this is the first time i've posted here. though i've been visiting this forum for helpful advice. dday for us was 3/12/05. my WH had an affair with his co-worker. the OP's husband work at the same office, and it helped revealing the affair to him because he's constantly "guarding" her and making sure that OP and my WH dont get in contact. the ideal situation would have been for my WH to change jobs, but it is not possible at this time (i.e. in the middle of a project; no other potential alternate-job yet).

it took a month after dday for my husband to be remorseful about the A, but i think we're on our way to recovery. he spends more time with us, no longer hanging out as much with his office friends (who were friends with OP). i've been trying to respect him and honor him as my husband, showing him my love. on his part, he has been supportive of me everytime i have this hurt-attacks - answering most of my questions, reassuring me that he no longer make contact with OP other than work-related (they belong to the same team). I have asked him what can i do to make him happier in our marriage (and other questions to seek out his emotional needs) but he says he doesnt know. that i am ok, and that i did not create the environment that drove him to have an affair. maybe he's still in a fog, and does not know heads and tails about what and why things happened. i have been asking him to go to MC, but everytime i bring this up, he gets really defensive and tells me that he will not go and he knows what he needs to do to make things right again. he also refuses to read any of the books i suggest. i've not pressured him to do these things anymore, and i just take each day as it comes.

lately, i've noticed though that he's staying up late and going into the internet. and sure enough, when i check recently modified files on his computer, i saw all the downloaded pornography movie-clips. i asked him about it, and he says he doesnt understand why i worry about everything. says he, "everything im doing is not right to you anymore." i didnt pursue the conversation. he's replacing something bad with something equally bad. he dabbled into pornography in the past, but he stopped after i've asked him several times. and now it's back again. is this a normal way to heal? do i just accept this for now, while he's grieving? but knowing he's into this breaks my heart, because it tells me that we're (or i am) not doing the right things to make our relationship better.