This is my first post on MB, I have read many of the posts on various forums and am finally ready to hear some advice although it may be too late. To start, my WW and I have been married for 22 yrs, together for 24. I am 45, WW is 48. This is my first marriage, she is my first love and actually the only woman I have ever told that I love. I am her 3rd husband, the first two marriages being very short and abusive. She had three sons from the first two marriages, together we have 1. Our first 8 yrs were like a dream. We were inseperable, truly soulmates in every way. Then the unthinkable, she told me one day she loved me, but was not in love with me and needed some space to get her thoughts straight and wanted me to move out for a while. I moved into an apartment with our son, because she said I had no right to take all the boys. Later, I learned that she was having an EA with her guitar teacher and wanted to move to PA but didn't feel right as long as we were living together. Strange moral stand. During this time the other boys would call me if they needed anything, because apparently she was rarely home and unwilling to play the Mother role for school. activities and such. At first I was crushed to find out she could betray me like that, but the situation continued for eight months and I was doing fairly well and having very little contact with her. Then one day she calls, says she would like to come over and talk to me. She says A is over, that she made a terrible mistake and she realizes now how much she loves me and if I could ever forgive her she would like to try and work things out. Slowly we muddle through and we get back together.
Our lives since have been great, but never as good as they were before. I wish there had been a MB site back then, because now I see that although we tried we were not able to fully get past the affair. I learned from the boys later that the OM left her to go back to his wife. I was never really convinced she came back to me for the right reasons and we were never able to talk about the A. I told her that I would never be the same, that the unconditional love and trust I had for her had been changed forever. Maybe that was the wrong way to enter the next phase of the relationship. She on the other hand was never able to show true remorse. She basically wanted to pick up where we left off and did not want to discuss OM or what led up to the A. Whenever I mentioned it she said she wasn't going to be made to suffer for that mistake the rest of her life and was tired of me throwing it up in her face. I wasn't "throwing" it up in her face but I did have major issues with what happened and felt we needed to talk them out, but we never did get counseling and never really did resolve those issues.
Fast forward to 2/10/05. WW says she feels she needs to visit friends in her hometown in MD. This was not totally unusual so she went, no problem. After she was up there, I found she had lied to me about some things and I was furious. In the past few months, I had actually caught her in a few lies, but she always had an excuse and like an idiot I let things drop. Five days after she originally left, she comes back to town and while I'm at work, she gets our boys to help her load many of her possessions and she moves to MD, just like that. She calls me a couple of days later, says we're through because I'm controlling and abusive. I have never been accused of this before and am totally shocked and confused.
Our sons, all of whom live nearby with our grandchildren, tell me that she has told them that she was staying with an old high school sweetheart whose wife had recently committed suicide. Deja Vu. I am totally lost now. I get cell phone records and find out she has been having EA with this guy for months. At first, I make all the major mistakes, I tell her how much I love and need her, tell her whatever I've done wrong I'll change, have the boys talk to her, etc. Every time I talk to her it's like talking to a total stranger. Everything she says is a lie. Finally, she tells me she has hired an attorney and is filing for divorce, all this within one month of original visit. Later, I would find out she hadn't even talked to an attorney.
The boys have been my greatest source of support through all of this. They constantly tell me that I am a good man, that they have known for years that I deserved someone better, but that I could never really see just how selfish WW has always been. 4/08/05, I file for divorce on grounds of adultery. Still not sure this is right thing to do, but with her living with OM in another state I feel I don't have many choices. Do I still love her? Of course, she is my first and only love. Can I forgive her and do I want to work things out? Most days I say "Never".
In the past three weeks there has been some weird things happening. I should say that after about a month from the original visit, I have unknowingly implemented Plan B. I do not call, I do not fight or argue, I had resigned myself to the fact that she was serious and we were history. Then, two weeks ago, WW calls me from our son's house, says she came to town to visit kids and grandkids and would it be alright if she had the grandkids for the weekend instead of me. I tell her thats fine. We have no contact for two days, then she has one son call to see if it would be OK if she brought grandkids over to my house! At first I say no, but I think it over and realize that this situation will happen again because of our relationships to our children so I call back and tell them it will be fine. We spend the whole afternoon together with 2 sons and their families. The next day it is suggested that we all meet the next day for a barbecue. We all agree and we spend the next afternoon and evening together again, this time with all 4 of our sons and their families. WW and I are cordial, don't discuss our relationship and are friendly. The next day she goes back to MD. Since then, she has called me several times, for various reasons. I am starting to get strange feelings. I was doing fine when I knew there was no hope for us but suddenly she seems more like her old self and it is starting to drive me crazy. She called last Wed. night at 9:30 to talk about "Lost", the TV show we both really enjoyed. Still no discussion of US. At this point, I don't know what to do, we go to court 6/08/05 and divorce will be final 7/08/05.
I need advice, I see no other posts similar to my situation. Is this happening too fast? Her best friend, who also lives in MD, has had no contact with her either. She has been coming to visit us 3 to 4 times a year for the last 24 years and says she has no idea what is happening and even though she was just here three weeks before original visit, she had no clue what was going on. Do women have mid-life crisis? WW is 48 and has beginning signs of menopause. Could
this be a factor? I now am having all these feelings when at first everything seemed pretty clear. Should I delay divorce? Should I continue divorce and be patient with any future relationship? I know it will be a long time before I can think of having a relationship with another woman, but should I leave the door open for WW after all the pain she has caused me and my family? It is not just me, she called after Mother's Day to complain that only one of the boys even bothered to call her and none of them even bothered to send a card.
I need good advice, I need a lot of it and I need it fast.
