Last night was wonderful. I enjoyed a six-course gourmet meal as representatives from the owners, management company, along with all us department directors christened our new kitchen and dining room at the upscale senior living community I started with a couple months ago. Because I left the management company to work with these owners, I knew everyone in attendance last night, it was a great reunion with many people I haven’t seen in a couple months.

Today, “LL the nutcase” has returned in full force—worse than I’ve been as far as anger and just a feeling of utter failure than I’ve been in weeks, maybe months.

What set me off: A call from a very rude customer service rep about a late payment on that credit card that I’m joint on—the one that my XH was supposed to close, that now contains the charge for OW’s engagement ring. He was one of those guys who refuses to let you talk, and just goes on and on despite you trying to get in a word.

That set me off —he got the full deal back at him and then some, along with angry threats that have been recorded and most likely will be reported somewhere. I totally lost it. I used the Lord’s name in vain about a dozen times along with various other sailor language. The only word I don’t think I used was the “f” word, I’m not really sure about that either. I told him why I refused to pay it—he kept saying “Okay, but you understand we need a payment to keep you from being reported”. I told him that I was already reported a month ago after I DID make a payment, so what does it matter. He said the payment wasn’t enough. It was the amount I was told I had to pay. I told him the credit card company lied to me then, asked him specifically WHEN I would be reported again, and then said, “Good, that gives me that many days to worry about it. Maybe I’ll burn the XH’s apartment down. Maybe I’ll kill him”. (Yes…I was TOTALLY off the deep end in anger). He told me that would also be noted. I said, “go ahead babe!” He told me he would also note “go ahead, babe”. It was a scene straight out of some psyho story.

I got off the phone from him (late for my hair appointment, so now I had to reschedule for 2 weeks from now – the soonest my stylist can get me in, and I HATE my hair, so am also fighting urges to just take scissors to it and chop it all off.)

I called XH—no answer, so I left a long, crying, psychotic rambling message about how they’d probably get a call from the police about my threats, and that although I had no intentions of doing anything like that but only told the customer service rep because he was pissing me off so bad, I was very angry about the promises of payment and how I was again being asked to pay on OW’s ring and that there was no way in h*ll I was going to do that. I also am still short child support so asked about that, and then told him to call me. Blah, blah, babble, babble….

No call in the next 60 seconds (I was impatient), so I called OW and gave her the same story, but because she did answer, I totally lost my composure, made an a** out of myself, cried, told her if I had to deal with this crap all the time I might just off myself because it is too painful for me. She threatened sending me to a nuthouse. (It’s obviously what I must need, but I told her she wouldn’t get it done.) She says she only needs 2 signatures (hers and XH’s)—it’s good I don’t believe they’ll do anything because she’s threatened it before.

I’m tired of living in filth because no one cares to help keep up my house (no, I didn’t tell them this—it’s just what’s making me extra frustrated today), and I am now faced in addition with trying to unhook/rehook the dishwasher this coming week so that the new flooring can be installed. I’m nowhere near ready, I don’t have a soul to help me, and I can’t/won’t pay a plumber some ridiculous sum to just come in and turn a couple wrenches.

So I told her if she and XH wanted a dishwasher, let me know, because I may just unhook it and roll it to the curb, because I don’t know how to rehook it and don’t have the time/money to deal with it. I’ll just live with the gaping hole. She told me it was high time I figured out how to do these things. I told her I was too stupid, that it was what XH used to do for me. And she said they don’t need a dishwasher because THEIR new house has a brand new one.

That, of course, sent the other knife zinging into my stomach. I said, “Yeah, I know, congratulations on getting the house XH has wanted with all new things, a finished basement, and a beautiful deck.”

