Need insights and advice from Mel, who's wonderfully firm and wise, and others who can help me see what needs to be done.

Briefly:
- Married 9 years, known 19 years
- FWH had two As- with colleagues 10 years younger, A's totalled 3 years. A's began second year of our marriage
- for years FWH, prowled the internet for sex... don't know if he had ONSs
- DDay exactly two years ago. We tried rebuilding.
- We fight so often... I am tired. I am worn out.
- I signed D five weeks ago
- FWH agrees to D, tells me each week he will sign, but does not.
- Says he still loves me. But won't come back/home for all the fights
- I can't trust him... not only for the As, but for $$, for his activities etc
- He continues to do things and goes to places I don't like... where slutty girls are.
- I know he is very skillful at hiding things... lying, non disclosure
- I am constantly frustrated because I can never know what is on his mind, what his thoughts and feelings are
- I do admit, when we fight, I have the upper hand with words... he can't ever out me. This is my part in the breakdown of the M. I hurt him deeply with what I say and he is not able to stand up to me.

I am truly, emotionally worn out. I can't sleep at night and am not concentrating at work. I forget things. I lose things. I am short tempered.

If H doesn't want D, I want an explanation.
All he says is "I still love you". What's that, if he doesn't want to come home to be with me? What's that, if he still begrudge me for all the fights we had? He doesn't want to take holidays with me, he doesn't want to have SF with me. There's no intimacy, no sharing... aaaaarrggh!!!!!

BUT, he will pay some of my utility bills and some grocery... and bought me roses for my birthday. Generally, he is a conflict avoider, so we don't ever get to resolve issues.

I've been in this hellhole too long and I need to move on.
Before I take action to file the D separately, could you advise me... should I just file separately, or talk to FWH one more time-- I don't even know what to say... I don't even know if I want this marriage with a man I can't understand. I feel this man doesn't even want to be with me... and I can't trust him to be with me for the rest of my life.

Ruffled, thanks for the compliment, I hope others chime in and give their thoughts, too.

I think it matters not what your H "wants," but what you want. When you filed for divorce, did you do it because you were ready for a divorce or were you playing a game to shake him up? If if was the former, then I would move forward with the divorce. If it was the latter, you can see for yourself that it didn't work.

See, I think you very much do understand him. You understand that he is not a faithful, monogamous man who values the basics that are required to maintain a marriage, ie: respect, fidelity, honesty, committment. He values none of that.

And you do understand that very well. But....you don't accept that.

You are operating under the delusion that if you just say the right thing or act the right way, he might change. Well, that is fantasy land. You can't change the man. He is what he is and you can't change his personality. There isn't a thing you can say that will change a man against his will. He is perfectly happy just as he is.

Your mission is one of acceptance. You must decide if you can accept him as he is, an unfaithful, dishonest man who is incapable of committment. If you cannot accept that in a marriage partner, then I agree you should move forward.

I filed for the divorce because I didn't want to be in a limbo anymore-- for a long time, through the marriage and throughout the 2 years separation, I felt I was married but DIDN'T have a husband. I WAITED for him to love me!

During the separation, I realise my own rotten behaviour during our fights. And after signing the D, I was even more remorseful at my own actions towards H... I picked fights because I was so frustrated with him for not paying me any attention and not spending time with me. I truly thought it was my own actions that turned him away. Yes, you hit it right on the spot (see... that's the wisdom and insight I seek from you!) when you said if I changed my behaviour, he might change.

I did change my behaviour for periods of time during the marriage. But he didn't reciprocrate. He kept reminding me that I fought with him constantly, even when I didn't. He used that to manipulate me. He also ignored me. I have to give up my ENs to live peacefully with this man. I have to be happy receiving nothing but a leftovers in this marriage.

I have self-worth. If this man does not value me as someone who will give love and support in a marriage, it is his loss! It is just hard to accept that he married me for his own benefit only. I served him like a good wife for years and I got *&%4 in return! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

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I have created a new 'habit'. Everytime I get mad, I will do something good. I will go visit my young nephews today and help babysit. Then I will buy myself a nice lipstick on the way home.