see what she does and it makes me wanna hurl. as for contact, she is invisible to me. I don't acknowledge anything I think is bad or immoral...I refuse to give acknowledgement or acceptance to their affair marriage. I do that but am not at all openly mean. I just do not va lidate it. as I don't have contact with her.

If you don't validate their affair marriage, you'll eventually learn to see it as I do...it's invisible. It's not part of my life anymore.

and then you get mad...but that's about one month post affair marriage. You will get mad. You'll want to push your x off a short pier for doing the absolutely stupid things he's done. I lost any semblance of respect for my xh after that.

so in the end my xh is already cheating on wifey no. 3. It's documented by several people. His new wifeypoo is so insecure, she won't let him coach his son's soccer game b/c that might mean he has to speak with me. and it's sad.

You will always on some level be regarded differently by your xh btw. My xh dispises me b/c I made him stand accountable for his actions and would not let him off or validate them by just "accepting and being good" about his affairs, cheating, lying, stealing, and abuse of me. On one hand he hates me...on the other hand, he reveres me.

One example: he tells his partner's (work) and partner's wife whom I both know quite well how "proud" of me he is...how he couldn't believe I got elected state prez of my medical society during our divorce. How I had grown and amazed him. He told them and even my son how he loves me. (this I found out over the weekend ok?) and yet on same page, he will not ever pay cs and ss on time. He wants me to suffer, to struggle, to live the life of a desperate nun who works when away from her child 24/7 to make ends meet. Yea, it's a love you but wanna see you suffer thing.

all I can say is it's gotta be bad to be the ow/w. and if he's telling his closest friends this crud about me, it must infuriate the uneducated golddigging breeder.

but the strange thing is they do deserve each other. I am so far from it now, I have trouble at times remembering the good times if any when I was married to him.

recently I phoned my old counselor about this. she said it's a protective mechanism to block that out so I can move on...a way for my brain to just give me a little bit of neurochemical hug or so to speak. and I must say I am glad I can't remember the good times...but I am guessing my xh can.

sometimes i am still angry that he did these things. but he made a choice he cannot take back...and one I cannot ever forgive enough should he leave his fog and want to return. he may want to one day, but this girl is gone forever.

it is sad.

take some time to love yourself and your chldren right now. work on you. grow from this. grow from this pain. you can do it.

I am getting ready to apply to a new practicioner program that will be in its first year...kinda like a pilot study..next fall of 06. My xh now knows about it b/c my xil's and I talked about it pleasantly. He even told his old partner "well she's gonna finally do what she dreamed of doing...she'll be one teeny step below a doc...she is so ambitious now. no wonder she's NOT remarried..she scares the stupid guys away (wtf?)." yea, my xh said that.

work on you...put on blinders. do not look back. why would anybody want to walk backwards and risk stepping back into the same poo pile you just extricated yourself from? think of it on those terms.

you need to mourn. so do it. but the ow is gaining nothing. you may hurt b/c your family is different now and that's normal. but you chose to take the higher ground and fight for your marriage and family. it is noble. You will have no regrets. and that's key.

I think the fact I chose mb and I chose to do all I could possibly do to save my marriage and my family made me a better person. I do not have regrets. I only wished I had gotten divorced from him earlier. so I could have gotten on with things faster. you may feel you "lost life time" and want to skip ahead at light speed with dating or whatnot. I learned about this too. don't do it. date when you're ready. do NOT do it b/c you think you lost 10, 20 or more years of your life being married to the x.

my prayers are with you. this is difficult. but look at it as a death of sorts. You mourn the person you loved...who would mourn the passing of a ws? I spiritually "buried" my former husband. I burned an old wedding picture and buried the ashes b/c that man is dead to me. I did that shortly after divorce was final.

do not look back. do not wonder if they want you back. I am sure in time, that my xh will attempt something like that. kinda like a criminal returning to the scene of the crime. happens all the time. do not envy this marriage..for it is NOT a marriage at all but in the legal sense. not spiritually, not at all what a marriage should consist of.

oh and yes, the blacker and darker you go with regards to the xh, the faster their honeymoon ends.

I promised my creator when it was final that I'd not be the glue that binds them together...that I would not bring unity to such an unholy union by my acting angry, cruelly, or vindictive. that their undoing would be through their own actions and life together. and it's happening right before my eyes.

pray for your xwh. he is very lost and needs prayer. I do pray for my xh. I pray that he finds his way and his soul one day. as for me, I found it again. and I like that soul. I like being able to look in the mirror without shame. I like being able to date with the full support and dignity and even get a few "atta girls" from my older relatives. can you xh get that support? I don't think so for his affair marriage.

you've got the world in your hands now. you choose what to make of this new life. You can mourn...but only for a time. a new life is waiting. it's calling for you. answer it when you are ready.

god bless you my friend.

WOW Peachy. Just wow!

Thanks for your stories and taking the time to write. It has been a day. I'm looking forward to a new dawn tomorrow - and a good night's sleep tonight. Love to all... GS