First off...I am divorced. Have been since Feb. 9, 2005...so, what kind of hope can I offer? Simply this...notice my name!!! I made it through it! Not only made it through, but came through it happier and healthier than I ever thought possible.

When I discovered my ex was cheating on me...I was horribly crushed. Couldn't think straight, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat...probably quite the typical story I should think. Then, we started talking about the possibility of reconciling and yes...she was still seeing her boyfriend the whole time...and I managed to get my hopes up...probably higher than I should have and once again...was crushed when it was decided (by both of us actually) that we would no longer pursue reconciliation but would move on to divorce. I had just had enough and wasn't seeing any movement on her part...and she seemed happy with her bf. So, we started working on a plan together on how best to do things for the kids. Now, I know that we are likely to be an anomoly and we were both able to put aside our pain to make sure it was as easy as possible for the kids.

So, here we sit, shared custody...we just started a new schedule, 2 days at my house, 2 days at hers, 3 at mine and then we switch on Sunday. My house is the address we use for the kids to go to school so they didn't have to switch schools. I bought my own small 3 BR house in the same district...she just bought a house with her bf...and yes I have met him and am now strong enough that I can even say he isn't a half-bad guy. Personally, I think part of what drove her to him is the fact that she can boss him around...but that really isn't my problem. The kids like him and he treats them well so there isn't any problems that way.

My daughter had some issues with her mom when she realized that mom's roommate was a bit more and that her mom had been lying to her but she is now happy (actually smiling alot which is has been so very long since she has done that). My son is more or less able to let things roll off his back so he didn't have too many problems the whole time...but we have talked quite a bit about love and life and what to expect in relationships.

And me! I'm happy, healthy. Not seeing anyone as of yet but there are some promising prospects around the bend. I joined another online site (divorce site) met some wonderful people and journeyed to Chicago the first weekend in April to meet them. The old me would NOT have had the guts to do this. I'm interviewing for a new job this next week that will allow me to get my butt back into grad school...and even if I don't get it...I still will go back...it will just take me longer. I am planning on using my experiences over the past year to assist others going through the same thing.

So...what's my point? Simply this...I've been there...felt the pain, the absolute, horribly pain that infidelity and divorce cause and I MADE IT. I never dreamed a year ago when my ex moved out that I would be sitting here with a smile on my face...sharing my joy at living the life I live (and have lived). I would NOT change one single minute of the last year of my life. It has changed me certainly...but not all of the changes are bad. I send out my hugs, thoughts and prayers to those of you that are experiencing the pain you are...feel free to pm me if you need...

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I'm glad you're making it. It's nice to see someone come out happy on the other end being the BS.

I hope someday to say the same.

My WH has been living with the OW for almost 9mos now but I don't seem to be in the same place as you are only after a year. I can't imagine ever being okay w/everything - maybe that's part of my problem.

Anyhoo, like I said - glad to hear you're doing well <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Made it!!!

Yes you did!! And isn't that a great feeling? You are not allowing someone elses actions control you or your life.

I am sure there are days that are hard, that's for any of us. It's how we handle those days and how much control we give to them.

There is hope for all BSers we do all make it, and it's great to be on the other side of that horrible tunnel of pain.

Take heed others you too will make it!!!! Keep your chin up and keep smiling it makes them all wonder what you are up to!!!!!

Dawn:)

There is hope and I agree with MadeIt. I also have never been happier. 4 years ago when my whole world exploded, I never thought I would survive. I did not sleep or eat for months. Had to finally go on anitdepressants to survive. I felt like someone was cutting off a body part with a plastic knife. Oh---- the pain was unbearable but thank God, He showed me how to work through the pain and I have come out on the other side. One big part of recovering was to feel the pain, let it hurt, get it out and face it. then work through it and find a way to lessen the hurt, to get out from under it. MB was a part of that process.

I have no interest in my former spouse as a husband. I see him as he is (finally). I see him often and we are friends. We even socialize sometimes and of course, we have family get togethers with our grown sons and their families.

