GRRRRR.

I just typed for almost and hour and then my stupid computer shuts down !!

Here we go again......

Anyhow, I used to ask him to do things with me and he never would.

Let's go to the festival - NO. Let's go to the fireworks on the 4th - NO. Let's go to so and so's house and play cards - NO.

So why does he do all these things now with the homewrecking OW?

How do I know? He comes here or to my workplace every monday and every other weekend to pick up our son for parenting time. He brings copies of pics taken on the outings. Usually they're either of him and our son or just our son, but some of the whore & my son have made it in there.

I think he just wanted me to see that she has lost a lot of weight.

( I got down to 110 after my WH left 3 wks after our son was born and she was fat.)

As far as 99.9% of the population I'm the last person to ever judge someone's appearance. It's just this woman who barges into our 11 yr. marriage and chases my husband breaking up our home has no consideration for my feelings. Especially with me being pregnant and giving birth and then for the 1st week our son was in the hospital with health concerns, then two wks later she convinces him to move in with her!

Seeing pics of my WH & her on the net was just too much for me to refrain any longer about her chubby self.

So anyhow I think he put those in there for me to notice her weight loss.

I told him that if he would've only put the effort into us that he put into her we might not have ended up in divorce court.

He was always so mean and indifferent to me but kind to her. Since he is so kind to her I can see that he could've been kind to me too.

Recently he asked me for his bike because his car wasn't working well. I suggested that since he and Cheryl work different shifts then just use her suv. He said no because she likes to go out after work. I said then have her drop you off and pick you up.
He said he couldn't ask her to do that.

WHAT THE HECK? HE COULDN'T ASK HER TO DO THAT?

There was one time when I was really sick with the flu & he called for a ride since he forgot to put gas in his bike. It was raining and I was in pjs so I asked if he could ask someone there for a ride. He said no.

When I got there and said I didn't know why he couldn't ask someone for a ride instead of making me go out at night in the rain in my pjs when I've got the flu - he yelled at me saying if he needed me to pick him up I would do it when he wanted where he wanted and then THREW A CAN OF POP AT MY FOREHEAD from the passenger seat.

Ok yet after living with her for over 8 mons he couldn't possibly ask her for a ride??????

Why such a discrepantcy between how he treated her and I ??????

JUST SAY NO TO HELPING HIM.

Tess, maybe you need to implement Plan B. And could you tell the people at your office that you do not wish to see him? Tell him to send only pictures of son? Or suggest that he build photo album for son to keep at his place but, otherwise, you don't want the pictures coming to your house unless he can guarantee that there weill be no pictures of her?

This is not about him as much as it is about you!

He will do as he will do. But you don't have to have any contact that does not involve/concern son.

Sounds like you need to study up on Plan B.

Yeah cind, I do need to study up on plan B or something that would fit my sitch.

I see him every monday and every other weekend when he comes to pick up our son. So, total nc really isn't realistic for me.

I did tell him he couldn't have the bike until our D was totally final b/c I couldn't trust him. I also addressed the pics of Cheryl with our son. He said that he accidentally missed that one. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I do want the pics of my son, yet on the other hand many of the pics are of my WH & son together and are a little arrow in my heart. You see his girlfriend is a freelance photographer and when I see the pics at the different locals I know SHE'S the one taking the pics and that they've all gone out together like this happy little clan.

It makes me ill.

Yet, I don't want to not have the pics or not know what's happening on the visitations.

Hopefully I won't see anymore of HER and can get past the sting soon.

It was set up by court order that he pick up/drop off our son from my workplace on mondays. For awhile he started showing up on other days as well to "talk" about him needing this or that or having comments on our divorce etc. I told him to stop harrassing me at work and he stopped coming other than mondays.

It's hard for me to only have contact re: our son, sometimes.

I wasn't the one who left so at times I miss him and want him around or to talk about things other than our son.

I wish I knew how to get over that.

I still don't understand why he's treating the OW so well and why he treated me so crappy.

Could it be that he just didn't/couldn't love me and he does her??

I asked him if he loved her and he said "I love parts of her."

To me that meant = 'Yes I love her but don't want to get into a discussion about it with you so I'll downplay it a little to appease you.'

I mean geeze - he said he didn't love me so that's more than what I got.....

