I know the weekends are slow but I've got a busy week ahead of me. This pesky graduation is coming on me fast. There's a ton of stuff to do. Sorry, it's long. I just don't seem to be able to write things in a concise, short format.

At this point, I am supposedly in Plan A. My MB mentors have advised me to stay there until after graduation and go into a more formal Plan B. That's cool. While this is Plan A, there is next to no communication. I have not actually spoken to my WH in 3 weeks. There's been a few text messages, a scattering of emails, and a phone message saying he'd call back but never has. That's it.

Meanwhile, DS's senior year, certainly not a year he'll soon forget with all the pain and drama his dad as introduced into it, is coming to an end. In spite of it all, DS has had a magnificent year. He is an all-conference athlete, linchpin of the jazz band and receives an academic letter tomorrow. He is respected, awarded and a general all-around nice kid. AND HIS @&%$*@ DAD HAS MISSED IT ALL!

Cut to the chase: Yesterday, I realized DS and I need to have a talk about graduation. Better late than never. For those of you who don't have kids at that level, there are a million activities involved with graduating. I've been seeing them as little landmines scattered throughout the month. Since WH has not been communicating with me, I haven't been communcating with him. This is our 2nd kid to graduate, so you think WH would have some rough idea of what's to come.

As you can imagine, DS wants his dad to be there. The whole A and Dad-gone situation hasn't really sunk in with him. He hasn't realized or is denying that his dad and our family has changed. Unlike his older brother and little sister, he hasn't given up on his dad yet. While his dad never calls, DS thinks he should be up-to-date on what's going on. DS, however, isn't volunteering to call his dad. I could push it and tell him to call his dad but I won't. I'd say this is a freewill kind of thing. I'm also thinking that DS is much like his dad in some respects. DS is not blaming me for his dad's absence. He understands that I am not "keeping his dad away" or blocking communications. As the one person in the family who does communicate, the task falls to me.

The advice needed part: I think I'm going to communicate all of the graduation stuff in an email. Too long for TM. Too slow by letter. Too emotional by phone. I'd like to outline all of the activities happening. I also want to set my boundaries. There's a senior award night. (And I'm betting DS gets at least one.) A parent breakfast before graduation. Our graduation day is very informal. The kids graduate on the practice football field while we sit on the grass on the hill above it. I'll be sitting with my inlaws and friends who all know about WH's betrayal. Afterwards, is a family dinner at our house. The next day, I'm having an open house for DS. I know that WH would like to be at whatever events he chooses to be but pretend that nothing has happened in our family. Pretend that all normal fathers have to be informed and dragged to their kid's events, live in separate apartments and have girlfriends. He'd like to slip in and slip out without any repercussion or unpleasantness. This is part of the shadowman act.

Help me, oh MB wise ones, to find the words to say "come honor your son but we ARE NOT playing happy families!" It has been WH's decision to not be a part of our family. I don't want to pretend for few days that he is. Is this the time to give the message about what WH needs to do to come home? To outline the behavioral boundaries I expect on that day? Or just say these are the dates, aloha.

Too many open pits, too many emotions, too many feelings...

What do you think is best for your son?

Don't you think, "Come honor OUR son at the following activities, leaving out the latter part?

I would think its best for YOU do the RIGHT THING as a MOTHER; it's his choice to whether or not he does the RIGHT THING as a father.

Let them figure out their R on their own without YOU getting in between.

JMHO....

I think I understand that you are looking for advice on things to say in the email, and you are in Plan A. Though I don't know much about your story. Since the board is slow, I thought I would offer some ideas.

Since you're in Plan A, I guess the email should have a positive loving tone. (Must be hard to maintain THAT under the present circumstances).

So, in order to stay positive and loving, maybe you could try something like this:



Start off the email about how much you see WH in DS. How proud you are of the man your DS is becoming and how much you hope to share this celebration with the man that helped you raise him and that you love.

Then, list what is going on.

I would end with loving boundaries, i.e., and Please let me know if you are NOT attending any of these events, as DS is counting on you being there.


And remember: You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. .

P.S. You sound like a fabulous mom!! Good luck and hang in there!