My former spouse let me know a month ago that the affair is over and he did apologize for the way he hurt me. He repeated a couple of times that he still can't believe the pain he caused me. BUT, nothing about the source of our problems have been dealt with on his part. He is still actively drinking and does not know how to handle his feelings and I will never live with an alcoholic again so the prospect of ever being married again is about zero for us. But that is ok. I am done trying to force him to change or to try to force something to happen the way it ought.

My life is full, enriched and ever so peaceful. When I come home and get away from the crazy world we live in, I have a place to rest and recharge my "battery". No more exhausting nights waiting up for a wandering spouse. I have learned how to be ALONE. It was a hard lesson but I can do so many things alone and really enjoy the solitude. I also enjoy the times I am with family and friends. I can regulate what I do and when I just want to be alone.

The only thing I sometimes struggle with is wanting a house. My son and DIL live in my former house with stbx and I must say visiting is a tad draining but it works out ok. I shake it off quicker than I used to after I leave.

So all in all, my life is just like I always wanted it to be.

TW

Tossed,

You sound awesome, I remeber some of that pain that you went through, I prayed for you!!! MB was a big help in healing for me too.

I'm glad that you are doing so well. I am waiting for the day that the x acknowledges what it is he has done to those around him, other then himself. I don't dwell it I just wait!! When and if it comes it will just be said.

Have a great day!!!

Dawn <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi Daybreak, I remember you and your prayers. Thank you!!!! How are you doing? How are your kids? Did they survive as well as you have? My kids are fine with it all now---just some mention occassionally of how they will have to take care of 2 separarte parents some day. I know that can weigh on grown children.

TW

"...he isn't a half bad guy".

Made It, I am glad you are doing so well but do you really feel this way? This man helped to destroy your marriage and family and I am sorry but your post sounds a bit too forgiving for this person,IMO.I just hope that you have made it clear and will continue to make it clear to your kids just how wrong it all was even though you all seem to be coping together in certain ways.It should never be construed as anything but wrong so the kids do not get an impression that what their Mom did was ok.

What I always worry about is people accepting this kind of behavior to some how live a life that is not challenged.People should continue to be outraged and speak the truth about how horrible this kind of decision a WS makes is.Yes we all have to find ways to live with what happened and to help our children but Infidelity is all too common place as it is and I really wish there would be more punishment for those who cheat.I don't mean to offend you by my opinion here but it touched a nerve and I know for certain that I will not be as forgiving to my STBXWH and homewrecking OW as you have been.They do not deserve it and never will.Not being "Ok" with it all doesn't mean that you are abnormal and the passage of time does not erase what transpired.There are ways to support our kids without accepting homewreckers/cheaters into our lives.I will not allow that to be a part of my nor my childrens lives.

Good luck to you.

O

I actually see this a little differently (though we are all entitled to our own opinions!). I think to hold on to the anger is unhealthy.

I totally agree that infidelity is very wrong and very destructive. I also admit I've made that mistake. Maybe part of my feeling as I do is that I would hate to think someone would avoid me forever because of something that I did in my past that I am sorry for, that I have no intention of repeating.

But even applied to someone in my now XH's situation, where the infidelity destroyed a marriage, or to his dad and step-mom, who are the same situation...

My XH's mother held anger and resentment for years and years after her husband (my XH's father) left her for the OW. It made her bitter, and to an extent she's still that way today, and it's been over 20 years. I don't want to end up like her. I want to let go and be able to be healthy.

His dad and step-mom admit that their 'beginnings' were not right. They don't ask people to agree with what they did. But they are still married (she's "not a half-bad person" either--I actually like her better than I like XH's real mother). I saw how much it hurt my XH and his sisters when it happened. I thought he'd never repeat it in his own family--yet he did, at almost exactly the same age his father was when he left his mother.

I've experienced hurt beyond belief, losing my first love. I thought about this today: It's not so much the physical betrayal that hurt so bad, but that he just turned his back and walked away from me. And if anyone reading this reads my other posts on here, they know I'm having some serious anger and resentment issues because of this and other issues.

But I truly don't want to carry the anger and resentment about the affair with me all my life. I agree affairs are wrong, but I don't want to hate the affairees (is that a word?) forever. I pray for both him and OW, that someday they'll get their lives together. I'm angrier at him for still being so evil to me, for sticking me with bills that aren't mine, and for coming out smelling like such the rose.