I feel like a total loser. I could present the long list, but I’ll just stick with the short one because I’ve already wasted way too many bytes of storage space on this site:

1) I am a complete psycho—angry beyond belief—need to be locked up for my own good, probably.
2) God is NOT smiling on me right now for this.
3) No man in his right mind, even if he was nearly blind and somehow found me attractive, would ever enter a relationship with someone as emotionally volatile as me.
4) No man would ever enter a relationship with someone as disorganized as me. I want a clean, comfortable home. I want things to look nice, but for some reason I can’t make it happen. There are always either piles of laundry, piles of dishes, or dust on every surface of the house. Right now, because I’ve had to work late this week, there are all three.
5) I too scared (and/or too stupid) to try to do anything for myself (the dishwasher, the ice maker). Afraid I’ll not get things right and will trash $1,500 of newly installed laminate flooring once it’s in.
6) I look old. My hair is a wreck. Gray is everywhere. I feel about 90. My budget won’t accommodate a major fix right now—I just spent nearly $400 on two kids for prom over the last 2 weeks, all of which came from my now nearly-depleted emergency savings.
7) I resent my XH in a huge way today for leaving me alone, and for ending up with the young babe, the very classy Harley, ½ of my retirement, for screwing my credit up by not paying on HER engagement ring, and for getting the dream home we should have had. I also resent him for dumping his own family and focusing solely on her kids.


The wind is blowing about 40mph right now, and my next mission which I can’t get out of is driving 120 miles in the darned cross-wind, loading up my son at college, and driving 120 miles the other direction in winds that are supposed to get even stronger as the day progresses to bring him home.

I’m looking forward to him sleeping every day until 2pm, playing video games all day and night, leaving oodles of fast food bags/cups all over the house, and doing basically nothing.

I truly do love both of my kids! I just get SOOO frustrated because their father never respected me, and never taught the kids to respect me. It was a big game for years to pick on mom and laugh at her when she finally got irritated, and do exactly the opposite of what she wanted. I don’t know how to correct that now.

So I need to bite my tongue, change my attitude, and just accept that I’m way better off than 90% of people in this world, and suck it up and get on with life.

I’m very, very angry at myself because I’m struggling with that concept today.

Okay, done….

LL - since you are divorced, doesn't your divorce decree address who is responsible for this bill? How can he continue to use it unless HE is the one responsible for it? Somehow when the legalities are over with, this issue should have been resolved.

Sorry to hear things are looking so poorly right now. I can relate to how you feel about doing things around the house. I still have a lawnmower in the box, and a snowblower thar my BIL finally took out of the box for me, but I've not figured out how to use yet. Thankfully now I don't have to worry about it for awhile - but I DO have to address the lawnmower. There are other things too - broken toilet, torn screen, etc. Don't wanna, don't know how, feels stressful.

If I were you I'd be careful about losing it in front of XH and his OW - unless you really don't think they'll try to take your kids away.

Why haven't you called the CC company and said you want either your name off the account or charging priledges halted.

Anything joint should have been frozen when you XWH walked off the deep end.

You two are jointly responsible for anything charged, but if you tell them to stop the account and they don't, I don't think they can hold you responsible for any new charges.

Of course, see a lawyer. Do you have any leverage over him yet? Is there anything you still need to pay him? If so, hold that until he pays his portion of the CC.

T

Oh, one more thing, practice this response:

Thank you for sharing your concerns. If the CC company, the OW, your XH attack, belittle, complain, etc, just say those six words and then keep silent.

Getting upset, yelling, or any other emotional response does nothing to solve the situation, nor does it sound like it's good for you.

Tell them you've heard them, and end the conversation. If it's a bill collector, tell them the divorce decree awards him the debt, and you are not concerned about it, and that you do not wish to recieve any more calls. Give them HIS lawyers number as you don't feel you owe the amount.

But don't get angry, just tell them you are not responsible, he is.

Then, add statements to your credit bureau files indicating that your XH is using your credit and not paying in violation of the divorce decree.

Let him know that you will go after him on fraud charges and perhaps contempt of court if he doesn't settle this in X days.

No emotion, no threats, just statements of what you will do. Then follow through.

I know it bothers you. However, is getting angry and upset working for you?

T

Okay, before I respond to anyone, I'll first say my day went even more downhill after I posted. My daughter had been pouting for 24 hours about wanting to go get some crafts to work on. I am feeling very strapped for cash, but my boundaries stink, so I took her and told her we didn't have much to spend. I was thinking $15.

She picked out her stuff while I browsed (keep in mind this girl is just shy of 16), we got to the counter, and the bill was $50. Stupid LL didn't make them void out the transaction and put the stuff back then. Instead I railed on her on the way home about how that was going to leave us $10 for groceries this week and that she needed to learn budgeting. Her response: "I didn't know how much it'd be. I'm bad at math." My response, filled with sarcasm and anger, was something to the effect of my being very tired of no one every assuming responsibility for anything.

She came back with, "Fine, I'll just have my boyfriend pay you back. HE wants me to be happy!".

That set me off. Language she rarely hears from me flew. We both ended up in tears, her because I know I hurt her and me because the more I got out of control, the more I couldn't stop myself and I just went off on one tangent after another.

The underlying problem: I feel pretty much like I'm dirt under everyone's feet, to be taken advantage of and that nothing is ever good enough, nor is anything anyone else's fault. Of course, by the time I was done ranting, it truly was all my fault and I felt like an a**.

I did take some time to cool off, I tried as best I could to apologize to her while maintaining that I am still upset about her not taking responsibility for her own actions at her age. Then I went to U of I to pick up my son from college for the summer. I'm back now...a little calmer, but I'm guessing my BP is still higher than it ought to be, and my eyes are killing me from crying.

-----------------------------------------------------------
In answer to all your credit card advice:

Yes, my DV decree states that I am not responsible for any of the charges on that credit card after the date we filed for DV, and that he is to close the card within 7 days of our final decree (11/16/04). Did he? NO. Did he charge more? YES--the freakin' engagement ring.

The problem is, none of that holds any water with Commercial Federal, and even my attorney didn't have much advice at the time we divorced other than not to sign the final papers until he closed it. I chose to sign anyway, because I was too afraid of him getting in a DWI accident or something and causing us to lose everything we owned jointly, and I wanted myself and my assets separated more than I was concerned about a $20 balance at the time. It's significantly more now!

I have tried many, many times and spoken with many, many people up the chain of command with Commercial Federal's mastercard center trying to get my name off the card, or get it closed, or get the charge line frozen. It doesn't work. He's the primary on the card. I can't even get my phone number taken off of the call list without HIM asking for it to be done. They did say today that they'd move it to the third position, and call the other two (his work and his cell) first in the future.

And I pulled a credit report last month and found that the late payment from March (the one where I paid the $11 over the phone to supposedly keep it from being reported) has been reported as an over-30-day late already. I have no doubt that this one will also be on there.

I have no idea how to protest the credit report. Like Commercial Federal says, it really doesn't matter if we're married or not or what the legal document says. To the credit card company, who reports to the credit bureaus, I am still 100% responsible for anything on the account.

At some point in the recent past the lovebirds have finally written a letter changing the mailing address and asking for the credit line to be closed. But the balance that remains--the engagement--ring, is still just as much mine to pay as it is his.

I will never, ever sign anything jointly again (with the exception of maybe another house) with anyone, even if hell freezes over and I remarry someday. Well, maybe I would....if MY name was primary.

LL

OK - you can send a certified copy of the divorce decree that states you are NOT responsible for the debt to the CC Company, AND the credit bureau. And ask for a WRITTEN response that they have cleared your credit and taken you off the responsible list. The CC company is required to remove your name if you have legal proof that you are not responsible.

If that doesn't work, call the Attorney General and/or Department of Commerce in your state - Consumer Divisions - and report that the credit card company and credit reporting agencies are refusing to honor the LEGAL document that absolves you of responsibility.

Do it now! (Or Monday when things are open.) This should work.

This is not intended to be insulting or otherwise - but the only thing I can say is GET ON SOME MEDS. You have a raging case of depression, it sounds like to me, and medication and counseling will help you feel like a human being again.

As far as it goes, you CANNOT TRUST ANYTHING A CREDIT CARD COLLECTOR OR COLLECTION AGENCY SAYS. Trust me on this. They will lie to you and threaten you with things that they are not legally entitled to threaten you with. Confused is right - just practice saying those words calmly and guess what else - YOU CAN HANG UP. It's YOUR phone. Best thing I found to do when I was being harrassed due to my exes debts was to not answer the phone at all. Let the answering machine pick it up. If you don't have an answering machine, it might be one of the best investments for your sanity.