I agree with A HUMAN 100% about the contents of the E-MAIL!

However, I would leave out the PLEASE COME part which will fall on deaf ears...

PLAN B after the graduation, CORRECT?

PLAN A then PLAN B.....

Monday, Monday...I think I've decided on a course: Just basic information.

This weekend was busy. DD had a soccer and a softball game. Due to a bridal shower, I couldn't go to the softball game. It is really not worth the time to ask WH to take her, so another mom on the team took her. I got home a little before DD. She walked in the door and proclaimed, "I just had the best game of my life." I'm sorry I missed it but she promised to try as hard in tonight's game.

Now the communication rant:

Well, the "imp" got into me on Sunday morning. I left the house earlier than I usually would to go to the hardware store to buy materials for the project DS and I are doing. The store isn't far from WH's apartment. I decided to drive by. In fact, I was going to stop in. On Saturday, I realized that he's taken some of the patio chairs and table I need for the graduation party. I would really like them back. Well, at 9:30 am, his car wasn't there and all the blinds and curtains were shut. (And what a souless, depressing place it is.) I drove by his work. Not there either. Actually, for some reason, it's quite reaffirming to know that he's with the slimeball. The imp was still sitting on my shoulder, so I TM-ed "Yesterday, you missed the best game of DD's life. How's slimeball OW and your surrogate family?" A couple hours later, he TM-s "I would have loved to be there. You have to let me know." Grrrrr. I can't leave it. So, I TM, "Hmmmm, the phone works both ways. We r always here. U decided not to b a part of this family. U know what to do to come home."

There's been no reply, no TM, no calls, no emails. I think that's enough of an answer.

The email:

DS's graduation is on May 28 at 10:30 at the school. DS would like you there to honor this occasion.

There are many other activities associated with this graduation. If you are interested, contact me. I do not want DS to be disappointed if you are not there.

Too much? Too little? You can bet there is a ton of stuff about abandonment and eating off the dessert table I'd like to include. This isn't a final draft. I'm in no hurry to send anything.

my 2 Cents, GRAPE:

You said:



OK thus far.

I then would add the additional activities that you are referring to and say: You are also invited to these activities.

I agree with Ark.

Omit this:



Leave it all in his court. He already knows how to contact you. Believe me, he also already knows that your son would be disappointed if he doesn't show for this.


He may be fog-brained but he is no dummy.

I wouldn't be so sure about that.....It really seems like he doesn't care who he hurts.

An important distinction, Grape!

I don't think he cares right now. However, he does KNOW what he is supposed to do.

The goal is not for him to care right now. The goal is for him to show up for your son. That's what I would be working towards.

When you provide the information to him, he will be able to read and to understand it. Emotionally, he is clueless- as you say.

After much procrastanting, I finally send WH a schedule. Not only is DS a graduate but DD leaves elementary school too. Much pomp and circumstance.

I made it very simple. I wrote: "Honor our children at the following activities" and then listed the things I have on my schedule. At the end, I said, "soccer and softball schedules upon request" Since he hasn't made it to any of DD's games for any sport this year, I'm not making it easy.

This will also be his first notification about the graduation open house I'm giving. Again, he'll have to ask the details.

We'll see what, if any answer I get back.

There is also a small Plan B snag. I have a designated intermediary but her son is seriously ill right now. I'm hoping this doesn't affect my timing. I don't want to burden her while she is under such stress.

Sounds great, GRAPE! Keep us posted....

Congratulations to your children!

It was a glorious day for me to see my OS graduate from college last week! Time passes much too quickly. I kept thinking of him as just an infant. Where has the time gone?

I don't know. The time flies like the wind. My oldest will be 21 in 2 weeks. I still have the same furniture as we had when he was born. Yesterday, I was changing the bulb in a lamp and thought, "Man, WH gave me this lamp to put in the nursery right after DS#1 was born."

They've been good years and there's a lot more to come!

The man gets stranger and stranger. There as been absolutely no reply to anything until I started typing this and suddenly there's a message. Very brief. The computer he ordered will be here Monday. What time is DD's thing today? Is DS getting an award tonight?

