I really try hard to stay away from these boards...I find it so painful to read all the hurt and pain giong on! I have actually started a new board of my own and am spending a lot of time trying to put it together!

I had put the Divorce on hold...STUPID, STUPID, STUPID thing for me to do! I really thought ***I*** could work past all the anger and hostility with him....he really did try to be a good man! I was so angry...I started counseling about a week ago...Against HIS wishes...he said we couldn't afford it and that he knew what to do...but he DOESN"T/DIDN"T!

I just knew in my heart I dont want this man anymore! The counselor is going to start working on me with my anger issues...

Anyway, to make a long story short...he was really doing well...we had decided to seee a lawyer and WE would raise the baby together during OUR time with the baby...

Well, he was still NOT willing to do the things that needed to be done in order to move on with US...same old things...quit the NH, move away, etc...Well, lo and behold he goes to work, and says he wants to see the baby REALLY bad...I said FINE...call her up and tell her we are coming to get the baby and see it...nope, couldn't do that...

words were exchanged...mostly civil, but I asked him to leave for the last time...I told him at first he could stay until he found a place of his own, but that he was not to see her or the baby while living under MY roof...simply put, he left, cuz he KNEW he would see her...

It doesn't BOTHER me that I am not going to be MARRIED to HIM...I dont love him...I TRIED to love him...I just could not do it...I could not FAKE loving him...what bothers me is my poor boys...God, they love him so much..they were all over him when he was home! Making it even harder for him to leave I am sure! But nonetheless, he left and he CHOSE to be with her and the baby over us...

He doesn't see it that way...I gave him the choice of staying and continiuing to work it out or leeaving and being with her..if he left that was it...he CHOSE to leave and be with her...he was very sad...

I had a 10 apt the next morning...after getting out of it I have a message on my phone saying that he was oging to BE AT THE APT AT 1:00...he REALLY wanted to go to the apt...HUH??? OK, so I called him back and told him I was done with it...he said I told him 1:00...NO, I didn't..anyway, he went alone the next day...

Now he is staying at her house, with momma of course, and spending all his time with her and the baby.

What bothers me is that he is with HER...He choses her over his own kids...I just dont get that.

NOW, when will I STOP obssessing over this! When will I snap out of this depressin...This time it was like DDAy all over again...I am not eating, sleeping, not functioning...

when will it stop! When will i be able to just move on without him...I had asked him to leave both garage door openers on the porch...he said he needed one to get into the garage! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> ummmm, no you dont! he said it was inconvenient for him NOT to have one! WTF!!! ummm, ok...sure...

anyway, I am just like I was the first dday...I am sooo depressed...I cannot snap out of it! I cant do anything...I cant function!

Only when you make it stop.


As soon as you make the decision to and quit looking back. Stop this revolving door.

You see what it does to you so you know what it does to your boys.




It is a wound that is reopened each time he returns.

Let the wound heal...

Susan

Hi Mom2,

I think it's because of the contact. I suspect that NC would be your best friend, and the only way for you to be able to get your footing.

Dad2 might continue to be a father throughout her life, but I don't think he will last with OW. If he's living with OW now, then the end is that much closer than if he wasn't living with her.

If you stay involved in this insanity, you might end up permanently insane. Is that the kind of Mom you want your boys to have?

NC, Mom2, NC

Take care <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mom, I am sorry that I do not have much good advice. I am sorry that you are going through this. I am sure people will say that it will end when you go to Plan B and decide to separate yourself. However, I know, first hand, how hard and nearly impossible it can be. I know what you are going through right now. Wednesday for me was equivalent to D-Day if not worse. Back to square one..
My only advice would be to gather your support system, lean on them for help, and try to take care of the kids and you. Try to take time to focus on you, and your needs. He can't be what you need him to be right now...
*hugs*
Danielle

I am so sorry. I feel your pain. I don't know your whole story so I am not sure if I can say anything. But it sounds like he has done this before, and that just is rotten of him.

My experience with my ex was that I was in the depths of despair for about 4 or 5 months while he was living with the ow. It killed me everyday that it looked like he chose the ow over his family. And on the outside that is what it looked like he was doing. We divorced. He married her secretly before the divorce went through, something about her feeling wrong about sleeping together while not married--LOL makes me laugh now 9 years later.

Anyway, it wasn't her he chose, it was himself and his addictions that he chose. They meet at NA and went happily into relapse together.

So, in my experience, when my life with my kids started becoming normal without him--went through a few family things like Easter, kid's plays, family visits, teacher's conferences...etc--I started to feel more normal in the role of single mom, and the depression started to lift some. Of course it would come back now and then but I would have good days too, not just all sorrow and heartache.

