My husband met a woman in England in May while he was there for a class. They started corresponding via email and met in Boston in July for an encounter. I found evidence re: their relationship, their love, and plans to join each other either her or in England to start their new life together. (No date set). She has a 2 year old son. My husband is 52, no kids and has never liked them. We've been married a year in May (2nd for both). I set my boundaries - told him to get out of the house and decide 1)his commitment to work on his stuff 2) his commitment to work on us 3) no more contact with the OW 4)cancel his trip to England later this month (he told me it was for R&R) and if he gets on that plane we are over. <P>I'm going crazy. Don't know how to be patient. Hate him, am full of rage. I'm in counselling arleady. Advice? Anyone else been through this. What is the probability of a long distance, electronic mail relationship working?

Welcome. I wish i could say more, but i just want you to know that SOMEONE here has been through something like this, im sure. Sunday night is a little slow, and i did not want you to feel you were being ignored.<BR>Your rage is totally understandable, and im sorry you are going through this.<BR>IMO, it seems like there is not much of a chance for "them", but it will take him awhile to realize it, due to the limited personal contact. That is, normally, the bloom falls off the rose relatively quickly when you see someone day in and day out (esp if she has a kid, and he doesn't like kids), but they are able to put their best feet forward on the internet and in their brief encounters, so this could drag out.<BR>Anyway, some of us have had to hold on with herculean patience for our spouses to return.<BR>Just keep reading on this site, and it will help you keep control.<BR>I'm sorry you have to be here <BR>julie<P>------------------<BR>for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, till death do us part.<P><BR>

I applaud the stipulations you've given your husband. You sound like a very strong woman who will be able to make it through this, with or without him. And if he has any sense, he'll see it too and forget this flighty fantasy in England.<P>Good luck.<P>------------------<BR>Laura<P>"I cannot care a little for you. I love you only just enough to love you all the way."~~Rod McKuen<BR>

Your words give me encouragement. I've been looking everywhere to find someone else who has experienced an international relationship 'affair'. I read so much about asking H to no longer have contact with the OW. But how does one enforce that when we're talking internet and email. Today was the first day since I found out (8 days ago now) that I actually felt grounded. And when I did, I could see the absurdity (sp) in the situation he has created for himself. I'm to a point tho, where I need to share with my parents (haven't yet). They are coming to visit next week and H won't be around.

Do you have his password? If not, you want it now. Insurance. Also tell him you'd appreciate it if he not delete anything. You would find out perhaps later than sooner, but you WOULD find out if contact continues.<P>------------------<BR>Laura<P>"I cannot care a little for you. I love you only just enough to love you all the way."~~Rod McKuen<BR>

Roberta,<P>Yes, bravo, you have made all the right moves, he must realize the serious ramifications of his unrealistic "relationship" and never disrespect the vows he took with you. If he hooks up with this obviously incompatible situation, he will go down like a turd in a well. He would end up regretting losing you. Will he grow up soon? Probably not. But maybe we don't have to hope he will.<P>My question is: what makes this wrong person appealling to him? Similar career interests? An urge to make a radical change in his 52 year old life...in other words, would he have the same cravings if she lived in Des Moines? What about your new young marriage? Was he behaving like this before he met you? If it's not a similar pattern, i.e., "escaping" to someone/someplace completely different, I wouldn't panic. If it sounds eerily familiar, that's a toughy.<P>What is this b**** doing for him? What made him decide that he needed to do such a hurtful thing in a young and tender marriage? Maybe there's something you can do about it. In those rare moments when the rage subsides, maybe you can have the motivation to meet whatever that special need of his is.<P>This is a fantasy, she can't possibly really mean that much to him. So don't take her seriously either, fix your marriage if you can.

