I have not been here long but I have read many many posts on this board. One thing that I have noticed is the extremely different views that the males on the board have regarding infidelity as opposed to the females.I have also pondered why this is. With men, the physical act of sex consitutes adultery but with females the mental aspect consitutes more of the adultery. The majority of the male posters focus on when they learned that their WW actually physically made love with the OM. With the females, they focus on when the WH started having feelings of love for the OW. The males want to know every aspect of the physical relationship that their WW engaged in. The females want to know what attracted their WH to the OW and how they could have these feelings. For the males, their WW's affair ends with the ending of the PA almost no matter what type of contact still exists. With the women, the affair lingers as long as the WH still THINKS about the OW. Do men think that their wife belongs to them as long as her body does? Do women think that their husband belongs to them as long as they have his mind and heart? This is all fascinating. Why are we like this? Maybe if I can understand why this happens then I can understand my role and my WW's role in the whole scheme of things and whether there is any hope. Just thinking out loud in my quest for answers and possibly solutions.

Arrrgh lost the post. You basically got the gist of it. When the BS wife tries to help the WS H recover via her methods, most of the time it doesn't work.

Read His Needs/Her Needs by Dr. W. Harley. Then come back and post your thoughts. S/b very enlightening.

take care,
L.

It really is just a matter of biology to me. Look to the animal world. But it's incredibly interesting, I agree. Occasionally, there are women who obsess over the physical aspect of the affair but they are rare. I, for one, am far more bothered by the deep emotional attachment my WH made to the OW.I'll come back to this later but I need to get my kids into bed. They are driving me to distraction. TT

My .02 cents.

Let's take a look at EN. Women tend to rank the more emotional needs higher in importance, whereas men tend to have SF/Admiration toward the top. Usually, people in relationships try to meet their partner's needs in the way he/she would want his/hers met. But, many times we are missing the mark and not really getting much "credit" for making an effort. For example, a woman who gets a gift from her H after an argument may feel even worse because what she really wanted was to be understood and to have a sincere apology. Or, a man may want SF for his anniversary, not a fancy meal and a gift. These are just examples and generalizations, of course.

Many women connect with their partner emotionally, whereas men tend to connect physically. So, the bigger betrayal is OP connecting with your spouse in the way you want to connect with him/her (the way that is most meaningful to you). For a woman, that is the emotional connection. For men, it's usually SF and admiration. It's so hurtful because it feels like WS gave something to someone else that should have only been reserved for you---their most sacred part (in the BS viewpoint). It would be interesting to see what the WS would say. I bet in many cases, that the part of the WS that the BS spouse is upset about being shared with OP, is not where the strongest connection was made with OP (biggest LB deposits).