Question for all of you... I adopted a dog when F?WH and I first started dating - it took a lot of work to help the dog become a good pet, but is was worth it. My WH (then just boyfriend) did help once in a while, but was originally opposed to the idea of me adopting any dog, let alone a shelter dog. We continued dating and eventually married and, of course, the dog came with me when I moved in with my H. The dog is mine, end of story, but F?WH is sometimes lonely and wants to claim the dog as "his" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> our at least "ours."

Now we're heading for D because of his A, continued contact after PA ended, prostitutes, and his unwillingness to do anything to repair the M (4 Rules, NC, etc). It will be final soon and if he lets that happen without recommitting to the M and R, then at that point I will go back to being completely dark so that he understands the consequences of his choices (ie, I'm no longer a part of his life). (Yes, I was in Plan B before and came out due to NC, but then C started again.)

Question: Are pets part of Plan B/D when you go completely dark, or do I let him visit with the dog? If my ultimate goal is to recover the M, am I just LBing by not letting him visit the dog, or am I enabling the A/WS behavior by not going completely dark, including my dog?

Does your dog miss your WH? Is your WH paying support? Do you physically have the dog? Are you the person feeding it, walking it and picking up the mounds in the backyard?

IMVHO, it's your dog. Okay, okay, in the county I live in (a flaky place) you are considered to be the guardian of the dog. Not the owner. If WH wants to pay doggie support, let him see the pooch. If not, let him get, train and develop a relationship with another dog. Gosh, he did it with an OW , he oughta be able to do it with a dog...

Hi Grape,

Thanks for your reply. By the way, I've kept up with some of your posts and I'm so impressed by how you've handled yoru situation. Answers to your question are below...

--Does your dog miss your WH? I don't know - she's definitely my dog & loves/needs me, but she is fond of him
--Is your WH paying support? no, although when we were together we did split expenses, such as groceries (includes dog food, even though he literally makes 12-15x what I make)
--Do you physically have the dog? yes
--Are you the person feeding it, walking it and picking up the mounds in the backyard? yes - I care for her and exercise her and make sure she gets her regular medications
--"let him get... and develop a relationship with another dog. Gosh, he did it with an OW , he oughta be able to do it with a dog..." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> This advice is spot on and more true than you think --she is a dog, except on the inside becuase she lacks the kind heart and goodness that most dogs have--anyway ...

Butterscotch, You made me laugh. OW<dog. (math speak for OW is less than dog) How very, very true. Actually, don't demean dogs by even comparing them to OW. Dogs crap in the backyard. OW crap all over our lives. It's interesting how the doggies sense when you need a little comfort? One of mine has his head on my foot as I type.

BTW: Your kind words about how I've handled my situation hit me hard this morning. The weekend is running over me. I've got 2 DD sport events, a senior farewell for DS and a bridal shower to go to. There's 2 weeks to spruce up the house and yard before graduation. If WH was around, it would make the logistics so much easier. Fortunately, the woman the shower is for is engaged to a wonderful man and they have an excellent relationship. Because I know that, I can have fun and won't be jumping up yelling "Run, run as fast as you can...."

I woke up feeling like the limbo MB failure. I'm lonely and sad. I wish I could talk to my husband but my H doesn't seem to inhabit his body anymore. Neither the kids or I have seen or spoken to him for 3 weeks. It gives me strength when I think somebody thinks I'm doing something right. What a hard road we BS have. Infidelity sucks.

Oh Grape, I know how you feel. I was in a type of MB limbo for a long time - meaning that the A was over but my H was unwilling to do anything to repair our relationship (NC, etc), so I never really felt like we were in a full-blown recovery. I had to set boundaries finally on NC, etc, and my H said he wouldn't do those things, so we are Ding. MB just didn't seem to work for my M or for me feeling better and I felt like a complete failure.

However, you are not a failure at this! I've read about the things you've done with your children and how strong you've been for them during this period. (I have not been nearly as strong and I don't even have children-- I fell apart completely, due not only to H's A, but his cruelty.) Your H is missing out on you and your children, and one day he will realize that. Also, you have a luxury your H doesn't have, you can be proud of what you've done for your family during this time. If your children don't realize it now, one day they will understand just how much you went through and what you did for your family.

Yes, infidelity sucks, big time, and I feel like I am getting the fallout from my H's misdeeds. That being said, because my H keeps justifying and excusing, instead of standing up to make things better, he is actually suffering more than I am. He even admits that he is "f*cked up" and depressed -- I think in the back of his mind he knows his rewriting of history, blame shifting and excuses are all lame and it's eating him up. So, maybe in the end we are better off because we walk through fire right away and get to the other side, whatever the outcome, while they are in a slow burn and they don't even realize it until it's too late. I'm not making any sense now, am I?

Anyway, my point is that my H hasn't learned any good relationship skills and his next relationship will be plagued with his LB's, As and all these other things, not to mention his shame/guilt (he's trying to get me to promise not to tell anyone what he did to me-I guess he's already decided not to be completely honest w/ the next OP). On the other hand, you and I have learned a lot and if our M's don't work out, then we will have the skills and the clean conscience to have a great R the next time.

I hope you have a great weekend. Take care

geez this sounds familiar.....well in my experience...after WH left us and divorce papers were filed...DS and I adopted a dog to fufill may of the needs WH abandoned...security, companionship, family, etc. well come x-mas time he buys the dog toys....o.O suddenly she is one of "our" pets..along with 3 three cats we owned during our marriage.....Wait...so the dog who became a member of DS and I's family is now WH's dog to....*buzzer sound rings* WRONG!...My dog will never be WH's dog...he hasn't earned anyrights to try to own her....let alone try to be her "daddy". why he still consider everything "ours" is beyond me.....he wants it over...it's over....now if he will stop avoiding meeting with me to discuss finalizing the divorce instead of avoiding the issue.....so you see it's not just you...all WS's think they "own" your pets when they leave...even if you adopt them after they leave. It's there mental illness thinking they didn't do anything wrong and they have a right to anything they want.....it's called being delusional.....

bumping for some more opinions -- thanks

Just found this thread. I find it interesting. WW and I have two dogs and a cat. All of them were acquired during our marriage.
At the meeting for temporary orders, WW voiced her resentment that when I went to plan B and changed the locks on the house, she could no longer see the dogs. She said, " you locked me out of the house and I cant see the dogs. Those dogs are like my kids." We have no children so I can see what she is saying here. My thought was...and maybe I should have said something was...." Well, I am glad we never had children, because you would have walked out on them just like you did with me and the dogs."
Glad she showed her true colors before we had children. Although the main reason we never had children and we just had dogs, was because having the dogs would not make her lose her figure. Seriously folks, that was this woman's main problem with having kids!

Bwhaaaaaaaaaaaa <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

so right on !

Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />