Good forum! I have so many issues and questions! I can't seem to connect or commit. It's been only 9 mos. since the Dv, but I still miss her. She's engaged to the OM who encouraged her to end our M, so I'm not even trying to bark up htat tree.

There are a couple of interests out there and I've grown close to two. One is an old mentee of mine who has expressed her feelings have been more than platonic for many years. She has offered to explore a more intimate relationship without the pressure of full commitmentment.

The other is new. She is wonderfully suppotive and mature, but she seems ready for a level of partnership that is currently beyond my emotional state.

My problem is this: I don't want to ruin a old friendship or doom a new one by moving into the chaotic waters of romance. I am, though, very attracted to these ladies and am finding this lonely limbo I'm in frustrating. What to do?

While I know of people who have "moved on" by plunging themselves into new relationships, you may want to look at your feelings for your ex before even considering a relationship of any level other than friendship. Do you miss her many times each day? Or is it more a wistful look back every once in a while thinking about better days?

In my case, it took the better part of three years to get to the wistful look back every so often stage.

I don't want to speak for others, but I'm going to guess that your friend who has "offered to explore a more intimate relationship without the pressure of full commitment..." isn't really fully prepared for what that entails. I think there are a lot of women who offer a relationship like that with the idea that once they are in the relationship with you, they will be able to convince you that you cannot live without them and offer them a commitment. I'm not saying that this is necessarily bad, but it is often (usually) unrealistic.

Also, I can say from experience that once you cross the line from friendship to romance, it is only in rare cases that you can go back. If the relationship is successful, I would think that the friendship you shared is a terrific addition to the mix, but if it doesn't work out, it is unlikely that either of you will be able to just resume the friendship where it left off before the line got crossed.

Just my take on it...

T

Good insights from Terri.

I would let both know that you're not yet ready for what they're looking for. And like Terri said, even though your friend is offering intimacy without commitment - with her admission of having feelings for you for years my guess is that she's hoping the sex will lead you to want to commit to her.

With the new woman I'd say take it slow but don't write it off completely. Maybe something new (albeit slowly) would help you let go of missing your ex.

Hmmm... get some professional help to build a bridge and get over her. I did and it is paying off. There are a number of good books out there on divorce recovery as well as exploring and finding yourself. And a half dozen sessions with a counselor/therapist can be very helpful. A good one will help you cut through the misinformation we feed ourselves and see thing for how they truly are.

If you had a physical problem you would go to an MD for treatment. Do the same for emotional/mental problems.

Hey Bud,

If you still miss your WWXW I would say you aren't ready to take that plunge into the dating world.

Wouldn't be fair to the women you date, wouldn't be fair to you either.

If you still miss the EX and you start up some romantic ties you will only delay your own personal recovery.

I'm no expert, I just know what happens when you date too soon is all from persoanl experience.

RebornMan

If it were me, I'd work on being friends. Just friends. Because establishing true friendship is (for me) a prerequisite for a relationship anyway, and NOW is the time most of us need friends.

If that's not possible - then (again, it if were me) I'd probably tell the person I wasn't ready for that yet. If the other person didn't respect that, I'd say he/she was a poor choice for a friend anyway, much less someone to POJA with later on.