okay, here's the deal. My H had an affair with my best friend two years ago (shortly after the birth of our third child.) He denied it for months told me I was too jealous, etc.

Now similar patterns to the affair are emerging. I'll lay it out and you can tell me if I'm just being paranoid because of the past.

He's been sick to get a job in this town. He had worked for this company in the past and had to spend many nights here while commuting between offices. since the office closed and he lost his job he has reapplied about every 3 months or so (even though he was employed elsewhere and the rate, working conditions are only average). he finally has a job here.

Since we moved here he's threatened a few times that he would have another affair if I kept mentioning the first one. Okay I don't bring it up that often, but he's never really let me talk about the hurt he's caused.

He occasionally has meetings for work at lunch (otherwise he comes home) but, sometimes he gets paid for these and sometimes he doesn't. hmmm.

He went on a business trip, and took us with him. one morning he left the hotel roomm to grab something out of the car. He came back almost an hour later, smelling like sex, with a cup of tea from starbucks for me. (this is very similar to last time where he would have sex with her then pick up flowers or something for me on his way home...)

Now, he claims to be totally changed and he claims that he isn't having another affair. but he does threaten. the thing is, I only have a little bit of circumstancial evidence, but it's the same amount I had last time, and I was right then.

So, what should I do? He keeps pressuring me to "make a decision" but I have 3 little kids to consider in this decision.

novictim,

First I want to welcome you to Marriage Builders. I'm so sorry you have the need to be here but you have found a wealth of information and new friends.

Please be sure you read those top threads at the top of this forum---the Welcome thread, WAT's Quickstart, etc. They have alot of information you're going to need.

Novictim, your H is holding you hostage! He's threatening you with another affair if you don't "drop it" about the first one! That's no way to heal a marriage, to rebuild a relationship. Was there ever a sincere attempt to repair your marriage? Did the two of you ever go to any counseling? How did he end it?

Is he involved with someone again?? Well usually your gut feelings are a pretty good gauge. You know him better than anyone else and know the signs.

What should you do? He keeps pressuring you to "make a decision." Let him know you've made the decision -TWICE. Once when you originally decided to marry him and the second time when you agreed to stay to work on the marriage WITH HIM! Not by yourself. This is his marriage too and he needs to make every effort to regain your faith and trust!

end it? he didn't, her husband did. he didn't have any contact with her after it was over, and we did move away from that town. Our marriage "works" as long as I pretent to be the wife he had before he cheated.
I threw myself into my marriage and did everything I could to be a great wife. that's what he expects now. I helped him throught the depression he suffered as a result of the A, but when he got over it I wasn't allowed to have any emotions about it at all. Sweet little wife.

grrr. should I even bother waiting to see if he's destroying my family again or should I take progressive action and get out of here? grr. there must have been a sale on sucker signs.

"I helped him through the depression he suffered as a result of the A"

Your best friend, your husband....and you had to help him. This is very much a co-dependent situation. I should be familiar with this, since I was the husband having the affairs and my wife was the co-dependant one. I would suggest counseling for yourself so you can set boundaries that are clear for your husband along with the consequences of the actions if the boundaries are crossed.

This is the crux of the matter. You are bitter and angry and put out that he won't give you an inch to heal... and on top of that he is holding his past actions over your head as though you DID something to make him have an affair. He is in essence saying, "get over it. And if you don't do that quickly I will go do it again." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

He's backing you into a corner so he can use your reaction as an excuse to carry on with someone (old or new, take your pick).

If you don't stand up for your right to feel wounded and betrayed, and to expect some work from him to change for the better, then nothing will change. He bullies you and you accept it with great bitterness. Doesn't really bring out the warm fuzzies, now, does it? Do you think a marriage can heal in this climate?

Marriage counseling should be your first and only demand, for now. He either goes with you or you go alone and get started on making changes for the better. Cuz one way or another, one of you has to start making changes.

~ Snow