Well, I'm biting my tongue. Squeezing my fingers together. Is a reality check LB-ing or simply imformation? I've got to deal with this email very soon.

Last night, I told the kids about my email to their dad about their various activies. DD got very hot. She emphatically doesn't want him at any of her activities. She particularly hates him taking pictures.

Do I say: This is the time for DD's event but she would prefer that you do not come. LB or reality?

Do I say: It shouldn't matter if DS is getting an award tonight or not. This is a time to celebrate and honor the students. He can't make time in his busy schedule for a 7 p.m. assembly? It's just another example of his cafeteria parenting style: No meat and potatoes or broccoli for me! I'll just go straight to the cheesecake. Should I say, "Why don't you come to the school and find out?"

What a crazy man!!!!!!!

NO!



NO!



YES!

Right now in the fog!

Strictly speaking in terms of YOUR PLAN, not considering your emotions, I would simply answer his questions. He is not being rational. He is under the influence of a drug.

I understand the desire to say all those things. DON'T!

OK?

Rock and a hard spot. DD really, really, really doesn't want him there. I asked her if he did show up, could she tell him what she thinks?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Grape:

In my view, this is a PARENTAL-ADULT decision not your daughter's decision. She is probably reacting to your EMOTIONS. It is important for YOU to decide what is best for her. I think there's a part of her that really wants him there. Don't you?

I also think he should be given the opportunity to step up to the plate and fulfill his parental responsibility.

This is between YOU and YOUR WH. You are the parents. She needs to stay in the CHILD role. BOUNDARY ISSUE here.

Edit: I meant to say that your daughter is reacting to HER OWN emotions. She also may be reacting to yours though.

It's Friday and a new day. Thanks for making me take the high road Mimi. I answered WH's questions concisely but accurately. I told him that DD's activity was an all day thing at the high school. (A track and field day) I didn't know her events or the timing and would only be there for a short time myself. And yes, DS was getting an award last night.

WH replied that he would try to reschedule his 7 pm conference call for 8 pm. I guess he figured he could do a 45 minutes driveby for the 2 hour awards ceremony.

Bottomline: He didn't make it to anything.

DD didn't seem to care. She'd had a busy, tiring day under a hot sun. By luck, I was able to be there to watch 3 of her events. It was a goof around with friends kind of day but I think she was glad I was there.

DS was awarded a small scholarship in honor of a classmate who died last year. A poignant honor. As we walked out the school door, DS asked if his dad had made it. DS runs pretty deep. I could hear him mentally sign and say "Okay"

So there you have it. I suppose WH was unable to reschedule his call. Since he has no boundaries with work, he won't just tell them, "I've got to go see my son and the members of his class honored."

So very sad.

Grape:

It is indeed very sad that your WH is being such a "sorry excuse" for a father.

At least, you know that you are doing your part. You can live with yourself, knowing that you are going "above and beyond the call of duty".

He certainly can't reasonably blame anything on you-not that any blaming that he would do could matter!!

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Thanks for understand Mimi. It makes me feel sad but strong and resolved. I'm trying to do the best I can for my kids and I know they appreciate it.

I think DS considers himself to be the man of the family now. What a burden on an 18 year old. He is the one child in the family who actually does want to make a little time for his dad. Things like this just push him away.

Much to do before graduation...

On a side note to lighten this. Grapes are versitile. My favorite way for grapes to end up. In the freezer and eaten after they are good and hard. OOOOH they are sooo yummy that way.
Be there and be proud of those children! They sound like very fine kids!

I could have used a few frozen grapes today. It was H-O-T here.

WH gets stranger and stranger. He sent me an email after 4 this afternoon. All he said was that the new computer he ordered for us (that we desperately need) will be delivered on Monday. That was it.

Did he ask how his DD did at her field day activity? No.

Did he ask what kind of award his DS got last night? No.

What kind of person is he? I guess this is all he is capable of right now. I suppose you can't see too far ahead when you are in deep fog.

On the other hand, I am ever the optimist. Perhaps detachment is better than some things. At least he's not making bad custody or support noises. He's not trying to tear the kids away or force them to go somewhere they don't want to be. The kids know they've got one strong, consistent parent.