The other thing: while I agree it's wrong and have talked at length with both my kids about my beliefs, I still want them to remember that XH is THEIR FATHER regardless what he is or isn't to me. Because of his alcohol issues, I don't push my daughter to spend much time with him. But if he were sober and more stable, I would be pushing the issue more. I don't want them to just grow up with a mother. I want them to have both, even if the two are no longer together.

Just my feelings. I have some healing yet to do, but I have goals, and a big one is to forgive and move on.

LL

Hi LL,

There is a difference between just not accepting bad behavior and those who have hurt you and being filled with anger and resentment your whole life.I can personally say that I am not angry hardly at all anymore and like you have had my lion's share of ill will toward the homewrecker in my situation.But it's just a case of me not allowing people who have hurt me,my children and two entire families to be a part of our lives.My STBXWH is my children's father and they have a routine that is set up now that is based upon my WH's decisions but I have chosen not to allow him in my life anymore.He recently chose to continue to live where the homewrecker does(in another country, 7.5 hours away) forgoing being near his children and which only allows him EOW with them.Like I mentioned to another poster on another thread,I will not try to bridge a gap that my WH keeps widening.I will never bad mouth the children's father,in fact,we really spend very little time,if at all,talking about him nowadays.They realize that this is who Daddy is now and are trying to cope and live their lives with all these changes.

But not accepting someone,like the homewrecker,into our lives because of what she helped to destroy,is not a weakness nor abnormal.On the contrary I think it is healthy,at least it is for me and as you mentioned we all have our own decisions to make.There are a myriad of other instances where I would not allow certain people to be in our lives either: drug abusers,if my WH physically abused me,rapists,child molesters(i.e. a coach or priest) other toxic people,you get the idea.The kids will always have a relationship with their father(to what degree when they are older I do not know) and I will encourage that as best I can but it is up to HIM to make it last and be a caring and supportive person who looks out for their best interests which he has failed at in many respects thus far.

The passage of time,for me,does not mean I will relent and accept what my WH has done.We spend months here in the intial stages of the Infidelity discovery trying to cope with what is being done to us and our families and we go through our plans and counseling learning to survive and find ways to deal with it all but just because 20 months have passed will I say "Oh well,let bygones be bygones".My WH continues to live as a selfish man making decisions based on his own well being and no one else,refused to make ammends and lives far away from his family and children to avoid any interaction as much as possible and the homewrecker has achieved her goal of destroying our family so she can have my WH for herself and place demands upon him for the same things he ran away from.

Forgiveness is a choice,like letting go of anger, and one in which we all come to in our own time or maybe not at all.Certainly for one to forgive there has to be some true regret on the part of the perpetrator I would think,at least for some of us.However, I am not ready and I don't think it's time to forgive yet.But I hold no ill will anymore like I used to but I also will not accept that everything is just fine either.It is not as my children continue to struggle with what has happened and we try to cope without this man in our lives now while homewrecker gets his time,undeservedly.I will never forget what he put my children through,let alone me.They have their own sick life now that does not include us.

Interestingly,LL,why would you pray for your ex and the OW to get their lives together? Why would you pray for "evil" to thrive? This is just my opinion and I do realize that there are those who pray for everyone and everything but this I do not agree with.It doesn't make you a bad person because you do not support these two people who have hurt you terribly and your kids.If you must pray for these two then why not ask for God's divine order or for the best outcome which may inlcude,in Gods plan,their failure? I do not pray at all for the homewrecker,naturally,and I do pray for my children and our families and friends(including MB).I do not pray either for my WH anymore but that is something I am still working on,how I want to deal with that.

Anyway,I am sorry you are now dealing with anger and resentment issues.I think we have both read eachother's stories many months ago and it is no big secret how I loathed the homewrecker but that has all but passed now after all this time.I hope it will for you too and if I may say so,the one biggest thing that has helped me "recover",shall we say,is that I am not in contact with my WH at all except for Mediation and children's issues(like Plan B) via infrequent e-mails.It has done wonders for me to help me heal.I haven't seen him in months now and I feel so much better for it.

*Sorry for the TJ Made It*

O

OG - no need to apologize...you have something to say that this thread helped you to say...go right on ahead.