You DO need to get your name taken off of the card. If there is a divorce agreement stating that the card was to be closed, I truly do not think that you can legally be held responsible for any charges on that card AFTER the date of the agreement unless they can produce your signature on it.

And you know what else I've learned? Bad credit is not fun, but it doesn't mean you are a bad person.

T

Deja Vu,

I've copied your response to a Word document saved on my desktop and will follow up next week. That's the most advice anyone has given me since my attorney and I discussed it during the DV. Not sure what "certified" copy is. I have three copies (none of which I can put my fingers on at this moment, but I know they're in the house) that are "file-stamped" by the court. It is clearly spelled out that such-and-such credit card with the specific last 4 digits of the account number listed in the decree is XH's responsibility as of the date the DV was signed and that it was to be CLOSED within 7 days of the finalization of the DV. He signed it, I signed it, my attorney signed it, and the judge signed it.

I'm not sure how to send things to credit bureaus, but I know the "big three" and I guess I can go to their websites and try and figure it out. I do know how to send things to my credit card company.

Terri,

I actually AM on A/D's. I take Lexapro and for the most part it works well. I'm on a very low dose right now. I really don't feel depressed (and I can recognize depression because I've been there--usually causes me to stop eating and drop weight like crazy).

I take the Lexapro more for anxiety that will just pop out of nowhere. It helps a lot keeping me more on an even keel.

The underlying problem right now, I think, is anger. I"m not sure why or at what. I think I harbor a huge amount of resentment toward my XH for breaking my heart and walking out of my life, for coming out smelling like a rose complete with new cute step-toddler, new great dane puppy, and soon-to-be nicely appointed home, for taking 1/2 my retirement (hate "no-fault" states!), and for being so evil to deal with sometimes. I don't understand how he could say he loved me and then treat me how he did. And I'm angry because I still do care for him, and I can't seem to really let go.

However, I've tried therapy a few times during my years and there is one thing I do know. I really DETEST most therapists! I feel like I'm flapping my chops and paying money I really don't have (with my new insurance, it's about $50/session out-of-pocket and my daughter already sees someone every couple weeks).

A big part of my anxiety in life comes from a fear of losing everything or going bankrupt. I truly can't get good out of therapy when the whole time I'm thinking about the debt it's creating.

And frankly, I still haven't gotten past my most recent therapist's eye-rolling when I told her I intended not to have sex again until/unless I was married. Therapists today don't see things like I do, and I don't choose to meet them at their level. I don't believe in the "do what makes you feel good" concept. That's what most of them profess.

I happen to like my daughter's therapist only because she's not one of those "feel good" people. She's constructive, she says it like it is, and she's helping facilitate our relationship with each other by suggesting ways we can compromise. She's the ONLY therapist of all we've seen who I can actually tolerate. Problem is, I can't see her personally because that could jeopardize my joint therapy with my daughter. And she's more important right now.

I've backslidden as I've gotten busier at work and home this spring, and have not been reading my Bible or praying as much as I was. I think I've lost my focus on what is truly important, and I'm focusing again on me (or 'woe is me') instead of just trusting God. It seems to affect my anger/resentment.

Oh, and as for answering that call today--I do have an answering machine, and also Caller ID. But my Caller ID is only on my cordless handsets and both were missing when the phone rang in the kitchen this morning. The base doesn't show who is calling. Generally, I screen by the ID. But it was a Saturday morning and I picked it up thinking it was maybe my son calling. It wasn't!

I'll try and be more careful going forward.

LL,

I think you are on to the problem. You get mad because you let yourself get walked on, and then you lash out.

You was thinking of $15, but I don't see where you set a boundary, or if you did, you certainly didn't enforce it. You rolled over.

Give your D the $15 you were thinking of and say, this is what we can afford. She will get really good at math when she is the one who has to have the cashier take something back.

You can only be walked on if you let someone do that to you.

So stop letting them walk on you.

I really believe the anger comes from you not feeling you have control. So take control of what you can control, YOU, and what you do.

