Hello all!!<P>I wanted to jump in here because I need your opinions on a few ideas that have been bouncing around for quite a while.<P>Question 1:<P>I want to separate this section of the forum (Infidelity) and break it down into a number of different subcategories. Should I?<P> a. Yes<BR> b. No<P>(If yes, proceed to Question 2. If no, please explain why.)<P>Question 2:<P>How many subcategories should there be?<P>Question 3:<P>What should the subcategories be?<P>I expect this thread to get pretty long. So, please keep your responses brief.<P>BTW, to all who cringe when the "Editor" of a publication misses a few words, please accept my sincere apologies. I've counted three (so far) that got away from me in the last newsletter. I'd fire my Proofreader, but I think that would be a Love Buster <P>Thank you for your comments.<P>Steve

How about these:<P>1) Your spouse is having an affair<P>2) You are married and you are having an affair<P>3) You suspect your spouse is having an affair<P>4) You are in recovery<P>

I would make one category: "venting"<P>Perhaps break them into the various stages of recovery....along with a category for "old timers" to stay in touch.<BR>Just my two cents!

I agree with D & C...<P>Just don't separate into betrayed and betrayers... we already have too much separation!!<P>------------------<BR>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<BR>

I personally like it the way it is. I think it's beneficial to here all sides. It really helps to put yourself in someone elses shoes and get a different point of view.

Steve,<P>I was wondering about your editorial skills---I caught a couple. <P>I think that you should probably leave this forum as it is---I'd worry that breaking it up would also break the participants into clicques, and there would be less cross-talk.<P>If you do decide to break it up, I'd suggest categories such as:<P>Suspect or dealing with an Active affair (from either side)<P>Recovery issues<P>Successes

Oh Please.....<P>Keep it the way it is!!!<P>There's a lot to learn from every phase and from both sides!!<P>A little bit of tension with each other is beneficial......helps to practice not lovebusting!!!!<P>If people only want to read about certain phases or mindsets then they can peruse and choose which threads would suit their needs....they don't have to read them all!!<P>Thank you for creating this place for us!! May God Bless you!!<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

<BR>I agree with K that if you are going to break it up please have BROAD categories but would definitely like a "sucess" category.<BR> LU<BR>PS. Do you read this forum?

I prefer to keep it the way it is. From my perspective, I'm dealing with the early stages of my W's affair. I'm afraid if the forum is split, all of the successful couples wouldn't visit us who are still reeling from discovery...and wouldn't be in a postion to offer their "infidelity veteran" advice.

I don't think it should change Steve. The other responses have probably done a better job of explaining better than I can, but I think we can all benefit from the advice of others who have "been there." If we were seperated, we may not have that advantage.<P>God Bless

Granted, there are a very large number of posts, but I agree & think it should stay the way it is. It's good to see what people at diferent stages are doing & I think as K does, probably not enough crosstalk.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A> <BR>

Nonpulsed,<P>I think your message was cut off when I was doing an edit. I didn't think anyone would have "appreciated" my comment. Little did I know… Please repost.<P>Lu,<P>Not a much as I'd like to. The Moderators keep me informed, though.<BR>

No. <P>Because the dialogue between the recovering and the suspicious is fantastic. There is a hope lent to one another, for the recovering, because it is an awareness of how far they have come. It is a two way street. <P>I have peeked into Vaughn-Vaughn's site, and I believe the categories are going to leave too many crippled people in the same boat. A support group is much better if it has diversity.<P>The improvement that I can see that may be needed, at this time, is perhaps in the moderating department. If there is a complaint, it would be nice to have an easy way to report it.<P>We did have a poster recently that a moderator could have disciplined, and made our time here on the board more productive. <P>I also want to take this opportunity to THANK MARRIAGE BUILDERS for letting this fantastic group of caring people have a place to cyber congregate. It has helped me through some of the toughest times in my life.<P>Thank you, Marriage Builders <BR>TNT

I think it should stay the way it is.<BR>Many people have limited time and only stop in to check on someone. Would they do this if people were spread cross several forums.<BR>This way it is easier to help others in all stages.<BR>Subtopics seem a little like segregation. <BR>The recovery idea is a little gray because some of us bounce back in and out of the stages. Would we have to bounce around the forums? It's sometimes hard to know for sure if it really is recovery.