Roberta,<P>If I were you I would get a key-logger. This will let you know everything that is typed on your computer yet no one else will. I have the names of a few good ones for Win95/Win98 if you are interested. This way at least you know what is going on and you won't be caught off guard.<P>We're in our sixth week of recovery. My spouses affair started as an interent affair. I found out the details with a key-logger. The key-logger is still monitoring the computer and there has been no further traffic on it. (Just a little insurance.)<P>Good Luck,<P>TxOnlie

Roberta, here are a couple of places you can go to find others who've lived with just this type of affair:<P>www.hostboard.com, under family - Internet Infidelity<P>www.ivillage.com/boards/relationships - cyberconnections<P>Hope these help. I know just how you feel, my H's affair started, continued and ended on the Internet. Luckily he never met her, or I really would have lost it. <P>Good luck!

TxOnline:<P>Where does one get a key-logger? and how much?

Lucks,<P>I would suggest PC Protect. You an get it from Download.com. You just download it right there. You will need to register it...I think it costs $25 to register. (or something like that) If you don't register it a message pops up when you reboot your compute that says it's being monitored. The registered versions gives NO sign that it's running...not even in the system tray.<P>I have a copy of this. If you want I can e-mail it to you.

I would like to know where one gets a key logger - never heard of it (and I work in technology). I strongly doubt he would give me his password now. They are still communicating (I'm pretty certain). He talks of having to choose between us. He said again last night what he wants is to be the father to this two year old that he never had. I'm not ready to force his hand yet, because I really don't know what I want. I seriously don't know if I want to continue in this relationship even if he 'picked me'. So the path I'm taking with him right now is to be as grounded and clean about this as I am able. (I throw my crazy fits after he leaves) He doesn't sleep here, but is coming by regularly so we can talk. There are times when he's not here that I just go crazy and other times when I simply relish in my solitude and being alone. The part that simply blows me away is that he's could even consider that 3 days in another city with this woman and her kid is enough info to make a life choice. I found her email address on a piece of paper and I'm so tempted to send her a message. I know in the long run that would be really destructive. I honestly didn't know we had any kinds of problems. We have been doing 'check in's' with each other every day for at least 4 years; open and honest (so I thought) and fabulous sex.... <BR>Go figure.

Roberta--<P>ooooh, I'd be strongly tempted myself to use that email address. He may be telling her untruths about the home situation. Her response could be interesting.<P>Keep posting. It helps preserve our sanity as we post and share, share and post! Yes, seems like your H has gone off into la-la-land, thinking there could be a future with her.<P>------------------<BR>Laura<P>"I cannot care a little for you. I love you only just enough to love you all the way."~~Rod McKuen<BR>

Take internet relationships very seriously.<P>They are not all fantacy.<P>some are very real.

Hi Roberta,<BR>I know it doesn't help you much, but I am thankful that I am not the only one dealing with internet insanity. I have been married for 23 years and H had an affair that lasted 6 months......until I caught him. The emotional roller coaster I have been on in the almost 2 years since.....is devastating. We are the parents of 10 children, grown, but still we cannot do anything that has no effect on many others. The internet makes it too easy to cheat...and the betrayer convinces himself that he is innocent in the beginning. Stay strong and look out for yourself.<BR>Hugs, Karen<P>------------------<BR>alleyoop<BR>

Roberta,<BR> I know how you feel, bites the big one doesnt it?My husband did the same thing ,only I didnt find out till it was over.At least you know what your up against,I was in<BR> the dark until may of this year.I dont know what to tell you, I dont know what I would have done if I had found out while it was going on.I get crazy now just thinking about it.My husband also spent 3 days with the other woman, and I have read most of the sickening details,yuk. How he can go meet a perfect stranger ,sleep with them , risk losing everything we have worked for , be willing to just throw away 17 years , is just beyond me.If we could just bash em in the head and wake em up .I dont know, its gotta get better.I go from hating him and wanting him to get out of my sight to loving him and wanting to get over this and trying to make it work.Everytime I mention it to him<BR> he just says, well its over ,please dont start on me,I'm sorry ,I love you,it was an accident,I never meant to hurt you.<BR> Well I just had to let that out this morning. Better go to work . Godd luck to<BR> you, wish I could help.