How do I handle the fact that he loves her ??????

HOW cind?

Even if I could have NC with him that would still hurt.

I can tell you why he's treating you so "crappy" because I wrote the book on it. YOU'RE ALLOWING IT! She's not! He doesn't want to inconvenience her but has not problem abusing you. Next time he throws something at you, call the police. Learn how easily the word "No" can be spoken.

I'll tell you what I've told my 19 year old daughter and wish someone had told me in my youth. Have a life, your own life, and make that life so interesting that someone whom you deem special enough to be a part of that interesting life.

Stop analyzing why he isn't doing this or that with you. Instead start doing "this or that" on your own. Make yourself interesting. Become admirable. As I tell my daughter, rocks are everywhere but diamonds are hard to find. They're strong, beautiful and signify precious. Be a diamond! Be difficult to locate. Stay strong. Realize you're precious...too precious to be treated as if you were a common rock. She's not a rock..she's worse..she's dirt. Don't compare her to you for there is no comparison.

jph - you've got it.

Tess - you are enabling it. That's what I was leading to. Tell him to keep the pictures of your son in an album at his house so that your son and his father can relive the experiences together and son can have the album when he's grown. And, if he insists on giving them to you, don't bother to look at them if they bother you, put them in a photo box and stash them away. Only take the box out to put more pictures in it. Then put it away. YOU are the one who CHOOSES to look at them.

Well Tess, as has been the case all day, things are just not going right for me today! I just typed you a lengthy well-thought response and forgot to copy (just in case) before I hit "submit", and of course that was the time I got the error and lost the entire thing.

So...just going to say, my heart goes out to you. I understand. I don't have the answer as I struggle with similar issues. (My XH proposed to OW in Paris at EuroDisney, after never once during our 19 years of marriage suggesting that we vacation overseas).

I think JPH's post makes a lot of sense. I do think we allow our WH/XH's to get away with things, and they take advantage of it. The OW don't allow it.

Boundaries--that's what I need to work on. It's just that it's not a quick, easy fix. And it's hard when you still, at least in my case, care for some stupid reason about the person who has ripped your heart out.

Hang in there.

Tess,

Let me try to answer the main question you started with...

How did WH treat you when you first met, and when you were first going out. I'm guessing he treated you pretty well. I could be wrong, but I would even guess that maybe he did some things with you that weren't always what he liked to do. The treating you crappy didn't come until later.

Well, they are at those beginning stages now. And if it seems like he is better to her than he was to you when he was still being nice to you.... well, for him, there's more at stake. He has given up your marriage for her, so to have her get dissatisfied and dump him would be too hard to deal with. So, he probably gives in to her a lot more to keep her happy. And why would he be so worried that if he doesn't do exactly what she wants, she'll dump him? Simple. "If they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you." He recognizes that fidelity is not necessarily a priority with her, and is afraid that if he doesn't keep her happy all the time, she'll move on to a better prospect.

I mean, if he's doing stuff with her that he never wanted to do before, doesn't that seem like it might be a little... desperate? It seems to me that he still feels he needs to impress her and woo her to keep her.

Wow JPH, I needed that. (2x4)

Yep, you guys are right. I allowed it to happen. I used to "put my foot down" so to speak and he was still the ' my way or the highway' type of guy.

With that said I should have probably been the one to break things off years ago & then maybe he would've come back respecting me.

I was just too in love / scared to do it.

Osx, he did admit to still trying to woo her. He called it "greasing the wheel."

I was jealous that it wasn't MY wheel he was greasing.

Your post reminded me though that he's wooing her for HIS needs not because he truly wants to bless her.

Thanks.

Hi Tess,
I'm in the same boat - and it is hard to deal with isn't it? We could never do anything to my house because we couldn't afford it - yet after he left he built a brand new home - we couldn't have another dog after mine died - he now has a dog - hated cats - my dd wanted a cat for years - nope he hated them - has the ow's two cats at his home? Built her a horse barn etc. That's just the beginning - for years I went to church by myself with my children - he wanted no part of it - never came to their christmas pageants or anything - but now he attends every Sunday because she goes every Sunday. Is seeking an annulment after 26 years of marriage and 3 kids so get re-married in the church? He didn't want to get married in the church when we did. After all of these things I get the same response from people - he is wooing her - making sure she is happy now but what will happen after they've been together for a while? People keep telling me he will turn into the same man he was before. I Guess time will tell. The thing is I am in a wonderful relationship now and am happier then I ever thought I could be - but these things still hurt - so I know this is very hard for you.