As for me...yes, I truly do feel the way that I have said. How the heck can I feel this way? There are two major reasons why I feel this way. First off, I came to the realization that I was NOT as innocent as I first believed I was in my marriage. I had some horrible anger management issues and was verbally abusive. Does that justify her cheating on me? Certainly not. But in realizing this, I realized that I could only control myself and my own thoughts and actions. I set about getting myself healthy for MYSELF. I found that I had been harboring so many bad feelings toward people that, in my mind at the time, had done me wrong and I decided that I was going to forgive them all...including my xww. Then, I made a concious decision that I wasn't going to let what she did hurt me anymore. I got to the point where I just really didn't care what she did or with who she did it...as long as my kids were not being hurt. Believe me when I say that this wasn't easy for me. I cried myself to sleep way more nights than I ever thought I would...but in the end, I believe it was worth it for ME.

Personally, as I look at what she is now (and what they are) I am sad for her. WTF? Sad FOR her? Yes. Because she hasn't had the opportunity to look at herself and see what she has done. Well, the opportunity is there, she just doesn't want to face up to it. Yes, there are times when I'm still bitter, and times I hope her whole world implodes, but whether it does or not is no longer my concern. I am choosing to move on in such a way as works for me. Each of us is different, I just happen to be a bit more different than most...lol. Even I look at myself and occasionally ask what the heck I'm doing but guess what...I figure that if she is going to cheat on me (not once but twice in our marriage) she really isn't worth me even getting upset about. Plain and simply put.

Good for you Made It.I truly am happy that you are feeling ok about things.That is all that really matters to me when I read the stories here.I hate to sound like an ogre but I do not care about the WS's and their lives if they continue on their selfish paths.However,I have all the sympathy and well wishes for those who do turn their lives around and see the tragic mistakes they made and do try to mend their marriages and families.I have lent my support to many a WS who gave up the OP and came back to their BS.

I know that no one is perfect and we all have our "issues" to whatever degree BUT committing Adultery is nothing but deep seeded selfishness.To me there are far more reasonable,appropriate and less destructive and painful ways to resolve marital and personal problems but that is one lesson that seems lost on many people today,unfortunately.

Anyway,much luck and health to you and your children. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

O

I understand what you are saying, Octobergirl, cause I do sometimes look for signs of devastation on the part of stbx. I will never really see them all cause I think the damage is internal and so much is under the surface and not seeable by the naked eye. This proverb says "But a man who commits adultery lacks judgment; whoever does so destroys himself. Blows and disgrace are his lot and his shame will never be wiped away." That to me is so sad so why should I heep more abuse on this person who all ready did this to themselves.

So, for my kids sake and for my serenity, I choose to overlook the pain my stbx has caused. It has healed for me and I am still able to be friends (which I thought I never would) with him. BUT the OW is out of the picture. I would not have been able to be around her if it did not end and my kids refused to have anything to do with her so that is a bridge I do not have to cross. Not sure how I would have handled that.

TW

Hey Made It!

Great inspiration! I really need that right now! You are so brave too! Again, I guess it is maturity being able to handle yourself the way you did.

I live in Chicago. Actually the burbs. How did you like it here?

Ali~

Thank you Made it....
I'm not divorced yet but I know I will be happier like you in time. I'm glad you are in a better place now and I know that there is hope for all of us here.
Good luck and you ARE a survivor~~~~~

ali,
Chicago was awesome. Great people...great times...actually got my butt out on the dance floor. Wonderful place to visit. I will definitely be back!

TR,
It has been a heckuva long haul getting myself to where I am these days...but I would not trade a single day from the day she left to today. All the pain I have endured has made me so much stronger. I am no longer afraid to be alone and to be myself. For so long, I was unaware of who I was even...now I am finding myself again. That goofball that used to be here is coming back.

To all,
Have faith that your life can and will be good again. Come to really know who you are as a person. I know it feels like life is over...heaven knows I know that feeling...but little by little, things can get better and one day, you can be updating saying...I MADE IT!!!!

Huge hugs to all those in need of one!!!