Ditto...... I think it should stay the same. When I'm feeling down or hopeless I'll come across a success story and have some hope again <P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P>

I agree with the others. If you must break it up, do it by stages (ie, 'suspecting', 'recovering') and not by roles ('betrayer', 'betrayed'). <P>I've spent some time on vaughn-vaughn's new site (not much traffic there) and I find the categories very constraining. For example, a betrayer wanted to know how to deal with his wife. As a betrayed, wife, I felt I could lend him some advice, but wasn't 'allowed' to respond on that thread. <P>There is so much traffic here I find it hard to keep up sometimes. But this is a wonderful forum for many people. If it ain't broke, don't fix it! <P>It might be helpful to have a 'read-only' thread where the moderator could cut and paste particularly useful items. The same issues come up over and over again, and this gives a place to point the newcomers for some general tips (ie, book reviews, etc.) Forum members can nominate an item for inclusion to the moderator. <P>A thread for success stories would be great! Not necessarily for discussion, but just a place to go read all the success stories. We never tire of them!

Dear Steve: I would like it to stay the same as it is now. I try and get to the site once a day, just to check up on how everyone is doing. It feels like all the posters are my friends, and I have been able to talk to them about things, that I couldn't talk about to anyone else. Thank you for making this site available, and I am only sorry I didn't find you a year earlier than I did. I had no idea that there were others out there going through the same pain and depression that I was. The day I found your site, I had been browsing the internet, looking for direction to get up the courage to leave my husband, and our marriage of 34 years. It was a miracle I found you, and because of the friendship and guidance I found here, my husband and I will be happily celebrating our 35th. anniversary, next month. We still have a long way to go, but I have faith that we will have another 35 years together. Thank you again.<P>------------------<BR><BR>SUCCESS STORY<P>

No changes please!! There are a lot of posts and variety, but it is beneficial this way. Thanks!!

Well, Steve, I like MB pretty much the way it is, but I like K's suggestions.<P>And, while I'm here, I want to thank all of you at MB so much for this site. It's the only way I've managed to stay half-way sane this past year. My H and I still have some major hurdles to overcome (because I don't think he's told me ALL the truth), but I'm sure that this board will help me to deal with the situation.

Steve,<BR> My vote is leave it be, why fix it if it isn't broken ? My h and I both have found help and comfort here. <P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

Please leave us as we are. <P>I came here 6 months ago frightened, uncertain and alone. Very clearly in danger of losing my husband. The people I have met here helped me. They dried my tears, made me laugh, hope, and look at someone outside myself. <P>In the midst of pain I could offer solace to someone else. There were people who had it worse than I did! I was so surprised. In helping someone I helped me.<P>Then there were the ones who had been here longer. Who had either suceeded of failed, but who were going on. So many seemed to get better. I did.<P>The cross-exchange of information and hope would be hindered. Please let us go on offering a helping hand or finding the shoulder to cry on as our situation waxes and wanes.<P>God bless you for this site. I know I bless you .

I would like at least one split....<BR>a forum for those of us in Plan B or divorcing and trying to recover from that...<BR>Maybe:<BR>Discovery and dealing with infidelity<BR>Plan A and Marriage rebuilding support<BR>Plan B and beyond<P>i think people would naturally move through the categories and old-timers would bounce back to the other forums for support<P>------------------<BR>Kellie<BR>Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough<P>

I think you should keep this forum as the general infidelity forum, but should also offer additional ones. There's nothing to stop people in different stages of the affair/recovery to continue posting here as well. The others have already listed some great ideas. Rebuilding after the affair would be my first choice for a subcategory.<p>[This message has been edited by Distrusting (edited September 24, 1999).]

I really like being able to read and learn from everyone's experiences. Like a couple of others the only problem I have is finding a success story when I really need a lift. They tend to get lost, you know. Maybe a place to find those would be nice. But I wouldn't want our "successes" to only post there - we need their input, too.

. . . no choice in the matter; therefore, respectfully decline to offer a vote accordingly . . .