And something I had to come to grips with is that while I could impose some things in relation to my kid's relationship with their father, I couldn't regulate their relationship. In other words, I couldn't make him a better father than he wanted to be and it broke my heart everytime he let them down and I couldn't really change that. I could only be the best mom I could and help pick up the pieces if he hurt them. BTW, I did tell him that I knew he could be a good father and to step up and do that for them no matter what happened with us.

Well, went long here, sorry. I do understand how it feels to have a husband living with the ow. It sucks.

Tiggy

Thanks for the replies! I think I may have said something wrong...he is not LIVING with the OW, although he spends every spare moment with her...she lives with her momma still! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I know I deserve so much better! He WAS a good father the past month he was here...the kids just clung to him...as to not let him go!

I made it clear to my kids that I will NEVER leave them...no matter what! I hope they understand that!

He has chosen to be with the OW and his new baby...I have got to get out of this funk, I know...and I know it will take time...but I hate feeling this way! i really new!

Mom,

Have you considered moving? I know your mom lives in SAT, and with you dad dying so recently - can you move to be nearer to her, and be further away from WH?

I hear what you're saying about being sad for your children, since their dad refuses to put them ahead of his own selfishness....I honestly can't image how crazy that would make me.

So to me; in order to take control of your life I think you need to physically distance yourself from WH...your mom would probably love to have all of you closer.

In the short term, can you and your mom take your boys on a fun vacation when school's out? It would give you something to look forward to that would give you a break!

I heard this recently ( I think it was Dr. Phil show )

love without boundaries is like a missle without a guidance system

Mom23B

Your problem is you , and your lack of boundaries. (had to come back to edit for explaination ) .... This is not to blame you, but to guide you were to make your next move. Boundaries are to fence OUT the things that don't belong IN .... OK?

Pep

Mom, you have to grieve, and you've started over many times.

{{{MT3B}}}

GC

I can feel the your pain through your post. I am so sorry that you are experiencing this as another d-day. I know the pain, the heartache, and the sick feelings. BTDT.

I know you've wished you could believe that he would change and be the H and father you want for you and your boys. I am sure that it sounded lie it was workable to have OC with the two of you. That would have to be worked out legally so the OW couldn't refuse to agree to that. I am sure she feels as you do about having you around her baby. It is an awful and complicated situation that you must now extricate yourself from for you own sanity and that of your boys.

I still like the moving to SAT suggestion and fortifying your bounderies. Close this chapter of your life. I know that it will be hard for your boys to move to SAT since they won't see their dad as often. I see it as the only way for you to heal and move on with your life. So you can get healthy and positive again as you seemed to be heading a couple of different times already.

I guess paternity was proved positive though I never saw the post that confirmed that. What a shame. What a shame D23 is so F'd up and ever the addicted fence sitter.

You will survive and go on to live a happy and better life without him. You need to start believing that for yourself. You need to work to change your subconscious negative thought patterns. It is possible. I know it doesn't seem so since you feel on the brink of complete loss. Confess positive prayers to God and your inner being. Live and look at all the possibilities. See those as real instead of the opposite.

May God richly bless you.

Mom,

I had hopes for you and dad, but his refusal to have you go with him to visit the baby speaks volumes. All of his previous positive actions aside, with that one action he was making it clear that he still thinks that you will be the bendable one, you will be the one to make sacrifices so he could keep OW in his life, as well as the baby.

You were willing to raise the baby together. He had to have OW alone, without you present. Nothing has really changed.

Your anger about him choosing OW and the baby over you and your sons is certainly understandable. But the baby is his child as well. He had a choice where he could keep involved with ALL of his children and still be married to you. But his inability to do the simplest thing -- see the baby with you present -- makes it clear that he will not able to assimilate the new child into his life without including OW.

I love the idea about packing up and moving to SAT to be closer to your mom. What about that? And you keep right on going to that counselor.... it makes me laugh to think that he feels he can't afford it. Yes, I know, he has the clinic to run and all, but there are thousands, if not millions, of people out here who are paying for counseling and still getting by on a lot less resources than dad has. Besides, he might as well start cranking down his lifestyle right now. Choosing OW over all of his children and you means that his lifestyle will change. Goodbye race car.

Hang in there mom. We're all praying for you.

~ Snow

My dear Mom,

Reliving the pain similar to d/d is hard. It will continue to happen as long as you allow the WS into your lives. Allow your H but not the WS. Can you do this?

The WS comes to you under the disguise of wanting t/b an H and tries to get you to give him his H fix so he can go away an dbe a WS.