OG, I think when we pray for other people's lives to get "straightened out", it means for them to have a change of heart. For the WS, that leads them down a road filled with a realization for what they have done, remorse for the damage they caused, and the offer to make restitution to the damaged party to help aid healing for all. It is something I do for my WH almost every night--and the more I do, the more I am set free from the pain.

Forgiveness is certainly a lot easier done for a repentant spouse, but is still certainly possible. "Forgiveness" for me means making a conscious decision to set my life free from the memory of the offender and the pain of the offense. It doesn't mean accepting the WS decision as ok, or even that it doesn't hurt anymore. It's not about them. It's about you letting go for your benefit, not theirs. Only you will come out stronger and wiser for it, and able to trust and love again. The only ones who really suffer by holding on is us....our bitterness doesn't punish them one bit, but may actually help them feel a little more justified in their decision to leave.

I guess imagine how you might handle one of your grown children doing to his/her spouse what your WH did to you. Sure, we might be terribly hurt and disappointed by their actions--maybe so digusted that you can't stand to be around them for a season. But that is still your child, and that caring bond will always be there. You couldn't just decide he/she is no longer a part of your life, but you can decide that his/her lifestyle will not be allowed to trample upon your own.
That, of course takes time. You, like myself, are in the middle of a divorce and to expect anything more than what you are struggling with now would just be unrealistic. You are going through a lot of pain, just like i often do (though, thankfully, less often every couple weeks). Don't worry about "should's" and "cant's" now. It's just all about survival. Later, your heart will lead you when it's ready to move on to Thrive mode. I'm just working on it now; and though it's a hard and rocky terrain, I have so much more hope now (especially after reading MadeIt's posts!) for a better life than I did just a month ago.
God Bless and big hugs to you and your kids OG!

Hello psarcastick,

I took the liberty of going back and reading all your posts,as I usually do for someone I am not familiar with and to whom addresses me.I am sorry you are going through a D too as we all are here.

I have been dealing with my own mess for quite some time now in the grand scheme of things here and like you mentioned,you are just beginning,again,this D process.

I just wanted to comment on what you said about the possibilty of my children committing adultery and not axing them out of my life if they did.All I can say to that at this moment is that my children will always be my children but in the back of my mind I knew that my husband might not always be my husband.Don't get me wrong,when I married I married for life and I did want to grow old with my H but(and there's always a but) I also knew that I was a strong and very secure woman who would not take any abuse from my H either.I do however,consider Adultery probably the worst kind,next to physical.And I do know that I would still be my children's Mother and be in contact with them even despite their terrible choices,whatever they may be but it's different than being an adult in a marriage.I also can't say for sure how I would react and deal with this problem if it actually did occur.I know that my In-Laws were so destroyed and upset at what my WH did and so supportive of me that now they hardly talk to my WH anymore,at least not like they used too and he is well aware that my In-Laws cannot stand the homewrecker either and she will not be welcomed into the family,no matter how much time passes.The whole Infidelity trauma has scarred us all more than my WH bargained for and it's partly why,in my estimation,he chose to live so far away now, so he doesn't have to deal with us much.

I am not worried about should's or can't because I am very clear in my mind what is right for me and this routine is right even though other's may not agree,and that's fine too.We all cope in our own ways and I know of many other's like me here who found it most healing to not be in contact with our former WS's to our own benefit and we also discover ways of helping our children cope and making schedules and routines that fit as best we can.I guess you would have ot know me better and have read my entire story to understand my comments.Many times people have confused my refusal to be a part of the situation my WH is in himself and being "bitter" or angry.On the contrary I am not.I am just taking a stand for my own wellbeing now after so many years of giving of myself to my WH and my children.This,I will not compromise on anymore: my desire to protect myself from this man who hurt me so badly.I feel so good about this decision and it feels right in my heart and mind and I am doing so much better because of it.

Anyway,I hope for the best outcome for you and your children too.Much luck!

O

Amen! I KNOW for a fact that it wasn't until I embraced this view and concept of forgiveness that I was finally able to move on with my life after I discovered my ex-W's multiple infidelities. It allowed me to finally heal and become emotionally healthy where I was able to love again and remarry.

Thank you for stating it so eloquently. Hopefully others will embrace it as well and benefit from it like I have.

TMCM