You can't control ex-H and how he spends money, but you don't have to listen to the credit card collectors. You can't control them calling you, but you don't have to talk to them. Heck, tell them that you want all communication in writing so there is no misunderstanding. You can legally do this under the debt collection laws. If you say stop calling me, or I prefer communication in this form, they have to honor that request.

And see your lawyer about possibly taking action on what appears to be your ex-H's contempt of court and possibly fraud, if he is charging on that card and trying to stick you with the bill.

Leave it in your lawyers hands. It's going to cost you to pay the credit card bill if your exH weasles out, so why not invest in your lawyers time to put the monkey back on exH's back.

Find some way to stop when you get mad. This is behavior modification. Focus that energy on learning WHY you are angry instead of blasting some person.

It's not your YD's fault you didn't express your boundary or enforce it. You wrote about being responsible. Well, show her the way. She is a 15 year old girl, self centered without the cares you and I have.

Another idea, why did you have to buy anything on that day, when money is tight. There is nothing wrong with saying, I'd love to do that, can we postpone that idea until payday and think of something to do today that is free?

And then hold that boundary. Don't be swayed into spending money if you don't feel comfortable spending it.

I really believe the source of your anger is anger you have with yourself, and you take it out on people around you.

I reserve the right to be wrong, and may be 100% wrong.

T

Confused, you said...


---and---

I think you pretty much nailed the issue. I just keep blowing it and failing to enforce the boundaries.

I'm angry because my XH walked on me over and over, and I tried and tried to make him happy...and he left me.

I'm angry because I still try and try to get along and be amicable, and he still spews anger and resentment at me.

I'm angry because my kids walk all over me, do nothing, expect everything, and it's my fault that this happens.

And I'm angry that my house is a pigsty. It's sort of a boundary issue, because the mess (other than all the dust) is at least 50% caused by other people, but they refuse to see that it's a mess and tell me I'm a neat freak (something I'm not even remotely close to!). So it's 100% on my shoulders to make it clean again. I used to take a vacation day every couple months and do a serious deep cleaning, but I don't have vacation at my new job until next February. So it's not an option.

Yesterday was a waste between the anger eruptions and having to bring my son home from college. (Yes it would seem he could help, but again, the kids just don't do it. I can either kick him out, which I don't see as a good option, or I can do it myself.) Today, after church I have to come up with a salad for a church thing I've agreed to attend tonight, and I have to rip up the rest of my underlayment in my entry area to prepare for the laminate that is to be installed next week.

So now I'm looking at another week of more disorganization, dust, and frustration before I get another chance to clean. I do good just keeping up on the dishes and a bit of the laundry during the week. (I stink at housekeeping).

So, the frustration with me still has held over to today. I have considered skipping church because my attitude isn't the greatest, but I'm going to go because it's God's day, not mine. Maybe I'll come home feeling a little calmer.

That's what I meant by "Certified" - it came from the court and can be identified as such - rather than a possible forgery.

LL - do you have any women's advocacy groups in your area? Maybe associated with the court mediators or others? We have some here that help women with everything you can imagine. Or call Legal Aid, or the Department of Commerce (State of Iowa) or the Attorney General Consumer Division (I'm guessing at these names based on my years in MN State government and what they are called here). These orgs exist to help people! One of them should be able to tell you what you need to do to fix your credit rating.

There is also the possibility that the U of Iowa Extension Service may have materials - I know the U of Minnesota Extension Service has an extensive library of materials in its Family programs - many geared towards divorced / divorcing parents, and many towards financial management issues.

http://www.extension.umn.edu/ is the U of MN site.

http://www.uiowa.edu/homepage/resources/index.html - resources from the University of Iowa (many subjects)

The U of Iowa is, I believe, a Land Grant university - so should have an Extension Service that is part of a nationwide Extension Network - you might do some more research looking for this.

It's tough when all the responsibility for action is on your shoulders. You have to be the tough, big bad guy.

So far, you've used your anger to be the enforcer - and all it gets you is the sense of being weak, and looked at by others as a psycho. So as Dr. Phil would ask, "How's that working for you?"

On the other hand, if you trained and channeled your big bad tough guy enforcer into healthy boundaries then you'd have no reason to be angry.

"Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend was one of the best books I read on the topic. There was a big, huge boundary breaker in my life who professed to care about me. The authors defined the difference between those who love you and those who don't. Those who love you, when told no accept that and respect you for it. When you tell them that they are over the line, those who love you will step back and apologize and be mindful of the line in the future. Those who don't love you will protest and claim you don't love them when you enforce a boundary. Well, I had to deal with the boundary breaker with the ultimate Plan B - she - emotionally attached to my husband - professed to be my friend and to love me. I asked her to respect the boundary of no one-on-one contact with my husband. She turned that on me that I didn't trust her, la-de-da-on-and-on! You bet I didn't trust her. She refused the boundary. Now she is no longer able to keep contact with us. The boundary is there, whether she likes it or not.

LL, this situation you're in is so big, so huge and overwhelming that I can't imagine that you can see a way to a better life at this point. However, you chose your board name "Lord's Lady" for a reason. I believe you wanted to live up to that.

So, find a sponsor - a minister or a 12 step Al-Anon sponsor who is healthy and happy and at peace with herself would be good who can hold you accountable for your raging out of control.

Legally, you need help with your anger or you will wind up in even worse conditions than you are experiencing right now. So find an anger management class and work that program as hard as you can. Find a mentor who can hold you accountable to your goals of managing your emotions in healthy ways, who can help you set boundaries with your daughter - on clothes, on money, on living conditions. Then channel all that emotional dynamite into something productive.

I would be acting worse than you did in your position. Talk about insult added to injury.

Deja vu gave you advice similar to what I would recommend. Also, if you need help writing a letter to the bank and the credit agencies, I could help you - until this Thursday when I fly out of town for a family event. The key is to write a dispassionate letter with carbon copies shown to Attorney General, and everyone else who has clout, and sending those letters out by US mail, return receipt requested, and showing their mailing addresses along with the number of the receipt for the letter.

(John Doe, C.E.O.
Bank of the Big Boom
233 Deadbeat St.
Anytown, U.S.A. (certified Letter #P123456)

Larry Moe Curley
Experion Credit Reporting Agency
5 Main St.
Etc. USA (#P891111)

All of this shows on the bottom or last page of the letter.

If you like, draft a letter & post it here & I bet people will offer critiques to tighten it up. I have a few favorate phrases and sentences I like to include in my business letters when somebody is screwing around with my credit.
One of them is a warning that you could still sue their arses if they don't stop harrassing you.

That I would be going nuclear doesn't mean you should think it is okay. I'm not called "Bellevue" for nothing. (It used to be a psych ward in NYC)

I actually bought that book recently. I managed to get through Chapter 1 (VERY informative, I may add), and then I got busy and put it down and haven't finished it.

(Again, I blame the same genetics that have given my daughter ADHD--I have a hard time sticking with anything like reading or watching a movie unless I'm totally captivated.) But once I get my flooring in my house this week, get things organized again, and my evenings settle down a bit at work, I intend to pick it back up.

The problem is, of the two people I have the most difficulty with boundaries, one is my daughter (the other is obviously the XH!). And I can't just Plan B my daughter.

But yes, I need to work on the one. He walked on me for 19 years of marriage BECAUSE I LET HIM.

Instead of just enforcing the boundary at the beginning and remaining calm, I let people back me further, and further, and further into the corner, and then all of a sudden I turn vicious and the claws come out. It's ugly.

And although I'm not a Dr. Phil fan, regarding his "How's that working for you?" The answer...not so well.

I will say that during the months between when the XH's affair first started in the fall of '03 up until later in the summer of '04, I had outbursts directed either at my XH or at my daughter as often as weekly. It was truly ugly--my life was crashing around me. I have done SOOOO much better since then. This was the first major explosion that has happened in months, and I know what triggered it (the creditor call).

But still...it needs to not happen at all!

I will try to work on the credit letters this week. I need to find my file-stamped DV papers. I was carting them back and forth to work because I had to have them for my 401K split and other things, and I've moved offices twice since then. They're in one of my boxes--just not sure which one. But you guys have given me really good advice and I will fire out the letters with DV papers included and will see where that gets me.

LL