I agree with the majority of people here. Please leave it just as it is.<P>If I hadn't found this site 6 months ago I don't know where I'd be or where my marriage would be. <P>The people here have given me hope, solace, support and spiritual guidence. <P>So again as someone else said "Why fix it if it isn't broken?"<P>We would have an awful hard time keeping up with one another if it was split up. <P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<BR>

Steve,<P>This is a very helpful forum and if you leave things as is, no harm done. But, I guess I'm in the minority in that I think having subcategories for <P>1) those whose spouse is CURRENTLY involved in an affair<P>and<P>2) those whose spouse has had an affair but are in recovery<P>could be extremely helpful. For some reason, many believe that having subcategories would somehow limit our exposure to each other, but I don't think that would be the case at all. Just because there are subcategories doesn't mean people who post there can't and won't cross reference each other. I know for a fact that I would still visit the other category to gain/offer insight as needed. <P>Whichever road you choose, I'm sure this site and forum will still continue to help many people.<P>Thanks for giving us a voice. <P>------------------<BR>Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to oust all fear. Love is meant to harmonize differences. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.

Steve,<BR>I think it should be left as it is. Some people brought up the idea of splitting it up into Recovering and currently involved in an affair. Recovering assumes that the same affair or another one isn't going on that we don't know about. It's nice to not have to fit into a category or to know which one you would fit into. I don't think the group would really split. Thanks for this site.

i like it as it is. sometimes someone will post in another forum, and make reference to it, but i am too "lazy" to go read it. i think i would find myself "stuck" on one forum, and would miss the randomness i enjoy here (some topic titles can lure me in, and i get a different perspective than what i was expecting to find, i like that).<BR>or, keep the "general" forum, and add one or 2 different categories, as suggested above.<BR>thanks for asking <P>------------------<BR>for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, till death do us part.<P><BR>

I vote with the majority, keep it just the way it is. It is a lot to read through but I know when I came here I was looking for all the information I could get and seeing all the different stages people were in was very helpful for me.

Please leave it the way it is.<BR> --Murph

Im in agreement with leaving it this way... I've learned compassion for all sides and phases of affairs... If you broke it up, I wouldn't have learned that valuable lession.

Mr. Harley, <BR>I would like to suggest that you create a category for those who have betrayed their spouses. I wish there was a place where they could go and give each other support, and by doing so, might leave more opportunities for hurt spouses, to help other hurt spouses. <P>Good Luck,<BR>

1. Yes<BR>2. 4<BR>3. Stages - Discovery and dealing with the Affair, Plan A, Plan B, General<P>I like the site as is but there are a couple subject matters that I do try to avoid. And I welcome change. Try it for 3 months and be willing to go back if the users prefer the current format.<BR>I’m not to creative but I do like FAQs and one of the posts above made a suggestion of having a moderator who members could forward exceptional posts to for inclusion in a read only section. There is some really good advise buried in some posts with pretty off the wall titles that are never shared with many. This is a fantastic site. What a blessing it has been to me. Thank you very much<BR>

I like the idea of having a "success stories" category.

I like the idea of a catagory for marriages where the affair is active and those in recovery. Also Sailor's suggestion about a FAQ.<P>Just want to say how much this BB helped me on this journey to a stronger, healthier marriage...thanks!<P>------------------<BR>Joan

Steve, <BR>First I would like to thank you for your part in helping me save my marriage.<P>As for the questions,<BR>1. YES<P>2. 3<P>3. Active - Currentley involved<BR> Recovery<BR> Success Stories<P><BR>p.s. I also do not think it would be beneficial to differentiate between betrayed and betrayer as both sides of the issue have been a ton of help for me!<P>

Steve,<BR>First.... God Bless you all for creating this site!<P>I don't think you should change this format. I agree with many of the others, that the cross exchange of information is VITAL. Infidelity has so many faces beyond betrayed or betrayer, active or recovery, sexual or emotional... (I could go on all day, but you said to keep it brief ).<P>I do like the idea of the "Success Story" catagory... they are always so inspiring.<P>Butterfly <P>------------------<BR>My favorite quote....<BR>"Hello, this is God. I will be handeling your problems today. I will not need your help, so sit back and have a good day."<BR>

Keep it the same!!!!!!