Yeah happy, I know right?

Same here, get this : he'd never go to church with me his WIFE but he sits there every sunday with HIS MISTRESS!

OK, I'm confused. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

He did have a hard time though when he sat through a series of sermons on marriage with his girlfriend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> (didn't bother him enough to move out of her apt. though)

He did want to come straight home at one point a few months ago but I said NO. I wanted to see real change first. We had set up a place for him to live with friends for a little bit so I could see whether or not he was trustworthy.

He still says he'd be home right now if I would've let him come home back then but not now . I had no reason to trust him though. How would I know if he was seeing Cheryl on the side still? How about his secret credit card accounts that he had his lawyer say I was a liberal user of? I didn't even know they existed! That's why he had them go to a post office box. He lied all the time!

So I needed to see SOME fruit of a change before just welcoming him home with open arms right??

Am I right?

I have a friend who's WH is still married to his OW after over 8 years. She (my friend) was married to him for 12 years then found out about the affair and asked him to leave. He moved out and married the OW. She's doing great though. She's someone I really look up to. I hope to have her strength someday.

Right now at this point my adreanaline races and my heart pounds just driving past their apt. complex. I can't imagine him marrying her.
Statistically these relationships our husbands are in are doomed though. I hope it happens soon.

p.s. I'm glad you're in a wonderful relationship now <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Oh yeah, I hear ya on the house thing too. While we dumped all of our $ onto his debt for music equipt, recording gear, comics, video games, etc. I had to live in a house without a sink or light in the bathroom for 5 years!

What a dump it's been, but you know he had his recording studio didn't he?? yep.

Then he tells me he's going to buy a house next year and "any house I buy will be nice in a nice area."

Well, hello? What about THIS house?? It was good enough for him for 5 years as long as he spent thousands on his own needs. (He hated my dog too. He was abusive towards her. She died when I was 8 mos. pregnant)

Good morning Tess,
It is awful what they do for the ow isnt' it? I told my ex the same thing - if he had put 1/2 the effort in to our relationship that he is putting into the one with her we would have been happily married. But that's not what he wanted - nothing I did changed that and you know - I don't think he's all that happy. But I am and it shows.
I could give examples until the cows come home - never got Valentines or Anniversary presents and I know he bought valentines day gifts for her and even an anniversay present even though they aren't married yet. It just makes you feel like you were worth nothing. But on a bright note - Mother's day meant nothing to my ex - I did for his mom and he did nothing for me - this year my wonderful bf - made dinner for my kids and I - bought me a plant and then took me out to dinner too. Just to make it clear I met him after the divorce.
I was also told after I asked him to leave (only after he told me in front of the ow that nothing I could do would change his feelings for her) that if I hadn't asked him to leave he would probably still be here???? But again that is the WS babble if you ask me.
I am also in a very different situation as my children are all grown. Which does make it much easier in my opinion.

Tess, I wanted to read up on your story. Sorry we got off on a disagreement on another thread. As I suspected, you're in an entirely different situation. Your H isn't in withdrawal, he's in selfish heaven. Yuck.

Could one reason your STBX shows you the photos is to grind salt into your wounds? Would he enjoy hurting you? Given that he abused your dog and threw a can of pop at your head, I'd say yes.

People who abuse animals are more likely to abuse people. My way of saying you may come out of this thanking your stars. My mother did. She got divorced after 25 years of marraige. My father moved in with his mother before buying a big house to live in with his secretary.

She had ten years on her own which she says she wouldn't trade for anything. Now, she's happily married to someone else. She says getting divorced was the best thing that ever happened to her. Of course, Dad really was pretty bad. I love him, but he was incredibly selfish and self-centered. And the stories I know are shocking.

Tess, Just remember to hold your head up and don't let him walk all over you. No getting out of your sickbed to drive him anywhere but to his own funeral. Pictures of son can stay at his house.

I bet he and OW are in lust not love.

GG, good to see you around.