Learn this and head off his fix at the start (front door). He will keep trying (which he has done before). The OW never w/b able to meet his needs, she is a needy person herself and in time when that baby newnees wears off, her demonistic side will show (don't care whether she reads this or not.....she already has proven her evil traits).

Be patient mom, it is just a matter of when. Remember my clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience motto? You need this now more than ever dear one. Cling to your personal support group and keep posting here. You will get through this episode.

Be glad you are not Jennifer Aniston whose WS is plastered all over the stores tabloids. I disklike what's her name about the same as Juilia Roberts who BTW even though she has twins she still is an OW in my books. M/b legimiately married but emotionally still carries the traits that created the OW in her. Wonder what her kids will have to say about that.

take care,
L.

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you to ALL of you who posted to me! You ahve NO IDEA how much this means! i was reluctant to come here because I KNOW people get so frustrated with me and I DO understand WHY...I AM stubborn...I KNOW that!

Let me recap the past few months...I'm not sure I did so in my first post.

OC born in Feb...
Filed Div March 22....incidentaly 3 days before Anniston did...
WH begged for yet another chance...I continued to tell him NO NO NO...
Sometime in april I realized MAYBE I can work this out with him...I shut him out for sooo long and was really getting used to being a single parent...
He moved home like April 8 give or take...OW called 25 x a day and hung up...
Things were going well...OK, I guess...I still had no feelings, but I was willing to work at it...
H was very patient with me...he UNDERSTOOD my reluctance...

I was very nervous on certain days, but he did make sure to call me, and let me know his exact whereabouts...

He STLL did the NH thing once a week...things went well for a while..

We saw a lawyer TOGETHER to statrt the paternity suit...Yes, paternity was established...

We were going to get baby for once a week, and then increase visits

As time passed, H started getting more antsy to see the baby/OW <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I started seeing a counselor against HIS wishes...counselor picked up on my anger immediately...Everything H did made me angry...just being there made me angry...NO FEELINGS towrad him sexually...NO SEX the entire time..I tried to initiate it ONCE and he declined...so it made me more mad

THEN this past Tuesday he goes to the NH...I asked him how work was...BUSY...OK, nothing else was said...

He came home Wednesday and I asked him again how work was...he said nothing...I said "I guess your life is a closed book again" He said "I know I have got to quit that NH, but everytime I see OW it makes me want to see that baby even more"..

We talked a lot that day...I told him that he needed to get his own place that I really did not think this would work out...I could TELL in his eyes and I just did not have the feelings...I was very sad for the boys...I told him he could live here until he found a place...

THEN I told him IF he plans on seeing the baby or OW while stilll iving here, dont bother coming home...I also said if he wanted to see her so badly, we could go TOGETHER...and this is when he said He wanted to see the baby WITH OW...

THAT right then sent me into a tail spin...I got his stuff and said get the F out of my house...he left...HE CHOSE that baby over his boys...YES< that baby IS HIS too, but we agreed together that we would WORK On this and again he refuses...

Moving, I would LOVE to move..I am SCARED to move...I dont want my KIDS to have to suffer...MOVING would mean they would have to travel every two weeks for 5 hours...is that really fair???

OH, this past appt I get a message after the appt sayihng that he was going to be there at the 1:00 apt...my apt was at 10:00...He wanted to REALLY go to the apt.....WHY?? What for?? he had already left us...NOW he wants MC???

We were suposed to go camping as a family in June...for 6 days...go down the Frio river in tubes..we had it all planned...I've bought all the rafts, a boat, food, everything...he was so looking forward to it!

I WILL go alone...HE WILL NOT be going with us...

He says he can be a fulltime dad to all the kids...WTF? does that mean???

I was too lenient in my boundries...I know that...and honestly, It is NOT HIM I want...I dont love him...I KNOW that...and I KNOW that staying together for the kids sake is NOT good...it is the comfort of him being here...WE DO have fun...WE are dgood together, just not as lovers...does that make sense!

I am at a state where I almost feel as though I could end up in the Psych ward....I DO NOT want to lose my kids...

I am sure my being diagnosed with ADHD has a lot to do with my anger, irritablity and stuff...right???

The counselor is really goign to work with me on my anger...I am just so angry...

Part of me wishes we could hold out and try to work this out longer, but I KNOW he would eventually start seeing her, as he has now!

I WANT to move to SA...but I dont think he will let me...he says he will put a 100 mile limit on my moving...But my lawyer will fight it!

But again, is that fair for the kids...They have ONE selfish parent, do they need TWO?