Steve.....<P>An expression of Thanks from us all....<P> <A HREF="http://www1.bluemountain.com/cards/box6892b/umt2zdmnxxgbvp.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www1.bluemountain.com/cards/box6892b/umt2zdmnxxgbvp.htm</A> <P>God Bless You!<P>Hugs & Kisses,<BR>TCF<P>ps~ my vote is to leave it as is.<P>------------------<BR>If you have a special occasion, or see someone here who could use a card... please e-mail me at card_fairie@hotmail.com. <BR>Hugs & Kisses,<BR>TCF

Although it has become unwieldy due to explosive growth, I agree with the others who say leave it 'whole'. There is such a wonderful exchange of information going on, which I think serves to shed light on the 'other side'. I'm also not sure how it could be divided up without having people inadvertantly miss some great posts. <P>I DO like the idea of starting a read-only section, where these great posts can be gathered (at the request of members), so they don't 'sink' & disappear. Perhaps this could contain the success stories too.<P>This is a wonderful website. We've been married for 21 years, struggling for much of it, and this is by far the most practical, useable, effective & concise information available. Thank you!<P>------------------<BR>~suse~<BR>Rome wasn't built in a day.<BR>

Hi,<P>I know you asked specifically about making Infidelity into separate sections or not, but I wonder if maybe you could add some sections instead of separating one of the larger ones. I have found in my experience in designing web pages and managing an email list that it is best to start new to encourage diversification than to change the existing by splitting things into 2 or more parts.<P>I would also like to ask if there is some way for you to include more information about addictions and how to use Marriage Builders with an addicted spouse. I believe that addictions complicate attempts at making a marriage work, and people need to understand that before they start working with the Marriage Builders methods. Just my opinion.<P>Thanks.<BR>Hope this helps.<BR>Hugz and prayers,<BR>Thoughtful

NOT RELATED TO QUESTION:<P>I was wondering if in one of the future newsletters you could write a letter about what to do if there hasn't been a "discovery" day. Some of us know that our spouse cheated, the affair ended - and are really having trouble going forward with the denials. I've been coining this phase as "predisclosure plan A". Thanks.

I would like to see the forum remain under one heading, but I think it would be very helpful to have a list of members and what category, or recovery stage they are in to make it easier to find the type of thread you are currenly interested in reading or posting to at a given time. A listing that the members would have access to move there name from one category to another as their story changes....!

Success and Beyond is a wonderful idea! I also cast my vote for a Plan B and Beyond... I know it doesn't really fit with the "-Builders" theme of the site, but the reality of it is that way too many of us are ending up there.<P>------------------<BR>Bobbie

I already posted my idea for a rebuilding forum. I would like to say why. I have been in a strong rebuilding process with my H for 8 months now. I read here often and try to help others, but never feel comfortable asking for advice, nor do I ask. I would really love to discuss my problems and ask for advice, as I have a lot of stumbling blocks. The reason I don't do this is, with so many difficult issues being in the majority here, I feel my problems are too trivial. It's difficult to explain, but I would be more apt to discuss my situation or ask for advice in a thread where people aren't in as much pain as most here are. As I said, my problems are very trivial in comparison and I am not comfortable AT ALL discussing these things in this forum. I am begging you to please add a rebuilding/recovery forum. Please!?!?!<p>[This message has been edited by Distrusting (edited September 25, 1999).]

A vote for keeping it as is. I understand if the traffic increased much more, you might have to break it up a bit. If you feel the need, some of the categories previously mentioned("Success Stories" for one) would be good. Maybe "Ask the Betrayer?" so those trying to gain insights into how(if?) their wandering spouse is thinking can learn from those of us who have found ourselves living the insanity, yet gone on to marriages even more wonderful than we could ever have dreamed.<P>Oh, and how about a "Clueless" Forum? Make Carlton and D99(H) co-moderators. Of course, they'd be making most of the posts as well...<BR>

Steve,<BR> I vote to leave it as it is. One addition that would be nice would be an archive section where members who have reached a more or less "finality" in their situations could leave their complete story. One example would be DuncanMac and Suse. My first thought was for "success" stories, but people could be helped by the "unsuccessful" ones as well.<P>The profiles are nice, but it would be more useful to have a more complete story told than what we usually put in our profiles.<P>Anyway, whatever the changes or not, I will still be here and thank you for a great service to me and others....