I never thought in a million years I could be reliving DDAy all over again...this is almost WORSE though...I really did have hope...he really did seem to WANT to work it out...but I am sure he couldnt' deal with my anger and such any longer so he ran...again!

Part of me just want to go out and have a ONS, just for revenge...but I KNOW that is not the right things to do! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

If you can find a quiet moment try the meditation exercise at the following website, I found it helpful for the anger when in the thick of it:

Be Still and Know

It is NOT the baby he is wanting to see every time he see's the OW. He's not that *into* thinking about children right now. If he were, he wouldn't do this to your own boys.

But, I'm sure you already know this.

Susan

YES< I know this...he uses THAT as an excuse...if he really wanted to see that BABY, he would do so with ME and not with HER! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I have never been one to advise moving children away from one parent and making it more difficult for the far-away parent to keep in touch. But in this case, I think you need a couple of years away from dad physically, to really be on your own, and it would seem that being in your hometown would be helpful.

Dad can drive to SAT (without OW and baby!), see the kids, stay in a hotel if he wants, and see them again the next day.

Yes, I know, unfair and hard on dad. But at this point, I really don't care. He's put those kids and you through hell and all of you need space away from his madness. Geography is a good way to do it.

I'd ask to put in for a move to SAT, at least temporarily. Then go for permanent later on if it seems to work out well.

~ Snow

I think you are right Snow...And since Wednesday, he has not CALLED or even ASKED to see the kids...

He came by here tongiht to pick up one of his cars...I THOUGHT he was with OW, so I went out to confront him....BAD IDEA...I again told him he walked out on his family! He is unphased by it all!

I asked him WHY he came home for that month...I was doing so well, and I reluctantly decided to let him come home once again...I told him he KNEW he would go back to her...he kept saying he didnt' know...there just waasn't anything there for US! I told him he didnt' even try...I explained the marriage was damaged and you cannot repair a marriage by just existing in it...you have to TRY to mend it..he didnt' try! His excuse...He shouldn't have to try so hard...WHAT EVER!

I guess time will heal all wounds...You know out of all the ddays, out of all the false recoveries...this is the WORST yet...I havent' eaten since Wednesday, slept in days...I can barely function...but I have to for my kids!

I am not going to talk to him again...I just cant go thru this anymore!

M23,
I was reading a book the other day (sorry, can't remember the name!)on the physical, emotional, and spiritual development of females. The author has neurobiology training in her educational background. What she talked about is how parts of our brain develop a type of "wrapping" material around nerve endings as we develop emotional and behavioral responses in life. (Darn, I wish I could remember the correct terms she used!) Anyway, the more a behavior, emotion, etc. is experienced or expressed, the more layers of "wrapping" there is around those nerve endings in the brain. Neuro-physical pathways develop related to the experience. The more layers that have developed, the more difficult it is to change that certain response, behavior, trait, etc.

She relates this to many females who have typically been raised to be the "nurturer" in life, family caretaker, the one whose focus is on "connection" in relationships, rather than "competition". These behaviors, responses, etc, often begin in childhood. They are role modeled, or they are the expectations of parents/family members/society.

For example, in my family my role from early childhood was to be the peacemaker. To try and make sure everyone's needs and wants were met so no one got upset. (especially "dad" in my family!) No one told me this was my role, but that's what was expected. My self-esteem, my sense of worth, came from how well I performed this role. My needs got the lowest priority. If mom was sad from how dad verbally abused her, I would go to her to comfort her. If dad looked like he was escalating to a possible rage outburst, I would try and step in to ease the situation.

And I wonder where my co-dependent behaviors come from! Poor boundaries, others needs before my own, trying to keep the family together at all costs,low self-esteem...

These behaviors, emotions, reactions, were repeated over and over and over throughout my life. So, the neuro- physical layering in my brain was very thick related to these experiences. So here we are as adult women dealing with well rehearsed psychological patterns of behavior...in addition to neuro-physical patterning.

Looking at this information gave me additional insight into why we often repeat behaviors, emotional responses, etc, when it doesn't make rational sense...Like taking our partners back.

I don't remember the details on how to change our responses, so I'm not comfortable going into that much. It had something to do with learning and repeating new behaviors, etc,...over and over again...while trying to manage old patterning.

I recognize this information doesn't lessen the pain...or excuse the behavior. It did help me make a little more sense out of this whole affair stuff, and my reactions and choices.

M23, I'm sorry you're having to go through this pain again...regardless of the reasons...it still hurts!

Mom - as long as YOU care so much about what Dad does, HE doesn't have to.
Mulan