I am a new member, but so far, this site has been very beneficial. Keep it in the same format for more interaction.

I vote to keep as is. I get alot from all the postings and I may not see everything if it is divided into different categories.

I like it as it is also....however hope is a great thing when one is hurting so a success stories section as an add on I think would be of great benefit....<P>Keep this great forum great by adding to not separating from..???<P>I add my Thanks to Dr Harley and Associates<P>cossie<P>------------------<BR>To know who you are is to see who I am....<P>

Let me add my voice to most of the responses. I don't think this forum should be broken down into subcategories. It does seem to be getting a bit unweildy (has far and away the largest number of postings, which I think says something profound about the issue itself). But there are so MANY possible categories, and breaking it up might separate a lot of us who've grown very close trading our stories. It's great to be able to come to ONE place and just see who and what there rather than having to search around to find what I'm looking for. And to know that if I post something, everybody will at least see it.<P>--Wex

Please leave it the same ..... I have found the input from both sides to be really helpful for insight .... to help learn ... and, after all, that's why we are here! <P>Have checked out other sites where catagories exist .... a lot of venting goes on, but not much learning from what I read. We need the support of each other, to help understand the dynamics of all this, and to grow from each other .... the mix of posts is great. Thanks

There are so many whose mates won't return to them that I don't feel a part of this group. But yet I still have needs that I feel I still need to be here at times. I'd like to have a group for those who are together and recovering apart from those who aren't together. Seems like there are those who are all happy they're back together to help inspire others, those who are sad they aren't but are trying anything to get them back, and me all alone who basically does okay that we're together, but still has moments of depression and anger that he did this to us.

Hi Steve<BR>I believe that you should leave the site the way it is, I have found so much great advise here and so many friends its great to know you are not alone. I live on the other side of the world, yet just by pressing a few keys I am among friends that can help and do understand I think that if you changed it alot would be lost in the process. Just my opinion.<P>Jenny<BR>South Africa<P>------------------<BR>Where have all the cowboys gone ?<BR>Paula Cole<P><BR>

Leave it all together. The reason it has grown so fast is because it is an open forum. If you need to beak it up in smaller chunks to make it more manageable or to improve performance, do it by starting an Infidelity Archive of threads 6 months (or some other time period) or older.

I've got to say that I think it would be SO helpful to have two sub-categories on the infidelity board.<P>1) affair still going on, one partner not committed to marriage<P>2) affair is over, both partners committed to the marriage and to rebuilding.<P><BR>As a member of #2, I find little advice on this topic. As stated above by Distrusting, our troubles are very real to us, but seem so trivial when compared to someone who is at home alone wondering if their spouse is sleeping with someone else at the moment. It's very difficult to find what I am looking for on this site- I need help building my marriage, not re-hashing how horrible I was when I was betraying my spouse.

Leave as is.

Leave as is - good to know all sides and see all phases of affair. If you seperate the forum people might go just to one area and miss other helpful perspectives.

Wow! Great feedback!<P>Here is what I'm thinking about:<P>First, updating the forum program. This will allow for the archiving option we've needed for so long. Also, updating the program will eliminate that "search bug," among other bugs, most of us have been experiencing here in the forum. I've been a little hesitant to upgrade this program out of fear of a catastrophic glitch. However, it might be time.<P>And second, adding a few sections one at a time. Most likely starting with a "Plan A/Plan B" section.<P>I'll try to give you all about 2-3 days advance warning of the upgrade. <P>NOTE: The "My Story" option in your profile was my own hack (it didn't come with the program). In case the transition does not go as planned, I highly recommend that you save a copy of your "My Story" description now. The "My Story" option will be included in the next version. But, only after I have a chance to modify it again.<P>One last thing…<P>This is an open forum. All have an opportunity to respond to any post. However, it is YOUR choice as to whom you respond. Choose wisely.<P>Thank you all for the feedback!<P>Steve<BR>------------<BR>If someone tells you have you have a tail, you'd probably think they were crazy. But, if several people tell you that you have tail, shouldn't you at least look?<BR> - heard it somewhere<BR>